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Original poster

Is it def over or is there a chance?

180 replies

Louise123uk · 06/11/2025 21:02

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

OP posts:
TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 06/11/2025 23:14

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

Which professionals?

I strongly suggest you speak to Al-Anon.

You're not responsible for him, his choices, or his habits.

He is an adult with agency, and the more you stick your nose in to his choices, the less likely he will be to seek recovery.

On top of that, dodge the bullet!

MeganM3 · 06/11/2025 23:15

He won’t bring you long term happiness.
You will most likely waste the next couple of years or so going around in circles with this on/off/nice/not nice guy with trauma. And then he will finally leave, for someone else, and you’ll be left a dreadful misery mostly because you wasted so much time and energy when you knew it wouldn’t work in the long run.

Use this time right now to give him the space he very clearly wants. Do things for yourself and your own further happiness. Give it months. If you can move on all together then fantastic- and if you can’t, atleast you had a few months of being productive before you’re back to square one.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 06/11/2025 23:19

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 06/11/2025 23:14

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

Which professionals?

I strongly suggest you speak to Al-Anon.

You're not responsible for him, his choices, or his habits.

He is an adult with agency, and the more you stick your nose in to his choices, the less likely he will be to seek recovery.

On top of that, dodge the bullet!

I know now I was on the wrong that’s what I mean that I have done this

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise123uk · 06/11/2025 23:20

MeganM3 · 06/11/2025 23:15

He won’t bring you long term happiness.
You will most likely waste the next couple of years or so going around in circles with this on/off/nice/not nice guy with trauma. And then he will finally leave, for someone else, and you’ll be left a dreadful misery mostly because you wasted so much time and energy when you knew it wouldn’t work in the long run.

Use this time right now to give him the space he very clearly wants. Do things for yourself and your own further happiness. Give it months. If you can move on all together then fantastic- and if you can’t, atleast you had a few months of being productive before you’re back to square one.

Sadly he has blocked me on everything so no way to contact him down the line after giving him space, hoping he has just blocked me in anger

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 02:23

I remember this morning he said he hated himself for the messages, I should have just left it

OP posts:
AutumnCosy2025 · 07/11/2025 02:39

You could be my godsons girlfriend (you're not because he's not trying to be a professional athlete, & his parents are supportive, loving & love his gf) my godson had a brain injury, I get it. Most people won't.

I think the best thing to do is TRY to get some sleep. Nothing will be helped by staying awake & fretting. Let him calm down, let him realise what a twat he's been. He will. Just give him the spaces to work it out.

it'll be ok xx

Enrichetta · 07/11/2025 02:50

Please, do yourself a favour and read Women Who Love Too Much.

Many similarly needy women have found it life-changing.

Newmama29 · 07/11/2025 03:26

Why are you going on as if you’re the problem “nagging” at him? Are we missing the number one issue here that he has been texting his ex saying he misses her & when you confront him about it he doesn’t even try to talk to you about it?

You need to drop him. Stop wishing you hadn’t “nagged” at him & get angry at the fact he is disappearing on you, drinking, texting his ex & blocking you. Nagging him is the least of your worries.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 04:28

I know but he had daid was all
Ok and he loved me but I kept going on like really are you sure, doesn’t feel like it etc abd pribs out on the straw that breaks the camels back - if I had I wouldn’t be posting now 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 04:29

AutumnCosy2025 · 07/11/2025 02:39

You could be my godsons girlfriend (you're not because he's not trying to be a professional athlete, & his parents are supportive, loving & love his gf) my godson had a brain injury, I get it. Most people won't.

I think the best thing to do is TRY to get some sleep. Nothing will be helped by staying awake & fretting. Let him calm down, let him realise what a twat he's been. He will. Just give him the spaces to work it out.

it'll be ok xx

Edited

Thsnk you, I am keeping everything crossed so you really think so?

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 07/11/2025 04:36

Don’t worry. Your cheating alcoholic ex will be back when the money runs out. You can bet your honey sandwiches on that.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 04:38

He now gets his money rationed every couple weeks so he won’t run out, I just used to pay for a lot of stuff as he doesn’t get much till his claim is settled

OP posts:
Deebee90 · 07/11/2025 04:40

I’m sorry but I don’t think he’ll be back. He’s contacting his ex girlfriend saying he misses her and he’s putting drinking over you. You need therapy for your issues and so does he.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 04:49

My issues are just I’m in love and hate myself for being the one who caused this… I will look at counselling but I’m really a together person who does a good job

OP posts:
ChessorBuckaroo · 07/11/2025 05:01

You did not cause this. He is unstable so no wonder you don't feel secure.

That book you were recommended (women who love too much), that's a great suggestion.

