Do narcissistic people know they are like this?

[Theydontwantme]

Do they think that they are the same as everyone else? Do they realise that they are always thinking about their needs and how and who to get them from? They appear to meet some people’s needs so they know they should but it’s always because they get something in return. I just don’t understand how they don’t know what they are???? Surely after a while you’ll realise you are selfish.

Adopt one of those other ladies as a gran!!

Problem with narcs is that they can’t do relationships like a normal person so you’re never going to get what you need from them.

In the course of researching the impacts of having a narc as a parent to try and understand my DH, I read a list of issues it can create with children and realised that my DH has picked up narc characteristics too. He’s on the covert narc side which has made it more difficult to untangle. Upshot is, he can’t have normal relationships, I haven’t been happy for years but have done everything I can to make it work but he announced last year that he was unhappy and wanted to divorce. He’d made his mind up without discussing things with me (joys of being unable to have difficult conversations due to your emotionally abusive upbringing!) and that was that. I don’t recognise the person he seems to think I am. The very few conversations we’ve had have all been about what he doesn’t like and what he feels, nothing about how I’ve felt. Any time I show negative emotion or voice my unhappiness it’s met with a bit of narc rage which has made me realise that I’ve spent our marriage not saying things to keep the peace. He’s said he’s still going to pay for everything once he moves out and is insulted when I say I can’t rely on that (ie he said the whole death do us part thing that turned out to be reliable). We just got a new car as it will be cheaper to run once we’ve split up. I got snarky comments because I didn’t seem happy about being given a brand new car (that was more than I wanted but as he may be driving it in the future he wanted a ‘nice’ car to drive. One of our ongoing issues is the fact that my voice doesn’t count/isn’t heard!). My comments that it was just another reminder we were getting divorced at least made him pause.

Anyhoo, you will drive yourself mad trying to get the relationship you need out of a narc. Maybe think about alternatives.

I feel like my mum doesn’t have the ability to really see people. I think she has a basic blueprint of a person but has no idea about who they are really. I feel that’s why she helps people because she is in control of the relationship that way. She doesn’t actually have the empathy to connect she just as people say performs to illicit a desired response. If someone needs a home or needs a lift or a repair is quite obvious. I don’t think she operates at all from a place of empathy. No way an empathetic person wouldn’t want those cuddles from young children, or to see their smile and be there when they achieve.

She can hide and she does it well but it shows to me that she has no real empathy or care for others. She experiences the world only via herself and is completely disconnected from the worlds of others. You are right I will drive myself mad. I got mad having to hear her talk and show pictures of her what they’ve done and who they’ve helped whilst we get 0% of them. I’m not wanting to clap my own parents, I’m not the audience.

I don’t know why as it’s of very little surprise but I’m really quite sad. My little one has been so poorly, even a trip to the hospital where she needed medication. My mum, nothing, no messages, no offers of help. Why did she bother having children? She clearly has no bond and no care. I want to turn down her photo opportunity where she has asked the kids to come to hers and make gingerbread houses. I can’t stand the idea that she gets to play lovely nanny but can’t even be bothered to speak to them when they are sick.

I think it just wouldn't occur to them. I try to think my dm is just wired differently. It isn't about you. It's about them. Sorry your little one has been ill. I know that feeling only too well of having a dm who just isn't emotionally there and offers no support.

Wouldn’t occur to them because they don’t care? Don’t have empathy so don’t feel the need to worry about their grandkids? I’m struggling to understand how a person is like this.

Some just are like this. They don't care how people feel. It's awful to have a dm like this. Do you have much support? I feel lucky my dh and dc understand.

I have a little. It’s just hard to comprehend that we are basically just a burden unless it’s something that she needs. It’s mostly how we’ve always thought, that when we ask for things it’s just a huge issue. She couldn’t even be around when my kids were born, always found somewhere else to be. She always got somewhere else to be for any occasion we need something.

No they are not aware as if they were they would get help or do something about it. My m is like this ( can’t add the d in there ) her needs and what she wants are more important then those of her children , I used to think if I died she would not notice ( don’t think she would she only contacts me to keep me updated about her )

What is making me sad is that she isn’t affected by us backing off. She has others and we mean so little. I thought she’d be sad but she’s as happy as ever.

She won’t notice you backing off mine didn’t ( although it was her telling us she wasn’t going to be in touch for the foreseeable future , after a lifetime of the silent treatment I left her too it to see how long she would go for 2.5 years!). I can forgive her not being interested in me but to drop her only grandchildren is unforgivable they get an occasional card through post ( one between them) with an update on her and a tenner each they ask why so I don’t give them the cards anymore

It’s crazy, any normal person would be eaten alive by it and want answers and to reconcile. You’d think your own children would hold the most value but you can mean as a little as a stranger within an instant. We mean nothing.

I think you need to stop trying to understand , it won’t make any difference, the effect is still the same. You need to put your energy into training yourself to accept that’s what she’s like , grieve the relationship of course but you are driving yourself mad thinking why.

i am like a stuck record with this analogy but if you get bitten by a snake do you a) get away from the snake in case it does it again or b) go back to the snake and ask why it did it and ask if it had a rough childhood.

You are getting stuck in rumination mode, it’s no good. It’s a comfortable place to be well a familiar one but you need to work to get out of it.

I’ve done similar with my mum in terms of backing off and I’m not sure she’s noticed which is wild as I gave her thoughts and feelings and wants so much head space previously. Felt I should, well was trained to, make her happy.

its hard as you do hear loads of people say when they draw back there is love bombing hoovering etc. and as much as that is awful the opposite ie nothing can seem worse sometimes and reinforce feelings of worthlessness.

I’m angry at the moment that everyone thinks that my mum in particular is amazing. She has an iron clad public image. I want to do something about it but I know there is no point so it just leaves me feeling angry.

It’s hard. My mum does some voluntary work and some people think she’s fabulous. I’ve started saying yes she is good at that thing , inference being but fairly shit at being a mother!

I suppose birthing a child is one thing but actually being a mother is another. It requires selflessness forever and they can’t do it. I think my mum birthed 2 tools she could use but I don’t really play the game well. My sibling is much more independent, doesn’t like the idea of needing help so fairs better. I on the other want an actual relationship and I’m not ashamed of needing help sometimes. My sibling is ashamed to ask for help, it’s seen as a weakness, we are all very disconnected as a family.

Sounds like my mother. Since I've gone NC with her two years ago she's managed to turn the family against me. Which is fine. They can now put up with her.