Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive about not being engaged after 8 years?

155 replies

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 15:05

I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

I have 3 young children with my partner and we have been together now for nearly 8 years. We have a home together, children so a whole life. We aren’t engaged and while I don’t wish to have a huge pricey wedding (I only have a couple of close friends and we don’t have a big family) I would like to get engaged and go on to get married eventually.

We have kept putting off getting engaged as the kids are so young (I don’t want to get married straight away but this has always been the excuse). I feel like I’m in a small minority of people, especially as I’m only in my 20s, whose long term partner hasn’t proposed to them.

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet” so I’m now like am I overacting, do I need to just wait it out or am I just asking for the bare minimum and not getting it?

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/11/2025 15:49

What does being engaged mean to you, exactly? You’ve been together almost a decade and have kids. If you want to get married, get married. If you want to and he doesn’t, then you have a problem.

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 15:49

@SwanRivers , exactly. OP's probably a SAHM, & if they own their home it will be in his name only, etc.

Jem446 · 09/11/2025 15:51

TheaBrandt1 · 09/11/2025 15:47

Feel like banging my head on the table reading posts like this.

Just hope you have a full time job and have not compromised your career an inch for the sake of the family and are not relying on him financially at all. Also that the children all have your surname.

Absolutely this, similar circumstances and best thing I ever did was focus on establishing my career, aside from of course calling it a day when discovering it was more and more all take no give. I had to start over with nothing and 3 children. Nearly 15 years later I’ve been happily married for 10 years, our own house and have 3 more children, completely different experience

GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 15:52

Yet another thread where a woman blames her hormones.
I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

SweepItUnderTheTrees · 09/11/2025 15:59

Are you sure all is well in the relationship OP? I assume we only dive into these things during the loved-up stage? I get that the relationship can just tick along and that no one can really muster up enough enthusiasm to have a celebration though? I for one arent 100% satifisfied with my lot enough to try to convince the rest of the world that marriage is a marvelous idea - but also I wouldnt want to end things so hsppy with the status quo

Lionsandtigersandbears7 · 09/11/2025 16:02

He has nothing to gain by being married .. because he's already got the house ,the kids ,the sex ,the housekeeper the cook ..why would he risk his financial independence with nothing to gain for himself by getting married..no wonder he laughed,he's no intention of getting married
You have so much to loose by not being married
I despair when I see another woman in this situation,kids home but not married.

Lionsandtigersandbears7 · 09/11/2025 16:04

Time to get back to work ,and make sure your paying in to a pension
If marriage is important to you
You need to tell him you are setting a date ,and his reaction will tell you you how to proceed

Chazbots · 09/11/2025 16:05

Take a very good long hard look at what your situation would look like, if you were to split up.

If you're going to be left financially ruined, you really need to think deeply about your future plans.

See post from woman asking for spousal support, not married, no support.

Sidebeforeself · 09/11/2025 16:08

Oh and please dont tell us he’s a brilliant Dad. Brilliant Dads treat the mothers of their children with respect.

Barcamug · 09/11/2025 16:08

If he was going to marry you he'd have done it by now. I really hope you have your financial future secured and haven't sacrificed your future earning ability or pensions savings in any way to raise his DC.

Original poster
effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:12

I had a whole career, I’m a qualified teacher which I have given up due to having such young children (each child is a year and a half apart) I will be honest I am lucky in that fact I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance, however day to day I do rely on his wage.

I never really regarded marriage as important for me, however seeing close people to me getting engaged etc has sparked something in me and has made me think.

OP posts:
GloriaMonday · 09/11/2025 16:14

@effiedora381 , go back to work and don't marry him.

ResusciAnnie · 09/11/2025 16:14

If it’s important to you, you’ve already waited too long IMO. You would ideally have moved on to someone who did want to marry you, before having kids and getting a house with him. Equally, if you both want to get married, just do it. There’s nothing stopping you - except him?

RandomMess · 09/11/2025 16:17

Hmmm as you own the house outright and he’s shown who he is to you in terms of commitment I wouldn’t marry him.

