Do narcissistic people know they are like this?

[Theydontwantme]

Do they think that they are the same as everyone else? Do they realise that they are always thinking about their needs and how and who to get them from? They appear to meet some people’s needs so they know they should but it’s always because they get something in return. I just don’t understand how they don’t know what they are???? Surely after a while you’ll realise you are selfish.

It could be autism rather than a personality disorder then - not everyone with autism is nice; autistic people are as varied as "allistic" people/ neurotypical people and neurodiverse but not autistic people, and of course social differences and social communication difficulties are core features...

Or it could be a personality disorder.

Narcism/ narcissistic personality disorder isn't a diagnosis any more though, so if she doesn't have an old diagnosis she'll never be diagnosed as a narcissist!

Your priority is finding a way to move on - you don't have to make allowances for her as you don't have contact and neither do your siblings!

I can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t/can’t care. Who sees emotions as something that gets in the way. Doesn’t come to your need, doesn’t recognise a need. Even with no need doesn’t come, doesn’t venture out of her little world. Going to see her is like stepping into another world. I have never been able to connect with her, it’s been hard. I thought it was me.

No. They have no idea. Everyone else is a problem. They are a victim. Anyone raising anything as an issue is “playing the victim” and being horrible. They genuinely have no idea that they’re a narcissist - but anyone that suggests they are most definitely is, in their world! They will even rewrite narratives and history in their head and believe it as fact!

No, I'm not like this, my children mean the world to me, I would do anything for them

I would definitely consider autism (with lack of empathy) as that sounds just like my mother. She's just had an autism assessment at the age of 80 . Anyway, her cats get plenty of love and affection, the rest of us zilch

I think you have to grieve that you'll never have a dm in the traditional sense. She won't change. It's very sad really. Mine i am fairly sure has a NPD. Is incapable of emotional connection or providing support.

What I find so strange is that my df married and had dc with someone like that. Clearly devoid of any empathy and incapable of emotional connection. It caused a lifetime of hurt for myself and my siblings. She has no awareness at all, just continues to hurt people with relentless criticism and put downs. She swans around with delusions of grandeur, no conscience at all.

I firmly believe my mother was a narcissist. I know people say it’s an over used term but she was textbook (back in the day) . Of course she would never have been diagnosed as she never saw anything wrong with how she behaved.

She had a total superiority complex, she felt special, more intelligent than others, etc. she fell out with every boss, every friend, ultimately all her children, my dad divorced her. But she would tell everyone how terrible we all were. How tragic that all her children were so selfish they couldn’t be bothered with her, how unfortunate she was to have had awful neighbours at every home she ever had, awful bosses at every job. She would rewrite history. I told her once how awful my childhood was and I do think for a second she looked shocked….but she was only shocked that I could think something so untrue. No recognition or awareness that actually i might be right. She had no empathy, truly didn’t care about others, was just incapable of that sort of thought process.

OP, I agree your parents won’t change. You either try and let it wash over you and realise they can’t help it. Or you go no contact.

Narcism/ narcissistic personality disorder isn't a diagnosis any more though, so if she doesn't have an old diagnosis she'll never be diagnosed as a narcissist!

That is interesting. Did they give these disorders other names?

I have read the term c-ptsd a lot in relation to a lot of disorders.

I’ll be honest I don’t know how people can tell the difference between all the different disorders and who has what, they are all very similar and all appear to affect how those people behave in relationships.

Some do have awareness (from the people I have worked with that have the diagnosis) some enjoy the fact they don’t care other just accept it

dealing with family members who have high narcissistic traits is very difficult because there will be times appear to show they care but it very much relates to them love is conditional for them. It’s not the same as someone who has NPD but emotionally can be very hard to deal with

my mum is like this the less I deal with her the better she doesn’t take care of herself and tries to get me to help her but I won’t always manipulation always a motive she doesn’t like me and I no longer like her but I do care and on some levels she does care about me that’s the difference

It's just personality disorder plus severity plus traits now.

So personality disorder, moderate severity with dissocial traits for example. Or personality disorder, severe with detachment, or personality disorder, mild with borderline traits. Negative affect and anankastia (perfectionism, ridgidity, excessive concern with rules and routine- anankastia used to be the old OCD diagnosis, but is now wider) are the other trait options.

The severity is level of impairment in independent and interpersonal functioning.

It does have parallels to how the autism criteria have changed - there is now only one autism option plus additional diagnoses (for example with or without absence of functional language, with or without intellectual disability).

It's meant to reflect that the "boxes" and diagnoses were somewhat arbitrarily assigned.

At one point in time "difficult" young women were handed out borderline personality disorder diagnoses far too thoughtlessly, and this then followed (follows) them all their life, overshadowing every interaction with healthcare providers and social services etc. I've worked with too many clients with mild learning disabilities who were diagnosed with borderline personality disorders as teenagers back in the '80s and from then on that was used to define and dismiss them - everything was put down to them being "typical boarderliners". Some of them had additional diagnoses like schizophrenia, that should have called the first into question, others were probably actually autistic - others probably had just needed more support in puberty due to their learning disabilities and chaotic home lives - all women.

This reminds me of trump. Sharing photos of his revamped bathroom, building a ballroom, partying at a time when he is withholding food stamps. Absolutely no self awareness whatsoever or just plainly doesn’t care.

Yes. That's why people deciding everyone they don't get on with - or indeed everyone who isn't very nice, or everyone who is charming to strangers and not as nice to their families - is a narcissist is nonsense.

Some people just aren't nice people, that doesn't mean they're mentally ill.

Some people have personality disorders, but usually their relatives are not really in a position to diagnose which type.

Some people are neurodiverse and high masking and have developed maladaptive coping strategies over many decades.

All those people might be struggling, might have been let down by various people or services over the decades, but it's not their children's job to sort them out.

No it’s not our job to sort them out. But i have to sort myself out because having a mum like this causes problems. I became a massive people pleaser as I have been so desperate to just be seen. I’ve realised I don’t need to do this. But i have to find out why I’m like this and that’s because of her.

Thank you for taking the time to explain all this.

I told my children when adults exactly what my mother was. I'd shielded them as children.

I went NC at 50 should have done it decades earlier instead of playing the game. My brother's and their wives did.

This is it, what are they? I don’t know but I do know I’m sick of trying to get them to actually notice. I don’t want my children even having to do a dance for them.

Narcissists know they are different to everyone else. In their eyes they are superior in every way, confident in all their choices and always right.

But that is the actual disorder at play though isn’t it? They don’t know because that would imply they are sane and of understanding. Do sane people believe they are better then everyone.

I don't think they do know. My relative said to me once "you don't understand, people are in awe of me". They're actually quite disliked generally because they disrespect and talk down to people.

I read that narcs don’t have an intrinsic sense of self, who do they think they are?

Yes, absolutely. I know one who often tells me how wonderful people think she is, how amazing, etc. With a straight face, utterly serious. It's weird enough to hear anyone talking like that about themselves, but what makes it even weirder is that I also hear those same people talking about her, and actually their opinion is VERY different.

My own opinion is that narcissists just don't think that other people are real people at all. The rest of the world is just a two-dimensional audience. They are there to make an impression on and act things out with, not to have authentic communication with. They have no true existence of their own except insofar as their lives relate to the narcissist.

That’s a totally weird way to think about things when you think about it. Makes my brain feel weird

Yes. I think it must actually be very lonely for them, as well as awful for the people around them.