Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

Your poor baby having to grow up in such a toxic environment

Overall I can see why you get frustrated with him.

If our baby had eczema & was being given long baths & no moisturiser, I'd quite frankly think that the other parent was an incapable unfeeling arsehole.

If husband was dressed I'd wonder why baby wasn't also.

He is happy to cause your baby discomfort, or not let him have the best comfort and care, just to score points against you.

He is stupid enough to admit he wants to hurt you if he feels you're forgotten your place, and is cruel enough to do so.

Do not stay for the baby. Why the hell would you? It's an awful responsibility to put on a child and it is causing him more upset. Baby knows.

I am not sure how you can misread a thermostat by 3 degrees unless its an analogue one...

But sounds like you both need to grow up and learn how to communicate like adults instead of stroppy teenagers

The more you write, the more I’m seeing he is abusive. I’m sorry if my earlier responses to you made you feel like you were to blame.

I think you’re reacting to his abuse. You’re pre-empting attacks and you’re in constant fight or flight waiting for the next one.

Having said that, learning some emotional regulation tools anyway will really give yiu the strength to leave and to recover from this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope this thread will give you clarity and strength. Rooting for you.

ETA after reading the bath post - regardless of if he agrees with your requests, he should not be calling you a bitch. That’s abusive OP. You should be able to raise things with him and not be attacked.

Ultimately, rightly or wrongly, you don't trust him to look after the baby.
He knows this and is pissed off about it.
He sounds like he's trying but for you as a mother 'just trying' isn't good enough for your little one.

You’ve posted before, haven’t you, OP? About the cost/blanket to the car? I recognise the some of the issues.

Why are you so determined to make this miserable relationship work? What are this man’s positives? What joy is he bringing into your life?

Please mention to your therapist what other professionals have said about neurodivergence, and also consider Cassandra Syndrome. I see so, so many parallels in your posts to my own experiences.

Was I wrong calling him out on this?

Yes

He also refuses to cream baby despite him having eczema. I’ve asked him repeatedly—I even put the cream in the bathroom

Why can’t you do it? FWIW my terrible eczema was because I was allergic to the eczema cream. Personally never found those creams do anything

Please, can someone help explain to me what the fuck is going on?

You keep interfering in his parenting and won’t actually just say your piece and leave it you have to follow it up with an explanation or nasty comment.
You think

1. You are right all of the time
2. You are the victim

3.Your husband is abusive

You won’t or don’t understand the effect your words or the tone you use has on those closest to you

I pity your poor child. If you drive your dh away then your need for control is going to be transferred on to your child till they themselves leave

You need serious therapy

To summarise this thread

OP - Gives example then asks is it me or is it him

Posters - It is you

OP- Gives another example then asks is it me or is it him

Posters - It is you

etc etc etc

Your dh is the one in need of the Freedom programme and most people I know didn’t go to parenting classes

I think looking to blame someone is a bit pointless. Winning an argument won't make the other person feel better about you.

Posters - It is you

No @FairKoala that’s a very limited representation of what posters are saying.

Many have contributed more nuanced advice based on a close reading of all of her posts that include suggestions for ways to work on her emotional reactions and communication as well as pointing out his lack of support and reflexive opposition to her input. Even a saint may end up frustrated and swear.

You need to stop policing everything he does.

You both would benefit from therapy, separately. Its a shame that you didn't do this before you decided to start a family, but you are where you are now. Your reaction to thermostat issue was unnecessary and over the top, but there are clearly unresolved issues here. Your communication is ineffective, you sound like stepchildren who have been forced to live together instead of a loving couple. There is a distinct lack of respect, care or compassion in the way you treat each other. Him saying that he thinks of ways to hurt you back, is not how a loving partner thinks. You undermine him, when it comes to the baby at least, even if you don't think you are. I understand that the baby has eczema and needs to be creamed after the bath but bathing with his dad, won't kill him. It can be a good bonding experience. Saying, 'shall I do it?' when he was feeding him, is effectively saying 'you are doing something wrong'. It all sounds extremely unhealthy, but doesn't mean that it can't be fixed.

