Is it def over or is there a chance?

[Louise123uk]

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 and a half years, I’m F/41 he is M/30, we’ve been engaged one. It’s been a great relationship, we are best friends, but not without challenges. He suffered a brain injury before he met me and navigating all the professionals in his life and the fact his parents dislike me as I’m older than him has caused issues but we’ve always said it’s made us stronger. He lives independently but has issues with memory and things like impulsivity. I have supported him with all his needs, put up with abuse from parents and give him extra money abd pay for our activities.

Recently in last few months he has started going out drinking every night he isn’t with me and his occupational therapist has said he is in self destruct and has specialist counsellors trying to help. He really hates being told what to do though and all these ppl in his life but always said I’m his refuge in all that.

I have been told by the professionals tbough that I need to call out his drinking and that we can’t all just keep saying oh it’s his brain injury so I have been nagging quite a bit as asked to do.

On Monday this week his ex of around4 years started send me messages he had sent her saying he thought she was beautiful and missed their times together. She’s been nasty to me before in messages and def was trying to break us up. I was upset and messaged him about it but he refused to speak to me and went to pub and did same thing Tuesday abd yesterday but did tell me he loved me and all was ok.

I kept thinking though shouldn’t he be the one messaging trying to tell me his side abd apologise as that’s what I’d be doing so I kept on bombarding him with messages saying I love him all was ok but I’d like to hear his side and then we move on no matter what was revealed- wrong now I know, too needy and emotional. Anyways fast forward to today abd still no call but he was answering my texts, not giving me much explanation but saying I love you I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was just a bit sick of life and all those professionals in my life but that it’s not you.

Stupidly! I didn’t leave it and said to his last I love you, ok but do you love me as much as ever and he said no probs not as much as ever as you piss me off a lot and went on to explain I see you like them all now as you nag and bring up stuff I’ve done. He then text we are over and goodbye. I tried to protest I was sorry for going on about messages to his ex and that I loved him but he just kept saying goodbye. He then said stop messaging me we are over and blocked me on all socials abs messaging apps.

I am freaking out abd in shock, I mean I was willing to move on all I wanted was a brief explanation but now I hate myself as up until about 2pm today I was getting I love yous still and then I must have pushed him over the edge - I mean I know men don’t like a nag and he has got a lot going on and to put up with and he has lost a jet set lifestyle pre accident 6 years ago, so I hate myself so much as if I had just shut up I would still have a relationship…

Obvs no one knows but do you think there is any chance he didn’t mean it abd might unblock me from what I’ve said? I mean I’ve snapped over text it’s over before recently with how nasty he can be while drinking but I’ve always said sorry seconds later abd never blocked him (yes I know is something you should never say ashamed I ever did).

I just want him back so much, he is my life and we have a great life doing stuff together I thought up to now, I don’t have many friends and thd ones I do have busy lives with husbands and kids… I’ll literally have work and my dog and the odd trip out maybe once every couple of months with a friend fir them to tick the keeping in touch box and I am head over heels in love still

He is getting help for his drinking, I wouldn’t walk away from addiction, I think maybe I’ve not been addressing it in the right way and that’s what pushed him away abd me going on about the ex messages was last straw for him. Should have been more understanding that drinking is a disease in this kind of pattern

Yeah I bet they’d think sleeping with his ex is no big deal either. You are allowed to have standards op, and normal healthy standards include: not liking when your partner often drinks too much , not liking it when your partner is nasty to you, and not liking it when your partner texts his ex to tell her she’s beautiful. Anyone with self esteem would be mad at him, and instead you feel like it’s your fault he ended it because you dared have some standards. Let him go.

Hi there, I read all your messages on this post. I am sorry you found yourself in this situation.

Someone suggested good sleep and someone else suggested counselling. These are good ideas.

As for myself, when I am in trouble, I chant an ancient Buddhist chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo and ask the Mystic Law of the Universe to show me the way. You can find more on pronunciation and meaning on SGI-UK website.

I think they perhaps meant I took it too far since it was only messages and should have just been happy with some texts saying sorry it was silly to do it, especially given his impulsivity which was probs made worse when tipsy

Anyone remember the Sex and the City episode where Berger says "he's just not that into you"? Where one of them is making lots of excuses about why their date hasn't contacted them (with the 'gang' colluding in this deception) until a man/Berger says basically your date isn't interested?

He shouldn't be messaging his ex. He knows his drinking is making you unhappy but he continues still.

Concentrate on you. Look after yourself. How you are feeling right now is a direct consequence of his actions. Are these good feelings and thoughts you are having? No they bloody well aren't. If someone loves you they shouldn't make you feel this way.

Get angry. Get your shit together. Find someone who will treat you as a loving partner should treat you. If you can't, then treat yourself to the best of your ability (and that starts with getting him out of your life).

It's so easy to think of all the nice times you had, even more so if they were just a few days ago perhaps. But they blind you from the shit, which you see more the further you remove yourself from the situation.

If you substitute the negative word nagging and changed it to advising it becomes I was advising him to cut down his drinking as per the advice of professionals. Doesn't sound so bad now does it.

Don't look at the loss of the relationship in terms of your life will be empty as that is never a valid reason for any relationship. I'll stay with him so I see someone on Saturdays. You will find ways to fill your time and you will hopefully find a fulfilling life and relationship in the future.

Good luck OP but know your self worth.

