Do narcissistic people know they are like this?

[Theydontwantme]

Do they think that they are the same as everyone else? Do they realise that they are always thinking about their needs and how and who to get them from? They appear to meet some people’s needs so they know they should but it’s always because they get something in return. I just don’t understand how they don’t know what they are???? Surely after a while you’ll realise you are selfish.

Yes, and then people will say 'isn't it sad that his/her relatives don't come and visit...' Often there's a very good reason for that.

@NotTheSameTwentyFourHours Oops sorry I didn't see the rest of your post where you distinguish it from personality disorders. Ignore my comment.

OP I'm usually wary of internet gurus but I have heard good things about Dr Ramani's channel on healing from narcissistic abuse (she is a psychologist).

What are the differences in relationships to them? What I don’t get is how she can travel hundreds of miles to help someone else but can’t travel around the corner to us. I don’t even want help. What is she looking for? Is it because when she visits I don’t want to sit and talk about her and she has to listen to us and the kids talk.

The statistics show that narcissism isn’t as rare as people think.

1 in 6 people are narcissists. That’s actually quite a high number. Statistically if you know 6 people, you know a narcissist. If you know 120 people ( which is about average and includes acquaintances) then 12 will be narcissists.

Yes, and it's just like psychopathy in that regard.

The biggest peace my DH has found is stopping trying to understand why his mum has done something or behaving a certain way and simply to go meh she does what she does.

She's very good at playing the victim and it all being around her. To her friends she's a doting grandmother who has had her GC ripped away either by her DD or due to me the "controlling DIL".

Reality is she doesn't even bother with a phone call and her GC have zero interest as she has never bothered once to build a relationship with them. She doesn't send so much as a birthday card.

I still struggle with being painted the villain or as controlling as the truth couldn't be further. My DH tells me he's had years more practice and peace does come!

That is what I struggle with. I bet she tells everyone it’s me because how could it be her when everyone else thinks she’s amazing. I could spend my time visiting her, letting her talk about herself, let her put others down. But I don’t want to. She should want to have a relationship with us also, coming to us, talking about us. I’m not a source of ego to her, we are her family.

I completely understand but your never going to find that unfortunately.

My DH says the best thing was letting go of trying to understand why. He keeps her at arms length and if other family try and get involved (they occasionally do due to the made up sob stories) he's to the point, matter of fact and will say that's untrue but doesn't get suckered into the guilt tripping. He says a phone works 2 ways.

I agree with pp, you'll never have a normal dm by the sounds. Peace comes with understanding why. You tube and spotify podcasts are good places to start finding information.

Because where’s the kudos in travelling 5 minutes?!

“Oh she’s such a support! She came all this way to help out. It must have cost a fortune not to mention the time it took her. We’re so lucky to have her in our lives…” all while she brushes off the compliments with self-deprecating modesty.

Children and grandchildren are vessel to show the world how wonderful she is. Your/their success is entirely down to her. Wiping up snot, sorting out arguments, snuggling up together to watch a film gives her no ego boost. Day to day parenting doesn’t have an audience. Children also make themselves the centre of the world (as they should do!) and no-one has ever successfully competed with a megalomaniacal toddler.

So basically a relationship is not on the cards and never will be? She will always choose fame and applause over spending time with us? Nothing we can do to change this? In the past unless we’ve driven or explicitly invited them there is nothing. Now I’ve got fed up and backed off there is nothing. She hasn’t missed the kids and rocked up, just nothing. But when we went she was all loud and making a fuss, you’d think she liked their company.

I see it as them thinking they are the most perfect person in the world, that they deserve the best of everything. They have no moral compass or conscience that stops them from getting it by any means necessary or capacity to care what it does to anyone else.

I quite like HG Tudor (on YouTube) a diagnosed psychopath with narcissistic personality disorder.

So they think they deserve us only focusing on them and going to them and centring our world around them as they so bloody amazing? They can’t centre there lives around their kids and grandkids?

It’s a performance. Unless someone else can see it happening, it’s pointless.

So, events like weddings and funerals, christenings- she’ll be there in the biggest hat and the best outfit. She needs to be in the photos. Ideally she wants to tell everyone how she advised the organisers on getting everything perfect. Or, if it doesn’t go well, of course she told them but they wouldn’t listen.

This isn’t about you. The only thing you could do, if you wanted, would be to position yourselves appropriately in her world. Somewhere you aren’t in the way, but can be brought out when necessary for showing off and photographs.

To answer your question, look back at your own childhood - did they centre you? They didn't...so the chances of them centering their grandchildren is even less. They aren't going to change.

In their eyes, THEY are the centre of their world. We revolve around them. And to answer your original question, the title of this thread - no, they don't know they are like this. They don't see anything wrong in the way they are. If we do, to them that is OUR problem, not theirs.

I was in that position and I got sick of it. I’m not being used to make her look good when she decides she wants to play family. Sod that I’m not a kitchen appliance.

My ex was self aware AF and often questioned whether he had a NPD. He also projected it onto me. He seems to see the insignificant things and own them. He’s done devastating things though and maintains he was in the right. It’s whatever suits his narrative at the time I think, possibly a bit selective.

Ex friend I’m sure is a narcissist can’t take criticism or a joke. Thinks she’s better than everyone else. Plays everyone off against each other. Lies about everything to big herself up. Tries to sabotage and one up everyone. Her sister in law once confided in her that she had an affair with her husband’s cousin. She told me about it and said “So I had my own fling with him!” He wasn’t someone she was interested in. She just wanted to get one up on her sister in law who she hates. An other friend of hers had a massive row with her and accused her of flirting with her boyfriend. She told me weeks later she had contacted the boyfriend & he was doing “odd jobs” for her. She tried it on with my old boyfriend’s and always got a knock back. She can’t stand anymore being happy or doing well she sabotages it. She’s either a narcissist or an evil bitch.

Absolutely.

The don't care. They don't compare themselves to others unless it's more favourably. They have no interest in anyone because every single second is spent getting whatever they can. My DM was so far gone she couldn't even mimic care in serious situations.

So they don’t want what we have to offer? It’s such a hard thing to understand because being with my kids and my little family is literally the only thing I need.

You are taking it very personally, which I understand.

But it’s like being colourblind or tone deaf. They just don’t know what it is you are looking for. It’s not meaningful to them. Like, being unable to taste or smell. You can describe things, but they can’t understand. They just understand what things look like, and try and mimic that. Masking, if you will.

It’s very hard to understand. There are many people who would vouch for my mum and family. I am just one person who doesn’t so it’s hard to not think it’s me. But there is nothing to vouch for as she doesn’t value time with us at all.

What is under the mask, what does she want?