Partner accidentally hurt child

[Sccrumb]

My partner accidentally hurt our child. It led to a big injury for them. He kept blaming our child. They are 3 nearly 4. In my eyes he kept nagging our child all day and wound the child up. It all came to head at bed time. I left them alone for two seconds and our child had hurt him physically and he accidentally hurt them back by reflex.

We are meant to be getting married soon. We live together and also have an older DC and baby. I can't look at him the same despite the fact I know he would never deliberately hurt our children. It was such a scary injury and I couldn't sleep from fear that our child would go downhill over night. He on the other hand, slept quite soundly.

What do I do? Help me. My head is a mess and I'm extremely hormonal being pp.

People are worried about your child. It’s not about you.

Your DP kicked your child. They are seriously injured as a result.

If you won’t leave him, SS should take your children into care.

Your partner can’t keep his temper and has injured a young child. However you try to excuse or frame this, it is not excusable.

Ah okay, you stand up in court and explain your complete inability to protect your child was due to PND. See how well that goes down. Scumbag.

I’m going to contact MNHQ and see if there’s anything they can do. Head injuries can be fatal, never mind a grown man against a toddler.

I used to work in a hospital with children with brain injuries. Quite a few of them had been put there by a violent father or stepfather losing his temper. It only takes one shove or shake and your child could be seriously disabled for life. Why would you risk that?

I don't think that's why people are angry. Plus pnd/no sleep, many Mums on here cope with- thats nothing to do with your child. It is without question the fact that you did not go immediately to hospital when your own post states "serious injury" I can't believe you don't understand why people are angry. That is not a 'MN lack of support' thing, not even in the slightest.

Oh OP, you know this isn’t right. Do people act reflexively when injured? Yes. But it should never be enough to cause serious injury to a child, and it should never be a result of anger. You’ve said yourself that if you told medical professionals what happened that it would look bad, which means you’re presumeably lying/downplaying it to cover for him. You wouldn’t have to lie to cover for him if you didn’t know how it looks because it’s not how it looks, it’s how it is.

This isn’t a post about how your partner accidentally tripped into your kid - he was already angry, enough that you had felt you needed to intervene - and he clearly isn’t able or willing to remove himself when that happens.

You said you don’t think your partner would ever intentionally hurt your children. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that mine would not. And I’m not saying that to be unkind, I’m saying it to point out that there is clearly a tiny voice in your head that is saying you couldn’t be sure.

This isn’t just a case of tripping. This happened because of his anger. With kindness, you need to leave, and you need to protect your children and be honest about what has happened. You are the only person who can keep them safe. Please don’t let him hurt them again.

Why are you risking your child’s life?

I don’t want to sound unsupportive here but it’s your child who needs help, not you. You are the one responsible for protecting your baby and keeping him safe.

OP it doesn’t matter how sleep deprived you (or how eager to hang on to your partner) your job is to protect your children. You call the police, you get your child medical attention, and you don’t live with an abusive man.

Sorry op but this whole “reflex” thing is bullshit. Working with children for many years I’ve been kicked, hit, had things thrown at me etc etc the reflex is to cover your face or duck, not kick out at a bloody child! He sounds horrible and I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near him.

I work in an occupation where I get physically hurt pretty much daily by children. I have NEVER hit back on reflex. Yes,sometimes its instinctive to want to but as the adult you just dont.

This wasn't an accident. He may not have premeditated the violence, it may have only been the one blow, so to speak, and he may not have intended to injure the child, but it was not an accident. He hit out in uncontrolled anger.

Your description of what happened isn't very clear but you have admitted that he was angry and wound up and does not manage his emotions around this child. Now just imagine if he's knocked your child unconscious and you'd had to call an ambulance? Can you hear yourself explaining that to the staff at the hospital, then the police and social services and what they'd have made of this interpretation of an 'accident'?

