He told me he has feelings for someone else

[whatwouldidoagain]

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

Start divorce proceedings. I wasted years hoping my now ex wife would love me again and be faithful.
Kick him out if possible and start making plans before he has time to think and hide stuff like wage slips

Kick him out. He’s a coward and a disappointment.

Been together from being teens, all I have ever known. Children have never known us apart. Seems like such a waste

When people confess to these things they are doing so in the cowardly hope you’ll end it. And you should.

Lose this lying cheat. You deserve better.

Don't kick him out.

Remind him that he's daddy to two young children, it's his job to protect them, not go fannying about with some woman at work. Ask him would he really like to be with a woman who shows no respect for his children.

Point out that he's their first role model of what a man should be. What kind of man does he want to be.

It felt like a waste when I found about my ex wife. Our daughter was 13 at the time.
We had not long got home from a family holiday in South Africa. We had another holiday booked for the Greek islands.
But it was all lies.
Don't be stupid like me trying to fix things. They just become even more sneaky to hide the lies. And the funny thing is the other woman will probably get cold feet when you kick him out . You will never trust him again

Thank-you for all of these messages, I know deep down that he wants me to be the one to say it's over as he doesn't have the balls and then fall into a relationship with her- which he is insistent he doesn't want.
What hurts is i suspected this months ago, and he told me he she wasn't his type, quite annoying, and way too loud- tonight he said he said these things to protect me. More like get me off the scent. The drip feeding has been so painful, wondering what more will come out.
How is he peacefully sleeping and I'm wired awake

Yep he doesn’t want to have to make the decision here. Fuck that.

Tell him you want him to think about what a decent person would do in this scenario and make that decision.

In the meantime start preparing for the worst. And also for what you want if he decides a decent person would stick with his family. Do you want him to move jobs and attend couples counselling? That would be my minimum.

I take it that you're not married.
Who owns your accommodation?

He just keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, his heads mashed ect and he needs time to think.
In the meantime, I've had this sprung on me, in limbo really not knowing how to react. Stuck between saving my family(he is an excellent hands on father) and cutting myself loose and preparing to seperate

He either wants you to be the one to end it so he can feel like the injured party & that he has no choice but to cocklodge with the woman from work; or he’s hoping you’ll be the understanding wife who decides to forgive and forget / open the relationship / beg to keep him / whatever so he can fuck around with no disruption to his home life or finances and have wifey cooking and cleaning and anxious to please.

It’s always the same old song.

Find your anger. Lawyer up. Kick him the fuck out - as a pp said the woman from work will likely get cold feet when he turns up on her doorstep giving divorced dad.

Tell him to start applying for other jobs or he needs to leave.

This is so true, I just needed to see it in black and white.
Part of me doesn't believe he's fallen for her/has feelings
I'm thinking a bit of limerance maybe.
Things have been tough at home and someone has given him attention that admittedly he's not had much of, but he's a grown man and we've been trudging through a hell of a lot, so no he wasn't always a priority but neither was I.
Think that anger is kicking in 😅

Switch out of the mode you are in and start making decisions to protect you and your child’s finances. He’s gone emotionally. His body is still there because he’s a fucking coward.

Hopefully once all the tears are out of my system I can get a straight head on and think of all the positives I've got to look forward to. Fresh start with my children. Thank you all for your advice, I'm sure I'll be back for more as this progresses

No not married
We do have a mortgage together
In both our names

Men are cowards. He wants you to kick him out so he has a clear conscience about what he will do next.

The "i don't know what I want" is bull, your absolutely right he want me to end it- when he admitted to kissing her i did blow up a bit and said thats it's we're over- he didn't even flinch, just kinda nodded. But I went back on it later said let's try and work at it, all I got was "i don't know what I want"
As you say, he wants to be kicked out

So sorry to hear this. You are young and can go on with your children and have a brilliant life, possibly even with someone that treats you as you deserve. The least he has to do is be truthful with you and it doesn’t sound as if he has been. If I was in your position with 2 young children our happiness would be my top priority and that would be without someone who we couldn’t trust to put us first.

They are such a cliche. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. What an idiot.

When mine did this I said that him actively chasing the other woman whilst telling me he didn’t know what he wanted was not logical. He had made his choice but wanted me to be the one to do something about it so he didn’t have to.

Google ‘The Script’. I found it quite comforting. Especially the ‘rewriting history’ and being an arse to justify himself abandoning his family for a bit of strange.

It’s good he’s admitting to the kissing. Most of us have to go through a long period of gaslighting and denial.

Tell everyone. Get the practicalities sorted. It’s time for him to live by his choice.

He’s done more than kiss her. Their relationship is more established. He would not risk his comfy home life for a maybe she fancies me scenario.

He is sleeping well because he’s known about this for ages. You are in shock.

He is the kind of man who would throw a grenade into his family life for the sake of a crappy work romance.

He has pulled the rug from under you all. He’s not someone you can trust.

Yea, it’s a waste, a horrible waste but he’s thinking with his cock. And when men get fixated on another woman, nothing else matters.

He is lying to you about having just kissed. Please take action. Be cold, civil and polite but remember he is not your friend or ally anymore. Get to a solicitor. Have a chat. Find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your dcs from this fox in the henhouse.

It’s so predictable.

Their relationship is much more serious, and has been going on much longer, than he has admitted to you. If he has admitted kissing then it will have gone much further than that.
I'm sorry OP but you need start sorting out finances and safeguarding your future with your children seperate from this cheating man.

Yep, then he can project a version of events in which you broke the family up. Beware this being used against you in relation to the children.

His ‘I don’t know what I want’ is his way of saying he doesn’t want you, unfortunately. But I suspect he’d like to keep you on the back burner while he sees if his fling works out (and, if not, he’ll still have you as a backup option).