Page 8 | Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

GEW · 2025-10-30T01:59:30+00:00

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

secretrocker · 30/10/2025 11:17

Beeloux · 30/10/2025 11:11

It’s not normal for an older married man to be friends with a young single woman unless sex is involved.

No amounts of persuasion will change my mind.

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Well now you've brought young into it. I didn't say that.
Most of our friends (male and female) are similar age to us (50s).
If he started having lunch with a 25 year old, yes, that would be more concerning.

Beeloux · 30/10/2025 11:19

secretrocker · 30/10/2025 11:17

Well now you've brought young into it. I didn't say that.
Most of our friends (male and female) are similar age to us (50s).
If he started having lunch with a 25 year old, yes, that would be more concerning.

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It was in OP previous post the other woman is a young slim woman.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/10/2025 11:21

GEW · 30/10/2025 09:04

Yes he does

Hello. I'm sorry your husband is doing this to you. I wouldn't like it either.
And he broke your glasses in a temper. That's awful of him.

BTW please can you quote people when you're posting. It makes it easier to follow your thread.

Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 11:28

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 30/10/2025 05:43

When I read your OP @GEW my mind went to immediately thinking how I would feel if my DH told me he was going to do this, and it actually made me feel sick on your behalf!

I don't agree that there can be a reasonable reason for your partner to want to do this. If you haven't got children, then you should be the one who receives his foremost care and attention, and tho one whose feelings matter the most to him, just like your partner's feelings should be the most important thing to you.

I can't advise you on what your next actions should be, you and your partner are the only ones who know what the rest of your relationship together is like. So, all I can, or am willing, to say, is please try to keep calm, when thinking this through for yourself, and then try to judge whether you can trust your own instincts.

If your partner won't change his mind about the lunch date, and doesn't offer for you to go as well, then you need to try and listen to what your own mind is telling you. If what you are thinking scares you, then try to weigh up the pros and cons in your mind, or even better, write your thought processes down on paper, and then consider how you think you will be thinking about today's thoughts and feelings, and/or any decisions you may make in the next few days, in a year's time from now.

So, I can only reiterate for you to please remember that it is both healthy and important for you to take as much time as you need, to be able to trust your own thoughts and decisions. Of course, you also need to remain aware that your partner may have a very different time-table to you, and that he may not have the same level of integrity as you do. I am wishing you so much luck and friendly love, that things turn out for you in the best way, which you so obviously deserve. 🩷💐

It's a lunch. With a friend...

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 11:29

Nestingbirds · 30/10/2025 05:53

Of course it’s not okay, no one would be okay with this - you have made your feelings clear and he should have cancelled the lunch.

If he doesn’t value the relationship enough to respect normal boundaries he should leave. He is putting you in an impossible situation. He is effectively going out on a date. No wonder you are upset.

Edited

I would be ok with it.

Applesonthelawn · 30/10/2025 11:33

It's inappropriate I think. He should at least be worried he'll get into trouble for it given what other people at work will doubtless think. Of course you should be concerned. But don't pretend to go out with someone just to get back at him - keep it honest and straightforward, even if he doesn't. No game playing or things will only get worse.

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 11:34

AquaForce · 30/10/2025 09:06

Exactly my point dear.

All the apologists on here trying to make it sound as though it's no different to fat old Burt's birthday lunch need to give themselves a shake.

It's very very different to fat old Burt. That's the problem. Fat old Burt's lunch feels nothing like this. I know we'll have the,

''I've have male friends that I holiday alone with. We share a bed and nothing's ever happened. My husband fully supports this and even encourages it blah blah'' bullshit stories

but sorry ladies, if you're husband wants to date another woman (however he packages the information) you're in the shit.

OP's husband is going to lunch alone with a woman who is happy to go to lunch alone with another woman's husband. She should be worried.

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If the only way you can keep a relationship is to ensure your partner never goes out with someone of the opposite sex, then it's not worth keeping. No trust - no point.

BIossomtoes · 30/10/2025 11:35

what other people at work will doubtless think.

He’s retired.

runningonberocca · 30/10/2025 11:47

He threw your glasses across the room and broke them. What joy does he bring to your life?
While I have male friends - including ones who take me out to celebrate my birthday- I have never not come home, I have never obstructed my DP from meeting them , and if my DP was uncomfortable with it I would not break his belongings.
Oldest story in the book - he’s having an affair with his younger skinnier ( ex) secretary. And by the sound of things you’ll be a lot happier without him. Start getting legal advice and make plans for a better retirement without him

secretrocker · 30/10/2025 11:49

MagpiesAreBastards · 30/10/2025 11:00

I have gone the other way. In my 20s, I was a lot more naive and trusting. Life has taught me that it is all too easy for these 'innocent' lunches and secret cycle rides to start crossing boundaries from friendship to affair.

I hope for your sake, you never have to learn the hard way.

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I'm not saying that can never happen.
I think it's more likely to happen if you start laying down laws, like he isn't allowed to see another woman alone, or go to a cafe together.
History has taught me everything has been fine so far, but that could always change of course.

