He told me he has feelings for someone else

[whatwouldidoagain]

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

Nothing “sadly” about it. Not being married to this bellend means she can extricate herself from him MUCH more easily.

If it wasn’t for the joint mortgage, in OP’s shoes I would instantly kick him out and never let him set foot in my house again. He’s made his bed.

The same thing happened to my ex wife. She wanted to be part of the cool P.E teacher gang.
But the P.E teacher she was sleeping with and declared her undying love for chose to stick with his long term good looking girlfriend.
The long term girlfriend had also known my ex wife for many years and still considers her a friend but she really doesn't no the truth and what a mug she has been

@whatwouldidoagain, you have not let yourself down! Being emotional and/or angry are normal responses to being wounded by your devious P’s infidelity and sudden abandonment. This adulterous cliche, who a few days ago claimed ‘to not want a relationship with OW’ and ‘there’s nothing to tell’, is now living with her and her children. It’s a huge shock to your system, so you will naturally have cycles of strength and vulnerability as you grieve and navigate these waters.

Kudos for informing his parents. Everyone is discovering that he is a massively selfish cheat who has willingly decimated and abandoned his loving family, including his young daughter who has a medical condition. You say he looks scruffy and miserable, as well he should. He is now and will be facing the music for being a shitty excuse for a man and father.

He needs to experience the consequences of his choices and you need space to begin the healing process. As he has forfeited the right to swan back into your home, he needs to see and parent the children elsewhere if possible, perhaps taking them to soft play, a park, his parents’ home, etc.

@whatwouldidoagain, rest assured that you and the girls will prevail and go from strength to strength, but his rude awakening has commenced.

Your absolutely right about the cycles of strength and weakness. Its like i feel free and brand new and start planning how my new life is going to look and then Bam! All I can see is them together and I can't shake the feeling of being an utter fool.

Why couldn't he wait to end it with me first before having sex with her

Unfortunately his dad lives just shy of 200 miles from us. maybe this is why he thought he didnt need to know. I dont know how I feel about the kids being dragged about so they can have time together, just not practical in the long run.

He wants to come again this evening, and so on through the week to spend time with them after school. This is not going to help me start healing seeing him, but how does he continue to be a dad. They will expect to see him every evening as normal. He was always home and a hands on playful dad.

I can't believe he's done this to them, and is now expecting to have it the easy way by coming around every evening as though all is normal and then going back to her for his seedy fix.

She must be a cheap desperate woman to be ok with this.

What a mess he has made

Just to add he also cannot drive, and younger dd requires a small amount of medical equipment with her and regular medication

Not your problem. Taxis exist. He will have to pay for one. Harden your heart. When he comes round, leave the house. Can you go swimming or to the gym? Or mooch round Tesco and get a Costa? Anything that makes the point that he is on his own now and you are reclaiming your own life. Fake it until you make it xx

Good shout.
If he really didn't want to be with me he should of told me, then we could of made things separate at home while he looked for a place of his own. Then he would have a safe space for the children to visit.
Instead as we have established hes took the cowards way out and waited for a woman to flutter her eyes at him.

Ive lost count how many times they have asked for him, want to know when he will be back, youngest very emotional about him not being here, she is so confused.

All they know is daddy is saying with a friend, with the older one knowing that it's because we're not getting on at the moment.

A few thoughts:

What sort of woman lets her AP move in with her kids straight away? I wonder if he wants to come round every night because she doesn’t want him there for her after school / bedtime routine so his own kids are the backup plan.

Do not turn his money down. It’s your family’s money. For his kids.

Do I remember you saying the house was mainly yours? If so, being unmarried could work to your advantage.

Have you told the children your relationship is over? What is the explanation for him not living at home anymore?

You need to stop protecting him and start setting boundaries now. You don’t need to be petty or vindictive but he has left his family and therefore things change. He doesn’t get to come over every evening ruining your peace and swanning off to the OW.

Tell him he can see the children every other weekend (not with OW) and he will need to find a place to go with them. It’s too distressing to expect them to play happy families when they are still processing their family splitting up. Tell him to choose two nights a week (the same every week) to come over, see the children and put them to bed. You will leave the house and do something for yourself. Meet a friend, do an exercise class. Whatever gives you a little bit of joy in this horrendous situation.

