Am I being too sensitive about not being engaged after 8 years?

[effiedora381]

I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

I have 3 young children with my partner and we have been together now for nearly 8 years. We have a home together, children so a whole life. We aren’t engaged and while I don’t wish to have a huge pricey wedding (I only have a couple of close friends and we don’t have a big family) I would like to get engaged and go on to get married eventually.

We have kept putting off getting engaged as the kids are so young (I don’t want to get married straight away but this has always been the excuse). I feel like I’m in a small minority of people, especially as I’m only in my 20s, whose long term partner hasn’t proposed to them.

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet” so I’m now like am I overacting, do I need to just wait it out or am I just asking for the bare minimum and not getting it?

come on OP you are an active participant in this relationship. stop being passive, you dont need a surprise engagement after 3 kids. Just discuss when you want to get married the costs and get it sorted.

You are in a far better position than women who move into a house owned by their "fiance" because you own the house.

If you were to marry, he would be entitled to a share of 'marital property' (the family home) if you were to divorce.

How long before you can return to your career? How old is your youngest? Start planning your return to work. That way, you wouldnt be dependent on him. Make sure your contraception is cast iron so you don't end up stuck innthe financially dependent role for too long.

I wouldn't be rushing to get engaged and I wouldn't be pushing for a wedding or the loss of rights to your house that marriage would entail for you.

Start planning your return to work. Marrying a man who has shown no willingness to even perform the token gesture of buying you an engagement ring would be a massive shot to your own foot on your part.

Doing it just because you feel your contemporaries are all getting their dream weddings or fairy tale proposals, or FOMO, would be a crazy act of self sabotage.

You are in a much better financial position here as an unmarried partner. But you need to gear up for a return to work.

Absolutely!!

There is no advantage whatsoever to marriage for the OP. There would only be massive disadvantages.

Is he putting money in a pension pot for you while you give up wages and career progression to look after your joint kids?

With an asset like the a house in your sole name, you may not need marriage financially, in fact for a while it may not be a good idea. But if you have given up work to look after your joint children and he hasn't, you are still subsidising him in a way that he gets to walk away with and you don't if he decides to leave you at some point. And his casual humiliation of you at the gathering last week does not bode well for that future.

I wouldn't try and get him to marry you. But I would start being a lot more savvy about finances if you're not working.

Whereas this man could sod off and take half of the OP's mortgage free house with him if they marry...

There is nothing in a marriage certificate that would stop him dumping the OP.

However, if she stays unmarried, he won't have a claim on her valuable home if or when he bails.

Why would she risk both him leaving her and losing half the value of her property? It would be madness.

I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance, however day to day I do rely on his wage.

This changes everything, OP. If you marry him you are likely to lose the house if you split up, as he will be entitled to a share, possibly 50%, of its value. You're probably not earning enough to pay the mortgage you would need to keep it. And his behaviour suggests you may well split up eventually.

So do not marry him! You would be gambling with your and your children's security.

You really need to see a lawyer and find out information to protect your biggest financial asset and security.

forget whether he wants marriage, do you? Do you want to marry someone who humiliates you like, laughs openly at the perfectly reasonable suggestion that you marry? What a prick.

I wouldn’t marry him. You’ve got a home, you’ve got a career (you haven’t given it up, with such young children you’re having a break from paid work but there’s no reason not to go back). You’ve swallowed a whole load of misogyny that’s made you think your reasonable annoyance is somehow due to your period. Get rid of that. Work on your self esteem. Enjoy the financial security of owning a home so young and having a career to go back to and think very carefully about whether you really want this person to be your husband.

I've got 3 children, now adults. we do it, but only do what the both of you want, don't do it for family she ended the relationship, so no pint in guessing, if it's feeling right st

I was offended by the comment that if you aren't married it's because your partner plans to ditch you at some point! Plenty of couples now aren't married.

My partner and I discuss the rest of our lives together and how we want to spend retirement. Yes neither of us are bothered about a wedding, I have hardly any family on my side, too many much loved relatives have died, my partner like probably many men doesn't feel comfortable with being stood in front of a room full of people and having to say vows anyway. I just wish some people could see it like that and stop assuming it's a bad relationship or pushing people to force a man to marry for monetary reasons because that will not be good for a relationship. And yes if the OP owns her house all by herself and he hasn't contributed to it then surely marriage is even less of a good idea.

