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Original poster

Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

295 replies

GEW · 30/10/2025 01:59

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
GEW · 30/10/2025 07:16

She used to be the office PA before he sold the business. We are both at home all day now being in the fortunate position to take early retirement. The last child has gone to university. He will actually be leaving me at home to take this woman out to celebrate her birthday which was a few days ago. I asked if she is married and he deflected. I will be sat at home whilst he wines and dines another woman. Recently I found out he goes cycling with her. I actually thought he was going in his own since his male cycling buddies have given up. He had let another female name slip. I know this second woman, I used to work with her and I trust her. I thought if they were all in a group it was ok. It’s the one to one that’s worrying. Also I’ve never been invited on these girly cycles which I find weird. I do have my own sport which takes up a great deal of time. A row most mornings with a male rowing partner. So I have cut him some slack as I know what it’s like to train with someone of the opposite sex. However we are training for an actual event and i wouldn’t dream of phoning my rowing partner up and asking him to go lunch alone with me. That would weird and raise a number of eyebrows. I don’t know the woman he’s going for lunch with. I’ve never spent time with her and I wouldn’t recognise her.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 30/10/2025 07:17

How do they know each other?

I’d be suspicious as well.

If it’s a work colleague, and it’s just a lunchtime meal rather than a sandwich, that wouldn’t be so
be so bad, as a dedicated lunch at the weekend. Why don’t you invite yourself along, to join the celebrations?

MummyNeedsCoffee1 · 30/10/2025 07:18

Context is important here. He’s asking a woman he met last month in the gym out for lunch - not ok. He’s taking an old friend out for lunch for her birthday - no problem I’d say.

Climbingrosexx · 30/10/2025 07:18

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 06:05

He is a married man going on a date with another woman.

Of course you are right to be not OK with this.

If you don't know her I'm assuming it is not a long standing friend.

The fact he would rather upset his life partner when you voiced your concerns shows that he does not respect you or your relationship.
A pp said that the fact he told you about this date means it must be innocent but that is not the case: hiding in plain sight is very much a thing.

Edited

100% agree with the hiding in plain sight comment. I knew where my ex was going and who he was with, a year later he was engaged to the woman he was so innocently meeting up with.

Barso · 30/10/2025 07:18

My ex started like this- I was constantly gaslit but my gut feeling was spot on. I think there probably very little you can do at this stage.

rwalker · 30/10/2025 07:18

There not enough information to give any useful answer

the big chunk of detail missing is how does he know her
a life long friend or a random met on line

Silverbirchleaf · 30/10/2025 07:18

The lying is suspicious as well.

LeafyMcLeafFace · 30/10/2025 07:20

Tontostitis · 30/10/2025 06:37

My husband has days out on his own with female friends but they are my friends too and I'm always invited. I generally decline as a day alone in my sewing room is preferable. That's not the same as a lunch date alone with a single woman leaving the upset OP on her own and you are a gaslighting ninny.

Show quote history

You have a sewing room and you use the word ninny? This is meant with affection for a woman I’ve never met but your life is a million miles away from mine. I imagine you living your life in permanent summer, in soft focus. It just makes me smile.

I disagree with your post but the eternal summerness of it distracts from that.

LeafyMcLeafFace · 30/10/2025 07:22

GEW · 30/10/2025 07:16

She used to be the office PA before he sold the business. We are both at home all day now being in the fortunate position to take early retirement. The last child has gone to university. He will actually be leaving me at home to take this woman out to celebrate her birthday which was a few days ago. I asked if she is married and he deflected. I will be sat at home whilst he wines and dines another woman. Recently I found out he goes cycling with her. I actually thought he was going in his own since his male cycling buddies have given up. He had let another female name slip. I know this second woman, I used to work with her and I trust her. I thought if they were all in a group it was ok. It’s the one to one that’s worrying. Also I’ve never been invited on these girly cycles which I find weird. I do have my own sport which takes up a great deal of time. A row most mornings with a male rowing partner. So I have cut him some slack as I know what it’s like to train with someone of the opposite sex. However we are training for an actual event and i wouldn’t dream of phoning my rowing partner up and asking him to go lunch alone with me. That would weird and raise a number of eyebrows. I don’t know the woman he’s going for lunch with. I’ve never spent time with her and I wouldn’t recognise her.

