He told me he has feelings for someone else

[whatwouldidoagain]

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

It's so hard to see the kids that way, especially when your world is upside down too.

Having a schedule for visits would be best all around. I reckon he's more comfortable at your house than he is fitting in with ow households schedule.

Don't make it easy for him. Let her put up with him, pick up after him and deal with all the stuff that drove you nuts. See how long she (or him) keeps interest when they are living real life.

Meanwhile keep calm when he's there, show him you're settling into your new life and moving forward. You'll be a stark contrast to the shock of getting used to fitting into someone else's family and it'll give you some satisfaction to know that!

The idea of a different life with someone else is much different to the reality!

So he doesn't know what he wants, yet at the moment he seems to be getting what he wants, which is a lovely affair with a shiny new woman, and being able to come back to your home to spend time with his kids whenever he wants.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Has it not occurred to him that it isn't just about what he wants? He hasn't yet realised that maybe the decision at the end of the day is yours, and what you want, and if he decides to come back with his tail between his legs, you might just tell him to fuck right off.

He can't just keep you dangling (and upsetting your dc) while he makes up his mind which family to choose. Make up the bastard's mind for him. Tell him he is not going to come round to see his children in your house whenever he feels like it. Tell him that the decision is yours to make, so he can go stuff himself. You decide how often he gets to see his kids.

He can't drive?

How will he expect to fulfil responsibilities should anything go wrong during 'his' time with them?

And DO NOT act as chauffeur, shuttling them backwards and forwards for him.
His problem.

He thinks he can come and go, keeping you & kids there when it suits him.

Does she know she has a manchild on her hands?

The cleanest thing would be to sell the house, you go all out for full custody, then buy a place for you & the children.

And ensure he pays what he owes to support them. It is his duty and their right that their father does this. And your right that you don't bear the costs yourself.

Then contact happens away from your home.

I doubt she'll want them in their cosy little set up, anyway

So fucking predictable, what a cliche. Get rid OP and move on while you’re still young. You’ll never get over this if you stay together, he’s not even trying to save the relationship. It doesn’t matter if their relationship works out or not but I know it will feel like it does so here goes - what are the chances that the one person he met at work works out? Very fucking slim IMO, at the moment he sees her when she’s ‘ready’ for work, clean clothes, possible hair and make up done, good mood etc. She also sees the work version of him, what they don’t see of one another yet are tough times, grumpy mornings, difficult decisions, illness, skidded up toilets, his dirty socks left on the floor (you get the gist). Let him go to her and do not take him back, you deserve better.

A really tough situation of him having to come over - I'd be looking at solutions for that - he could take them out for tea? Could he take them to a cafe/ pub/ mcdonalds?

Even if its dark - children love playing in parks ! I used to go to the local playground in winter when it was dark where there was enough light

He needs to feel a sense of urgency - to get a place to stay where they can go with him.

Hey all, a little update.

So tonight is the 1st night he hasn't been around. I have put my foot down and said he can come one week night and I'll make my self scarce and take them out either sat/sun until he gets his own place then he can up his contact (i dont beleive he has any intention of getting his own place)

I can't keep seeing him in our home, playing house and happy families. We had a lovely evening together last night, sounds crazy but we did we laughed and chatted, for a moment none of this had happened and then at 7.30 he just left.... and I had 2 crying children.

I have been quiet for a few days as also waiting on hospital results for myself. Thankfully everything is fine. But he did this to me at my most anxious.

Today I feel strong, I've blocked and deleted his no. To remove all temptation. He can email me if needed and a family member can contact him in emergencies.

Hes made it clear he is not coming back.
I'm starting my new life right now, me and my DDs.

She can have him, he's a boring sod anyway

Are you saying you or he will take them at the weekend? Have you made it very very clear he is not to introduce your dc to the new woman or her family? Because if he's living at hers then presumably he will go ahead and let them all meet. But your dds need stability. They shouldn't be introduced to his new girlfriend for at least 6 months if not longer.

I can't keep seeing him in our home, playing house and happy families. We had a lovely evening together last night, sounds crazy but we did we laughed and chatted, for a moment none of this had happened and then at 7.30 he just left.... and I had 2 crying children.