Counselling is not a bad suggestion either Louise. I think if you were in a stronger frame of mind you wouldn't be putting up with this mess. You mention you have good times with him too, but there is no stability. It's built on sand. A good relationship wouldn't have you this unsettled nor overthinking things.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 05:08

Well just overthinking where I should have stopped going on, I added the straw that broke the camels back 😞 honestly everyone has always said we are a fab couple even recently it’s just he has gone drinking a lot as he got upset about state of his career and his long his claim is taking with all these professionals in his life. I’m told ppl with a brain injury process a lot different and I haven’t been understanding enough on that

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 07/11/2025 05:18

Louise123uk · 06/11/2025 21:21

I didn’t see that nagging so much on the drinking was pushing him away, it’s only been about the last three months as he was so sick of the endless meetings with care professionals and he is aiming to be a para atlhlete (triathlon) and he hasn’t been getting the funding for stuff from his pre claim money for various reasons so he started getting depressed
I my I hadn’t nagged I would have a relationship and honestly prior to last few months we have had some great fun times

Edited
Show quote history

Please stop using negative misogynistic language against yourself.

Nagging is a term out of the 1950s directed only at women. Your "nagging" was because he didn't want you to point out his failings.

You have the choice and the ideal opportunity to walk away, as they say on here "the trash just took itself out". He has done you a massive favour, grab it with both hands. You don't need all that hassle.

Mothership4two · 07/11/2025 05:24

OP you didn't cause this and you aren't his saviour.

Are you saying you wish you had tolerated his heavy drinking? Well that's enabling. And he sounds like he was sounding out his ex to either leave you or cheat - would you overlook that too?

LAMPS1 · 07/11/2025 05:52

You are clinging on in desperation to what I see as an unsustainable relationship ship.
What about your needs OP? They can’t all be centred around him. It’s become too suffocating for him no doubt.

Your role appears to be carer/nurse/best friend/lover/fun provider but it’s never properly balanced with your own wants and needs. You see your role as fitting in to support whatever it is that he needs or what his professionals say he needs.
You are totally dedicated to him but ignoring yourself. You have been kind and selfless but it’s no longer a healthy relationship that will endure.

Because you put him first all this time, your own sense of self has eroded. He has become your sole purpose.
Give yourself time now away from him to discover who you are again and what you actually want out of life. It’s important to do this work on yourself for your own future happiness.
I think that’s exactly what he’s doing right now ….branching out without you a bit. Maybe that’s a good thing for his development after his accident, sad as it is for you. Take advantage to pay more attention to your own life.

He’s moving on OP. Let him go and you do the same.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 06:34

Honestly my message must make it sound like I do loads for him it’s just some basic stuff around reading letters, filling in forms as the brain injury set his dyslexia right back and done stuff with planning out logistics some times… he only has these care professionals for his claim or he did until the drinking started and they weed more genuinely needed

we lived a really full happy life, all he said yesterday that I was p*ssing him off going on all the time and I am coming across like others in his life he hates like patents and professionals when I nag.. so hence why he then went right it’s over when I was going on via text, really think he was lashing out when angry is all

I know if we could just see ea g other all would be fine but don’t want to go to his flat whete we spent most of our time yet as he needs space…?he said more he was sick of everything going on and it’s only when I kept going on like a nagger yesterday he got ratty, his words were v unlike him

OP posts:
viking11 · 07/11/2025 07:20

OP...try and get some rest. Then reach out to family and friends for some support.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/11/2025 07:20

Oh op. You aren’t listening to a word anyone is saying. Honestly why come on here if you aren’t going to take stuff on board…! You sound needy and frankly willing to put up with any amount of shit from this man. FFS don’t. Raise your bar, you are worth more - he is not good for you, let it go. There is some great advice here. I suggest you reread this thread, move on with your life and consider counselling for why you are willing to be treated like this.

Newmama29 · 07/11/2025 07:26

None of this negates the fact that he was messaging his ex though. Why does that not bother you?

Original poster
Louise123uk · 07/11/2025 07:31

Newmama29 · 07/11/2025 07:26

None of this negates the fact that he was messaging his ex though. Why does that not bother you?

It does but he can sometimes lack best judgement reasoning skills and act on impulse so when I have taken time to consider it that is what I should have been focusing on… I have read the stuff but it was all v abrupt in a matter of minutes via text, reassurance he loves me then all of a sudden you are really p’ing me off and it was me who actually said it’s not over is it that’s not what you are suddenly saying then he said it’s, I almost put the words in his mouth stupidly… if I had just nagged less and focused on his brain injury playing a part I wouldn’t be hete

OP posts:
Newmama29 · 07/11/2025 07:33

I’m sorry OP but I don’t think everything can be blamed on a brain injury. It also can’t be a reason to accept poor behaviour from him, you shouldn’t have to suffer emotionally. He’s not exactly being kind to you now by effectively ghosting you.