Am I being too sensitive about not being engaged after 8 years?

[effiedora381]

I don’t know if I’m just being hormonal due to it being time of the month soon or if this is something more.

I have 3 young children with my partner and we have been together now for nearly 8 years. We have a home together, children so a whole life. We aren’t engaged and while I don’t wish to have a huge pricey wedding (I only have a couple of close friends and we don’t have a big family) I would like to get engaged and go on to get married eventually.

We have kept putting off getting engaged as the kids are so young (I don’t want to get married straight away but this has always been the excuse). I feel like I’m in a small minority of people, especially as I’m only in my 20s, whose long term partner hasn’t proposed to them.

We were at a family friend event last week and my SIL asked him when he was going to pop the question, he turned round laughed and said “erm, no” which was followed by laughter from a family friend I was sorting one of the kids at the time so pretended not to hear but I was obviously so embarrassed.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet” so I’m now like am I overacting, do I need to just wait it out or am I just asking for the bare minimum and not getting it?

You have had your answer albeit indirectly

Sorry but that ship has sailed

most people in their 20s get married before kids. I just feel like you have a number of kids, have a house - what point is there for you to get married? You’ve completed all the milestones that people usually wait for marriage to complete

Having 3 kids and giving up your career without having had a very open conversation about your expectations for life including a timeline for marriage is pretty passive.

I’ve spoken to him about it today and just said do you see us getting engaged etc, to be met with “it will happen just not yet

It's not going to happen and you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. You are way past the point of angling to get engaged, you need to go straight to marriage, if he will (I bet he won't). If he won't set a date, go back to work and ensure you're financially independent.

Yes, and make sure to investigate the legal benefits of being married. You may need back up finances for yourself also in case he leaves. It could be just that he doesn't feel financially able for a wedding if ye have 3 kids but you never know

Why are you going on about getting engaged OP? The point is that you want to marry this man. Are you afraid to talk about marriage? That’s what your focus should be on.

I can forsee that in 8 years time you’ll be on here complaining about being engaged but your partner won’t agree to set a date for the wedding.

Hi @effiedora381

I see you have assets and own your own home. I’d say since he isn’t bothered about a legal commitment to you - then I’d be wary about getting married now given you could lose your only asset.

Make plans to reignite your career. You have a great job with good holidays to be with your kids.

Have your ‘partner’ do 50/ 50 childcare and stop facilitating him.

He actually laughed when someone suggested you get married and he embarrassed you. You hid that from him.

That is humiliating and bullying. He is not someone who will love, honour and cherish you. Get your ducks in a row. Take your power back.

I also think you should go back to work snd don’t marry him.

You’ve told him you want to get married, he doesn’t want to, so don’t beg, never ever bother try to convince a man to marry you. If he wanted to marry you he would have already proposed, or if he wasn’t fussed but you said it’s important to you he should have said “oh ok, I didn’t realise it was this important, lets do it”. It’s definitely him keeping his options open.

DH proposed within a year, I actually thought it was a bit quick (we were older though) but we’ve been happily married for ages now. My brother took ages to propose but they met very young and he wanted to make sure he wasn’t asking before she was 25 incase how she felt changed, if she had said “stop fucking around I want to get married” he would have happily obliged.

You’ve had three kids with him and he still doesn’t want to get married, well don’t marry him and think about whether he’s really for you?

Posts like this make me despair for womankind. 3 kids. Get rid of Millstone and perfect example of 'Manhood'. End of.

kick him out then. He obv doesn’t want to marry you or wouid have done esp after 3kids

so you need to decide do you want to be married or can you live without it

as someone who is getting divorced I would say don’t marry. Far easier when you split up

If you own the house there is no benefit to you to getting married anyway.

just return to work when you can and start building up your pension contributions. Even if you go back part time. Then he will need to step up more at home.

If anything HE is the one who needs the financial protection of marriage- if it's your house and you kick him out, he's left with nothing. Get back to work ASAP and start building a pension up- you can't have taught for long if you are still in your twenties.

In this case, more fool him, you’ve had a lucky financial escape. Go back to work and do not marry him. Seriously, don’t do it. Don’t give half of your house to a man that laughs about marrying you.

why the focus on pension? You are young. You need an income for many many years. Childcare will need sorting

Get back to work ASAP and ensure he does 50 percent of childcare and housework. You need your independence not to marry this rude man.

