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Original poster

He told me he has feelings for someone else

174 replies

whatwouldidoagain · 09/11/2025 01:57

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

OP posts:
OctopusHands · 09/11/2025 20:08

WinterBerry40 · 09/11/2025 18:56

What sort of women allows a ( strange to them ) man into her home with her children there , especially as he has left his own for her ?
He's no good partner , nor father , frankly you are well rid , and I hope he still wants his kid's in his life .

So many women. My best friends husband had an affair and left her five years ago and since then he has moved from one woman’s house to another. In five years he has never spent one night not cock lodging. I keep him on my facebook just so I can marvel at it. And he’s not even slightly good looking nor does he have a good job because he became self employed so he didn’t have to pay any maintenance. Every one of the woman has had children.

Thewookiemustgo · 09/11/2025 20:18

OP I’m so, so sorry.
I would try not to dwell on the shitty way he went about using you further to try to assuage his guilt by trying to get you to dump him. It alters nothing, he has decided to move out to be with OW. His choice.
He’s moved out now and that’s what he has selfishly left you to deal with. He’s such a coward he couldn’t tell you the truth, couldn’t tell anyone else the truth, and left you and the children to pick up the pieces.
Of course you are reeling and it’s an absolute nightmare, however, now is the time to grey rock him, only communicate politely about whatever the children need, and nothing more until you’ve had legal advice about where you stand as an unmarried partner.
He gets no more of you. He gets no more happy families or nice partner because he chose to put a wrecking ball through that and he chose OW over you and his children. Everything now is done for the sake of the children and not on his timeline or in his preferred scenario.
That he is with OW and her children already, is beyond belief. Neither of them have thought about the impact of this on anyone except themselves and they should hang their heads in shame.
You and your children are the priority now, take care of yourself and your needs and the children’s needs come first.
Don’t wreck yourself with “Why?” Believe me when I say that despite this feeling agonisingly personal and hurtful, you are not to blame for any of it. Not one bit. It’s about him, not you.
There’s nothing you did or didn’t do or say that caused this. It’s a character flaw deep within him that led him to this point, cheating is a choice and he knew better but did this anyway and is showing no remorse. That’s on him, his shameful choices, nobody forced him.
Take care and tell him that until or unless he has nothing more to do with OW you will only communicate with him about the children or practical matters. He made his choice and he can live with the consequences of it.

JFDIYOLO · 09/11/2025 21:18

He already checked out of the relationship some time ago.

The trouble with being with the same person since you were very young is that neither of you really had the chance to grow as individuals. It's quite common then for men especially to start wondering what they might have missed out on, settling down so young.

He's shown you he's moving on from you and the children. Any man who would do that is not worth clinging on to. And as for women who knowingly destroy other women's happiness - vile.

You're in shock right now. Start getting angry. Start getting businesslike. See a solicitor and find out what your and your children's rights are. And pursue them.

Yellowshirt · 09/11/2025 21:55

I no it might be hard but do not move out of the house. I learnt the hard way that by moving out I gave my ex all the power when it came to house valuations . I had to settle for less than my share in the end and it cost me thousands.

WaryHiker · 10/11/2025 03:38

Also be aware that his father and stepmother may be shocked now, but their loyalties will always be with him. Try not to confide too much in them.

YouCantProveIt · 10/11/2025 04:54

I’m sorry your ex partner is a mega loser!

You were right for months and he’s been lying for months. He’s been itching to go get his fresh start.

Except he’s taking himself & all his issues with him.

Does your daughter have a disability social worker? Please get a full benefits check. Sick kids are tough on a marriage - but only losers bail on their wife and families under such circumstances.

Apply for child maintenance. Only communicate via email. Do not make this easy for him.

Ask him when he’s having the children and where he plans to accommodate them?

No playing housey with other man’s children - while neglecting his own.

He’s an asshole & more.

You will be ok.

rainbowstardrops · 10/11/2025 12:17

What a fucking prick! 😡

TokenGinger · 10/11/2025 14:58

I’m so sorry, OP. This one has really bothered me. I keep coming back to check for updates to see how you are. He’s a complete scum bag. The fact he feels so comfortable to leave yours, to go to hers where her kids are tells me this has been going on for some time and that he’s been around her kids during that time, too. He’s a complete shit for doing this for you, whilst you’re home holding the fort and taking care of the kids.

It hurts like hell now, but I hope you come out of this stronger than before. He is utter scum.

Original poster
whatwouldidoagain · 10/11/2025 16:05

Hi all, thought I'd update, I have read every reply and appreciate them all, taking notes as I go along. Sorry if I haven't directly replied.
So I agreed to meet and talk to him about the house childcare ect moving forward, I really let my self down as I let all emotion show and have now removed all trace of him from The house. He has taken several black bin bags to her house, and has more small items of gym equipment ect to take next time (i bet she loves me just as much as she loves him now 😂)
He stayed with her last night and is planning on continuing to do so.
For the time being he has offered to support me financially (which i dont nessesacrily want)
We need to make plans to move forward however I think I need a few days to cool off so I can get to the grey rock stage.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 10/11/2025 16:34

You’re only human OP and you’ve not let yourself down. He’s let everyone down including himself. He’s the only one here letting people down.
Take care of yourself.

OctopusHands · 10/11/2025 16:37

You need to let him pitch in with money. That’s the least he can do.

You haven’t let yourself down at all. Flowers

Mistyglade · 10/11/2025 16:53

Don’t think about him he’s a fucking twat. Try to focus solely on yourself and your DC and listen to the brilliant advice here from pp. I really hope you come through this well, you deserve so much better.

