Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

[GEW]

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

So you dont trust him

Surely if it's good enough for him it's good enough for you?

How does he know her? How long has he known her and how did you find out? A casual lunch between platonic friends on paper sounds okay but it sounds like you have reason to be suspicious of this. I wouldn't bother pretending you are also going out, in fact it sounds like this hasn't made any difference and he's not budging. Not sure of advice really. You've made it clear and it sounds like he's going anyway.

You sound petty . A tit for tat relationship never works and is just childish

Go and have lunch wherever he’s going! I’m sure she’d love to meet you.

You don't trust him. I have been single for forty years and have lovely male friends who are not the slightest bit interested in me sexually nor I in them.

How does he know this woman? If they're longstanding friends and know each other in a way that you're not involved in (e.g. both part of a hobby) then this is fine. You announcing that you're going to find a random man to have lunch with would likely provoke a reaction then as it's ridiculous overkill. Alternatively, he might be flirting with a single woman and not want you cramping his style and you're very right to be suspicious. We need more information

" He went ballisric" ? Massive red flag...what a twat.
So it's ok for him...not for you? Ltb.

This is weird and I wouldn’t like it at all. It would be different if she was an old friend from way before but this sounds like he’s met her fairly recently. Why is it up to him to entertain her on her birthday? And if I were her, I would rather spend my birthday alone than with some married bloke whose wife didn’t know about my existence til now.

I’ve got male friends I met pre Mr Beekman, from primary school onwards, who I still meet up with on occasion if we’re in the same place at the same time. All of them have met Mr B.
I haven’t met a proper male friend (other than people we see as a couple) since getting serious with my husband and he is the same.

I've no idea.

Will it be at work, lunchtime? Is she a colleague? If so, that isn't at all unusual. Men and women who work together on an equal basis often have lunch. I did, my late husband did, it was no problem.

i would think if there was anything going on, he wouldn't have told you.

You know him and his work situation, we don't.

How do they know each other? How long have they known each other?

It sounds like you have reason not to trust him. Your reaction saying that you’re going out ti lunch with a man is immature (what would you have done if he didn’t care or was happy for you?) but his anger is weirder.

He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me.
OP what would you expect him to do? He wouldn't have told you his plans if it was something sinister he was trying to hide from you, which you made it out to be, which is why he got upset because you exhibited nothing but jealousy since you said you were "upset all day" about it. Men don't think taking a female out to lunch for their birthday is nefarious, and you admit from your post that he didn't bother asking about who you were to potentially have lunch with. Only telling him that you thought it was odd. Have your own lunch outing, enjoy yourself, and let him have his on his own. I doubt he'll ever mention anymore outside interactions again - male or female, for fear you'll have him on an inquest every time.

Obviously we don't know enough about how he knows her to judge if he is being unreasonable to take her to lunch. But I think the fact that he's openly telling you everything is a fairly good sign. You are being, on the face of it, over dramatic and petty by pestering him about it all day and faking a date with another man to try and make him jealous.

Quite a bit missing here. How does he know her? Work colleagues? Friends? If either of those two, no it’s not weird at all. Why are you say at home? Do you not work? Why can’t he go out with friends/work colleagues (if she is either).

A bit more detail wouldn't go amiss but having read lots of threads like this it's often a case of hiding in plain sight.
He may have told op to cover his tracks if spotted.
If it's a work colleague don't be surprised if she's younger.

Why.on earth is a man and a woman having lunch together weird?! Do you only ever eat with people you are in a sexual relationship with?!

Is this about context maybe? My dp would do the same, take a friend out for lunch, esp someone he works with. I might have a teeny tiny pang of jealousy but mostly would like that he’s a nice man and enjoys treating people. I also like him having friends, esp as he’s a lot more naturally sociable than me. I guess the baseline is that I trust him? And I’ve been cheated on in the past so trust is earned for me not a given.

i mean all that to say, it sounds like trust is an issue, there’s a reason you’re upset by this, and clearly he’s done something to impact your trust, perhaps even just subtley. I’d talk to him about that rather than the direct problem of this woman.

i like what @Morningsleepin said. I have similar male pals that are actually my core friendships. There is 0 attraction. Not that I’m saying your dp is innocent, but that context is really important here, something is making this a problem other than her sex.

There is a lot missing here.

who is she? Why can’t you go with them?

Why are you pretending to have male friends, why don’t you actually have a male friend to go to lunch to?
Why is he allowed and you are not? Why are you picking out your clothes the night before? Do you work? Why are you ‘sat at home’ ?

What is a tracker mortgage?

When I read your OP @GEW my mind went to immediately thinking how I would feel if my DH told me he was going to do this, and it actually made me feel sick on your behalf!

I don't agree that there can be a reasonable reason for your partner to want to do this. If you haven't got children, then you should be the one who receives his foremost care and attention, and tho one whose feelings matter the most to him, just like your partner's feelings should be the most important thing to you.

I can't advise you on what your next actions should be, you and your partner are the only ones who know what the rest of your relationship together is like. So, all I can, or am willing, to say, is please try to keep calm, when thinking this through for yourself, and then try to judge whether you can trust your own instincts.

If your partner won't change his mind about the lunch date, and doesn't offer for you to go as well, then you need to try and listen to what your own mind is telling you. If what you are thinking scares you, then try to weigh up the pros and cons in your mind, or even better, write your thought processes down on paper, and then consider how you think you will be thinking about today's thoughts and feelings, and/or any decisions you may make in the next few days, in a year's time from now.

So, I can only reiterate for you to please remember that it is both healthy and important for you to take as much time as you need, to be able to trust your own thoughts and decisions. Of course, you also need to remain aware that your partner may have a very different time-table to you, and that he may not have the same level of integrity as you do. I am wishing you so much luck and friendly love, that things turn out for you in the best way, which you so obviously deserve. 🩷💐

Of course it’s not okay, no one would be okay with this - you have made your feelings clear and he should have cancelled the lunch.

If he doesn’t value the relationship enough to respect normal boundaries he should leave. He is putting you in an impossible situation. He is effectively going out on a date. No wonder you are upset.

He is a married man going on a date with another woman.

Of course you are right to be not OK with this.

If you don't know her I'm assuming it is not a long standing friend.

The fact he would rather upset his life partner when you voiced your concerns shows that he does not respect you or your relationship.
A pp said that the fact he told you about this date means it must be innocent but that is not the case: hiding in plain sight is very much a thing.

I think you were wrong to intentionally antagonise him by creating this 'fake lunch' scenario.

He got mad at you because you were acting petty and jealous, not because you were going out with another man (which he probably knew you weren't because where would you have magicked up a man to have lunch with so quickly).

More context is needed for the lunch, but he is being honest with you which suggests he has nothing to hide. I can understand being upset, but I think your reaction is a bit extreme, unless he has form for cheating / there are other reasons you don't trust him.

Nowhere near enough information to make a judgement call.

Did you use chat gpt?