MO0N · 30/10/2025 11:51

GEW · 30/10/2025 07:38

He just kept shouting, “Am I not allowed any friends? You want to control me etc etc. He was vibrating with anger. He took my glasses and through them across the room and broke them. I just kept repeating that it was weird, it felt wrong and please could he ask his male friends for their opinion. Would their wives be ok with it. Would his sister or mother be ok with their husbands doing this? He just got angrier and angrier. A long time ago he didn’t return home from the works Christmas do. I was at home with the kids. The Christmas do was a short taxi ride away. I have asked him if he slept with her then. He’s always denied it. I don’t know if he genuinely booked a room and didn’t tell me or if he stayed in hers. He’s never encouraged me to meet her and when I called in at the office he’d get me out of there quickly. It was close by. He’d never let me work there even though it’s what I used to do and I was very good at it. I made him give my friend , the second woman a job as she was brilliant at what she did and her husband kicked her out of his house with 2 small children and a breast cancer diagnosis.

He's up to no good and no mistake, but be careful he's not in control of himself and he sounds violent.

BudgetWurzel · 30/10/2025 11:51

I think men and women can be friends and have a lunch together. I also had a male friend I cycled with. But the secrecy around the cycling, the fact that he never wanted you to meet her when she worked for him and the anger when you were upset at the lunch date reeks of affair. My DP also went ballistic when I told him I was becoming uncomfortable with his intense "friendship" with another woman. And it turned out later there was something going on.

MO0N · 30/10/2025 11:53

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 11:34

If the only way you can keep a relationship is to ensure your partner never goes out with someone of the opposite sex, then it's not worth keeping. No trust - no point.

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What about the fact that this man reacted with absolute uncontrolled fury when his wife wanted to do the same as he was doing?

LuckyMint · 30/10/2025 11:55

I wouldn't trust him either.

PGmicstand · 30/10/2025 11:55

I was originally going to say "It's just lunch" but the more OP has said, the worse the situation sounds, and her 'D'H's behaviour and reaction is not that of someone with nothing to hide.

@Gerrysmum has it spot on.

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 11:56

MO0N · 30/10/2025 11:53

What about the fact that this man reacted with absolute uncontrolled fury when his wife wanted to do the same as he was doing?

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Maybe she does this all the time and it was the final straw. She lied to him to score a petty point.

Horsie · 30/10/2025 12:02

OldBurt · 30/10/2025 09:24

I'm not fat, thank you very much.

🤣

Gerrysmum · 30/10/2025 12:07

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 11:56

Maybe she does this all the time and it was the final straw. She lied to him to score a petty point.

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The OP was wrong to lie but I dont think it was to score a point. I think it was to get her DH to recognise her, her needs and wanting him to put her first by giving him a taste of his own medicine. I hardly think its the worst offence in their relationship either. We all do and say stupid things when we reach the end of our tethers. If you haven't ever told a white lie for a legitimate reason you're a saint and I applaud you. So many holier than thou posts today!

treesandsun · 30/10/2025 12:14

I think both your reactions are extreme. I and my partner have lunch with friends of the opposite sex without the partner being present. I wouldn't even necessarily always think to mention it. if it was an ex that he was still friends with that wouldn't bother me either. is this someone you Suspect he fancies Or do you just not like him having female friends? I think you would be being unreasonable However his response is also unreasonable but it sounds like you were deliberately trying to make him jealous by acting as if it was going to be a date.

cupfinalchaos · 30/10/2025 12:28

If it was an old friend I wouldn’t bat an eyelid but if it’s a recent acquaintance I’d find it strange and disrespectful. It isn’t even about you trusting him, it’s about a line you just don't cross when you’re married. If a man asked to take me for lunch I’d either say great we’d love to come, or no thanks.

something’s very off here.

BoxesBoxesEverywhere · 30/10/2025 12:32

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 07:46

If he got so angry he broke your glasses then for one he is deflecting but for two you have serious other issues if his first port of call is to fling your glasses across the room.

Yeah, this
If he's "vibrating with anger" and breaking your glasses I think him going out for dinner is the least of your worries 😳

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/10/2025 12:35

Gerrysmum · 30/10/2025 09:35

Wow OP I am surprised with some of responses to your thread. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..

Nothing about this or his behaviour would be okay in my marriage. We both have work friends of the opposite sex, we don't take them out 1-1 for birthday lunches. Its a significant boundary for me and a 1-1 birthday lunch is way too intimate for my liking. Also, he has gone out of his way to make sure you never meet this woman, this is suspicious in itself, my husband always introduces me to colleagues and staff. If there was a woman he was actively avoiding me meeting it would be a red flag. The not coming home on a Christmas work night out is also a screaming red flag to me.

I agree with a pp that he is hiding in plain sight, his behaviour towards you and the gas lighting is manipulative and abusive, he is lashing out because he has been rumbled.

If it were me, I would be considering happily waving him off for his date while you spend the alone time getting your ducks in a row to leave, a call with a solicitor might be a good use of the time.

Edited

This 🦆🦆🦆🦆

Hons123 · 30/10/2025 12:46

Surely it is a windup?

Fishplates · 30/10/2025 12:46

My DH goes to lunch with women he works/worked with - but casual lunches, coffee shops etc. I know all these women and are friendly with them too.

my DH doesn’t take these women to nice restaurants for their birthdays 1 on 1.

There is a difference

Differentforgirls · 30/10/2025 12:49

Gerrysmum · 30/10/2025 12:07

The OP was wrong to lie but I dont think it was to score a point. I think it was to get her DH to recognise her, her needs and wanting him to put her first by giving him a taste of his own medicine. I hardly think its the worst offence in their relationship either. We all do and say stupid things when we reach the end of our tethers. If you haven't ever told a white lie for a legitimate reason you're a saint and I applaud you. So many holier than thou posts today!

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It wasn't a legitimate reason. She obviously doesn't trust him and wants to control his friendships. Unhealthy!