Was I wrong in this argument? I need outside perspective

[notaurewhatusername]

I came downstairs this morning and saw our baby in just a long-sleeve vest, no trousers. I asked my husband to please put trousers on him in the mornings. He said yes.

I then looked at the thermostat and said it was only 18 degrees (thinking that was the temperature shown). He went over and said it was actually 21 degrees. I got frustrated and said “I don’t give a fuck what temperature it is, can you just put trousers on him - you have trousers on and it’s not that warm.”

He responded by saying I’m either “stupid or a liar” for saying the thermostat was 18 degrees. I genuinely misread it by 3 degrees - I wasn’t lying.
We had a big argument. Later he said he’s nasty to me because I’m nasty to him first. He said he was “minding his own business” and I came in and interrupted his day. He also said he WANTS to hurt me when he says things like I’m stupid or a liar, because I hurt him first.

I keep thinking this is my fault - I shouldn’t have checked the thermostat after he said yes about the trousers. I shouldn’t have sworn. Maybe I provoked this?

Am I wrong here? We keep entering into this vicious cycle, he says I’m a bully and just want him to do as I say when it comes to looking after our son. I think my requests are basic parenting, he sees it as bullying?

I hope you figure out why you wind each other up. You sound like you are a good person.

Please ignore every word from this clueless poster. You do not go around mopping up after someone so incredibly self-absorbed who makes a point of being intentionally careless with your baby. I remember your previous thread about the car seat. I believe your responses are reactive abuse, as other posters have mentioned. Please read up about this and learn how to respond without becoming abusive yourself. This man has NO intention to change. Stepping back from your reactive abuse will be super helpful to you in both the short term and in the long term when you leave him.

Also all of THIS ^

Please do this OP.

"He got defensive. Today during our argument, he brought this up as an example of me being controlling and not letting him parent."

Your Husband has literally told you what's wrong yet you still belittle him and undermine him when it comes to being a Dad.
Every argument you have given is related to you nitpicking about how he is parenting his child.
And he has TOLD you this is a problem for him.
I don't know what to tell you?
Learn how to not sweat the small stuff OP or you are in for a world of relationship pain not just with this guy but any subsequent ones when you divorce because he is sick and tired of being undermined by his wife.
People thrive on praise and you guys should be bigging each other up as parents not belittling each other, you do know you are supposed to be a team together?
Remember, it's his first time.being a Dad, he sounds hands on, willing to do his share, leave him alone to get on with it, stop micro managing him ( he's doing fine fgs!!)... the feeding example was classic passive aggressive control freakery and he saw it, I would have been pissed off as well.
This isn't going to bode well for the bigger hurdles you are going to face if you cant even let him feed the baby a meal or bath him without criticism.
And crucially if you don't recognise you are doing this and get defensive then turn his quite rightly annoyed and hurt reactions to your criticism back at him it's going to be bloody carnage in the toddler era and onwards.
Learn to choose your battles, stop sweating the small stuff and start prioritising being kinder to each other, parenting shouldn't be a battleground, you are supposed to be on the same team.

Ok, I don't agree but if that's your opinion after reading her posts....

You’re exhausting and overly critical, and he is retaliating. Everything you’ve mentioned would have annoyed the ever loving shit out of me too. Some people just bring out the worst in each other. I don’t think either of you are horrible people and we throw around the words abuse way too damn much on here. Constant bickering and picking at each other is just that. Not everything is fucking abuse!! You just don’t work well together. I think it could be resolved, if you just chilled out a bit, but he also needs to show a bit more compassion and be able to apologize as well. Right now though, the contempt he has for you is heavily imbedded and he’s convinced that you are the problem. In a way, he may be right. Maybe you were nasty when you were ill, aka had PND, which yes, was not your fault but also not his fault either? So he probably resent you from that time and now the constant criticism doesn’t help. And maybe think to yourself, do you even like him? Or do you find his entire existence irritating? I honestly think you mutually dislike each other but you don’t want to admit it because you know you’re stuck with him as the father to your child, so it’s hard to reconcile that this is who you’ve saddled yourself with forever (in at least some capacity even if no longer in a relationship).

Its very common for wives of men with autism like this to feel angry. Like others said, its called reactive abuse. I remember one wife saying she once locked herself in a cupboard and screamed and screamed and screamed. Dealing with someone who always rebuts what you say, always dismisses you, always attacks you, never accepts blame. If you have not experienced it, you cannot imagine the effect it has on the recipient. Its devastating. It slowly destroys your sense of self. You are always living in someone else's counter reality. Its dementing, truly dementing. Lots of wives who have been married for decades to such men develop auto-immune conditions and blame it on the long term stress and trauma caused by these marriages.

My strong advice is not to try to save this marriage. It will slowly corrode you. Your husband does not want to address his issues as he does not think he is the problem. He probably does not have the cognitive capacity to recognise he is the problem.

This. This husband must be wondering what he can do right. Best stay away from podcasts. 🙄

Why didn’t you just get trousers if you felt baby needed them?

You picked an argument and carried it on.

You’re exhausting and overly critical, and he is retaliating.

Is that a reason for not taking care of his baby re eczema?

