Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

[GEW]

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

Wow your life sounds depressing op - il be left at home all day while he has lunch?

do you not have a life outside your home ? Can you not go out and do anything yourself?

fair enough if you don’t trust him that’s a different issue

but you need to get a life op

I can’t imagine ever giving a shit that my husband wasn’t around for the day I can think of a million things to do without him / by myself / with friends

Your updates pount to an affair.
His violent outburst points to an affair and emotional abuse.
You need to divorce him.

100% this. ^

@GEW Ignore the posters saying you are being jealous and petty, and YABU. You are NOT. Your husband is an absolute arse. No WAY should he be wining and dining this woman, without you there, and with you being so upset about it. It's weird. As pps have said, it's NOT the same as going for a drink with a man.

If my DH wanted to see/go out for a meal with an old female colleague, he would take me. I would never ask/have never asked to go with him, but on the few occasions he has met up for a coffee with a woman/old female friend or colleague, he asks me along too. Maybe so she doesn't get the wrong idea, or maybe so I don't get worried or upset.

If he had ever wanted to go alone, and I had said 'please don't go' he would not go. Because he cares about me and loves me.

Your husband sounds unkind and spiteful and abusive. I'm so sorry. Start getting your ducks in a row. He is not your person. You need to leave this marriage.

Does OP’s DH take you out for a birthday lunch, provide a shoulder to lean on when you’re having a tough time, and did you two share a hotel room after the Christmas party?

OMG could you imagine 😂😂😂

I would not be happy with this. Could you ask to go along as well and see how he reacts. If it is innocent then he would agree with you being there.

It's unfortunate that you didn't include your later updates in your original post OP. If you had, I think you'd have had some very different responses to your question. You're obviously feeling very upset, battered and bruised, and understandably so. Please try not to respond irrationally, though it's difficult, I know. Start digging financially now so that you know where you are.

For what it's worth, the Zanzara Sniffometer is ranking him smellier than a whole heap of very smelly things indeed. I'm so sorry OP. Stick around here for support as it unfolds, there are a lot of wise women in these parts who've been through it all. 💕🌹

That's kind of weird.
DH may invite me along if it was a mutual friend, but probably not if they're his friend only.
That goes whether male or female.

Yeah. I’m sorry OP, but it’s an affair. Been there, got the lying, cheating ex-husband. His anger in response is WAY off the charts. Even if he wasn’t cheating, your ‘relationship’ sounds shite. You’ve plenty of life left, so don’t waste any more of it on this specimen. The kids are grown, you have your hobbies - get out of the marriage now, while you can.

Wouldn't be impressed with this at all tbh

To my mind there's a big difference between "meeting someone for lunch" and "taking someone out for lunch"....

How often do the two of you go out for nice lunches together? If it's often, then it's not such a big deal if he goes out for lunch with someone else. But if it's a rare occurrence, then it becomes more hurtful.

I suspect he's been cheating on you for years, and now that you've finally 'made a date' identical to his, he's kicked off as cheaters do. It's okay for them to cheat, but not okay for you. Hence the violence - throwing and breaking your glasses - and the shouting.

Your relationship sounds terrible - both his behaviour and yours - and you have no trust.

I'm concerned about his aggression as much as anything. Stay safe ...

As for the lunch, if I had lunch plans with a friend and DH was at home, I'd invite and vice versa. Unless a friend wanted to talk about something specific, problems at home or whatever, in which case I'd just tell him that. I mean, we wouldn't necessarily go, we might just prefer to chill at home or whatever, but we'd definitely be invited.

My partner is free to have lunch with female friends, he doesn’t really except work friends on a work day but if it went to non work days I wouldn’t object. I have always had a few males friends and it’s not been an issue - most of my guy friends I have known for years but I have also made a few since we started going out (18 years ago). However, if I was meeting a guy friend and he was free I would usually ask him along, I’ve introduced him to most my guy friends and he has even gone away on trips with them I wasn’t interested in or available for. We generally like the same type of people and trust each other.

The thing that would worry me is that he is not inviting you, he is secretive and that he had such a violent reaction. If my partner behaved like that I would follow him to the lunch, sit down and introduce myself and just see what the reaction is. I would also likely leave him over the violent reaction unless there was serious grovelling, apologies and replacement glasses produced pronto! The violent outburst is like a kid being caught doing something they shouldn’t.

You both sound awful, and clearly not in a happy, trusting relationship.

Hell would freeze over before I would accept this.

Call me what you will but I don’t agree with married people having friendships with the opposite sex UNLESS they are meeting up as a couple (or the friend is gay). I’ve came across so many of these ‘friendships’ and in every case it’s ended up they’ve been screwing each other.

I’m in my twenties and I wouldn’t dream of accepting a dinner invitation off a married man.

He sounds like a nasty bastard OP. You do not need to play the carefree wife and put up with this nonsense.

From the outside it sounds petty but it depends how your relationship is. He was V unreasonable to throw your glasses.

I thought the same in my 20s.
25+ year's later after 25 years of marriage I'm more relaxed about these things.
People aren't shagging all the time.

Always amusing to see the ‘cool girl’ insult chucked around when anyone admits to not having these issues.

Same. We celebrated our silver wedding this year and it would never occur to that my bloke’s intentions towards another woman would be anything but innocent. If you don’t trust your husband the marriage has gone.

Well the OPs update is quite the drip feed because clearly her DH is an aggressive, abusive arsehole who has cheated before.

I maintain that I have no issue whatsoever with my DH seeing his female friends without me. If he was going out for lunch with one of them for her birthday, I certainly wouldn't expect to be invited...

I have gone the other way. In my 20s, I was a lot more naive and trusting. Life has taught me that it is all too easy for these 'innocent' lunches and secret cycle rides to start crossing boundaries from friendship to affair.

I hope for your sake, you never have to learn the hard way.

I have 2 male friends who I separately go to lunch or dinner with about 3 times a year. If my husband tried to stop me I would find it jealous and controlling and probably would be angry too. It’s my choice who I’m friends with, nobody else gets to dictate that. I wouldn’t throw my glasses across the room, but my level of anger would depend on how much my DH had provoked me. Your tit for tat behaviour was really childish.

It’s not good that your husband didn’t tell you the truth about the cycling but I should imagine he didn’t because he knew what your reaction would be.

It’s not normal for an older married man to be friends with a young single woman unless sex is involved.

No amounts of persuasion will change my mind.