He told me he has feelings for someone else

[whatwouldidoagain]

First time ever posting, I hung around a few years searching for advice on various topics.
So me and my partner of 13 years, have had a rough few years our youngest DD was really poorly at brith, with some lasting health issues, his DM then passed away quite suddenly. Weve been distant for some time, but quite happily getting along as a family if that makes sense.
i grew suspicious of a work college of his a while back, questioned him he denied all, fine we moved on.
this last week he has completely avoided me, cold shoulder ect for no apparent reason.
Tonight he has told me he has heard whispers that the work colleague fancies him.
After hours of drip feeding tonight, he has told me he fancies her, he has feelings, he is falling for her and kissed her last week nothing else.
He said he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
My head is spinning, I can't sleep, I don't know what to feel.
We have 2 young children, I'm so lost 😢

OP this is so heartbreaking, sending you a virtual hug.

I'm really sorry to say this but I really doubt all they've done is kiss. I agree with all previous posters that he's trying to get you to end it.

How old are your children? Are you financially able to have him move out?

My advice to my friend going through this was sit down with him and have this conversation. Option 1 he turns in to his relationship with you to try to make it work and marriage counselling is a good idea, I know you are not married but you are living as if married.

Option 2 he needs to think about the house being valued and whether one of you can buy the other out. Or sell and where will he be living? Sadly as you are not married it is not the marital home.

Starting from 50/50 child care situation what days will he be having the children? What about Christmas? Half terms? School holidays.Make sure he understands that this includes overnights, he is a parent and has responsibility. Run his salary through a child maintenance calculator to see what you would be entitled to if he chooses to do less than 50/50.

He hasn't considered any of this, just when he can have sex with her. He hasn't considered having his children overnight at wherever he will be living which might be with her if she is stupid enough to let him just move him. Right now he is just thinking about being with her, not being with her whilst doing school runs, paying for childcare on the days he is scheduled to have his children and overnights.

Whatever you decide, this isn’t about you at all. This is him failing as a partner and parent. His one job (that he chose) is to create a stable and loving home for his kids. Instead he’s showing immaturity and recklessness. The girl is interchangeable, it could be anyone. She’s quite literally the closest option.

Cut your emotions off from him and his actions, they are entirely his problem. Your entire focus should be on you and your children. Work out the best possible outcome (that isn’t reliant on him, as he’s shown he’s unreliable ) and avidly pursue that.

He wants you to end it so he can shag her. Then he will want to come back.

Get him to fuck. For good.

THIS.

He said he wasn't willing to do that as he cares too much about her- but doesn't want a relationship with her

Id be sick on my shoes if I'd offered an olive branch and it was used to smash me in the stomach like this.

Fuck him - if it was a one off mistake he'd be sorry and crawling over glass to make it right.

I'd save my tears now, take control and get super clinical. Digging out his pension statements, sitting him down with a stone cold list of all your financial positions and creating a list of 50/50 childcare and ALL the boring, shit admin for kids - 'are you doing all the kids dentist appointments or doctors? Shoe fitting? Uniform shopping/assembly costumes?'
Get him to agree they won't meet any new partners for 12 months whatever the advisory is(obvs no enforceable but put a stick in any plans of playing happy families for the foreseeable).

Cut out any drama & make it so boring, process driven and clinical that all he has to talk about with his exciting new lady is how he's got the kids next weekend and they need plastic wallets for their homework book and a button sewing back on a cardigan.

Try not to show him ONE more tear and if he tries to pull any emotional shit on you, look bored & remind him this is what he wanted and his choices were crap and move on. Every time.

Enjoy every glimmer you can while you navigate this shitness OP.
Live a happy life without a cowardly cheat.

I went through similar with my ex DH. We’d been together 18 years, two children under 15 and I had been through a really awful year. Whilst I was going through that he started an affair. When he initially told me (admitted to it bit by bit) he said he wanted to stay and work things out. I was so shocked and devastated I agreed to this. He then massively gaslit me and continued the affair. I went through hell for months with him saying he wasn’t seeing her, yet still being at her workplace all the time. I was a mess, lost a lot of weight and felt like I was going mad. We split up after 4 months of this, he’d been seeing her the entire time and lying to me constantly.

My advice would be to tell him you will not tolerate being an “option” and ask him to leave. If he wants to stay together he should be cutting all contact with her and doing whatever you need to be able to trust him again. At present he seems to think he can stay with you whilst he works out who he wants to be with. He will probably already be sleeping with her. You and your children deserve better.

I wish I’d told my DH to leave and spelled out the implications of us divorcing. I think this would have shocked him into realising that his affair wasn’t “fun and exciting”, that there would be a massive fallout and he’d potentially have to parent our children part time and alone. As it was when everything came out our children were devastated and chose to have nothing to do with him. He was on/off with the OW for another 2 years then they split and it has taken over a year for him to try to repair his relationship with our children. One still won’t see him.

So he’s being a sulky child, and treating you like you are his mother and not his partner. Sometimes men get this idea that women - in any kind of role - should only ever selflessly want men to be happy, and find it unseemly and vulgar of a woman to point out how she is negatively impacted by his following his happiness or taking time to work out what he wants.

You are not his mother, or his therapist, or his platonic friend who wants to sit patiently with him as he works through his mixed feelings.

If he’s going to treat you like a support animal in this way he can fuck off right now. He doesn’t get time and grace to explore his feelings. He’s on his fucking own.

You are a person in your own right. You are not just a facilitator of his comfort and desires.

Honestly the fucking cheek.

I’m furious for you, OP, and wishing you comfort and strength.