Missed the house part. Under no circumstances marry this rude man and put your home at risk.

I lived with my DH for 15 years before we got married. No kids 2 miscarriages.
I sat him down and said we should get married as everything is in his name and he could throw me out with nothing. He said straight away OK let's do it. I must admit I never pushed him on it in all the years we lived together and we were engaged after the first year.I just had a epiphany and thought I'd better get it sorted as we aren't getting any younger. We had a lovely register office wedding and a great do afterwards. Tell him to pull his finger out and marry you. Forget getting engaged.

I’d speak to a solicitor first.

You own your own home outright - if your marriage didn’t last (and a vast number don’t) then you could lost a substantial portion of this.

And then work on getting your career back.

Getting engaged costs nothing except the price of a ring - any ring, not necessarily expensive. Marriage can be undertaken for a couple of hundred pounds. He doesn't want to marry you, ever. 'It will happen' is nonsense, it won't happen unless you two make it happen.
You need to talk properly about why you want to marry and he doesn't, and the implications of it all. He may not have considered what happens if one of you dies young for example.

Actually you are arguably better off not married. If you split up unmarried , you will own the whole house. Otherwise hell take a share. Tricky. On the other hand, being unmarried means inheritance tax.

I’d agree with that. We’re normally talking about women who have given up their careers without owning any property/savings/pensions in their own names. However if the partner has been living there as a family unit and paying for the mortgage and any home repairs etc. he could already have a beneficial interest in OPs property.
Personally, with a response like his I wouldn’t marry him as it’s clear he wants the perks of living like a married couple without any of the legal commitment, but I would get a cohabitation agreement drawn up protecting my property from him making any claims in the event of a relationship breakdown.

I’m really glad to hear that you have financial security op because many women who find themselves in your position, with dc and a reluctant dp who won’t commit, have trashed their career, lost several years of pension contributions and adversely affected their future earning potential. It’s hard to compete with recent graduates when your qualifications are dating. And employers often feel more comfortable paying younger candidates less than having similar aged colleagues on different salaries that reflect their years of experience. And while men with mortgages and families to support had a great appeal to employers because they can lean on them, women with young families don’t work overtime easily, take more time off and emergency leave.

But you’re in a much better position than most with a job that you can pick up again, and a home you own.

There are very good reasons for getting married. What happens in the event of death, illness and disability are really important considerations. Hopefully you already have wills? If not, get that sorted asap!

Who gets to make decisions if you or your partner get sick/ disabled or lack capacity. Would you be happy for this to revert to your/his dps?

What happens to the house (your dc’s home) in the event of your death?

What are the terms of your pensions? Are you each others beneficiaries? Often private pensions don’t fall under statutory probate and you can nominate beneficiaries.

Inheritance tax varies by jurisdiction, so look it up for where you live. In the event of your death, or your partners death the surviving spouse benefits from a tax free allowance of about £300,000. So potentially £120,000 that would otherwise have been paid in taxes.

Have a chat with him op and figure out what marriage means to each of you. I’ve known plenty men who struggled with the idea of weddings, because of social anxiety. Maybe he’s lukewarm, but I wouldn’t rush to that explanation.

The advice not to marry a lukewarm dp and risk your dc losing their home in a divorce is sensible. But if you have a solid and committed relationship otherwise, it makes sense to make financial provisions for the other catastrophes that life throws at us.

Very Honestly....
I wouldnt care about proposals or rings.

I would book a court house date and get 2 witneeses to come.
Buy a ring in the goldsmiths sale for £200 or borrow one off your mum.

I couldnt be comfortable unmarried with 3 children. If dies you'd be up the proverbial creek....

If he is lukewarm then youay be better offer arranging good life insurance and sorting wills out.

So many of these threads. Marriage is not just about happy ever afters. It is about legal protection for the financially most vulnerable partner - generally the women who gives up work and therefore her financial independence.

Great that you own the house but how would you pay to run it if he just decided to walk away? Agree with other no point at all in getting engaged. Ask if he will marry you at the register office, if he wont then its split childcare costs equally and back to work for you.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp , OP wouldn't be up the proverbial creek, she has a teaching career she could go back to, and she owns the house outright.