Is it def over or is there a chance?

[Louise123uk]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

OP, you actually sound quite vulnerable yourself and it's obvious you are not going to listen to any of the good advice on this thread.

Op I think you’re being too hard on yourself here . You’re feeling raw as you’re upset and you’re still in the blaming yourself phase of grieving the relationship. But I think he’s been looking to cheat if he hasn’t already . My ex used to blame me for picking fights and shouting at him but completely ignoring the context of him seeing another woman behind my back and me finding suspicious stuff (think used condoms) in his house. I also used to blame myself for losing my rag but really I think I had every right now . Look at the whole picture not just your side. You just need to give it a bit of time .

The drinking is a big issue. I would call it a day OP. Try online dating perhaps maybe someone closer in age to yourself.

I say this with care - you are so desperate to excuse his behavior that you are not letting yourself see the real situation. You keep saying this is your fault for nagging him, but this means that for the relationship to work you would need to subvert all of your feelings and just let him do whatever he wants. Otherwise you will annoy him and he might block you. Friend, you are 41 YEARS OLD. You know this is ridiculous and you deserve to much more.

"I do no want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic" say that over to yourself 1000 times, until you properly believe it. If/when he unblocks you say that to him. Balls then firmly in his court to sort his sorry ass out.

Stop blaming yourself. He's gas lit and manipulated you into thinking this is your fault, when really it's all on him. Stop telling him (or any other bloke) over and over that you love him and then asking if he lives your and how much. It's pathetic and needy and sure to drive anyone away. Love is demonstrated by actions not words.

Put his door keys through his door with a note saying you need yours back, and your straighteners. Tell him he can keep the perfume for his ex.

For god's sake OP, listen to what people are saying and stop repeating yourself and saying that it's all your fault. Otherwise this thread is completely pointless.

You are burying your head in the sand! He hates you! He is done, over it, no going back. He's probably already messaging his ex

I always think if you read the problem back as though you’re another user and it sounds really complicated and like a lot of hassle, you have your answer. Your relationship just sounds messy and frustrating. Brain injury aside, I think the age gap is showing in ways. He’s a similar age to me but some men clearly mature at very different rates to women, he’s still acting like he’s in his early 20s. You’re at different stages in life.

It doesn’t matter how amazing he was up until recently, he has drastically changed and is a total mess. Messaging his ex should be enough to get rid of him tbh, he was trying to cheat on you but luckily she was honest and let you know.

Hit reset. You’re young enough to move on and find someone worthy.

Really can’t get my head round that I could never see him again or the flat we spent so much time at abd that I bought loads of stuff for

OP, respectfully, go and get your shit back and move on. This was painful to read. A brain injury cant be the sole excuse for being a prick. So what if you 'nagged' him about pissing up the wall daily, id do the same if my partner was at it. Brain injury or not.
And let's not get started on the texting his ex.

He sounds like a twat.

You seem to be tying yourself in knots justifying his behaviour. Can't you see that you are blaming your very normal reaction to him abusing alcohal, for him missing his ex and pushing you away? That's on him. From you, respectfully it all sounds desperate and a bit sad. You can't go through life appeasing someone to your own detriment (and in this case his own with the drinking). You sound like if he came back, you'd say nothing, just watch him destroy himself with drink for fear he'd walk away again. I would leave him to it, and find some courage yourself to say, actually you won't have him back while he continues to go down the alcohalic route... as I imagine he will be back.

Yes but his brain injury isn’t going to go away…it might ‘explain’ him turning to alcohol but it doesn’t excuse the way he treats you as a result. It sounds like he went through a huge change in lifestyle when he had the brain injury, the impact is continuing and he’s probably very pissed off about it. Drinking, for now, makes him feel better. You have become another enemy by pointing out how bad it is for him. Firstly, I don’t think it was good advice from the ‘professionals’ to tell you to ask him to stop. Surely any addiction counsellor knows the stopping has to come from them? Secondly, you can’t fix him. He has to fix himself. Don’t waste your life, your money, your love enabling him, and waiting for him. Walk away, keep your dignity, find a new life that is centred around YOUR wants and needs not those of a self-destructing man.