Right, well that's that then.

He's told you where he's at and it's not with you, so it's his move.

Time for him to move on and let you get on with your life.

Why has he told you now? He has said he isnt willing to cut her out of his life.

what I’m getting from your update is that he wants to be with her, but she clearly doesn’t want him to move in as yet. So he’s hedging his bets until she is sure… He doesn’t want to have to go and find somewhere to live on his own. If she had said, come and live with me, I honestly believe he would’ve moved out by now.

he knows exactly what he wants, and it is not you and his children. Kick the fucker out, Put the onus on OW to pick up the pieces. It will probably scare the shit out of her and that exciting little office affair will suddenly become a very real problem.

Arrrggghhhhhh.....
why are some men such cowards????!!!!!!!
It's not longer his decision. He just wants you to look like the bad guy. Ducks in a row first OP then when you're ready, separate. Act like you're affected by it. Glad you're not doing the pick me dance. Totally selfish arse putting you through that. Don't stay in limbo hell. Take control. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. 💐

Now he has told you who he is you have the information to make the correct decision.

Get all the financials together and contact CMS. Kick him out and let family and friends know that he has been messing around with another woman but won’t actually end your relationship as he’s a coward.

I think its over Im afraid Sometimes whatever you do the marriage cant be saved .When you marry young ,people change a lot He is being untruthful I think .I would wager that hes slept with her ,and is feeling guilty .The reason he can sleep like a baby is hes got it off his chest. Men can be inherently selfish ,if they can get sex esp with someone new (not better just new) they are driven by their balls.I think to think about divorce .In 10 years you dont want to be back here saying hes been unfaithful .They are like dogs ,once they have a sniff about they cant stop !

They not married sadly!

I don't believe for one moment that any man would tell his partner or wife, that a colleague fancied him, he fancied her and they'd kissed - if there wasn't way more to it than that!! I suspect that your husband is already having a full-blown affair with his colleague and it's been going on some time. Of course he's dithering around, because he doesn't want to be the one to end your relationship and be the 'bad one'. He wants to be able to say to other people (including family), 'It wasn't my choice, it was X's, she decided to end our relationship'. You then end the relationship, and a few weeks later, he enters into a 'legitimate' relationship with his colleague, and he can then tell everyone 'they just got together after you both separated'! It will be bollocks of course! You don't have to make any decisions yet. Unless you are in a position to buy your partner out of his portion of the house, then the family home will need to be sold and any equity split. You will be entitled to child support from him but nothing else, because you aren't married.

I'm sorry. He doesn't want to let her go, but doesn't want to go as far as committing to her (quite possibly because there are limits from her, eg that she's not offering for him to move in)
He also doesn't want to deal with actually losing you, and all the benefits that come with your relationship - being looked after, childcare, status as a decent family man. That's why he 'doesn't know what he wants'. Because he wants a fling with her and to keep the status quo with you and the family. He knows he doesn't want consequences.

Op it sounds like you're seeing through his shit which is good, though please get yourself some legal advice - unfortunately being unmarried you will be in a weaker position, and if you're potentially going to be living on your own with the children you need to know what you're entitled to and frankly, whether you can afford to split, and how it would look.

This tells you where his priorities are unfortunately. That’s all you need to know really. He values having contact with her more than his relationship with you. He knows what he is doing he just doesn’t want to own it. He’s a coward.

Just catching up on these messages. Came home from my mums to him asking "do you want me to go?" "Ill leave if you want me to"
I basically said "I couldn't give a shit, if you want to go to her then go"
He replied he had a bag packed and was leaving, to stay with a mate 😂

So off he went, and it is honestly killing me, whhhhhyyy????

However had a lovely afternoon with the children, just us, we will get through this

Ugh. So many people talking about marriage, divorce and solicitors - even though OP clearly called him her partner, not husband, and confirmed in a later post that they are not married. OP doesn't need a solicitor! Certainly not at this stage and perhaps not at all, if they can agree on the house and the child arrangements.

OP, he's a shit and I hope you ask him to leave. How old are your children? Are you in paid work? You said your youngest has health issues, do you have caring responsibilities?

@whatwouldidoagain

This is pretty much what my ex did. I told him I’d had enough and that we needed to sort out what to tell our children and then him leave. He packed a bag and went there and then, to go to his “parents” (hers). Leaving me to deal with our distraught children. They’re selfish bastards and literally like a different person to who you thought they were.

I’d say going forward don’t trust a word he says, and don’t assume he’ll prioritise your children or be fair with finances.

I’m a few years on and have a happy life with my children. He’s still living at his parents, the relationship with the ow was an absolute shit show and ended.

If you work but earn under a certain amount you can claim Universal Credit. Also put in for the single occupancy council tax reduction, and check how much child maintenance he needs to pay.

I was in full time work until about 6 months ago when I cut my hours right down to 10hrs a week for my DD, I have recently been awarded DLA for her health problems.
They are 4 and 8.

So I had to unfortunately call him regarding an appointment tomorrow for our child that completely slipped my mind due to all of the upset.

I could hear children in the background, he admitted he was at her house with her
children.

Oh and he also said he wanted to be honest with me, and told me he slept with her last week -just the once apparently not

The drip feeding is exhausting

Are you claiming Carer's Allowance? You should claim it if you haven't yet done so. You should be able to get it backdated to the start of the DLA award.

You will probably be entitled to UC, too (assuming you don't have savings over £16k). Contact Help to Claim for a benefit check.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/claiming/contact-us-about-universal-credit/

Quelle surprise. Not.

Hugs, OP