He told me he has feelings for someone else

[whatwouldidoagain]

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

OP I’m so sorry this is happening. What an absolute coward he is. It’s their shame not yours. Exposure the way to go. Don’t hide the truth if anyone asks. Not right they can carry on whilst you’re left to pick up the pieces. Must be horrendous and just wishing you and the wee ones all the happiness in the world when the dust settles. You can and will get through it and as the saying goes when you’re going through hell keep going.

Is carers allowance not for 16+ not sure how it all works.

He has more than 16k in savings, I dont so that would be something to look into thanks

Ive spoken to his dad and stepmother, they are absolutely devastated and have been incredibly supportive to me today.

He didn't want to tell them, his words-"as theres nothing to tell" you know, apart from ripping our family apart

Good for you OP. Do what is right for you. He deserves no consideration here.

You called it a drip feed of information but what it really is is lies. He is lying over and over to you about what the real situation is.

But right now that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you look after yourself and the DC.

What sort of women allows a ( strange to them ) man into her home with her children there , especially as he has left his own for her ?
He's no good partner , nor father , frankly you are well rid , and I hope he still wants his kid's in his life .

Exactly. They sound like they deserve each other. A cowardly cheating scumbag and the woman desperate to have him.

My thoughts exactly, my children will be going absolutely no where near her anytime soon

Too late now but I would have left him with the children and moved myself out the home for a bit of breathing space.

It's obvious he had slept with her, and now he is playing happy families with her and her kids.

He knows what he wants, he just wanted you to push him there

What a fucking idiot he is. Having his head turned by the first bit of attention would have me saying see ya later.

Then dont play into his hands. The cowards wayout. He wants you to end it so his conscience is clear. To him.

I love this song. It’s so true

How is he peacefully sleeping and I'm wired awake

yeah, he's made his confession, hopes you'll end it and then he is free to run off into the sunset..

If it was me, id suggest that he has a think about what he wants to do and move into another bedroom.

This will have been going on since you suspected, there is much more to this than he is letting on

id also book yourself a legal appointment next week to see exactly where you stand with regards splitting - just don't tell him, play your cards close to your chest.

sorry that youre going through this

I’m so sorry OP. This may be a useful read… perhaps sharing it with him will help him figure out why this woman seems appealing… What you do is up to you, and depends on how genuine you think his mistake/regret is. Is he prepared to cut contact/look for a new job?
Whatever happens I hope you are able to survive it and find some peace in future.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/24/i-feel-guilty-for-having-an-emotional-affair-how-do-i-continue-in-my-long-term-relationship

A woman who doesn’t think things through and puts her own wants before the stability of her children. If he’s met her children and possibly moved in with her then there is no way they only slept together last week. Unless they are both certifiable.

I would imagine this has been going on for a while and he’s told you a story that made you ‘kick him out’ without revealing the full extent of his betrayal.

I really hope by the time reality hits and he realises he’s financially worse off raising someone else’s kids, with the affair high wearing off, and his reputation tarnished, you will have moved on and won’t even consider taking him back.

Trust your gut OP - It's never wrong. Older than you, been married twice now, gut 100% correct each time. Waste no time collecting all of your important documents and information together. His head has gone and likely won't be back.

depending on which level of DLA your dc is receiving, you. Ould qualify for carers allowence

if you are earning less than £196 per week and your dc gets middle or higher DLA then you can claim

if the award for DLA has been received within the last 3 Months I think - then you can request the carers allowance is back dated to the start date of your DLA

for example if you put in your DLA form on 1st June 2025 and it was awarded in August September October

you could put in a claim now for carers allowance (if your weekly wage is less than £196 a week) and request that carers back date the claim to 1st June

then if or when you are awarded the carers allowance - they will back date this money £83 per week) to 1 June - which would be 23 weeks to date and £1909

Wow, what a piece of shit he is. Stay strong girl, you can do this. You are better alone than with a man like that. He will soon tire of her, it will be no honeymoon period if he’s moved straight in with her and she has two small children. She can wash his sweaty ball bag pants! Focus on you, your kids and get your finances in order. Sending all the love and strength xxx

OP I just read your post and it mirrored exactly what I went through nearly two years ago so I completely understand how terrified and hurt you are feeling right now.
Right now my biggest piece of advice to you is try and eat, little and often if you can’t manage a meal, you need to have some strength for your kids. Tell anyone who will support you, talking is good, don’t hide away. Then take it hour by hour, until you can plan for day by day.
You can do this ❤️

god they’re all so utterly predictable aren’t they . I hope this all blows up in their faces and when it does you can tell him to fuck off

DLA is for disabled children under 16.
Once the child turns 16 they have to claim PIP instead.
Carer's Allowance is a benefit for the carer (the clue is in the name ) and as long as you're providing care for 35 hours or more per week, earning under the threshold, and the disabled person gets DLA (if a child) or PIP (if an adult) you should qualify.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/carers-allowance/

What an absolute wanker he is!

You've had a lot of great sympathy and advice here, so no need to parrot that. What I will say is that eventually one of you will end up happier from this happening and one of you will regret it forever... And you will not be the one regretting it.

"A legal appointment"? What would this be exactly? With a solicitor? What for?

They're not married. She's not entitled to any of his savings or pension or equity in the house. Paying a solicitor would be a waste of money at this stage.

unfortunately, I agree. Also, he is lying. It is more than a kids.

more than a kiss, I meant. they minimize. he is cheating and now acting like he is being “honest.” it’s bullshit.

Thank-you for this information
very useful and I will look into it 😊