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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

295 replies

GEW · 30/10/2025 01:59

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 00:19

UpDownAllAround1 · 30/10/2025 02:24

So you dont trust him

Would you

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 00:22

hattie43 · 30/10/2025 02:52

You sound petty . A tit for tat relationship never works and is just childish

You don’t sound petty at all. You sound hurt. I get that, that’s really jarring and seriously if you haven’t been in a long term relationship then this is the time to get out. You don’t want to be the pick me girl. Find someone who wouldn’t dream of doing that to you. I hope you get out if this whatever it is and find someone who wouldn’t treat you like that

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 00:24

Morningsleepin · 30/10/2025 02:58

You don't trust him. I have been single for forty years and have lovely male friends who are not the slightest bit interested in me sexually nor I in them.

Lucky for you

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 00:31

GEW · 30/10/2025 07:38

He just kept shouting, “Am I not allowed any friends? You want to control me etc etc. He was vibrating with anger. He took my glasses and through them across the room and broke them. I just kept repeating that it was weird, it felt wrong and please could he ask his male friends for their opinion. Would their wives be ok with it. Would his sister or mother be ok with their husbands doing this? He just got angrier and angrier. A long time ago he didn’t return home from the works Christmas do. I was at home with the kids. The Christmas do was a short taxi ride away. I have asked him if he slept with her then. He’s always denied it. I don’t know if he genuinely booked a room and didn’t tell me or if he stayed in hers. He’s never encouraged me to meet her and when I called in at the office he’d get me out of there quickly. It was close by. He’d never let me work there even though it’s what I used to do and I was very good at it. I made him give my friend , the second woman a job as she was brilliant at what she did and her husband kicked her out of his house with 2 small children and a breast cancer diagnosis.

He’s going through man menopause. What’s that whole thing on here when you know they want out. It fits perfectly.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/10/2025 00:57

He's cheating, or thinking of cheating, with her. When you turned the tables, he projected his own intent onto you.

He took my glasses and through them across the room and broke them.

This is abuse. You need your glasses to see. Breaking them leaves you visually-impaired and vulnerable. Leave him. Next time, he might throw you.

Thewookiemustgo · 31/10/2025 09:43

Throwing and breaking your glasses is a pretty violent outburst. Is he normally prone to losing his temper and throwing things like this? It’s an extreme reaction. Most people would reassure an anxious spouse that it’s all ok and above board and/ or invite you along, as she’s your friend too.
Mumsnet always divides into two camps with heterosexual friends of the opposite gender. You’re either being paranoid and controlling about taking a female platonic friend out for lunch, or he’s being inappropriate and hiding unacceptable behaviour in plain sight.
It’s often nigh on impossible for us to tell the difference.
The thing is here, is that the back story around this woman is making you feel that something, somewhere, is not quite right. Your spidey senses are tingling and I’m sad to say that I think I’m yet to come across a post here when anybody’s gut feelings were wrong. Hopefully this one will be the one where everything is actually above board, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
His over the top angry outburst also suggests to me that either he is innocent and carries ongoing, growing resentment about your unjustified objections to his relationship with this woman, because it’s innocent, or he is getting frustrated that you have noticed his little dalliance and started to become a spanner in the works, threatening to spoil his fun.
Men sometimes deal with guilt through anger, they hate knowing they’re in the wrong, can’t handle the uncomfortable feeling and shame and it manifests as having a big go at you to shift the blame.
He’s either angrily protesting his innocence or gaslighting the heck out of you, hoping the angry outburst will make you back off and leave this uncomfortable topic alone.
Either way he owes you an apology for losing control like that, that’s a given.
Throwing your glasses across the room…..if I’m honest, my first thought was that’s quite a metaphor for making sure you can’t see what might be going on right before your eyes.
Follow your gut OP. If you’ve never suspected anything untoward in his behaviour around women before his friendship with this woman, or if taking female friends or colleagues out for their birthday is new, or if he’s had to explain himself in the past about his behaviour around this woman, I think it’s clearly starting to show that something might indeed be going on.
She’s your friend too, why not ask to join them or tell her you feel uncomfortable and gauge her reaction? I don’t know what your friendship with her is like, so hard to know the best course of action.

Purplebunnie · 31/10/2025 13:35

bridezillaincoming · 30/10/2025 22:58

My partner would absolutely not be taking any woman to lunch for their birthday unless it was his mother, sister or daughter! I think it’s so disrespectful!

My boss used to take me for lunch for my birthday, admittedly a burger down the pub, I was his secretary. Other secretaries got flowers, perfume and lunch (and probably better than a burger down the pub). His wife would have been well aware as she wouldn't have packed his lunch for that day

Horses7 · 31/10/2025 19:02

Piknik · 30/10/2025 15:43

Your latest update has thrown me. You seem to be focussed entirely on shallow, surface level connections that broadly centre on your mutual attractiveness and sexual appeal.

His rage is not okay
Him sulking because he can't go on a date with someone else is not okay
Him breaking your stuff is not okay
You threatening to go on a date is not okay

Being "dressed up to the nines' aint gonna fix any of the key issues you seem to have.