And that's why letting him waltz in and out at will is such a bad idea. It's really confusing and upsetting for the kids.

He takes custody time outside your home. The catch there is you can't stop him from taking them to the affair partner's place. You have no say on what they do on his time.

Why do you think he told you?

A) because he's genuinely conflicted about his feelings, doesn't intend acting on them anymore (although if they've kissed once....) and thought you should know/wanted to get it off his chest?

B) he wants out?

I think he's a bit of a fool.
It's provably a work crush that is new and exciting and will pass. And he's risking his family over it.

I do agree with the previous poster who said don't go into divorce lightly.

On the other hand don't let him off lightly

Absolutely on no terms are they going anywhere near her. Its been made clear.

He will come to my house 1week night with boundaries and he will take them for food, park, soft play on one the weekend days unless I have plans

He is not interested. There is no changing his mind, so I need to stop hurting myself thinking there is hope.

Well done @whatwouldidoagainyou have made a lot of sensible decisions. Onwards and upwards.

Good for you. Well done.
Onwards and upwards. You'll have some wobbles but just keep going!

Well done OP. You can't have your ex drifting in and out of your house, when he feels like it. There has to be stability and consistency for your children's sake. Be prepared for you ex to go ahead and introduce your children to his floozy, regardless of the fact you've made it clear he isn't to do this. You'll find out if he does, because the children will tell you. Gather as much financial information as you can, and speak to a solicitor. There's no going back, it's time to channel that anger into getting the best possible financial outcome for you and your children.

If you get DLA you automatically can claim carers allowance so sorry your going through this.

They can't get divorced if they're not married!

🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

Glad you've got some clarity, hang in there 💪

Well done OP, i really admire you x

Oh dear. We’re not advocating for this woman to leave her marriage because we hate men or marriage. Have you ever met a man having an affair? It’s not possible for the OP to save this by herself by becoming some sort of surrendered wife.
In fact the best chance she has of winning him back is when the shininess wears off the new one and he realises what he has lost. He may want to come back. He may want to stay with the new one. It’s out of OP’s control and meanwhile she needs smart advice not outdated nonsense.

Well done.

The pretend happy families are entirely beneficial to him, so he gets both that (entirely on his own terms for as long as it suits him) AND the bit on the side - and you're the one left picking up the emotional pieces after he's swanned off to her. Both your bemused children's, and your own.

He's being 'nice' purely to get his own way and make things easier for himself - and it hurts because it temporarily feels like it's real, when it's not.

All the best for your tests. I wonder is there something you're worried about there - and he's ducked out not wanting the possibility of illness to deal with? Sadly, men are far more likely to leave unwell women than the other way round.

Absolutely set those cast iron boundaries and stick to them. Well done telling him when he can see them, at your convenience, not his. And definitely make it on neutral ground. This is no longer his home and he does not get to distress you all any further by parachuting in and out of it at will.

Keep communications formal and polite, facilitating that contact. And start finding out about child maintenance procedures.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-much-child-maintenance-should-i-pay

Many men come back once they realise grass is greener on the other side however it still needs mowing. Saying this, he might be genuinely happier with the other woman and he will stay there. You are absolutely right to set boundaries.

Just do bear in mind some men disappear and you don't see them again and women have to fight for maintenance. Some men insist on shared custody.

This is a minefield to navigate. You need a few trusted advisers. I would say, choose them wisely and avoid those who see everything in white and black.

Hope it ends very badly for your ex this woman will probably kick him out and move on to someone else's partner. If it is truly new between them she is a weirdo moving a man who is a stranger to her own children in to her house.

The playing happy families with the kids is a form of gaslighting op, he has lobbed a grenade on the family but he wants the glory of being the fun parent as and when he pleases while you do the do you have homework/can you try your vegetables/please get your socks on battles and daily slog.

Try downloading a parent communication app and use that. It might also be easier if you got a second SIM only for his BS so you can chose when to check it and make sure you're ready, otherwise you might be peacefully doom scrolling and minding your own business when all of a sudden you're dragged back into his mind games by some text or email. Protect your zen op

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