The thing is, and this makes it a lot worse and extremely likely to be repeated, he does not appear to be full of remorse about it. You can envisage a scenario whereby this 'accident' happened just as he said but any normal parent would be utterly horrified at having hurt their own child, and would be willing to take whatever measures necessary to make sure it never happened again. They'd also be shit scared at the thought of what would have happened had that child had been taken to hospital. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. He's blaming a toddler and you and not himself. He will have learned nothing and not take the really serious lesson from this that he should have. Hence it will be repeated, if he gets away with it.

Next time might involve a visit to hospital or a bruise that cannot be explained away. Your child is old enough to say daddy kicked me. You absolutely will be held to account even if you weren't in the room, because you know he is incapable of controlling his violent impulses around this child.

Get him out of the house, at least until he accepts the problem and learns to control himself, or you will end up having your children taken away from you. Or worse. A blow to the head could have killed that baby.

"Accidentally by reflex"

Confusing, why not say he or him, his or her.

They, them or their is when you are talking about all your children, collectively. It is clumsy when applied to one; 'our child' is two words, one would do.

Don't marry this guy, he's dangerous.

I think if your child had been injured enough to warrant a trip to hospital and you'd said "Oh he got thrown off his feet by an out of control adult" social services would be called.
It sounds like it was just luck that your child was not more seriously injured. Next time they might be.

This whole thread is actually worrying to read, OP doesn’t seem to grasp how serious this is. I’m fearful for those children and if I knew them personally I would be reporting to SS. Another “mother” choosing a man over her children.

People are trying to get you to accept your partner is a danger. No one wants to kick a woman when she's down, but they can understandably lose patience with a woman who will just not accept that something very significant has happened and she has to take action because of it.

I really hope your 3yo is ok, and I hope you get some rest as well. But that doesn't stop your situation from being very worrying. And your minimising is endangering your young children.

You know your partner was wrong to even be posting here. Please get him out your home for the safety of your children before they're front page news. It's never just once.

OP - this was your question in your OP - "What do I do? Help me. My head is a mess and I'm extremely hormonal being pp".

People have given you that help that you asked for, and you have argued with everyone, minimised what your DP did and are making it clear that you don't have any worries.

Then you claim that you are leaving because MN is well known for this... ie a pile on to the OP.

In this case though, there is no pile on, just a lot of concerned people, worried about the safety of your DC .

However, there is nothing that anyone here can do to protect your DC. That lies in your hands alone. You need to issue DP with an ultimatum, either he gets counselling for his issues, so that they go away, or he leaves.

He is the adult in the situation and should never respond in an angry way.

When I did parenting classes many years ago, to deal with a difficult child, they said if you shout, if you retaliate, then you have lost control, you have crossed the line, you are the adult and you need to remain so and not drop to the level of the child...

DP needs counselling and parenting classes. If you split up, then he should not have access to the DC on his own, so you need to raise this now so that they can be protected.

Yes, exactly.
This thread has been reported to MNHQ, by some wise and (faster) posters.
Hopefully the children will be safe. The attitude of the OP is very worrying.

However, I probably get reported for saying I'd like to be able to hang these men by their bollocks.

I hope that either this isn't a real post, or someone else is looking out for their children and can get that man away from them.

When my son was 3, I was very very hungover one morning (my mum was in the house babysitting) and he ran into the room. He tried to kiss me, but instead cracked his head directly into my nose. It bled and hurt so much. I didn't even shout at him, I just said I need a minute and did some deep breathing lol. It hurt like a bitch, but kids are kids. You defending his actions makes you complicit and hopefully when social gets involved you'll realise how awful this is.

Did the "someone medical" who checked your DS know how the injury occurred? If you think a safeguarding event would be raised if you had taken the child to hospital, why would you not want that to happen? Your partner cannot control his temper, you are fearful for your DC's safety, but do not want to access professional help for any of you!

Agree

Also red flags that mother says child winds father up with defiant behaviour

Children will exhibit behaviours. My children have hurt husband - not once have they been hurt.

The big difference is he’s not an angry person who abuses children.