Am I being too sensitive about not being engaged after 8 years?

[effiedora381]

I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

I have 3 young children with my partner and we have been together now for nearly 8 years. We have a home together, children so a whole life. We aren’t engaged and while I don’t wish to have a huge pricey wedding (I only have a couple of close friends and we don’t have a big family) I would like to get engaged and go on to get married eventually.

We have kept putting off getting engaged as the kids are so young (I don’t want to get married straight away but this has always been the excuse). I feel like I’m in a small minority of people, especially as I’m only in my 20s, whose long term partner hasn’t proposed to them.

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet” so I’m now like am I overacting, do I need to just wait it out or am I just asking for the bare minimum and not getting it?

He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s made that very obvious.

You've given him 3 DC and a mortgage-free home to live in, yet he still doesn’t see you as wife material.

I’d tell him that you heard him say that he doesn’t want to marry you and it’s made you realise that you are worth more. You've given are worth someone who loves you soo much they can’t wait to marry you.

Ask him to move out. Calculate child maintenance, apply for the 25% council tax discount for single people, look at getting back into teaching and send him on his way.

You can survive quite nicely without him and he’ll be begging to come back within weeks, although probably not for the right reasons.

You’d be better off single than with a man who doesn’t love and respect you.

He doesn't want to marry you and you fundamentally can't make him see it as desirable.

As you own the house, despite being a SAHP and having several DC the balance of power is somewhat more equal here. If you were to make it a deal breaker, he might change his mind. But do you actually want that? There's a mismatch here.

But what do you mean about putting it off, and excuses? I think we need more information about this. How often has it come up, when, do you both understand the legal position?

Why are you waiting for a proposal? Do it to him or have a grown up chat together. Why are women always waiting for a man to pick them.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet”

This is still passive. Rather than telling him you want to get married or even asking him if and when he planned to propose you asked him what he "sees happening" as if getting engaged is something that might accidentally happen to you both. Getting married isn't something you discuss in the same way you'd ask someone if they think there will be rain this evening; if you're considering marrying someone then you should be able to have a direct conversation about it expressing your priorities for the life you're building together and why its important to you.

But I also agree with others that you should definitely not drag this man into marriage unless you can securely ringfence ownership of your house (and this means getting independent legal counsel without your partner involved in the discussion).

This is absolutely your own fault as my mother would say why buy the cow when the milk is free. Three children and no ring you will forever be waiting.

If anything he’s the vulnerable one. You’ve got a house and a career you could restart pretty easily.

This.

I'm not the one who said you'd passive, but having the conversation this morning and not years ago/ 2 to 3 kids ago, it's probably why you're being called passive.

He doesn’t want to marry you. Ever.

You are in an ok financial position. But that’s not everything. What else do you want out of life? An actual partner who has your back? Do you feel like you have that?

I would spend sone time thinking about what you really want out of life and whether you are going to get it with this man. Is staying with him going to damage your self esteem because now you know he doesn’t want to marry you and can’t be honest about it. Does it concern you that ge is not honest about other things?

Youre passive in the sense that you really don’t seem to have a sense of what is important to you and an ability to voice that and then act on what is necessary to get that.

Hmm to be brutally honest if the house is solely yours then potentially he has more to gain from marriage financially than you.

OP he might have thought it laughable when talking to your SIL because you have 3 young children and he was probably thinking she had to be kidding because financially it's probably not the best time to do it. You say he also said "it will happen, just not yet". Unfortunately, nobody can tell you whether you should take him at his word or whether he's just stringing you along hoping you'll forget about it, only you know that.

If it was me, I would accept that he's said it will happen, you have a home and 3 children together and he probably feels that shows he's committed to you.

Explain to him you need more clarity than that and would like to know when in the future he is talking about. Tell him how important it is to you to know and see what he says. I expect when you do, he will be willing to discuss it with you and agree on a timescale.

Good luck OP

Why say something so false and mean? Marriage is becoming an outdated and expensive concept plus it doesn't wave a magic wand over relationships! My partner and I are i er 22 years in without being married, in contrast I know plenty whose marriages didn't last a small fraction of that time. Those that aren't married are together because we want to be, not because we are trapped by expensive legalities. You are mistaken in believing that unmarried couples don't want to be with each other.

Reading through these comments it's scary how many people are very cold and clinical about marriage, it's awful to just want it for financial reasons and probably why a lot of marriages fall apart because it was all about the money.

OP clearly doesn't think marriage is outdated, and it doesn't have to be expensive at all. Can be much cheaper than the amount of lawyer time it takes to put into place those equivalents that are available without marriage or CP (they aren't all).

