Is it def over or is there a chance?

[Louise123uk]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

I am really sorry you're in this situation OP, but it does sound as if you've been his mum, which has probably fulfilled a need in you both. I think if you look at it objectively you will see this hasn't been a very healthy set up. I think that you can both probably do better than this.

It will be hard for a while but I would get hold of a counsellor and work on building yourself a life that puts you at the centre rather than mothering someone.

I have been in your shoes and I know how it feels, but I must say this man is no good news OP

you should be your own life, you don’t need his aggro, really

He honestly is a great guy and was always so caring prior to the going out drinking… do people really say I love you all morning and snap at one comment and dump you via text, argh, so hoping this isn’t real

Honey. Your future husband misses his ex, is an alcoholic who ignores you and pushes you away forcing you to become needy and too forgiving. He broke up your engagement and relationship through a text, and is now continuing to make you believe you're the problem.

Do you want to say one day "my husband blocked me, i hope he unblocks me soon!"? Because that is your life. The man who has treated you like this is the same man who will be your husband. He will always be the man who blocked his fiancé because she nags too much. He will always be the man who self destructs and destroys you.

Your entire world is this man. This man who clearly still wants his ex, thinks you nag him too much (when you're probably just begging for bare minimum), and he makes you feel panicked and desperate!

He doesn't love you, if he does it's not a lot. It doesn't seem like he even likes you. No brain injury could possibly stop me from loving my husband. He's using that as an excuse, and if he's that unwell he needs to be alone to sort his life out. He is not husband material.

In a week you'll feel better, in 2 weeks you'll accept it, in 3 weeks you'll start to plan your next steps, in a month you'll be a new person. I promise you, surviving this breakup will be less painful than surviving in a relationship with him. Tell your loved ones, get all the help you can.

But you haven’t ‘had a great life up til now’. He’s been struggling and turned to alcohol, and after you nagging him (how was that ever going to help) he eventually started texting his ex. Only he can stop himself from drinking. And you are not his saviour - he will suck the life out of you.
Even if he did unblock you and apologise do you really want your life like this?

I didn’t see that nagging so much on the drinking was pushing him away, it’s only been about the last three months as he was so sick of the endless meetings with care professionals and he is aiming to be a para atlhlete (triathlon) and he hasn’t been getting the funding for stuff from his pre claim money for various reasons so he started getting depressed
I my I hadn’t nagged I would have a relationship and honestly prior to last few months we have had some great fun times

He sounds very selfish. Bin!

@Louise123ukYou sound desperate but need to really take a look at this relationship. Echoing what PP have said, there has been issues - you don’t have a relationship with his family, you’ve had issues with his ex, he’s romantically messaging his ex, he’s a borderline alcoholic, he’s nasty whilst drinking, you pay money for him.. is this really what you want?

Honestly, I think you should accept that it's over. You shouldn't have to beg or put up with his drinking and treating you like shit to keep him - no man is worth subjudgating yourself like that.

You sound like you have very low self-esteem and need to work on yourself. Maybe try and have some counselling? You are worth more than this.

It sounds bad but it’s only been recently the drinking when his career as an athlete seems to be slipping away and he hates all the professionals in his life (they are thete whilst he has an ongoing claim), we honestly have a great time together fir most part and his messages were nice all morning saying he still loved me abd that I didn’t have to worry about losing him and then I must have nagged too far and he suddenly snapped maybe in anger saying it’s over

He has a brain injury though which his care professionals think may explain the turn to alcohol and it could be the lack of judgement, if I hasn’t nagged and just understood and more and just said ok let’s move on this would never have happened, kicking myself

Honestly OP, you come across extremely needy and with low self-esteem. This man does not seem to love you, you filled a need for him when he had his accident.
Accept his decision and move on.
You deserve much better than what this man is giving you.

Honestly though it’s been an extremely loving relationship up until very very recently when he went more distanced when he started drinking, or weekends and nights we did see each other were all great though… I obvs just went too far nagging and I mean one minute he was saying nothing to worry about and 5mins later I’m dumped, I honestly just think I pushed him over edge and just want the opportunity to say look it’s ok I’m backing off, fin only here on in

I mean I have straighteners and perfume at his, and we have each others keys

Telling him he needs to stop drinking isn't nagging. You can't put up with his behaviour because he's got a brain injury. You also can't be afraid to voice your opinion in case he finishes with you. This is not a healthy relationship, it's a shitshow!

