Do narcissistic people know they are like this?

[Theydontwantme]

Do they think that they are the same as everyone else? Do they realise that they are always thinking about their needs and how and who to get them from? They appear to meet some people’s needs so they know they should but it’s always because they get something in return. I just don’t understand how they don’t know what they are???? Surely after a while you’ll realise you are selfish.

It’s a really challenging mental illness because my parent appears totally fine, it us children who are the ones suffering. It doesn’t make sense why they aren’t suffering if they are ill.

Ah! True - most people are probably on their best behaviour in the early year or two of a relationship (which is why it's astonishing that there are sometimes posts on here from women who are already being treated like shit by a "partner" of only six months or so who are considering anything other than leaving!)

Yes. It's not your fault or your job to sort out if it's your parent. Just protect yourself - low contact, "grey rock" and live your life.

Protect myself from what? I don’t even exist anymore since I stopped making the effort. They aren’t doing anything. In a way that has been what has got me to this point. How can someone have so little interest in half their family but has interest for strangers. Thats why I thought something just wasn’t right. They aren’t doing anything malicious we are now invisible.

I’m sick of having to go to them, being interested in them and their life and having nothing in return so I simply stopped and now there is nothing at all.

Are there some stark differences in the ways male and female narcissists present themselves? I only ask because I have an interest in their behaviour. A few years ago I read an article in a magazine, quite by chance, about a woman who had been targeted by a female narcissist in the workplace. Reading that made me realise that I, too, had been a target of a female narcissist in the workplace, but as a young woman I had no idea what or why it was happening to me. I’ve tried to learn about it so I can protect myself in the future.

I think I worked with one lady once. She did an awful lot of charity work outside of work that she sometimes brought in to raise money at work. Always talked about helping her elderly family. One member of staff disagreed with something she said and that was it, she never spoke to or looked at her for years, as if she didn’t exist. They seem to be able to turn off their vision instantly.

I wonder this all the time about my narcissistic mother.

Part of me wants to believe she has no idea that she’s like it because I hate to think her treatment of me has been intentional and with purpose.

But deep down, I think she knows exactly what’s she doing…. But at the same time, I also think she genuinely believes that how she behaves is acceptable because she truly believes she is superior to everyone.

I have to force myself not to go down the rabbit hole of trying to interpret the workings of her mind.

What do you do when you see her happy as Larry with others? As if nothing is wrong and no one has been completely rejected. When you see they simply don’t care.

To realize you are selfish you need to understand selflessness, they can't and therefore have no frame of reference.

Oh - well although dealing with rejection is hard, at least you aren't being subjected to an emotional rollercoaster/ pitted against a sibling/ blamed for things and subjected to demands etc. and trying to keep them happy.

In some ways you've been handed your freedom - you should take it and not be reeled back in.

But that means leaving my whole other family behind as most are stuck in it and it makes me sad. I look in from the outside and I want to be part of it but at the same time I know that it’s all basically about my mum and what she wants and I can’t live like it. I want her to be interested in us but it’s never going to happen. It is sad.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in 7 months as earlier this year m my eyes finally opened to the kind of person she was and how manipulative she was.

I’ve had counselling over the last 7 months to help me come to terms with how things are, and to help me accept the reality of the kind of mother I was raised by and how her behaviour towards me continued throughout my adult life too. It’s been hard to make peace with the fact that I’ve gone no contact with her as it’s not seen as “socially acceptable” but I just couldn’t cope with it anymore.

I don't think they have a conscience at all. My dm is the picture of health in her eighties, but everyone around her is sick, if they haven't died. It's like a poison. But even if you can see it, chances are another relative hasn't and is still running around trying to please them for the few crumbs of affection they throw to keep them onside. I still think it's better to be as far away as possible. At least my dc are protected from it.

