He told me he has feelings for someone else

[whatwouldidoagain]

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

He’s got everything nicely aligned so it’s your fault and it’s her fault too. She will have to take him and wash his pants because his partner booted him out all because of her. What a twat.

All this ‘I don’t know what I want’ bollocks 🙄

Tale as old as time OP. Listen to this song and find your anger. It will get you through x

This is all so alien to me. He is all I have ever known. I'm so shocked and confused as he has never displayed these behaviours before, I struggle with trust from childhood- he was one of very few I genuinely trusted- I have never felt the need to be threatened by another women, never felt the need to be jealous.
He wanted me and only me, for so long- i envisaged us as grandparents(sad i know)
Now it's all gone just like that, and it's really hurting.
And guess what, she is everything that I am not, couldn't be more opposite, leaves me questioning alot x

This is what they do, but it’s not you who has changed, it’s him. Please don’t question or doubt yourself in this. He needed an ego boost and was weak. You deserve more.

I think you just have to consider whether you want to have 'mug' tattooed on your forehead and everyone thinking it. He's give you all you need to know. Don't be a mug.

He has been seeing her for months op. Your instinct was right. He was biding his time. I would be kicking him out of the house today. Let him experience life away from your family home. Reality needs to kick in for him. He has thrown everything away for a crush ultimately.

Solicitors on Monday and tell him he can live with her from now on you will communicate only through email. This will shock him because he is expecting you to beg and plead, do not do that under any circumstances. Keep your dignity.

Yep, I really think he needs the shock.
I have not slept a wink. Kids are waking, I'm planning on getting out of the house with them to my mums. Really need to talk to someone In real life, and get away from him.

We are both on annual leave this week, we planned it way back for us to have child free time while they were at school/nursery. My idea as really been trying to get us on track, previous to his secret coming out.

So this will be an interesting week.
Will give me time to sort stuff out and hopefully move him on to the next one....

Thank you everyone for your advice, you've got me through a very lonely night

@whatwouldidoagain, I am so sorry for the pain and trauma your Partner is inflicting on you and your children. He is way ahead of you and has clearly been emotionally cheating and duping you for quite a while and justifying it to himself. It is probable that his physical infidelity has gone way beyond kissing, as cheaters routinely divulge the minimum, and this feels like it’s a full-blown affair. He is not confused at all. He didn’t flinch or show any remorse because he believes he wants out and has disengaged.

He really isn’t a good dad. What sort of weak-boundaried, low-integrity father opens a window to a flattering woman at work and secretly brings her into his partnership and family? These two have colluded to make a mockery of you and the children. You’re right - OW is nothing like you, as she has helped him do harm to all of you. What prizes they both are.

Please be aware that he and he alone is responsible for his choice to lie and cheat. It’s all about his character flaws and self-serving entitlement to lap up illicit validation.

You are understandably reeling, but you need to find your anger and take control, @whatwouldidoagain. Gather your strength and gumption and send him packing. Tell him that you have no desire to be with someone who is capable of leading a double life, pretending to be a devoted family man while pursuing his girlfriend.

Get him gone and consult with a solicitor asap so you will be navigating from a position of knowledge and strength. Tell trusted family/friends the truth about what is happening and surround yourself and the children with their loving support. Accessing IC could greatly benefit you.

Keep posting for our support, @whatwouldidoagain. Sending positive thoughts to you.

Please be careful when listening to people who just bandy about divorce as if it’s a quick solution.

people make mistakes and it makes sense to work on your marriage first. If he’s truly sorry then he needs to leave this workplace as there’s a temptation there. See what steps he’s willing to take to repairs things first. If not then you can consider separation if it’s not going to work. But often times separation means you then become a completely single mother with very little practical and financial support so I wouldn’t rush to that conclusion.

Hi op, sending hugs, you sound amazingly caring and believe me I've been in that dark, sleepless night when you've had the rug pulled from under you, just to throw it out there:

Keep things very civilised, if you can, stall him for time, say "I don't know, I need time to think,etc" meanwhile, you use the time he's at work kissing colleagues to phone the solicitor, compile the documents you need and I would recommend giving your GP a heads up, you might find it useful for counselling (the waiting lists are often long). I take a smidge of medication now and it's got me through the sky rocketing anxiety.

Unfortunately you need to expect it to turn nasty. You need to be on your A game from now on, I'm so sorry to say. If you don't have a village (I didn't) you need professionals and info and that takes a bit of work and time.

Thank him for his "honesty" 🤢 and stall him while you 🦆🦆🦆

Such a shame in our culture that men are so self-entitled as to think it’s acceptable to behave like this when they have young children. And it’s always the women who are left worrying about how they’ll cope with these young children. It’s not him that’s being kept awake at night wondering this. We deserve so much better. Sending hugs OP.

I agree with others that he wants you to end it and you to kick him out. What a bloody coward.
Personally, I couldn’t come back from something like this but then I hate cheating.

I’d email the woman on work rmail and let her know you know and your child does too

Hey, so i told him last night I'm willing to work through stuff on the exception he shows some respect and distances himself from her, deletes from all social media ect.
He said he wasn't willing to do that as he cares too much about her- but doesn't want a relationship with her.