The ex PA thing I’d be fine with. The secret cycling thing I wouldn’t.

I still wouldn’t play tit for tat though.

MushMonster · 30/10/2025 07:23

OP I feel for you.
The key is in the fact you do not know her.
She is important enough for him to care that much about her birthday, but you have not met her....
A deep friendship would most likely mean he wanted to introduce you.
I think he is not cheating, as he has said. But he is detached a bit from you and too involved with this woman, emotionally. There is time to fix it. But, I would not dance the pick me dance for anything on this world. Just tell him this feels wrong to you. Time to invest time in rekindling.

GhostOfChristmasPudding · 30/10/2025 07:31

I think (especially with OP's update), I would also be suspicious. First of all, I love how many people here just glazed over the fact he was taking this woman out for her birthday, and OP also wasn't invited? If this woman is so lonely and devoid of anyone else who can take her out for her birthday, why not invite OP along, maybe they could become friends?

Secondly, they have their cycling group which OP is not a part of. And thirdly, he 'went ballistic' when she suggested going on a date with another man (although I agree with others that sounds incredibly childish, and shows there are already other issues), which is likely projection - if someone isn't cheating, they don't get mad, they laugh at the idea. They do their best to reassure you properly, to repair whatever rift there is.

They don't get mad at you, then go ahead and do the lunch anyway. OP, just ask him why you couldn't come? "So and so sounds lovely, but I've never met her - I'd like to." If he still finds reasons for you not to meet, you'll have your answer.

Coconutter24 · 30/10/2025 07:31

tothelefttotheleft · 30/10/2025 02:29

Surely if it's good enough for him it's good enough for you?

But she’s only said that out of jealousy and is being petty

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 07:32

I would invite yourself along! Yes it werid.

Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 07:33

I've just read your update OP.

I'm sorry OP but he has already been seeing her secretly and now taking her out for a birthday date is taking things to the next level.

It sounds as though he very much has at least an emotional attachment even if it hasn't become physical yet.

Luckyingame · 30/10/2025 07:37

Morningsleepin · 30/10/2025 02:58

You don't trust him. I have been single for forty years and have lovely male friends who are not the slightest bit interested in me sexually nor I in them.

I envy you! 😁

Original poster
GEW · 30/10/2025 07:38

He just kept shouting, “Am I not allowed any friends? You want to control me etc etc. He was vibrating with anger. He took my glasses and through them across the room and broke them. I just kept repeating that it was weird, it felt wrong and please could he ask his male friends for their opinion. Would their wives be ok with it. Would his sister or mother be ok with their husbands doing this? He just got angrier and angrier. A long time ago he didn’t return home from the works Christmas do. I was at home with the kids. The Christmas do was a short taxi ride away. I have asked him if he slept with her then. He’s always denied it. I don’t know if he genuinely booked a room and didn’t tell me or if he stayed in hers. He’s never encouraged me to meet her and when I called in at the office he’d get me out of there quickly. It was close by. He’d never let me work there even though it’s what I used to do and I was very good at it. I made him give my friend , the second woman a job as she was brilliant at what she did and her husband kicked her out of his house with 2 small children and a breast cancer diagnosis.

OP posts:
PucaBandearg · 30/10/2025 07:38

StepAwayFromGoogling · 30/10/2025 06:27

What are you talking about?! My DH has female friends. He goes out to eat with them. What on earth is wrong with everyone on this thread?!

Show quote history

I agree with you @StepAwayFromGoogling - I feel like I woke up this morning in an alternate universe where everyone overnight went mad.

I reported the posts that were aggressively rude to you. This thread is ridiculous! Does no-one trust their partners anymore?

Thortour · 30/10/2025 07:38

This seems a bit odd.