Because they are broken. Usually at some point in their childhood they saw how dangerous life can be and built their world around making themselves safe. No one can hurt you if you don’t care. No one can hurt you if you are the main character.
In my mother’s world you are either the dogsbody or the boss. She made sure she was never the dogsbody.

I think this sums it up perfectly.

Inside I know my mum is broken and that’s why I don’t feel any hatred or extreme anger towards her, I just find it all incredibly sad.

However, I had to cut her out of my life because I refused to let her break me.

Her whole life is a performance for other people, she puts on act whilst only those who are closest to her know the real person behind the facade.

I feel very sad about how her life has turned out for her but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to sacrifice my own life and my emotional well-being in order to pander to her delusions.

When you meet a true narcissist it is jaw dropping but my mum would throw me under a bus metaphorically and literally if there was supply in it for her, I can't relate to it and I'm still stunned by how little she really cares for her children but I think she has absolutely no idea how to and has learned how to mask and mimic to the world that she is a loving mother when actually she was neglectful and quite cruel

They think they are better than others not the same. More clever, more deserving of nice things. More of a victim too.

But isnt this most of society. I stay true with good mentality and with helpfulness and love for people, even though most people are narcissists.

So they are mentally unwell because of the way they view the world and themselves? I have to say what is the difference between this and say Autism, they view the world differently but that isn’t a mental illness.

Most people are not narcissists.

The term narcissist is thrown around so easily and is often attributed to anyone who shows selfish traits, but true narcissism is so much more than that. It’s a psychological personality disorder that causes so much hurt to those who are the victims. It’s a set of behaviours that centre around manipulation, game playing, the destruction of self worth, nastiness, intent, lies, abuse and control - with the Narcissist’s purposeful aim being to make their victims blame themselves for the abusive treatment they receive. It’s one big amusing mind game to them.

That level of maliciousness and spite is not how “most of society is.”

Books that have massively helped me OP:

1. You're Not The Problem.
   The impact of narcissism and emotional abuse and how to heal ( by Helen Villiers)

2. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
   How to heal from distant, rejecting or self-involved parents (by Lindsay Gibson)

3. You’re not crazy - it’s your mother.
   Freedom for daughters of narcissistic mothers (by Danu Morrigan).

I highly recommend you read them OP.

I got them off Amazon and they gave me so much clarity.

It’s not because of how they view themselves and the world that makes them mentally unwell, it’s the other way round.

It’s the mental illness of narcissism that causes them to think the way they do and behave the way they do.

In most cases, narcissism is as the result of trauma from their own past.

@Theydontwantme firstly, for the sake of clarity and so I don’t get jumped on-
Autism is not narcissism, Narcissists aren’t autistic. There.

However, I find it helpful to see it similarly in that it is what it is, it doesn’t change, it’s always there, the person hasn’t chosen to be this way or that way.
I suspect some of the coping strategies are similar, both for those with it and those around them.

You need a really strong sense of self to stand firm in the face of someone else telling you who you are, what you should feel, how you should behave and the problem if you’ve been raised by a narcissistic person you probably don’t have one!
You will be much more comfortable when you stop worrying about earning their approval, looking for signs they care, and start just being the person you want to be. Please yourself, like they do.

I’m in my 50s and am more or less reconciled to the situation after decades of disappointment. We have a generally calm relationship now.
DSis still thinks she can win somehow, so there is loads of drama there.

Depends on your definition of love.

Transactional pleasantness based on what the narcissist wants,
or
A balance of caring about both yourself and the other person, with emotional binding between the two of you.

A good test question is: if a flood washed your partner away would you jump in to save them because you value them for themselves, or would you jump in because they are useful? Or would you not jump in?

And the fourth question is: would they jump in for you, and why?

I think that if you look for genuine love from a narcissist and expect them not to be weighing up cost/benefit to themselves all the time, you're pouring love down the drain.

A bit of practicality and heart is needed when deciding who to invest in. Very young people and fools only invest with their hearts. Narcissists invest with only practicality and their own self interest in mind.