Good luck though.

True!

anytipswelcome · 31/10/2025 19:13

He goes off the deep end, gets angrier and angrier, loses his temper and on this occasion took your glasses and threw them?

He’s abusive. What an arsehole.

You don’t seem overly concerned about his temper which is a bit worrying as it sounds very extreme and you sound totally numb to it, which indicates him being angry and aggressive when he doesn’t get his way is something that’s become normalised in your home.

It’s not normal at all.

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:10

Purplebunnie · 31/10/2025 13:35

My boss used to take me for lunch for my birthday, admittedly a burger down the pub, I was his secretary. Other secretaries got flowers, perfume and lunch (and probably better than a burger down the pub). His wife would have been well aware as she wouldn't have packed his lunch for that day

Edited
Show quote history

Some secretaries and bosses in my time became like family with the boss and wife being invited to their wedding. Not every man is a pig. But boy, there’s a lot of them.

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:12

anytipswelcome · 31/10/2025 19:13

He goes off the deep end, gets angrier and angrier, loses his temper and on this occasion took your glasses and threw them?

He’s abusive. What an arsehole.

You don’t seem overly concerned about his temper which is a bit worrying as it sounds very extreme and you sound totally numb to it, which indicates him being angry and aggressive when he doesn’t get his way is something that’s become normalised in your home.

It’s not normal at all.

Yeah, listen to anytipwelcome. She’s absolutely right. I agree with her. Save yourself.

Windywalks · 31/10/2025 23:15

Go ahead with your plan
he will learn his lesson
he is going on a date with a woman
im sorry for you

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:25

GEW · 30/10/2025 07:16

She used to be the office PA before he sold the business. We are both at home all day now being in the fortunate position to take early retirement. The last child has gone to university. He will actually be leaving me at home to take this woman out to celebrate her birthday which was a few days ago. I asked if she is married and he deflected. I will be sat at home whilst he wines and dines another woman. Recently I found out he goes cycling with her. I actually thought he was going in his own since his male cycling buddies have given up. He had let another female name slip. I know this second woman, I used to work with her and I trust her. I thought if they were all in a group it was ok. It’s the one to one that’s worrying. Also I’ve never been invited on these girly cycles which I find weird. I do have my own sport which takes up a great deal of time. A row most mornings with a male rowing partner. So I have cut him some slack as I know what it’s like to train with someone of the opposite sex. However we are training for an actual event and i wouldn’t dream of phoning my rowing partner up and asking him to go lunch alone with me. That would weird and raise a number of eyebrows. I don’t know the woman he’s going for lunch with. I’ve never spent time with her and I wouldn’t recognise her.

Your marriage is over. It’s hard to accept but it is.

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:26

GhostOfChristmasPudding · 30/10/2025 07:31

I think (especially with OP's update), I would also be suspicious. First of all, I love how many people here just glazed over the fact he was taking this woman out for her birthday, and OP also wasn't invited? If this woman is so lonely and devoid of anyone else who can take her out for her birthday, why not invite OP along, maybe they could become friends?

Secondly, they have their cycling group which OP is not a part of. And thirdly, he 'went ballistic' when she suggested going on a date with another man (although I agree with others that sounds incredibly childish, and shows there are already other issues), which is likely projection - if someone isn't cheating, they don't get mad, they laugh at the idea. They do their best to reassure you properly, to repair whatever rift there is.

They don't get mad at you, then go ahead and do the lunch anyway. OP, just ask him why you couldn't come? "So and so sounds lovely, but I've never met her - I'd like to." If he still finds reasons for you not to meet, you'll have your answer.

And behind her back. I’ve just gone the same crap

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:37

Figgygal · 30/10/2025 08:17

Or just ones with healthy relationships

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I don’t think that the problem here. Maybe reread the thread

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:39

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:26

And behind her back. I’ve just gone the same crap

Show quote history

Through the same crap

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:43

SpanThatWorld · 30/10/2025 18:25

What a nasty little comment. So much snark.

We've been married for 27 years. And we have always trusted one another. Because we are adults.

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Me too. Lol

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:48

SandyDunesCoffeeShack · 30/10/2025 16:29

Waiting for the signs of how genuine this saga is

I’m going to sort of agree with you on most of these post but I’ve been on this website for about 8 or 10 years. It could be less but that’s what I remember and I’d actually say this one of the realists one that I’ve read. The fact that she doesn’t want to get it makes it more real for me somehow. I’ve just gone through similar. A lot the same crap and stupid me just pushing it off like that could never happen to me. Well, it did, big time.

Purplebunnie · 01/11/2025 10:38

Gilgogirl · 31/10/2025 23:10

Some secretaries and bosses in my time became like family with the boss and wife being invited to their wedding. Not every man is a pig. But boy, there’s a lot of them.

Show quote history

I have known that as well. I knew his wife, his kids as did all of our team.

And yes there are a lot of nasty men out there

NormasArse · 27/03/2026 11:51

Petty.

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