Even if his BI is the reason for his drinking and texting his ex... why the fuck would you want that back?
Most relationships that break up were good once, what yours was like 3 months ago is irrelevant to how he's behaving now. I wasted 2 years with someone because I kept remembering how good it used to be, I WISH it had only been 3 months before one of us called it!

We’ve been together just over 3 and a half years, it was only not so good on certain days this last couple months as was worried on his drinking

This doesn't sound like a healthy or sustainable relationship for you. And, people who are really "great" and "caring" don't say I love you all morning and end it the next day. I'm sorry you are feeling so lost and unhappy but please get therapeutic help to figure out why you don't think you deserve better.

It’s due to the fact I’m the one who pushed him up say it by asking so many questions and bagging so much, some times I was downright ratty as hell, now I’m thinking it through properly I should not have been like thst

I have an acquired brain injury, admittedly mine may not have been as severe as your partner's, as I don't have any professionals involved in my life. The issues I have (and there are many), I have to manage myself, because there's nothing anyone can do to 'mend' my brain. However, I don't treat the people I love in my life, like your partner treats you. A brain injury can change a person's personality, make them aggressive, impulsive and quite unpleasant at times. Your partner must know that going out and drinking at weekends, isn't going to help your relationship or the issues he's facing and I expect whatever issues he has, is made worse when he drinks. He's choosing to behaviour in this way, he's choosing to blame you for his behaviour and he's choosing to message his ex. No one else is responsible for his behaviour. Your partner is solely responsible for his behaviour. His brain injury might play a part but it's not the complete cause, and it shouldn't be used as an excuse either. I'm sure your partner can be lovely, nice and pleasant at times, but there's periods when he isn't, and he's deeply unpleasant and selfish. Do you want to live your life like this? Living with someone who is at times unpredictable, nasty and very very selfish. Are you planning on having children? I wouldn't be bringing a child into this relationship at all. You can't protect him from himself and you can't 'fix' him either. He's not going to get 'better', the brain is amazing and can heal, but it can only do so much. This will be your life. Him throwing tantrums at you for perceived slights against him, dumping you every so often, you taking him back and spending your time walking on egg shells trying not to do/say anything that will cause up upset. End the relationship, as hard as it may be. You deserve better.

He is honestly a great guy, it’s me who has nagged and been a needy mess… I just want a chabce to prove I can be his fun partner again but probs will not get that chance, we had fun as recently as the weekend watching fireworks

With respect you sound like a teenager and very needy. The whole relationship sounds unhealthy. You are involved with a somewhat vulnerable man with more of a mother role than a partner.

Very little of what you said about him in your original post suggests that he is a 'great guy' and you don't appear to be receptive to any of the very sensible advice being offered here. You do seem needy and lacking in self-esteem so perhaps can't see this, but he is certainly not the prize catch you're making him out to be. Drinking excessively, messaging his ex, blocking you - this is not mature, kind behavior.

We have fun all the time, loads of days or and laughs even just watching Netflix. He just went off the rails a bit cos his career aspirations are slipping away and all the intrusion in his life is getting crazy intense so what I did I now see I see wasn’t hrlping but it took this to stop abs make me think, really hate myself

You are blaming yourself for his behaviour! He's blaming you for his behaviour! You aren't responsible for his behaviour. It's much easier for him to blame you, than admit that he's been wrong to be out drinking excessively, and causing you to worry. That would mean he'd have to take responsibility for his behaviour. He wants you needy because it makes you much more pliable, and less likely to challenge his behaviour! You said yourself he doesn't like being 'told what to do'. He wants you to accept his behaviour regardless how bad it may be, and to shut up.

OP don't try and hold on...I did and he walked 15 years later leaving me with children and broke. It's taken years to accept it and I'm embarrassed to say I still love him. I realised I had to focus on me and the kids. But if I could turn back the clock I wish I hadn't wasted so much energy, time and money on someone who wasn't worthy of me.