He’ll probably be relieved you have laid down the law. He knows it’s not sustainable spending all his time at your house and going back to OW home after. But he’s feeling guilty and doesn’t want it to look like he’s abandoned them. As you said she will start to get annoyed by it. He’s doing what he did before— he needs you to tell him what’s happening. Even though you have no choice because you need that space from him.

You should tell him he can't come in your house.

Also go on the child maintenance calculator today and work out his monthly payments as he can't have the children overnight .

I’m not sure I’d be making this easy for him and allowing him to mess up your routine by being there every evening but I can see why you’d want some stability and familiarity for the children. Can you go out while he’s there? Going forward though, he needs to think of finding somewhere of his own, so that he can have them there. Otherwise they’re just going to be so confused why he’s there sometimes and not others. You all need a clean break to come to terms with the new situation because right now, he’s got the best of both worlds. The prick.

I think he shouldn’t be coming whenever he likes every evening to yours. You need to work out which nights you have them and which they have them and obviously the same for weekends. He has to take them out of your house. The logistics of this is not your problem to fix. Then the kids have time with you too on an evening. I would try and explain to the children in terms they would understand at their age. They will be confused as to them it looks like mum has told dad to leave and he is trying to come back to see them. Work out a regular payment for him to support the kids. Make sure things are in writing. It sounds cold but it needs to be.

"For the time being he has offered to support me financially (which i dont nessesacrily want)"

It's not about supporting you, it's about supporting his children, one of whom is disabled. You are not able to work full time because you're caring for your (plural - yours and his!) disabled child. So he damn well should be contributing at least 50% to the mortgage and bills, plus child maintenance, as an absolute minimum.

And don't let him swan in to see them every day. You need some boundaries in place.

I can see why you have allowed him to come to the house to see the children. I agree with PP that you should go out every time he is there and also that he needs to see this coming to the house where you live to see the children as a short term solution.

He will have to think of something else such as collecting them from school and then taking them out to PizzaExpress or swimming or whatever. The fact he can't drive it's not your problem to solve. He'll have to get an Uber or the bus like people do have to when they can't drive.

I worked as a nanny for a woman whose husband dramatically and suddenly left her and moved in with a much younger woman immediately. He was coming around two nights a week to put the children to bed, helping himself to things from the fridge, going into her bedroom to read the bedtime story and so on.

The children found it really disruptive and in the end the oldest who was managed to tell her mum that she didn't like daddy coming around and pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't.

Do NOT feel sorry for him. He has done this.

Women are brainwashed into caring and nurturing and empathising and responding to puppy dog eyes, sob stories and fixer-uppers. He's her problem now - tag, she's It.

Search the house - Is there any more of his crap that can be bundled up and dumped at hers? The more the better. She'll hate it.

Quite right that EVERYONE should know what he's done. This is you taking control. He does not get to hide, lie and conceal any more. Be aware he may try to take the narrative, sugarcoat and spin a story about you - get in first, with the clear truth.

Tell your children that daddy has decided he wants to live somewhere else now.

Be careful - Arsehole though he is, he is still their father, and as long as there is no abuse towards them, facilitating a relationship is wise for everyone's sake.

Preventing him seeing them or being awkward or badmouthing him can be taken as parental alienation, and the courts can take a dim view of that.

But be cool, together and businesslike from now on, facilitating reasonable contact, while setting and maintaining your clear boundaries.

Your home is not available for him to walk in and out at will. I hope he doesn't have keys - he doesn't live there any more. Take him off the council tax and electoral roll etc.

You are not making your time available to him whenever suits him. Set times when he may arrive, and when he must leave.

Do not always be in or available when he wants you to be - take the children out, make plans. 'No. Not tonight, I have friends/family/colleagues coming over' and he no longer fits.

He used to have you and the children in a convenient mental box. He must fit in his box, now.

Certain places are now out of bounds - he does not get to walk into your bedroom, for example.

Do not cook for him or do any other domestic service, as a matter of course. He must ask if it's ok to make coffee, have a biscuit.

This is an option, consider it a strategy: start talking reasonably in terms of 50/50. As in, he is equally responsible for HIS children and their lives. As in, they will be spending 50% of their time at hers. She will HATE that. And he will then start reducing the time he has them, under her pressure, leaving him stuck with her kids ... and missing his own.

Let him suffer. I have zero empathy for these parachuting men, or the vile women waiting for them to land.