Honestly not trying to stay with him to fill up my life, I am in love with him. Pointing out that life becomes emptier was just another fact of situation

Ok OP, I’ll humour you. The alcoholism is an illness & maybe you shouldn’t have been so hard on him to stop. Although, you should be pushing him to quit unhealthy habits but maybe texting him when he’s already drinking isn’t the best way to get through to him. I can accept that he might have problems with alcohol & coping with his injury. However, texting his ex with a view to get back into her life was a CHOICE. Dumping you & gaslighting you into thinking it’s because you nag too much, is a CHOICE. Blocking you, and weirdly, your friend is a CHOICE. You don’t need to put up with blatant disrespect & disloyalty from a partner because they have their own issues. You’re 40 years old, don’t you want to be in a relationship with someone that is respectful & enjoyable instead of babysitting?

I don’t think this is a healthy relationship op, you need to focus on building a life for yourself outside of a romantic relationship, friends, activities etc, and not focus everything on a partner, that’s too much for any one person unless you’re both mutually dependent and socially isolated.

your behaviour is over the top needy and clingy, and his behaviour is uncaring and reckless, it is not good for either of you and ending it is the right thing to do.

please get some help, to try to rebuild your self esteem, and then try to build a life for yourself, is there anything that interests you in terms of hobbies, be it joining gym classes, a walking group, whatever.

To answer your question: will he come back? Unless he has already found somebody else, then probably yes. Except when he does he will have sufficiently punished you so that next time you don't nag and don't complain etc etc. That's not a healthy dynamic but I don't think you want to hear that. Chances are he will probably return as these abusive men often do.

Fucking hell op you’re 41, work on yourself and get some self respect. PLEASE.

So you have asked for advice, listened to it presumably, and yet still decided it was all your fault for ‘going on’ because you had a near perfect relationship before and if only you hadn’t been so desperately needing reassurance, you wouldn’t be having to face the prospect of life without him.

That’s fine OP, but it doesn’t change the fact that he has ended the perfect relationship and blocked you on everything, which was his right to do.

You want to give and give and then give even more…..even in the face of his potential cheating and drinking. He takes simply because you can’t stop giving. It’s a toxic circle of you denying your own real feelings and him doing what he pleases. Even though he has a brain injury he still has to learn to compromise if he’s in a relationship. Learn not to hurt you, not to drink excessively, if those are your boundaries.
Are those your boundaries OP? Or do you pick and choose boundaries from others in order to keep him, at all costs to your own emotional health.

But anyway, he chose to ignore your boundaries and move on without you.

Stop beating yourself up for having nagged him. He deserved the reprimand as far as most of us here with decent boundaries would believe. But it was over already, before your nagging, otherwise he would have been home with you instead of out drinking …and telling you how beautiful you are instead of telling that to his ex.

Some relationships run their course. Even ones where one of you has a brain injury. They run out of steam and come to an end. That’s what has happened for him. He still has agency. He can still decide these things for himself. He’s an adult not a child. You aren’t his mother or his carer or his jailer or indeed, his professional.

You have to accept his words that it’s over. You don’t know better than him what he wants.
Please don’t demean yourself by going round to his to beg his forgiveness for going on too much when he couldn’t have made it more clear that it’s over. He doesn’t need you to tell him how he feels.
Leave him alone to decide and act for himself. That’s who he is.

If his impulsivity means he can’t help but message other women, you are allowed to say you can’t live with that. You do not have to accept any level of negative behaviour because it might be harder for him than others to control. I think you should be glad it’s over and keep it over.

This ^
If you hadn’t told us differently I’d have assumed you were 2 immature teens.
Also, to accuse you of nagging is very misogynistic .
Leave him to it. You’ve dodged a bullet.

This is what I mean though that I shouldn’t have been nagging him about stopping the drinking 😕 I didn’t see how wrong I was being

You weren't being wrong. If he thinks you trying to (in effect over the long run) save his life and making things better is nagging then that is his problem.

If he stopped you would not have needed to speak to him about it again would you?

If going round in person is it better today as it may just all resolve when see each other in person and it’s more normal as is what we have done up to now going to each others… or is it better to wait a few weeks and have given him more space, but once it has hit a few weeks it would be more legitimate to assume it is 100% over so why am I turning up then..

I have a bit of stuff there like straighteners but anything for the flat I would leave

Op what if you rock up at his house today and his ex is there ? Or some other woman he pulled last night? I left stuff at my ex’s house as it just wasn’t worth it. If you’ve got stuff you really need back is there no one else you can ask to go get it? Or just leave it a bit longer and see if he unblocks you and then ask for it
don’t go to his house today

You need to stop the self pity & actually read the comments people are giving you. You are not the problem here. Nagging about drinking is the excuse he’s giving you to stop speaking to you so you don’t challenge him on the texts to his ex.

You “nagging” is not the issue. The issue is that this boy is emotionally manipulating you & gaslighting you to the point that you look pathetic. I don’t think you understand that your relationship was not as perfect as you think if your boyfriend is happy texting his ex & dumping & blocking you at the drop of a hat. Wake up OP & actually heed the advice people are giving you.

I guess that’s a possibility but surely not so soon… surely the risk increases someone else is there the longer I leave it and it looks more normal if I show up today than why is she showing up here 3 weeks later kind of thing…

For goodness sake OP are you for real? Stop cherry picking the advice you want to hear and ignoring (the huge amount) of good advice posters have been giving you. Of course you should have been making him aware of how his heavy drinking was making you feel. You were advised to raise this. Of course you should raise his unhealthy behaviour/self destruct mode especially if he is supposed to be in training. And you weren't "nagging" - unless you are living in a 1970s misogynistic sitcom.

And no, do not just pop round just so you can see him. He's left/blocked you. Can't you live without your straighteners for a bit? If not, ask a go-between to pick up any bits you need.

Only reason I thought going today is I genuinely do think seeing in person might make things more normal but yes at same time want to give space but say I wait to next week or week after it’s more a legitimate risk he could already have someone else there

Exactly this. I really hope you start listening to everyone’s advice. YOU deserve more.

Why do you need to go round at all @Louise123uk?