BruFord · 10/11/2025 17:01

OctopusHands · 10/11/2025 16:37

You need to let him pitch in with money. That’s the least he can do.

You haven’t let yourself down at all. Flowers

Yes, let him help you financially, he’s created this mess.

What a tool and she’s just as bad, especially having him move in with her children immediately. They’ll have no idea what’s going on.

Take care of yourself and only think about what’s best for you and your children going forward. 💐

Original poster
whatwouldidoagain · 10/11/2025 17:12

Just to add he has asked to see the children tonight, i have agreed. He is downstairs engaging with them, I'm busying myself out the way.
He looks utterly miserable, tired and scruffy.

Its not even been 48 hours 🙄

OP posts:
BruFord · 10/11/2025 17:20

Well done @whatwouldidoagain , use the time to get on with what you need to do and let him do some parenting.

He’s probably realizing the realities of living in someone else’s house with their children… plus a person’s behavior at work isn’t the same as how they are at home.

Please don’t start feeling sorry for him though, he’s created this situation with no thought for your feelings. He doesn’t deserve you now. 💐

CelerySticker · 10/11/2025 17:24

whatwouldidoagain · 10/11/2025 17:12

Just to add he has asked to see the children tonight, i have agreed. He is downstairs engaging with them, I'm busying myself out the way.
He looks utterly miserable, tired and scruffy.

Its not even been 48 hours 🙄

Prepare yourself for the "I've made a mistake, she meant nothing, it's you that I love, I needed this to help me see clearly, we can do counselling" bullshit that will be coming soon.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound quite strong. 💕

Brightbluesomething · 10/11/2025 17:33

Just wait until he has to parent his children on his own, without you in the house. He may discover just how much of a mistake he’s made by setting a bomb off in his family.
But hopefully by then you have yourself organised and can tell him to do one all over again. Stay strong, you don’t need a man like that in your life.

PhuckTrump · 10/11/2025 17:36

Good. Let him sit in is own discomfort—don’t make anything easier for him.

MushMonster · 10/11/2025 17:40

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he needs to decide what he wants now. Not tomorrow, but now. That he needs to decide whether he wants to be a cheat and break up a family with two children, his two daughters. Or he wants to repent, cut all contact with this woman or any other distraction of his, look for another job and be a real man.
You are not the one who has wronged here, so it is all on him. He needs to show you if he cares for you and his children, more than about his dick. If he is a man or a piece of shite. And if he decides to go, he needs to tell the children and keep them well away from this woman.
Whatever you do, do not dance the pick me dance. Do not call him, text him or whatever if he goes. Do not have sex with him before he flipping makes a committed decision to stay and fight for his family and proves he is sticking to it. Do not give him the chance to have a wife and family, plus something on the side.
You know him, we do not. Only you can say if he has told you because he wants you to end it (do not do it for him in this case, he will have to grow a spine...) or because he wants your help to stop himself from going any further with this.

MushMonster · 10/11/2025 17:50

whatwouldidoagain · 09/11/2025 04:42

The "i don't know what I want" is bull, your absolutely right he want me to end it- when he admitted to kissing her i did blow up a bit and said thats it's we're over- he didn't even flinch, just kinda nodded. But I went back on it later said let's try and work at it, all I got was "i don't know what I want"
As you say, he wants to be kicked out

Show quote history

We all know how hard this is and how easy is to say someyhing, buy how hard is to really do it.
Do not do this. He is the one who has to plead to work on the relationship. It is good that you say ONCE, listen we are a happy family and I think we ought to fight for this. But that is it, once. He has to do the rest of the work. All on his own. It must be easy to just come back with I do not know what I want.... bullshit. Hit him where it hurts: A man would know what to do and what not to do. A chicken... well... not really. He is acting like a lost coward, rather than a family man.
But let him do the work. It is his shit to sort.

MushMonster · 10/11/2025 18:02

Wow, just finished reading your updates.
Well, no way back now. He made his decision. He is going to regret this forever. Take all the financial help he can possibly give you. This is your children's money. Though it can be difficult, just take it. She will start pulling his strings to redirect that money to her and hers soon enough.
I would not allow my children to meet this woman.
And you need a solicitor to secure a fair separation.

Climbingrosexx · 10/11/2025 18:07

Barring a few small details I could have written this post a few years ago. The drip feeding then sudden confession. Saying he loves you but head is mashed, doesnt know what he wants (mine knew exactly what he wanted and it wasn't me).

I am not going to tell you to leave him right now but I'm sorry to say this but prepare yourself. Sounds like he is more involved than he is letting on.

OctopusHands · 10/11/2025 18:37

Brightbluesomething · 10/11/2025 17:33

Just wait until he has to parent his children on his own, without you in the house. He may discover just how much of a mistake he’s made by setting a bomb off in his family.
But hopefully by then you have yourself organised and can tell him to do one all over again. Stay strong, you don’t need a man like that in your life.

Or not in the house at all, saying as he’s left.

Tiebiter · 10/11/2025 19:21

If he comes back then he clearly isn't going to jettison his new girlfriend. So maybe he tries to for a few weeks and then he will just go back to her behind your back. You'll be paranoid all the time and worst of all you know that he has 0 respect for you. He literally couldn't care less about hurting you or the children.

He's killed it.

Hibernatingtilspring · 10/11/2025 21:54

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any useful advice, just wanted to offer some solidarity. Even by cheaters standards, it's mind boggling that he's moved straight from your home with his kids to someone else's home with their kids. At least you can console yourself that there's no way he can spin that to family and shared friends that this is anything other than him cheating and abandoning his responsibilities. I hope you've got a good RL support network around you.