I agree with this. It’s really difficult to know whether the DH is acting unreasonably here, however from both examples the OP has given it sounds like the DH is being picked at for actually relatively small things and he probably doesn’t feel he can do anything right. Even if the thermo said 18 degrees, if the baby is happy then all is good! Ours used to wander round with not much on at that age. And one feeding too fast - Jesus. Give the man a break!

You can't fix this by yourself.

He doesn't want to change. He will always blame you, As your child gets older, he's probably going to blame the child too.

If it isn't working and he is not prepared to accept any responsibility for this, and you say he isn't, then it will never work out.

I wonder what your background is like that you take on all the blame and responsibility for fixing things, even when the other person is not only refusing to work with you, but is blaming you for everything and admits to trying to hurt you.

He sounds like a bully. Maybe him wanting to hurt you is a form of control? He has issues. You need to let him know that you're not going to put up with his bullying and he needs to learn healthier ways to communicate. If he's not willing to change, leave him.

You were massively in the wrong. You made a massive deal over nothing. Nothing in your opening post was about a basic parenting, just you being absolutely horrible.

He doesn’t want to because you asked him to.

His priority here is always always about him and his feelings - ie his need to be contrary and it’s likely this comes from needing to dominate you.

His child’s skin is not in the least bit important.

Hobestly OP - you need to leave and I say that as someone with a lot of experience with men like this. This is never ever going to improve.

It doesn’t matter who`s to blame for each incident, what matters is that you are incompatible re conflict management. Ask yourself: is his retaliatory mindset likely to change (especially given he,s not inclined to work on it)?. Is my challenging mindset likely to change, willingly and genuinely, or is the unfairness of the blame game always going to rile me? If the answer to both questions is no then it’s game over.

You’re tying yourself in knots.

I did and I read other examples of micromanaging his parenting. If it was man posting this about a woman there would be a lot less defense for the OP.

From my perspective, you seem to think you know best and your husband is incapable of looking after/parenting your son, if he isn't doing it your way. Unless your son was showing signs of being distressed being fed by your husband, why did you interfere? 21c degrees isn't freezing cold, and your son should have been fine without trousers on. You asked your husband to put trousers on your son in the future and he said he would. If you were that concerned, you could have gone and got a pair of trousers for your son yourself. Instead, you picked an argument with your husband, and are now unhappy he retaliated. You need to step back when you husband is looking after your son, and let him do things his own way. Just because his way isn't exactly like yours, it doesn't make it wrong. You are both nit-picking at each other, swearing and generally being unpleasant. Your son is growing up having to listen to this, and the older he becomes the more he'll understand. The poor child will then be stuck in the middle of you both.

Yes, because MNet is full to the rafters of men posting taking the blame for their partner's anger with them and refusal to do what they ask, saying they read loads of books on how to improve their relationship, that they will go to therapy by themselves to work on their issues to improve their marriage, and just not follow through on the doctor's recommendations for their child's care if that's what they need to do to save their marriage.

There's at least one a week like that.

And they all get thoroughly slagged by Mumsnetters, and rightly so.

Please, can someone help explain to me what the fuck is going on?

He is purposely doing these things to upset you because he knows how much your son means to you and that that is the best way to hurt you. He doesn’t care about his son being uncomfortable if it means that he “wins” against you. You are trying to research and show him facts about what is good for the baby but he doesn’t care about the baby. He cares about hurting and upsetting you. He’s literally told you that part.

He is abusive and you need to leave him. In the meantime you need to learn to grey rock him. Do not talk to him about the baby’s needs because he will do the exact opposite; it’s just giving him ammunition. Just quietly do what needs to be done and ignore him when he does something to get a reaction from you. That’s what he wants, so deny him that.

Good luck, and get out as soon as you can.

This with bells on

Is this worth it?