Well they didn’t say nag him like I landed up doing when I think on it about his drinking but just encourage him not to and let him know it’s not ok to get wasted etc so it’s my fault I’m going too far as I was upset at him not stopping since he has been warned loads these meetings will
omly increase and he will need more interventions and hat restrict his life if doesn’t stop and then I guess when you add me then having gone on and on about the messages to ex thing and not just accepting he didn’t want to give his side and just to accept that he said he loved me and move on, then he has just been pushed over the edge into hating me mode

His feelings didn't change that quickly. He was lying to you before. He texted his ex because he isn't in love with you any more, he just wasn't being honest. The kind of man who speaks of professionals doing their job and his parents trying to help him in the way that he has is not a decent man. He 'hates' them and it's 'intrusive' - he is immature, selfish and delusional. Sadly you are clearly very deluded about him. You need to force yourself to step right back and just wait for the storm of your feelings to pass, it will be horrible and it will hurt but one day you'll be able to see him for who he truly is, and see the value of his feelings for you.

I think OP is trolling. Every post is a ramble lacking punctuation and sense and just repeating the same nonsense.

Texting his ex is reading enough to dump him but he already got there first and blocked you. Move on.

Your opening post reads as though you've always been slightly embarrassed that you got together with a 27-year-old when you were 11 years older than him, knowing his family and friends hated it.

As a result, he's had the upper hand right through the relationship, and you've bent over backwards to mother him and give him money and put up with stuff you shouldn't have because of this obvious imbalance.

It's very clear this has been a parental relationship, not a properly equal romantic one, and it's also clear you have absolutely no self-esteem and your bar for men is dragging on the floor.

This is probably the best thing that could ever happen to you, if you would only stop fixating on how you could have twisted yourself into a pretzel to make this somewhat unappealing man stay with you.

You should get yourself to therapy as quickly as possible, tell your therapist the entire truth and not a cherry-picked version of it, then listen to what they say as you clearly have no intention of listening to what anyone on this thread is saying.

TLDR - you aren't this man's mother, so stop trying to be that. He isn't very nice, despite the brain injury. You need help, and focusing on this destructive relationship is the thing that's preventing you from getting it.

I’m def genuine, just very upset if I ramble and def not embarrassed I giotbin a relationship with him. Our age gap has never been an issue between us or with anyone else bar his parents who have never liked anyone he has dated. I find him really attractive and he always said he did me too and we were always dead proud saying this is my partner to everyone we met. Everyone has always seen us a great couple bar his parents, my family, our friends etc

our relationship was always really loving and balanced, he brought a lot like he has been caring, romantic throughout and was always very active like being the more domesticated one with the cooking etc

I feel it would be different if we talked in person but not sure how long to wait to go round, I mean I wouldn’t even know if he was in lol though certain times much more likely

Also I haven’t given him
loads of money just like we eating out a lot abd stuff and until his claim settles he only has benefits and pre money (not much per month) and can’t work

Someone I spoke to tonight said texting his ex is no big deal so sounds as though I went too far going on at him. They said maybe he does find her beautiful so that comment is no big deal as he can find other people beautiful and that he is allowed to miss whoever he wants… I never thought of any of it like that I just panicked

Whoever you spoke to is a moron. It also shouldn’t matter what someone else says, how does it make you feel? At the end of the day if you don’t care, then that’s fine, but if it hurts you & makes you feel betrayed then he should acknowledge that & have a conversation. He’s acting like a petulant child by ignoring you & refusing to speak to you over something that has hurt you & that’ll never change. If you want to live your life walking on egg shells, afraid to speak up for yourself in case he dumps you, then that’s up to you.

Well he did address it a bit via text just wouldn’t speak to me and now I think it’s cos he hates himself for it, he did say that briefly and she did say he was begging her not to tell me.

I’m not blocked on one thing it looks like so could alternatively wait a while and message on there…

Really does all feel like so out the blue that I think he is just frustrated and hurting from all happening in his life

Whoever you spoke to sounds as though they thought they were being kind (actually they weren't). Of course it's a big deal for your partner to contact his ex and send messages to her calling her beautiful and saying he missed her (he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together) he's attempting to open the door on either getting back with her and/or cheating on you.

Also, you seem to be ignoring sensible advice and latching on to comments that are telling you what you want to hear?

And, I'll say it again (like so many others on here), his bad behaviour is down to him NOT you. Do you think it would have been healthy to have sat back and silently tolerated heavy drinking and self destructive behavour? On top of potential cheating? That's not what a loving relationship looks like. And if he was able to just snap his fingers and immediately dump you, then it wasn't as perfect as you thought it was - although I think you have a case of looking through rose coloured glasses.

OP - you will never ever fix or change him. Stop trying.
If he wants to stop drinking and improve himself it has to come from him not you.

Your energy would be far better spent on someone who behaves like and treats you as an equal.