Luna6 · 30/10/2025 07:41

PucaBandearg · 30/10/2025 07:38

I agree with you @StepAwayFromGoogling - I feel like I woke up this morning in an alternate universe where everyone overnight went mad.

I reported the posts that were aggressively rude to you. This thread is ridiculous! Does no-one trust their partners anymore?

Show quote history

If you regularly read MN you will see that nine times out of ten there is no smoke without fire. Why can’t the wife join them for lunch if it is so innocent? I have good male friends too but my husband would always be included for a lunch.

PucaBandearg · 30/10/2025 07:45

Ok to answer your latest post...
Am I not allowed any friends? You want to control me etc etc. He was vibrating with anger.
He should be allowed friends of all sexes, it does sound like you want to control him m
He took my glasses and through them across the room and broke them that's not OK, and you've bigger problems in your relationship than lunch with a friend.
I just kept repeating that it was weird, it felt wrong and please could he ask his male friends for their opinion. Would their wives be ok with it it's not weird, and yes I would be okay with it.
He’s never encouraged me to meet her and when I called in at the office he’d get me out of there quickly. It was close by. He’d never let me work there even though it’s what I used to do and I was very good at it as i said, it sounds like you both have issues in the relationship.
I made him give my friend , the second woman a job as she was brilliant at what she did more controlling behaviour from you. And what second woman?

AngelicKaty · 30/10/2025 07:45

GEW · 30/10/2025 07:38

He just kept shouting, “Am I not allowed any friends? You want to control me etc etc. He was vibrating with anger. He took my glasses and through them across the room and broke them. I just kept repeating that it was weird, it felt wrong and please could he ask his male friends for their opinion. Would their wives be ok with it. Would his sister or mother be ok with their husbands doing this? He just got angrier and angrier. A long time ago he didn’t return home from the works Christmas do. I was at home with the kids. The Christmas do was a short taxi ride away. I have asked him if he slept with her then. He’s always denied it. I don’t know if he genuinely booked a room and didn’t tell me or if he stayed in hers. He’s never encouraged me to meet her and when I called in at the office he’d get me out of there quickly. It was close by. He’d never let me work there even though it’s what I used to do and I was very good at it. I made him give my friend , the second woman a job as she was brilliant at what she did and her husband kicked her out of his house with 2 small children and a breast cancer diagnosis.

Yup, you're absolutely right to feel the way you do OP.

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 07:46

If he got so angry he broke your glasses then for one he is deflecting but for two you have serious other issues if his first port of call is to fling your glasses across the room.

PucaBandearg · 30/10/2025 07:47

Luna6 · 30/10/2025 07:41

If you regularly read MN you will see that nine times out of ten there is no smoke without fire. Why can’t the wife join them for lunch if it is so innocent? I have good male friends too but my husband would always be included for a lunch.

Show quote history

On MN yes, but in real life no.

My DH goes to lunch with lots of women friends with no ulterior motive. So in my world, it's not an issue.
Add I've said in PPs, there's bigger problems in OP's relationship than lunch.

justasmallbiz · 30/10/2025 07:47

Obvious how much back story there is here. Your husband is an arsehole.

Also, why can’t your partner sit down calmly with you and talk through an anxiety. They always instead get all righteous about trust. Funny that.

SmallestGnome · 30/10/2025 07:48

I used to go for lunch with my ex husband on my work break or for breakfast before work despite having a partner at home. My ex husband was going through a lot at the time and it was important for me to check in on him (don't want to have to tell my son his dad is no longer with us)

I also used to lunch with work colleagues. Every pay day me and one other male colleague would go to nandos on our lunch break. There was nothing untoward going on, just two friends of opposite genders eating chicken to break the work day up. Occasionally another staff member would join. It was no big deal.

If my partner ever said he was uncomfortable with this I'd find it really odd that he didn't trust me. Unless he found this person on a dating app, it's unlikely to be anything sinister. I wouldn't be playing tit for that games because it quickly becomes toxic.