Really messing with my head 😒

As others have said he's weighing up his options and I've become his backup plan, I'm now not willing to be that after a long night thinking it through

Its gaslighting to say that he doesn't want a relationship with her but won't cut ties either (and prioritise you and his dc) he's just trying to have his grim cake and eat it too.

It might be hard, but you might need to look like you're giving what he's saying some consideration while you use that time to make copies of stuff in the background. You need legal advice as soon as you can reasonably get it, and play ball with him while you do that.

The "good" thing in this shit show is that he hopefully will be too caught up in his double life with his definitely-not-work-affair and keeping you on his back burner to think that you might be making moves to oust his cheating backside

There’s more than this to come. What he’s told you is what he thinks he can get away with.

I would breezily announce in the morning that you’re off to see a solicitor after the school run.

Don't announce it, op, sorry pp, you need to keep your cards close to your chest.

He wants this work floozy now but you want the kids, and either the family home or another stable base. You need to keep a level head and plan your strategy.

I am truly sorry, op, I know how hard it is to keep calm and carry on while your life as you know it is effectively changing forever and you're parenting in the midst of this

He needs to see what this actually looks like. You don't have to tell him what to do - why the fuck should you - but you can decide what you're going to do and what you're going to put up with. I know this hurts like hell but you don't sound like someone who will live in a half relationship with someone who's in love with someone else. Start planning how you're going to approach the rest of your life without him and in the meantime he can see exactly what it means when all kindness, consideration, and practical support from you is gone. Maybe he will snap out of it and understand what he is throwing away and then you can decide whether he's too late or to follow your plan. Good luck.

The "I don't know what I want, I need time to get my head around this" kind of statements are there to keep you hanging while he continues to chase the viability of this potential relationship.

Don't be the fall back plan OP. ❤️

@whatwouldidoagain

So sorry OP.

I’ve been in a somewhat similar position. I posted on here and the overwhelming response was “divorce”, which was difficult to hear. It’s hard when people only see a snippet and when you only write a few paragraphs about the worst of it it does look so black and white.

im still with my husband.

the similarities to you: we also had a really rough few years with young kids and just trudging through life. We didn’t have sex for around 4 years, apart from literally once to conceive the youngest. There was no intimacy, no affection. He wasn’t a priority, but as you say, neither was I.

He began sexting an ex girlfriend. I’ve seen the messages and she did instigate it and was the one driving it, but he did respond and was very much enjoying it. She lives abroad so I know they didn’t meet up, although they did plan it. She booked a flight over here to meet in a hotel for sex but he changed his mind and it didn’t go ahead. They did continue sexting for a while though.

The difference to your situation: he desperately didn’t want me to find out. He had no intention of having a relationship with her. He was a selfish, lying bastard, but he did it for the kicks, bit on the side, attention etc. He did not want me to find out and he did not want to split up.

Things are better with us now. We have a good sex life and get on well, and he is a good dad.

But I am always wary. What if we stopped having sex again, would he do it again? And could I forgive again? Probably not. What if we were still having sex and he did it anyway, could I forgive that? Definitely not.

I guess what I’m saying is no intimacy in a marriage is hard and I can kind of understand why my husband and your partner enjoyed the attention elsewhere. But it does sound a bit like your partner is being cowardly and wanting you to end it.

As I say, I am still with my husband. But I now live with this uncertainty at the back of my mind every day. There is no doubt that what he did has ruined something for us. And sometimes I wonder if a clean break would have been better.

This was a few years ago. I’m 45 now and I do worry that if we split now I’ll find it much harder to move on than maybe I would have in my late 30s when it happened.

I’m sorry he’s turned out to be a cowardly spineless excuse for a man. You deserve better and so do your DC’s.
It looks like you can see he’s wanting you to make the decision so he can play the victim and say you ended it. My ex did this and checked out of the relationship until I’d had enough. There’s no way back once this happens.
The only way you can work this through is if both parties agree to prioritise each other and he cuts all ties with her and leaves his job. He won’t do that. So I’d urge caution listening to the views that you can come back from this. You’ll end up with no trust, always anxious and living a kind of half life where you both know it’s not ok. You can do better than that, it’s no way to role model a relationship to your DC’s.
I’m many months on now and I can honestly say that at the start it was awful, but life is so much better and calmer now. Stay strong and you’ll get through this.

I want to give you a big hug! Please try to resist comparing yourself with OW, thinking you've caused this or you're falling short or whatever. This is all his doing, and his doing only! It's a good idea to go to your mum's and get that irl support, listening ear, and hugs 🫂

They say 'I don't know what I want' when, unfortunately, they know very well what they want but they don't want to say it aloud because it makes them a bastard. Plus, what they secretly want is you to say 'it's fine, I know it's been so difficult for you, you poor little soldier, perhaps you'd like to go and bang her while I keep the home fires burning ready for your return.'

Of course he wants a relationship with her. Why else would he have told you. He just doesn’t want to be the one to pull the plug on the relationship. Then he can bleat to everyone he’s the wronged party. Be that his family, friends or this other woman. If he’s not willing to cut her off social media etc then he’s not willing to make a go with it with you properly. So either he’s wanting an open marriage to be able to have an affair with her or he’s hoping you get ground down and chuck him out then in which case he can go off being the victim. I know others have said that divorce is not a word
to throw around but you do really want to be in an open marriage or with someone who clearly wants someone else?