Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

[GEW]

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

IT IS NOT A DATE.

He may be saying it’s not a date
but what are his intentions??

some seriously naive views here - I think the
OP deserves better tbh

His reaction is telling. People who react this intensely are often the ones that have something to hide.

I wouldn’t mind my SO having lunch with a female friend. He always asks me to join but I have occasionally declined. No issue at all imo.

But my SO doesn’t mind me having male friends either. And he definitely doesn’t descend into a jealous rage when I simply do what he was intending on doing.

your DH sounds controlling, has a temper, is violent and uncaring. Leave him, you deserve better.

Yes, of course I'm ok with him having female pals and going out with them. If anyone is "worried" that their partner has a female friend or vice versa, then their relationship exists simply because they limit each other rather than enhancing each others lives. And tbh, to be worried that your partner has a social life outwith your relationship is extremely unhealthy. You're right. I don't "get to tell others how they should be feeling". All I can do is post what I think is a healthy relationship and what, in my opnion, isn't. After 43 years of trusting each other and introducing each other to our friends of the opposite sex, I can honestly say that there is no other person I want to be with other than my husband and he is the same with me. TRUST.

He actually, according to the OP, "through" her glasses. So who knows what that means.

I’m go off an a very big adventure. He’s been supportive so far. He’s actively encouraged it and bragging to all his mates about it. Our sex life is fantastic. He just has a temper when he doesn’t get his own way and for some reason wants to keep his friends separate from me including a lady which he inappropriately decided to spend some one on one time with.

He cancelled. I took him out for brunch dressed up to the nines. He’s walking around looking hang dog because it’s so unfair. I’ve admitted I was wrong threatening to go on a date if he was going to and meet his lady friend. I needed him to see it from my point of view. He goes and meets a woman then i go and meet a man. His choice. Sauce for the goose etc. We can’t have a difference of opinion because he goes off the deep end every time. He just doesn’t get that a one on one is a no, but a group is a different thing. He just doesn’t want me to come along to meet her. He won’t say why. Saying that she is coming to a fundraiser I’m doing in a couple of weeks as a solo. That’ll be interesting. I won’t know her until I’m introduced. We do have a common friend the second woman who I will have a chat to when she arrives back in this country. I’ll see if I can get her to pass on the message that I find one on one time to celebrate her birthday with my husband is inappropriate. I’m a good looking fit and healthy woman. I get plenty of male attention but I don’t put myself in an inappropriate position.

In saying the thing about "through" though, I think I'm posting to a person who want get it considering the bin fire of your own spelling and grammar.

Well I would not have an issue with it as I trust my husband and I don't think he would have an issue if I went out for lunch with a male colleague or friend. I think there must be underlying trust issues in your relationship if you don't want him to go out with her and playing games like pretending to go out with some non existent man sounds a bit childish. He was open about it so I would not think he planned anything untoward especially if it is a work connection. I get that some would not like it but I personally do not think that makes for a healthy relationship. I read somewhere that people should have all sorts of connections with different people for a balanced life so not just spouse, parents, children but friends too of both sexes. If you are very insecure then you should explore why that is. I don't think people should invalidate your feelings but if your husband is unhappy with you controlling who he goes out to lunch with that can only end badly.

The irony. 😂

What makes it a date? Is it always a date if you go for lunch with someone? Is it a date if you go somewhere with someone of the opposite sex? Or if her husband was meeting a gay man? Good grief, I'm bisexual so I should probably be locked in a tower whenever I'm not with my DH, lest I accidentally find myself on a date 🙄🙄

OP, context is key here. My DH and I have each been for lunch many, many times with one other person, sometimes of the opposite sex, and it's been nothing at all unusual. However, the fact that he went 'ballistic' makes it sound like he's either unusually defensive or quite controlling, which would concern me. Similarly, has this women just appeared from nowhere, or is she a longstanding friend? Is his wider behaviour giving you any cause for concern. I don't see any issue here solely with the fact that he's going out with another woman, but depending on the broader context maybe there is cause for concern.

So what’s your very big adventure? Dragging him out for lunch with you after forcing him to cancel? With you all dressed up doing a desperate pick me dance…
Does he regularly have fits of anger and break your possessions?
Why did he lie about his cycling companions?
Where was he the night of the Christmas party when he didn’t come home?
It really shouldn’t matter to you whether other men find you attractive. You’re married. This relationship sounds like it’s dead in the water and you have descended into some kind of point scoring game

It’s nothing to do with being cool and everything about the kind of marriage op has. I go out for lunch with male colleagues, two who I used to work with. Difference is I don’t get taken out for lunch or take them for lunch I meet them for lunch and we split the bill. The kind of man who says they are “taking” a woman for lunch is the issue. You go for lunch, it’s implying ownership somehow.