Plan to go back to work and protect yourself financially and emotionally.

fireandlightening · 09/11/2025 16:24

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:12

I had a whole career, I’m a qualified teacher which I have given up due to having such young children (each child is a year and a half apart) I will be honest I am lucky in that fact I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance, however day to day I do rely on his wage.

I never really regarded marriage as important for me, however seeing close people to me getting engaged etc has sparked something in me and has made me think.

If your house is owned by you, I would get legal advice before getting married. I don't want to dissuade you from thinking of 'marriage' as a romantic ideal, but those of us who have been around the block know that it is crucial to retain financial independence, and your career.

Bigpakchoi · 09/11/2025 16:25

Hi OP,
Happy to hear you own your house. Would not advise to marry anyone who is lukewarm and has to be pushed into marriage. If you do, then see a lawyer first so the house is ringfenced or protected in event of a divorce so he cannot get a share of it. That house is for you and your kids ❤

SweepItUnderTheTrees · 09/11/2025 16:29

Due to "I am lucky in that fact I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance" I would say he is more honest than most as by not getting married he doesn't get 50% of that house...

IdaGlossop · 09/11/2025 16:30

Goodness me, OP, you sound very passive, as if you have no agency over your own life. How about saying 'It's important to me that we discuss marriage. When can we have that conversation?' Now that you've created two new lives, you can retrospectively have the discussion that you would have been better having a few years ago. You need to know if you both want the same thing. If you don't, you need to work out how to earn a living for you and your DC.

Incidentally, getting hitched because all your friend's are doing so isn't a good reason for you to do it.

MissyB1 · 09/11/2025 16:30

Get back to work part time and don’t marry him - he doesn’t want to marry you anyway.

PermanentTemporary · 09/11/2025 16:31

Wanting to get married because other people are doing it and because it’s embarrassing when he jokes about it aren’t very good reasons.

If you want to get married, get independent legal and financial advice, then ask him if he also wants to and set a date. If the advice is not to do it, maybe suggest to him that he gets advice too - he could be the vulnerable one and it would be the loving thing to do.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2025 16:31

Bigpakchoi · 09/11/2025 16:25

Hi OP,
Happy to hear you own your house. Would not advise to marry anyone who is lukewarm and has to be pushed into marriage. If you do, then see a lawyer first so the house is ringfenced or protected in event of a divorce so he cannot get a share of it. That house is for you and your kids ❤

This has made me change my mind. If the partner doesn't feel strongly enough to get married, then the OP should leave things as they are and protect her assets.

Original poster
effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:33

How am I passive? I’ve already said I had a conversation with him regarding it this morning. If I was passive it would have been slid under the carpet.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 09/11/2025 16:34

I would think that if he wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now. If being married is important to you, I wouldn't wait for a proposal or bother with 'getting engaged' I would just tell him that you want to get married! You have 3 kids together - it's not unreasonable to want the commitment of marriage in your circumstances. Time for a frank conversation so you know where you stand with him - if he continues to be evasive and fob you of with 'sometime in the future' then only you can say what you're prepared to put up with.

deeahgwitch · 09/11/2025 16:35

Sidebeforeself · 09/11/2025 16:08

Oh and please dont tell us he’s a brilliant Dad. Brilliant Dads treat the mothers of their children with respect.

👍👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Quantumfisiks · 09/11/2025 16:36

effiedora381 · 09/11/2025 16:12

I had a whole career, I’m a qualified teacher which I have given up due to having such young children (each child is a year and a half apart) I will be honest I am lucky in that fact I have financial security in the fact that my house is owned by myself due to inheritance, however day to day I do rely on his wage.

I never really regarded marriage as important for me, however seeing close people to me getting engaged etc has sparked something in me and has made me think.

Don’t marry him.

if you divorce, he will be entitled to half of that home immediately. That’s because it will be considered the matrimonial home and you have kids together.

consult a lawyer if you do decide to get married and see if there’s anyway to get a pre- nup to ring fence that home.

on top of everything, he sounds lukewarm at best.