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Original poster

Is it def over or is there a chance?

180 replies

Louise123uk · 06/11/2025 21:02

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise123uk · 08/11/2025 09:21

FoxLoxInSox · 08/11/2025 09:16

As someone who’s worked clinically with people with acquired brain injury I feel quite uncomfortable about all this. You are 11 years older than a vulnerable person, who you yourself say has cognitive defects including poor decision-making, impulsivity and recklessness. This is indicative of someone who should be being cautioned against getting together with someone 11yrs older - and yet you dismiss his parents’ concerns as rubbish.

You forget that his parents, unlike you, will have seen the ‘before TBI’ him and the ‘after TBI’ him, and are therefore in a better place than you to know the difference in him and what he would/wouldn’t have wanted/consented to in terms of a romantic or sexual relationship relationship, and are trying to uphold this now that he makes reckless decisions that aren’t aligned to his previous personality? As you’re 11yrs older than him there will be subtle parental power dynamics going on, which complicate the vulnerability he now has. ….So can you really not see why they are uncomfortable about your relationship???

With respect OP, you yourself come across as very young and naive, and unable to take on board written feedback. I’m wondering how you both met… was this via a brain injury support group perhaps? Do you have difficulties of your own? If so, this will further complicate any situation.

Please step away from this brain-injured young man, and live the life of a 41 year old.

Edited

No his parents aren’t bothered about it cos of control in anyway they told his professionals, it’s that they just think he should be with a fellow athlete about the same age. They have had a list of complaints about every partner and I’ve been told they were like this also begire his accident. His professionals think an age gap brought stability and that you could hardly tell. His ex was his age seen as a bad influence as she has loads of mental health issues abd is regularly sectioned and stole from him.

Not having kids I have a young outlook and we enjoy a lot of same stuff bar I’m not sporty.

I don’t havd a brain injury, we met online and it honestly has been a fab relationship, it’s only cos I posted about the few things that have been challenging to highlight we get through stuff and gavd supported each other. I gave posted about the hundreds of great times, all the ways he has been there for me etc. His professionals have got a surprise from the driving as he has always been much more together than that but they said they got his frustrating it can be with all the intrusions as time goes on with claims and the hoops he has to jump through and fact his career chances as an athlete keep taking a knock.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise123uk · 08/11/2025 09:29

Louise123uk · 08/11/2025 09:21

No his parents aren’t bothered about it cos of control in anyway they told his professionals, it’s that they just think he should be with a fellow athlete about the same age. They have had a list of complaints about every partner and I’ve been told they were like this also begire his accident. His professionals think an age gap brought stability and that you could hardly tell. His ex was his age seen as a bad influence as she has loads of mental health issues abd is regularly sectioned and stole from him.

Not having kids I have a young outlook and we enjoy a lot of same stuff bar I’m not sporty.

I don’t havd a brain injury, we met online and it honestly has been a fab relationship, it’s only cos I posted about the few things that have been challenging to highlight we get through stuff and gavd supported each other. I gave posted about the hundreds of great times, all the ways he has been there for me etc. His professionals have got a surprise from the driving as he has always been much more together than that but they said they got his frustrating it can be with all the intrusions as time goes on with claims and the hoops he has to jump through and fact his career chances as an athlete keep taking a knock.

Edited
Show quote history

That post should say I have posted about the hundreds of great times not that I gave, sorry typing on phone abd eouldnt let me edit it

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 08/11/2025 10:51

I actually feel very sorry for this man.
He has told you he wants to finish the relationship, please listen to him and respect his wishes. Don't try and manipulate him when he's so vulnerable.
Your posts are very unhinged and bordering on stalking.

LAMPS1 · 08/11/2025 11:28

It’s really not difficult at all OP, for the professionals to think of you as a better choice of girl friend than his ex who herself had serious mental health issues, was regularly sectioned and stole from him. But she is beautiful to him and he was clearly hankering after her. Good for you for making clear what you thought.