Obviously it would be OK if her husband was going out with a gay man because neither of them are going to fancy each other! 🙄

And yes, what the OP's husband is doing with this woman IS a date. How ludicrously naive for you to suggest it's not.

And if you are bisexual, then no I would not want you alone with my husband on a date meal out together.... Not that hard to figure out!

.

Perhaps you should read the OP's updates?

And yes this is not a long standing friend, and it is not a mutual friend of OP and her H . Op has never met her.
It is a woman he used to work with who he is buying a birthday lunch for. It is a woman he has been meeting regularly but keeping the fact he has secret from OP. It is a date.
And OP.had every right to be uncomfortable with the fact he is taking another woman on a date.

I think you deserve better if you are so mistrusting of partners.

The fact that you never do anything that’s a not of an adventure or anything on your own until you’re trying to make husband jealous is a bit sad op.

i go on Adventures all the time for no reason jus for fun

@Screamingabdabz · Today 07:58

You’re such cool girls.

OP’s husband is clearly as innocent as a lamb spending all that time with another woman, talking her out for lunch, probably shagging her at the Christmas party and getting inappropriately aggressive when his wife questions it. Yep no red flags to see there at all.

Yep, this! I am gobsmacked at the devil may care attitude of some women on here, assuming their husband would never EVER get romantic or intimate with a female 'friend' if they go out for a meal together/meet up alone. He will never ever play away/dip his wick anywhere else, because they TRUST HIM.

SO much naivety. It's actually funny. Such sweet summer children ... 😂

I know. Tried to edit but was too late. One word though...

I have no idea what this post is about???

You both seem as bad as each other (excepting him throwing your glasses).

Your relationship seems to be based on threats, demands, and tit-for-tat. It's not healthy.

Oh, I'm so flattered that you'd feel the need to keep your husband safely away from me 😆🙄Do you have a leash that he's kept on? Has it occurred to you that not every woman is gagging for a snippet of your husband's attention? It's incredibly weird that you feel the need to keep him away from a woman just in case she might lure your poor, unsuspecting DH away from the delight that is you.

Also, perhaps no one has explained to you that a gay man isn't immune from "fancying" a straight man of you think they couldn't possibly be attracted to one another.

You're right, I should have read all the OP's updates but I got bored of all the pearl clutching over two people of the opposite sex going for lunch, long before there was any hint of a backstory.

You've won a very hollow and short term victory. By threatening him, you've managed to force him out with you under sufferance, rather than with the woman he really wants to be out with. And it really makes no odds how dressed up you were. He's your husband, he already knows how you can scrub up, but he wanted to go to lunch with the other one regardless. And this is your problem, his intent and wishes, not the behaviour you've managed to control.
Similarly your plan to mark your territory with the OW. If this does scare her off, is it enough to know the only reason your H isn't doing things with her is because you've told her to refuse him?
I think you'd be far better talking to your H sensibly and clearly about why you see this friendship as a threat to your marriage, and ask him to think carefully about whether it means enough to him to take the risk. Because the decision not to see her, if its worth anything, must be one he makes for himself because on reflection his marriage matters more. Forcing him through threats will only secure his compliance on the surface, while he continues to see her behind your back.
As an aside, he doesn't sound that great anyway, throwing your glasses in temper is appalling behaviour. Are you sure she wouldn't be welcome to him?

The aspects of this on which you choose to focus (her slenderness, you being dressed up to the nines, your own relative attractiveness, male attention) and the - far more important, imo - aspects you choose to ignore (his violent rage, not coming home, keeping you away from his friends) are really baffling me.

This man broke your glasses in rage, but you think the issue is men and women having lunch together? Is there some sort of cultural disconnect, here? Are you from a culture with strictly gendered friendships and demarcations (which also turns a blind eye to male violence)?

I trust my husband when he goes out to meet a female ex colleague for coffee and likewise he trusts me when I meet up with a male ex colleague. Shock horror we both have friends of the opposite sex. Not every relationship inhabits the Mumsnet soap opera. You obviously don’t trust your husband and you need to work on that issue through counselling because, if it was the other way around, and my husband tried to stop me having a coffee with a friend and then resorted to childish manipulation then the relationship would be over pretty sharpish.

This is just one big toxic relationship on both sides.