Is it def over or is there a chance?

[Louise123uk]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

You were going out of your way to please him OP. You were going against your own natural needs to do what you thought was right by him because of his brain injury. You made too many adjustments down and that became the norm for you. You have been too long ignoring your own basic needs that you can’t see the wood for the trees any more. You are in need of professional help to get back your sense of self. To get back to your instincts for self preservation. Self preservation is not down this route you are hell bent in taking. That way, only lies more and more hurt. You need to change tack in your thinking now.

He is in a perpetual state of confusion because of his brain injury and now this new diagnosis of PTSD. He is bouncing between self destruction with alcohol and looking for new excitement in his love life.
He can’t get in touch with his own needs let alone yours.
He isn’t in a state to love himself let alone you.
This state he’s in, isn’t going to change any time soon.
The new diagnosis doesn’t help make him love you. It doesn’t give you hope.
Nothing will help you the way you want to be helped.

There is no way to make somebody love you even if you believe they loved you once.

He has discovered he doesn’t love you. He said you were nagging and dragging him down. He wanted to be free of commitment to you OP.
He has been honest at least about that.

Leave him alone to get on with his recovery.
You must try to get on with yours.

Exactly though I was nagging him and dragging him down, I just hate myself so much for doing that

You were nagging him and dragging him down becasue for once you did the right thing and stood up for yourself.
Thats not something to hate in yourself …it’s something to celebrate !

He wanted to live a wild life with alcohol and seeking extra romantic excitement.
You stood up to that and said ….hey, that’s not good, what about me, I don’t like your behaviour. Good fur you ! That was exactly what you needed to do.

He isn’t in a healthy enough state to think about you OP. that won’t change now. You can’t go backwards.
It was never sustainable. Good for a time being yes, but never sustainable.
Why can’t you grasp that it continued on to the stage where you still thought it was love but it was simply a very strong attachment. And he suddenly wanted to break free from that sort of attachment. He wanted to live his life freely without commitment to you. He was done with your support.

You are still a good worthy person deserving of a proper long lasting, much more equal relationship. One with integrity from both sides.

You need to set yourself free from him now. Stop wallowing in this awful self blame. You have nothing to chastise yourself for.

It wasn’t nice for you the way he did it but he has a brain injury remember. But he did mean it. That much is clear.

Give yourself a break OP.
There’s nothing to be done but to get over it as best you can.
So pick yourself up and try to distract yourself and treat yourself to something you really deserve. It’s definitely not him.
He wasn’t right for you in the long term.

He doesn't give a shit OP! He doesn't care. I know you love him, but he doesn't love you. Move on with some dignity

I think you’ve picked the wrong thing to focus on from LAMPS1’s posts. It might be a good idea to take a deep breath and think about what you can do over the next few days to look after yourself. Have you got a friend, family member or colleague etc to spend some time with? Heartbreak is hard (I’m sure most of us have been there!), but it does get better and when it does get better you may start to realise you deserve so much more. I think all previous posters have said pretty much the same thing! You seem really lovely, and we’re wishing you all the best.