Can you try to look at it this way…..
He’s young and wants to be carefree. He has the constraints of his injury without those of a mother-hen girl-friend who clings on to him for dear life. So he ended it.
You were good to him. You had good times. You were absolutely right to try to uphold your own standards around alcohol and his growing impulse to cheat. He didn't want your standards, there was a mis-match there, (which you are hell bent on wanting to ignore) so he did the decent thing, albeit suddenly and without any warning for you.

Your work now is to help yourself get over it. Start with those good boundaries you held with him and get rid of your regret about having ‘gone on’. Of course you have to speak up for yourself!

The prize is to know what you want and who you are and to be confident in knowing you are a decent person with good morals who cannot be trampled on and taken as a mug. The prize comes from you, not from anybody else. You have to be happy and sure of yourself before you can match well with another.

You already have that instinct for good boundaries, but sadly don’t recognise it. The moment you give way, you have lost your dignity.
He is not the prize you think he is.

GiveafuckGertrude · 08/11/2025 11:51

OP, I want to shake you. Where is your self respect? He’s been chasing his ex, and isn’t bothered that you know about it, but you’ve continued to basically beg him to stay with you and said that you’re sorry?! It sounds like there is nothing that this man could do that you wouldn’t forgive.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/11/2025 11:57

OP, it isn't you. He's decided, for whatever reason and I don't think it's the brain injury, that he wants something else. It's not your 'nagging' or anything else that you've done that has driven him away, it's that he's changed his mind as we are all entitled to do, and now wants something or someone else.

It's hard, it really is, but you have to protect yourself. Pull back, disengage. Cry but occupy yourself with other things. He's not going to turn around and say he made a mistake and wants you back - and if he did, would you ever trust him that he wouldn't do this again?

You have to let him go.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 08/11/2025 12:08

I’m not stalking him but someone just suddenly saying it’s over after 3 and a half years and blocking is a bug deal, think you need to have it happen to know what it feels like…. Also we were constantly having fun and he was always saying to me he adored me and would never ever want to be without him and if we were ever angry which wasn’t often that he loved me and swear I’d never leave

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 08/11/2025 12:33

Men do that …they say those romantic things. Maybe they mean it in the moment but the romance and the words that go with it are very often not sustainable. Especially not at 30.
Even without his brain injury he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s allowed to grow and develop and change his mind and express himself as best he can. You have no alternative but to accept it.

Yes it’s a big deal when it happens, and many of us do have experience of being dumped unceremoniously….and we carry the wisdom that comes from it which you are trying so hard to negate in your desperation to hang on to him.

You weren’t married, you weren’t living together. You don’t have the stress of physically separating your lives and finances. There’s only a set of hair straighteners and two sets of keys to sort out,,,,nothing more urgent than that. Let him make the first move on that. You don’t go running after a man who has treated you like that. Only a fool thinks …he didn’t mean it really.

Take a leap of faith in yourself OP. You can get over this. It’s very hard. It feels so very unjust. But you have to put yourself first.
And stop relying on him for your self worth. He’s told you it’s over. Believe him.

Dweetfidilove · 08/11/2025 12:44

Louise123uk · 06/11/2025 23:04

We have fun all the time, loads of days or and laughs even just watching Netflix. He just went off the rails a bit cos his career aspirations are slipping away and all the intrusion in his life is getting crazy intense so what I did I now see I see wasn’t hrlping but it took this to stop abs make me think, really hate myself

Life has a way of challenging us in unimaginable ways. Are you accepting that your loving, fun, all round great guy will reconnect with his ex and dump you every time things get tough?

If yes, please go and get your prince back so no-one else has the bother of financing, nursing, mothering and being his general admin assistant.

fraughtcouture · 08/11/2025 13:18

This is such a pointless thread. OP has no intention of listening to any advice, and just wants ideas on how to win this prince back. Have at it, OP, fill your boots!

