Husband’s wants to lunch with another woman

[GEW]

My husband wants to take another woman who I don’t know, but I think she’s unmarried, out for lunch because it was her birthday. I will be sat at home whilst he has lunch with her. It feels odd. I told him it was weird but he didn’t listen. I have been upset all day and decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed. He asked where I was going tomorrow. I said I was going out to lunch with a man if he was going out with this woman. He went ballistic accusing me of jealousy turning it all around on me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

You don’t have to be a cool girl to be rational about your husband taking a former employee out for lunch to celebrate their birthday. I wouldn’t think twice about it.

Or just ones with healthy relationships

If your posts had been a couple of minutes apart I'd agree with you (and wouldn't have posted) but your comment was 13 minutes after OP's last one.

theres No enough info here to decided wether he’s cheating or not.

I think a birthday lunch can be platonic and also if he is cheating “banning” the lunch is hardly going to be the magic bullet that cuts it off.

if he wants to cheat he will cheat. You need to have a proper conversation about what is going on between you.

I’ve just seen your update. The aggression and violence is a massive red flag. Does he usually break your things in anger?

Well apologies, I didn't see it when I clicked "view all OPs posts" for some reason. Only the one I replied to

FWIW I don't think I'm a "cool girl" and my responses were based on the fact that I've been the person in the husband's shoes, going out for dinner with male friends/ex husband and I would have been very offended if my partner tried to suggest it was seedy.

I think the fact that he reacted as he did - with anger - makes me more suspicious. I can’t help but think that if he had nothing to hide his first reaction would be to reassure you, rather than to explode. But this assumes no background of needless jealousy and suspicion on your part …

It's never fat, old Burt's birthday lunch is it?

I know - all gaslighting the poor op who needs to see a divorce solicitor asap.

Funny how it’s never Big Kev from the warehouse or Fat Fiona from the canteen they want to take out to lunch is it?

It’s pretty undeniable that he’s either already having an affair with her or is desperate to have one. My gut is that they’ve been seeing each other for a while.

The deliberate violent act of throwing your glasses across the room and breaking them is him trying to stop you asking awkward questions because he feels uncomfortable and knows he’s in the wrong.

If you’re retired and no longer earning, what is your financial set up if you split? Do you have access to all the financial information?

He’s behaving badly towards you and no amount of pleading or showing him what he’s risking losing will make him see sense at this stage, as he has tunnel vision where this woman is concerned. I wonder what promises he has been making to her about their shared future?

You need to accept it’s over and start getting your ducks in a row. Book an appt. with a solicitor asap and start making plans to divorce. It’s not going to get better.

Being single and financially secure is much better for you than living with a man who treats you no better than a paid housekeeper.

It might be Fat Fiona, the erstwhile PA.

I wouldn't be bothered about my husband meeting a friend of any sex for lunch, nor would he be bothered by me. But then we're both bisexual and I'm very cool 😎.

I would however be divorcing him for throwing my glasses across the room and breaking them!

My husband has lunch with colleagues and ex-colleagues (of all genders) who I haven’t met. In groups and individually. I do the same. I don’t think it’s particularly unusual.

He doesn’t, however, break my glasses or ‘vibrate with anger’ at me. I think this lunch is a bit of a red herring. Her DH sounds awful.

The angry response and his secrecy are not ok and need addressing. but I do wonder if the flavour of controlling behaviour hinted at in your posts is prompting him to be less willing for you to meet people. I would not want to work with or for my husband, nor would I want to forcibly meet his work colleagues- they are his separate friends. I would be absolutely fine with my husband going for lunch with a female friend. Those saying "why can't she go too?" - why should she? I wouldn't want to see someone I didn't know on my birthday. Would you expect him to tag along to every lunch meeting of hers? I feel your reaction was passive aggressive in pushing a response from him and points to poor communication on both sides. It was petty and I wouldn't take that approach if I wanted a reasonable discussion on the matter.

But how do you know it isn’t? I’ve had periods in my life of being quite overweight, and I’m pretty plain on a good day. It didn’t affect my doing things with male friends, ever.

It is only on MN that I am ever described as cool or edgy.

I describe myself as an adult married to another adult.

Of course it is. But nobody makes MN posts about those events.

Well, those incidents don't prompt posts on mumsnet. My husband goes for lunch with his similar age female colleagues and also with some older male former colleagues. I don't find it odd at all. You also have no idea of this woman or her appearance or age - a lot of assumptions being made

Exactly.

You have bigger problems than "the date".
Your reaction with your fake date is, frankly bonkers. I'd be furious too.
His aggression and glasses-smashing is unnacceptable too.
Time to move on?

(I) decided that if he insists on going I will tell him I am also going out for lunch with someone else. I won’t actually meet anyone but I will go out. I set my clothes ready tonight before I went to bed

How incredibly childish.

Incredibly. Can't think why he lost his temper with OPs little performance 🙄

The poster's upset, with some justification and some of you are putting the boot in. Nasty.

By the time the DH is up to shizz like this and you are creating fake dates, it's over.

Get legal advice ASAP @GEW Get ahead of the game without him knowing.

Go to lunch. Get someone to take a photograph of you with an attractive man. Younger if possible. Accidently let your husband see the photograph.

Yes, he's had an affair in the past and is working towards having one now. Let him know it goes both ways.