Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

[GEW]

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

It's simple really. The minute you expressed concern, he had three choices:

A Cancel
B Invite you along (or at least suggest you join for a coffee afterwards)
C Disregard your feelings and continue with his plans.

He actually went for the fourth option

D Disregard your feelings. Gaslight you. Get agressive and destroy your possessions and 'vibrate with rage'.

And that's why all the 'cool wives' can fuck right off.

My DH can go to lunch with a female friend if he wants. He can even push back a bit if I question it. But he cannot disregard my feelings about it, break my stuff, scream at me and gaslight me about it. THOSE are the red flags. The lunch is just the catalyst.

What line? Having friends?

Let him go. In every manner of the word. Get your financials in order and let him go.

A lot depends. I go for lunch with myaje friend fairly regularly he's just a friend ..

You sound like you are financially comfortable. In your circumstances I would probably hire a private investigator and consult a solicitor regarding safe guarding your position. The violence of his reaction is extraordinary.

Ah,,,,the ever telling drip feed when the post doesnt go the way the OP wants.

I go to lunch, coffee and even drinks after work with guys from work. I was a PA and my old boss often wants to meet up.

I love and trust my DH and my DH feels the same about me, doesnt have a prob at all.

OP you sound jealous and bitter, if you want your DH to "wine and dine" 😂you, tell him.

I think the man "doth protest too much"

Find out which restaurant they are going to and go there for your lunch! Maybe!

No wonder so many relationships end.

Did you read the part where OP has a hobby that she does with another man and it takes up a lot of her time?

People posting about hiring PIs. WTF? Over a LUNCH!

Take it you're single?

I don't think going out with an ex colleague for a birthday lunch is typically a problem but it sounds like he has given you lots of reasons to mistrust him and his behaviour when you confronted him is concerning. Do you still love him OP and do you otherwise have a good relationship? Because I think the choice here is between investigating it and potentially leaving him or closing one eye and continuing as normal as it doesn't sound like he is going to be willing to change or compromise.

I think there is a difference though in going for lunch with a work colleague and then taking your ex PA for a Birthday lunch when you are no longer colleagues!

Oh you sweet summer child.........

There's a lot to unpack in this thread, but there are so many women with trust issues that I feel you're probably getting unfair advice.

All of my friends are male. I wouldn't think twice before going out for coffee/lunch with one of them. And no, I've never had sex with any of them, nor dated any of them, nor have they ever asked me to. If my partner stopped me from going out with a member of the opposite sex, I would have no friends. I have lost a few friends because their partners have stopped them seeing me. I'm not even pretty/slim/whatever men tend to be interested in. I am no threat!

OP: You obviously have your own reasons for not trusting your husband, and that's up to you to work out. If he's given you reason not to trust him then I'd honestly advise you call it a day, because this paranoia is no way to live. If he hasn't given you reason, then I would advise counselling, because it's still no way to live, but you need to work out why you feel this way. Could it be because of the way you've been treated by someone else in the past?

Generally, there are lots of men who are awful, will cheat, and who are untrustworthy. But on the other hand there are many, many more who are genuine, loyal, and really can go out for lunch with a woman without planning to have an affair with her.

Good lord OP you’ve gone way over the top on this. I take my PA out at least twice a year for lunch, my husband still sees his old PA at least once a year. I often have lunch with former colleagues who are men, wouldn’t cross my mind to even mention it half the time.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, particularly if it's a long standing friend. Loads of my friends are male and I wouldn't think twice about going out for lunch with them. And my husband has gone out for lunch with his female friends (candle lit dinner may be a bit different).

However, I would have an issue with

• friendships being secret (he goes cycling with her every week but never mentioned it)
• him telling me how she is slim / attractive etc
• him not reassuring me if I did express some concern
• taking my glasses and throwing them, that's violent and aggressive and a huge over reaction

Perhaps he’s told you to give you an opportunity to leave him??? Easy way out for him?

I mean nobody who is happy in their relationship goes on a date with someone else. If you aren’t invited he’s having an affair or wanting to have an affair with her. The fact he went mad is a big red flag.
wake up and smell the coffee!

Exactly this. There are some very naive, and gullible women on here. Believing that a man/their husband, who is meeting a female friend on a social basis is definitely NOT going to shag her. I mean, they may not shag, but there is a chance, and it's laughable to suggest it won't happen 'because I trust him.'

How strange that the ENORMOUS backstory wasn't mentioned in the original post.

My ex boss meets me for lunch or dinner sometimes. We often get pissed with various other ex colleagues. He is a very happily married man and I am a very happily married woman. He's younger than me. He's one of my besties. Luckily we both have people as partners who think this is a completely normal thing and we're not surreptitiously shagging each other. This thread is beyond belief!

There's nothing 'beyond belief' about the thread. The thread is merely full dozens of different woman who have different experiences and different opinions.

Bully for you if your partner is absolutely fine with you going out with another man alone (and I assume you're OK with him going out alone with another woman?!) Not everyone feels the same though, and some women find it upsetting and unnerving. You - and the other posters on here saying the OP is being unreasonable don't get to tell others how they should be feeling, and that them feeling worried is 'wrong.'

Are you for real?He throws her glasses about broke them.Sleeps over at this woman's place.Won't say where he's been after christmas do.
Are you just trying to wind up the mumsneters?
He sounds controling and not the other way around.

He actually went for the fourth option
D Disregard your feelings. Gaslight you. Get agressive and destroy your possessions and 'vibrate with rage'.
And that's why all the 'cool wives' can fuck right off.

Yeah, but she didn't reveal that at first.