SliceofTosst · 08/11/2025 13:41

OP, stop being a martyr and accept things are not as great as you thought. You are clashing with opinions and he's contacted his ex. If he's not interested in her, he's doing it to be spiteful to you. Not great is it?

TheThingOnTheIce · 08/11/2025 16:00

@Louise123ukdid you go to his house?

WheresMyHatGone · 08/11/2025 19:37

Sweet Jesus, this is giving Baby Reindeer vibes....

LoyalMember · 08/11/2025 19:48

I think you deserve better. It sounds like you're a combination of his mum and carer. Find a nice guy to have a nice time with without the extra baggage.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 09/11/2025 13:35

He said it’s over as all I do is nag and go on and he is sick of me so confirmed that it is my fault and he said it’s not just the drinking I nag about all sorts

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 09/11/2025 14:31

Op it was not your nagging it was never your nagging
cheaters rarely hold their hands up and admit it and blame themselves
he will be back with his ex id bet my house on it

did you get your stuff back ?

LAMPS1 · 09/11/2025 14:39

It was always coming OP. Just a matter of time.
And it was 100% NOT your fault.

You were right to stand up for yourself.

Original poster
Louise123uk · 10/11/2025 11:24

I just feel so extra bad now it has confirmed it was all me, I’ve taken away the person I love most in the world

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise123uk · 10/11/2025 13:25

I’ve drove away the love of my life

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 10/11/2025 13:47

No. You’ve split up with someone who only wants you around on very specific terms.

It’s a break up and it really hurts, of course it does, but your life isn’t over.

DaisyChain505 · 10/11/2025 14:24

You had a life before this person and you’ll have one after him.

anytipswelcome · 10/11/2025 14:24

Louise123uk · 10/11/2025 13:25

I’ve drove away the love of my life

If he was the love of your life then you wouldn’t have broken up and it really, honestly wouldn’t have all felt this tumultuous and dramatic beforehand.

You aren’t in the right headspace for a relationship because you’re so quick to blame yourself and be a martyr that you’re going to attract abusive men next if you don’t work on yourself before dating again in future.

You wanted someone to be nice to you, someone not drink every night especially against the advice of brain specialists after an injury, someone to be financially responsible, someone to not message exes saying they’re beautiful and he misses them… you’ve not asked for the earth mate your bar is barely off the ground - they are all very reasonable, normal things to expect from a partner.

Your response is so self flagellating and dramatic that as I say I don’t think you’re anywhere close to being ready to be in a relationship until you work on yourself and have more self worth than you currently do.

yikesss · 10/11/2025 16:58

Im sorry this hasnt worked out the way you had hoped, you just have to trust this is for the best and try to move forward. Start small, appreciate the little things. I know it will be tough but most of us have lived through heartbreak and are here to tell the tale, and you will too. I am cheering you on. Xx

Original poster
Louise123uk · 11/11/2025 11:50

So yesterday he has told me he got a diagnosis of PTSD and is going to a special counsellor for that also, could it just be this new diagnosis that has made him suddenly decide he doesn’t love me

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 11/11/2025 11:52

Hi OP, I just saw your latest post and wondered if any of my previous one rang true at all? I ask as it doesn’t seem you’re taking on board what people are saying. Here it is again, curious as to your thoughts. Try to be really honest with yourself.

If he was the love of your life then you wouldn’t have broken up and it really, honestly wouldn’t have all felt this tumultuous and dramatic beforehand.

You aren’t in the right headspace for a relationship because you’re so quick to blame yourself and be a martyr that you’re going to attract abusive men next if you don’t work on yourself before dating again in future.

You wanted someone to be nice to you, someone not drink every night especially against the advice of brain specialists after an injury, someone to be financially responsible, someone to not message exes saying they’re beautiful and he misses them… you’ve not asked for the earth mate your bar is barely off the ground - they are all very reasonable, normal things to expect from a partner.

Your response is so self flagellating and dramatic that as I say I don’t think you’re anywhere close to being ready to be in a relationship until you work on yourself and have more self worth than you currently do.

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