And take that legal / financial / child maintenance advice. He's not supporting you, you're an adult who doesn't need that - but ensuring he pays every penny of his duty to his children.

Future prediction: And be prepared for the fake Mr Nice phase - it happens. 'I'm so sorry, I've made a terrible mistake, the grass wasn't greener on the other side, I miss you all, please don't break up the family, can we try again, let's go to bed', promises, tears, presents, extravagant gestures ... All guff. All smokescreens and mirages, fake sparkles designed to prod your buttons, hoover you back in, forgive, enable, facilitate him getting back in all comfy ... ready to DO IT AGAIN because you showed him he could get away with it.

Hope is vulnerability - and they can smell it.

I'd be asking him how he plans to manage two children 50% of the time because you will need to work full time.

Take the cash OP. As PP said, it's for the kids and you never know - when the guilt dries up so might his generosity.

Agree that the daily intrusions into your home need to stop. He can take the kids out for tea if he wants to see them - there is no point eeking out the pretence that life is normal, because it's not and they can see and feel that.

Plus it's making everything too easy for the prick, while you hurt upstairs.

Let him deal with the consequences of choosing to cheat, instead of dealing with the split first.

This. This is what my dh did to me. We are still together and things are better but he's open now that he told me thinking that would be the end of us.
In all the mess that was the aftermath of my dh's honesty the best thing I did was to tell him if he's not sure he has to leave. He kicked up a mighty fuss- he actually thought he'd just stay in the spare room and carry on with her...🙄but insisting he left was the right thing.
In our case he soon ended things with her and asked to come home but regardless it put me back on a solid ground and back in some sort of control.
I'm so sorry this is happening. It's hands down the worst thing I've been through.
Be prepared that he's only currently telling you about the tip of the ice berg too...
You must hold onto the fact that he's currently in affair fog and is not comparing apples to apples. A new relationship only happening in secret with no demands of real life in no way compares to a long term committed relationship- don't let his stupidity impact your self worth x

op I havent rtft yet but just to say, take his tainted money, but put it in a separate account if you possibly can afford to do without it, that way you have a paper trail and a clear in-coming/out-going of "his" money,

these times will be a blur of feelings and activity, (none of it is on you, I just speaketh from unfortunate experience) and you need to be prepared for the unfortunate possibilty that he then tries to reclaim the pennies he initially willingly gave. The clearer your accounts are now, the less work you'll have for your future self. I am not saying you'll have to repay him, I am just saying you will have figures instantly to hand.

You could always put that money into an ISA for your child/emergencies

TLDR: things get ugly. finances get uglier.

sending hugs, caffeine, and a pillow to scream in.

I do not think the OP should let him into her home and be forced to leave so he can see his children. He should have thought of this and made a plan before swanning off with his OW. It is not the OP's responsibility anymore to facilitate his parenting. He is going to have to figure it out himself. He has no right to make her feel unwelcome in her own home. He will have to learn to drive and find himself a suitable place to live asap.

He cannot expect you to let him keep coming back every night. He doesn't get to keep being funtime dad in the evenings while you do the grunt work. It is disruptive for the children and does not give them any stability. Your children will be okay. The sooner they get used to him not being there the better.

Right now his situation is untenable. I would seek a good solicitor asap and start the ball rolling including child maintenance payments. He will have to start paying for his children as he cannot have them overnight. Put the money in an account for your children, but don't let him not pay. This is your children's money and future. Think of it as such and know he is not your friend. Stop making his life easier for him. He is not your problem anymore.

these men are really stupid, would rather parenting and be with others' kids than their own.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne Could I message you?

Sure

OP, just be mindful, it's Mumsnet. The standard advice here is to kick the man out and start afresh. It's not always the wrong advice.

However it's needs to be balanced you will most likely end up with shared custody. Are you ready for this? Are you ready to spend your first Christmas as a divorced woman?

I suggest you read a book called Loving Against the Odds and fight for your marriage with all your might. Feelings come and go and every long-term marriage survived a crisis or one sort or another. A shorter version of this book is called A 60 Minutes Marriage as it could be read in 1 hour.

I hope it helps

Further to the earlier message... I didn't read the latest update. I didn't realise it was a full blown affair.

Still, I would say, don't get swept into rush decisions. Many men come back. A friend of mine refused to take her husband back after affair on her mum's advice. She has massive regrets about it now.