From the beginning of your posts OP, I'm picking up something that is off with your partner. I don't agree with what alot of your responses have been. But this is a tricky dynamic that sometimes you have to live with to recognise and I have lived through something similar. Yes you may be getting overly angry at times ... but I think you are reacting to something in him - some kind of lack of empathy. I don't think the problem can be mostly you because you seem too open to working on yourself (books, therapy etc). It is extremely concerning to me that he admits he wants to hurt you and will hurt you on purpose if you've upset him (even if that was not your intention). That's abusive in my book. It just seems like he's expecting way too much care and attention to be given to HIM and HIS feelings. What about you and the baby? At the end of the day, the baby has to be looked after. Often you will be right, because you are the mother and you probably spend more time with the baby and you've checked out most things online. He needs to just follow your guidance/suggestions most of the time. There's this resistance in him though and it could be tied to his ego. Maybe some things you could let go (pick your battles) - maybe his bathing with baby. But some things are obvious - no way should he be bathing the baby twice a day, especially with skin problems. He could do a quick 5 min check online and he'd get the same result as you - not advisable. It's like he doesn't care enough to even check that out. I bet there's hundreds of examples like that. I don't know what the solution is. I had to leave a similar relationship because honestly I could just foresee the teenage years for my kids to be a nightmare living with him. Mine absolutely refused to consider his behaviour. It's been really hard but my house is peaceful know. Maybe keep trying joint therapy. Sympathy to you. Try not to doubt yourself.

And I will add extra bells.
The Op is on a hiding to nothing with such a partner.

Once it clicked in my head that my child’s safety was wood for his fire, I left with nothing except the clothes on my back.

Yup.

Yes. Time is there for change if they want to. I would hope so. Knowing that there's s problem and not doing anything about it shows that that person didn't really care.

Well there's always room for refinement. I'd rather her nag me if her intentions were pure.

Nice.

I have lived this life and the over reaction that the dh displays is from years of this shit.

It’s like this person walks into a room and if the dh is doing anything not deemed to be exactly how they want it done then they start an argument by being aggressive and adding nasty little comments and when the dh responds with the same energy they then think they are being abused.

Its called Emotional Reactivity

Does this sound like you notaurewhatusername

• Intense reactions to minor events: Taking offense at the slightest thing or getting angry when things don't go as planned.
• Impulsive actions: Saying hurtful things in a moment of anger or storming off without a clear reason.
• Difficulty controlling feelings: Feeling like you have no control over your actions or moods that change quickly.
• Feeling unheard or unheard: Responding rudely to perceived rudeness, or trying to silence someone who you feel has silenced you.
• Dynamic emotional reactivity: Your negative emotion causes the other person in a conversation to have a negative emotion, creating a cycle.

You needed to speak to him more kindly. To say 'I don't give an F what the temperature......' is aggressive and completely unnecessary. You could have trusted he was going to put his trousers on. How would you feel if he had spoken to you like that?

Yadnbu
He’s lazy and/or ignorant.

The amount of times I’ve seen adults with warm clothes on and their kids or babies (even newborns) with inadequate clothing.

It always baffles me.

I even offered a freezing young kid my coat once, whose father just stood there completely oblivious all toasty in his warm puffa coat!

I’ve taken on board what people have said about my anger being a major issue in this relationship.

I have therapy booked for tomorrow, and I’m also enrolling in anger management. I accept that I need to work on how I communicate and manage my frustration, regardless of what else is happening in the relationship.

I’ve had several more conversations with my partner. He has made it clear that he will not consider marriage counseling (it didn’t work before and he won’t do it again), he won’t go to therapy for himself, and he won’t look into how his autism might affect our relationship—he finds even bringing it up offensive. He believes the only real issue we need to fix is my shouting, and once that stops, we can work on everything else. He sees the other issues I’ve raised (lack of empathy, never admitting when he’s wrong etc) as “small tweaks,” whereas my anger is the main problem.

I’ve explained my concerns about things like bathing baby for 30-45 minutes daily despite the eczema and other health concerns, but he says if he’s enjoying bath time and doesn’t agree with the medical guidance, he won’t follow it because DS only had dry arms for only a couple of days and dry patches on his face which are gone now so it isn’t an issue and that I’m taking the guidance too literally. We went over this point many times because I said it’s cruel. I cannot understand why a parent would do this? I don’t get it why someone would put a mother in this position? I’ve had a baby I’ve tried many years to have - he won’t agree so I explained this is the reason we are in the position we are in. If baby was being put first, why wouldn’t he listen - he sees it as me bullying him to believe my perspectives. I see it as looking after a baby as best as possible.

So here’s where I am: I’m doing everything I can to fix myself. I’m getting help for my anger. If, after working on this, things still don’t improve, then I’ll have to reassess. There’s nothing more I can do beyond working on my own issues. At least then I’ll know I tried everything on my end.

what you did would of certainly pressed my buttons

Yes, you sound awful in this example. You caused the argument as soon as your started effing and blinding. Of course your DH is going to respond likewise if you regularly talk to him like that. You both need to chill out. Maybe get some couples counselling to try and fix the issues, unless it's too late to save the relationship.

Was your baby blue, shivering, or happy? 18 degrees is a perfectly reasonable temperature, 21 excessively warm. It's obvious when a baby is cold, but sometimes difficult to tell if they're too hot.

Please please please engage with working on yourself, but don’t do it to save this utter shit show.

I do think someone refusing marriage counselling is someone that doesn’t care enough to save their marriage - or am I being narrow minded with this viewpoint?

If you care enough about someone or something you’d do everything to save it. his reply was trying to fix more than one thing at a time is taking on too much and once I stop shouting for three or four weeks then we can start to chip away at the other ‘smaller’ things. Personally, I think this is a lack of accountability. How can it be fair the I have to fix my issues first then he looks at his? that’s not fair or right