A fried of ours married his ex partner once they had a couple of kids, I've never seen a woman treat a wedding as such a tick box exercise, ot wasn't romantic that's for sure! It was very clinical on her part and the relationship didn't last long after that and because she's Catholic I think it's made divorce tricky.

I don't understand how it's bothering you that much but you haven't proposed yourself.

@FlyMeSomewhere , your friend's marriage is irrelevant.
This thread is about the OP, who wants to get married but her partner doesn't.

If you are having to sell marriage to someone then maybe they’re not the one to be getting married to 🙄

OP - honestly, my thoughts are if he wanted to, he would have. He is absolving himself of any real ties or responsibilities particularly financially where you are very vulnerable should the relationship end. Seek some legal advice and I would honestly be reconsidering the relationship. If someone wants to, they will show you. Your partner is showing you in as many words they do not.

You want it to be irrelevant because it's an inconvenient truth! It's as relevant as it gets when people are encouraging pressuring a partner into marriage just to tick financial boxes! That's exactly what happened with my friends wedding! It was to tick a legal box! His wife didn't even sit and have breakfast with him in the hotel the morning after, she went home without him! What makes you think it's not relevant? You need enthusiasm on both sides and to be doing it just because you want to, not just for financial arrangement! My friends wife pushing him into a wedding just to tick box it, was a waste of time and money because the relationship ended.

He won't propose. Quite honestly I'd turn him down anyway you had a lucky escape in my opinion. You own a whole house, if you were married he could have half of that if he ran off with another woman.
You can easily get your career restarted when the kids start school.
Stay as you are. You have nothing to gain if you marry him and everything to lose.
More fool him.

@rainbowsparkle28 , the partner doesn't need to get married, he has a 'wife and family' without the piece of paper. It would mean a lot to OP, and that's the bit she needs to 'sell' to him.

@FlyMeSomewhere , it wasn't relevant the first time, and you come across as having a chip on your shoulder.

He’s a why but the cow when he gets the milk for free kind of lad.

it’s sh*t

You could give him an ultimatum, that will be the MN advice.

It depends on your individual situation. If you aren’t employed and he solely owns the house you need to get that certificate asap. Romance is dead

After having three kids, getting married is not about romance, it's about finances and protecting yours and your children's futures. I think others are right, given that you own the house, you're much better off not marrying him, so it's best to drop that subject entirely.

If you want him to make you feel move loved, maybe talk about that with him in more general terms and figure out together how he could do that.

I wouldn't marry him as he could take half your house! I would get back to work as soon as you practically can and make sure your contraception is rock solid. In your situation, I'd honestly embrace not getting married and if you hear him saying you aren't getting married in public then just agree "yes, we've decided it's not for us".

This. With all that is tying you already there is something weird about you both not just addressing it head on. Have the talk.

Underreacting tbh. If you want marriage then why would you have a second child with a man who hasn't married you? Let alone a third.

One sure, maybe it was a accident early on in the relationship. But if they don't propose before a planned child - they have contempt for you.
Dont make excuses for them. Men will be the first to tell you he doesn't respect you if he doesn't propose before suggesting children.

It's the ultimate contempt to have 3 with you and never have married. Assuming he knows you want marriage that is.

Now of course you should have pushed the issue before child 2. But let's be honest, that wouldn't have magically made him a decent man. A decent man would never have had to be asked. He's a loser. And he doesn't even like you.

Get yourself free, not engaged

My daughter gave an ultimatum a wedding ring or a puppy...she got the wedding ring. Ten years later she also got the puppy.

You gave him everything too easily. It’s ultimatum time. You don’t need a fanfare. You just want to be married. It gives you and your children security if he gets hit by a bus and bus versa. If he’s not willing to do that you have to question what snd be willing to split.

He has clearly no intention of marrying you: the very idea of doing so is laughable to him.

What can you do?

Not much, as you have three young children which renders any ultimatum you may give him also laughable.

Practically, pick up your career again as soon as possible.

Emotionally, don't make yourself into a rag rub for him, the supplicant waiting for him to bestow marriage upon you. Recognise that he doesn't think as much of you as you do of him and start weaning yourself off him. Match his energy.

You can carry on as you are-well, you have to-but start giving him less room in your heart and then when he does bugger off to marry someone-as they almost inevitably do-you won't be hurt.

He is laughing at you because he has pulled the wool over your eyes and yet you still want to marry him, even when he shares the joke with others. He won't get such a kick out of it when he realises that he has become an emotional nothing to you.

You own the house?

Never get married!!!