And the actual marriage ending part is almost always straightforward, if there's complexity in divorce it arises from arrangements over kids and/or property. Both of which unmarried couples also have. If you think any unmarried cohabitants aren't feeling trapped by the expense and legalities of ending the relationship, I have a bridge to sell you.

I didn't agree with the point about OP not being seen as long term relationship material either, that's projection, but what you've written here isn't accurate.

Agreed, in principle.. but by the same standard she'll then be a single mum of three. That's not exactly something other men will jump at.

Calling it what it is, OP has been passive and if her partner wanted to marry her, he would. He doesn't, but her best bet is to try and convince him at this point.

Why would be marry you? You should have insisted before having the kids I am afraid. He doesn't want to do it and has no real incentive now.

It was a very cruel comment that tries to invalidates a great many unmarried relationships. Is the bridge comment a new trend as I had the same comment from someone yesterday challenging me about firework restrictions. I didn't say there isn't legalities but when we have both got incomes, both jointly own our house, are each others pension beneficiaries etc is not an issue to not out ourselves through a religious ceremony that doesn't appeal. The issue is that women who want to have multiple kids and not work are using marriage as weapon to get a hook into their would be husbands income.

Is the bridge comment a new trend as I had the same comment from someone yesterday challenging me about firework restrictions.

Its actually a very very old phrase, coming from when several con artists "sold" bridges to Americans after the original London Bridge was genuinely and legally sold to them.

It means you are naive at best, and easily fooled and gullible at worst.

ETA, I am not actually sure that the PP used it in the right context to be honest.

Do you think marriage has to involve a religious ceremony? That's surprising if so, since the UK has had civil marriage for nearly 2 centuries. The very large majority of ceremonies are civil, and the balance tipped decades ago.

In any case, if you jointly own property then the potential for one of you to play silly buggers in the event of a split is verrrrrrry much there. A married couple without property or kids could have an easier time disentangling things. And whether the legal provisions of marriage are relevant to you is not the test of whether they're outdated or not.

Bridge to sell you means, as PP explained, you're naive. So I was saying you're naive if you imagine that unmarried couples never feel trapped by the expense of unravelling their arrangements.

Lastly, if you're going to talk about finances, you need to factor in the free house DP has got his hook into here.

You are comparing apples and pears. Two unmarried people that aren’t interested in marriage are one thing, both are happy and no-one is being misled.

Where one half of a relationship wants marriage, has communicated this from the outset and is being strung along by the other is something very different.

There are a lot of men that will happily have kids with a woman but not marry her and then leave her at a later date for a younger model, leaving them with minimal income and no pension because there is no comeback.

This has absolutely nothing to do with your situation so there is no need to be so offended by it.

Yes, while I didn't agree with your conclusion @FancyCatSlave it was quite clear that you were referring to one specific relationship. Other people who are both happy cohabiting has sod all to do with OP.

But she’s the prize here, not him.

She has a mortgage-free home, a stable career that comes with a good pension, three kids that (presumably) their dad will have at least every other weekend or so; what does he have?

A flat share? A bedroom at his mum’s house? A hefty child maintenance fee and three kids.

Would you get together with a man that lived with his mum and had three dc? It doesn’t seem appealing to me 🤷‍♀️

You say “single mum” like it’s a slur, but it’s no better or worse than “single dad”.

Couldnt agree more

The fact that she has the upper hand here is why I and several others have warned her to absolutely NOT get married.

Lets face it, a man who has played the "one day but not yet" game for years isnt as committed as he should be. So why force the marriage issue, only for him to bugger off with someone else (which if he is the type, he will do wedding ring or no) AND take half of the assets? As it stands at least if that happens, all she will lose is him.

I've been with my current partner for 18 years. He used to go on and on about how excited he was to get married and how he'd ask me as soon as he could (he was officially still married to someone else). When his divorce came through he didn't propose. I would have done but he'd spent so long telling me that he would that I felt stupid doing so. We're still together and he's never asked me. See also: buying a home together when he was the only one with the means to do so. Don't be me. I have no self esteem left.

Haven't read all the responses, but it all sounds a bit odd from his side, and in the kindest of ways, from yours too. With kids, you shouldn't be waiting on a proposal, you should be planning a marriage. Whether that means a wedding, or a registrar's office with the two of you and witnesses.

From my own experience, first marriage, we were very young, but he proposed after two years,turns out he was a shit husband and we divorced.
Second marriage, proposed after 11 months and we're still going strong 5 years later, and I fully expect to live my life with him.

Are you a stay at home mum? Do you work? What is your housing situation?

I'm struggling with the "just not yet" comment. Why? You have kids!