Is it def over or is there a chance?

[Louise123uk]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

OP. Try and arrange some counselling to get to the bottom of why you are so needy. You can’t fix this man. He isn’t right for you. You need to raise the bar of what you require in a relationship and stop taking scraps from unworthy men.

He had kinda warned me things weren’t feeling fun and to stop nagging and I didn’t listen as always in life

You are making excuses and taking the blame for his terrible behaviour. Brain injury or not, this is who he is. You’ve been useful to him up to now, but he’s now making a choice that you are not. A choice. Nothing is making him treat you like this, he is choosing it. Do the same, choose yourself and let him go. To stay with him will erode every part of you until there’s nothing left.

OP, I really would seek out some counselling - your self esteem is extremely low, which is why you are clinging to this clearly unhealthy set up. You deserve better.

OP, I really don’t think you should be with this man, this is not healthy and you will be happier in the long run without him.

That been said… is there any amount of nagging and txt messages from Your partner that would make you stop loving him? Of course there isn’t.
Everyone on this thread has been trying to convinced you since yesterday that his is no good for you, but they can’t change your mind.
People feel how they want to feel.
There is nothing you could have done to stop this from happening. This was his choice and the blame doesn’t lay at your door. True love doesn’t stop when things are not fun 24/7, that’s when it shows up.

Be kind to yourself, and find your self respect. If he really doesn’t love you, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with him knowing it. You should be with someone who loves you no matter what.

Feeling fun. Not as fun. Netflix and laughs and fun.

All sounds very shallow and he wants a ‘good time fun girlfriend’. Well, relationships aren’t always ‘just fun’. As soon as you started calling out his drinking he threw his toys out of the pram, started messaging his fun ex, told you that you were nagging ‘like everyone else’ - I’m sorry, is he 14??

Quite frankly it sounds like he wasn’t ready for a proper grown-up relationship. Whether that’s because of his injury or his general attitude, who can say… What I will say is that you cannot spend your life avoiding difficult conversations or ignoring bad behaviour just in case he blows up.

I think it’s over and it should stay over.

What actually is this relationship giving you? Sounds like you have to do all the forgiving, running, be fun all the time otherwise you’re a nag and no fun. Sod that. He’s not expecting reality and should really stay on his own with a bottle for company.

Maybe start counselling for self esteem purposes.

But OP, if you were nagging him, there is something you don’t like about his behaviour and the fact is, you want to excuse his behaviour and berate yourself for having not liked it.
That’s not being true to yourself.
You are right to feel uncomfortable about the way he is behaving. You can’t excuse it and put it down to his brain injury ….and see it as your responsibility to put up with it. That’s not a healthy equal relationship.

His heavy drinking and his taking up with his ex again surely aren’t factors you should be dismissing so easily. Stand up for yourself more, not less.

He has said it’s over. He’s blocked you. The likelihood he’s cheating on you with his ex or at least wants to.
Even though you know he’s all over the place and impulsive, your response should be to accept his words that it’s over.
Look after yourself OP.

Love isn't just a feeling. It's something you choose, it's in our actions.

Him texting his ex isn't an act of love.

So it doesn't matter if he says he loves you, or even believes that to be true. He isn't loving you by texting his ex. So there's your answer. He doesn't love you.

You need to stop dwelling on him, let him go. He's bad news.

Op you’re 41 and he’s 30 you aren’t young kids. Could you be menopausal? I get you don’t have many friends but you sound needy and maybe nagging him was too much in his eyes. Do you want kids with this man is that why you’re staying with him. You might love him but this relationship isn’t perfect. He drinks way too much and wants his ex girlfriend back. I’m sorry but maybe him saying you were nagging is because he’s gone back to her. Get some rest, give him Space and no contact like he wants and see how you feel in a couple days.

Please stop blaming yourself.

when someone has had a brain injury, life is complicated.

I love my godson, when he was growing up I was like his second mum, one he could come & see/stay with when he needdd/wanted to. His Mum, my very close friend was happy he had a safe & loving person/place.

his girlfriend (like you) is older than him. & great with him. He loves her, but can be a twat at times. He messages people he shouldn't, he is like a small child & doesn't really understand how inappropriate it is.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like him, I don't know how she does it.

I really do think he'll come around, just give him some space & stop blaming yourself for his behaviour,

is there anyone who knows him & understands brain injuries who you can talk to?

people mean well, but if they haven't had experience with brain injuries, their normal relationship advice can be very 'off'

Thank you for taking the time to reply again. Only thing that has happened since last posted that is making it less likely it was all done in anger and not meant is the fact he hadn't blocked my best friend at about 10pm last night but sometime after that and before 7am he had blocked her which must have meant he thought about me and dislikes me enough to want to make sure to block me out entirely so that is a step further than having just blocked me in anger as a knee jerk, it can't be that can it... I really must have driven him away big time

So if you had kept you mouth shut and tolerated his shit you would still be together
Is that what you want from a relationship?

So op take the bits out of this, your happy he texting xgf really,
He can say all the ' i love you' there just words op its he's actions you need to focus on, so he's loves you then blocks you, yep that's love NOT, don't allow his birthday to treat you like this ,its not good enough op,

He is not a great guy, and this was never a healthy relationship. Don’t beg for his crumbs!

Hi OP. I am so sorry you are in the situation. I used to work for a brain injury charity and I would hear it time and time again from the partners that after the injury their whole personality would completely flip. People who were previously lovely would turn aggressive and vice versa. Lots of clients were undastanably devasted that their whole life has been turned upside down and had to give up careers, hobbies overnight. Nobody can truly understand unless they have been through it just how debilatating a brain injury can be.

To the average person in relationships I can't imagine there's ever not been a single time where you may have had a doubt or niggle about your current relationship, or you might have felt nostalgic about an ex partner and want to reconnect. But we obviously tell ourselves to give our head a wobble and move on. The problem with someone with impulse control is that they would then go and act on these behaviors and not think of the consequences. It's not their fault, it's just the nature of having a head injury.

That obviously doesn't help you very much in your situation as of course you love your partner, but unless there is a miracle cure sometime soon to reverse the brain damage you will just find yourself in the same pattern over and over again if you do end up back together. Yes there will be good times but there is always the potential for them to relapse back into reckless behaviors. You just have to decide whether or not this is the life you want going forward. I truly wish you all the best with whatever happens x

Sorry birthday was meant to be BI along with bits sorry,

I know I wasn't understanding enough was I and drove him away, I should not have went on at him and expected and I know better I was just getting emotional and should have reined myself in, He was so justified in getting rid

@Louise123uk

Aww no that's absolutely not what I was saying at all. You are a human being with as just as much right to have and show emotions when you are being treated poorly. It's just a messy situation. Maybe he will gain some clarity and come back to you. I can't answer that. But I'm just saying if he does come back to you. The likelihood of these behaviors reccouring are very likely if you have a disagreement or a blip in the relationship due to his injury giving him poor impulse control. You need to make a decision whether this is the life you want with someone

You are not reading anything here are you OP?
Work on your self esteem and realise that a relationship where you can't express and opinion on shitty behaviour is not one worth your time

I went on a lot though, it was a lot of opinion, he put up with a lot of messages before saying what he did

You are a mother figure. Move on and aim for someone mature

If you know what you did then why did you do it? Why did you keep nagging at him like you say when you knew he didn’t want it. If you know the answer to that then perhaps it will help you work through this.

Because I didn't realise it at the time, I was emotional and upset and everyone was saying how out of order it was and I was being need and insecure, no wonder he didn't want me I now

I think sometimes you only realise what you have done afterwards