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Original poster

My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

1000 replies

Thescornedwife · 25/10/2025 10:03

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 26/10/2025 23:49

Tallerandtall · 26/10/2025 15:28

@Thescornedwife

dont listen to any of the don’t take him back people.

ask youself

  1. what would be different?
  2. How could he prove he has changed?
  3. What makes you happy?
  4. can you imagine life on your own?
  5. do you want him back?
  6. how do you see that happening?
  7. how can he get your trust back?
  8. what would you miss if you never saw him again?
  9. what would you say to a friend or you kids in later years in the same situation?

if you are ok answering this?

you might be able to plot your way and the way that suits you.

good luck either way.

FFS this is two years of betraying his wife and putting her at risk of STIs.

Pryceosh1987 · 27/10/2025 00:35

Its possible to work on it and repair the damage, but he has to gain your trust again, this is not easy. I would say perhaps you could try couples counseling with him.

Orangefoxglove · 27/10/2025 00:47

Pryceosh1987 · 27/10/2025 00:35

Its possible to work on it and repair the damage, but he has to gain your trust again, this is not easy. I would say perhaps you could try couples counseling with him.

I think individual counselling for the OP would be a better option. She needs a safe space to explore what she really wants for her life going forwards.

Enrichetta · 27/10/2025 02:11

Pryceosh1987 · 27/10/2025 00:35

Its possible to work on it and repair the damage, but he has to gain your trust again, this is not easy. I would say perhaps you could try couples counseling with him.

😨😱😭

LadyGAgain · 27/10/2025 04:18

Head to affairrecovery.com
lots of balanced perspective and things to read. Not designed to make you stay or leave.
good luck OP. Being the betrayed is beyond awful.

cloudtreecarpet · 27/10/2025 06:59

Pryceosh1987 · 27/10/2025 00:35

Its possible to work on it and repair the damage, but he has to gain your trust again, this is not easy. I would say perhaps you could try couples counseling with him.

This is such terrible advice!

He cheated on her for TWO years fgs and you think there is a way back from that or that she should even try?

Raise your bar!!

Rooroobear · 27/10/2025 07:59

If you do decide to not take him back be prepared for him to turn nasty. So many posters previously have said how their husbands won’t be horrible or turn against them or their children until they don’t get their own way and realise you’re not jumping to their tune and taking them back. . He will turn in the blink of an eye. I would, if you have the energy, get on the front foot now.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 27/10/2025 08:00

LadyGAgain · 27/10/2025 04:18

Head to affairrecovery.com
lots of balanced perspective and things to read. Not designed to make you stay or leave.
good luck OP. Being the betrayed is beyond awful.

Yeah. Learn how to eat the shit sandwich day in, day out for the rest of your life.

Aim higher. Aim for better.

GAJLY · 27/10/2025 08:13

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 18:19

No! Everything is just typical stuff. Either he doesn’t know why he did it, he felt sorry for her, he wanted to break up with her for ages (he slept with her and was at her house watching a movie etc 2 days before it all came out). He was depressed, some blame on the marriage, we didn’t date etc. I’m not sure there’s anything he can say anyway! All that could be said for a one night thing maybe but not for 2 years

Show quote history

I'm sorry but, he slept with her because he felt SORRY for her?!! How come he didn't feel sorry for you and his children??!! Or does it only work when they are attractive and sexy?! He is a rat for telling you that, and you know it.

CrazyGoatLady · 27/10/2025 08:15

LadyGAgain · 27/10/2025 04:18

Head to affairrecovery.com
lots of balanced perspective and things to read. Not designed to make you stay or leave.
good luck OP. Being the betrayed is beyond awful.

More bad advice to take back shit, disloyal men.

Lightuptheroom · 27/10/2025 08:49

Practical advise - get the key to the house back, or change the locks, he has no right to come and go as he pleases. Your daughters are teens he doesn't need somewhere to see them, he can take them to Costas etc, they're not babies or toddlers

My sister was you, up until their children were 14/15 he had multiple work places affairs, she took him back every time. There was always an excuse, he needed to have an affair to keep his job, they had 2 miscarriages and he couldn't cope, he has psoriasis and couldn't cope with being in the same bed, the excuses were endless. I watched a strong confident woman for the 'pick me' dance. She finally told him to shove it when the children were 17/18. It's done a great deal of damage to her son particularly as the latest affair she has a son around the same age who his dad definitely prefers to be around.
Think about the message you're sending to your teenage DD,.that men get to treat you like shit and do what they want. I personally divorced when my ds was 2 (now 23) as my ex had an affair with my midwife. I left and didn't look back. He's soiled goods. Contact a solicitor for the legal aspects, let your family help you and watch him rot

mummytrex · 27/10/2025 09:05

I'll preface this by saying I'm a cynic but for what it is worth, I agree with PP that I wouldn't take him back. My reasoning:

  1. He didn't end things. The OW has ended things - likely because this relationship isn't so shiny now they've both lost their jobs.
  1. After having cheated for 1.5yrs he left you for OW. It's only now he has lost his job he has had an epiphany and wants to return.
  1. You say it's a family business. I presume as a result he had a reasonably senior position? If so, he is likely mourning his loss of "status" and realising he isn't going to get that elsewhere.
  1. He MIGHT be attempting reconciliation in an attempt to geg his job back.
  1. Even if 4 is wrong, you say you earn more than him. He knows that whilst jobless he needs you financially to survive unless his parents are willing to fund him given the OW has ended things.
  1. This wasn't a brief mistake. This was a long calculated affair.
  1. The "good dad" you referred to prioritised his penis over the financial stability of the kids sleeping with OW at work. It was disrespectful to you and your family. It also smacks of arrogance that he had the audacity to do it. He frankly has no respect for you or his former employer.

I could go on, but long story short. You deserve better. Regardless of what you choose to do get a decent solicitor now and get your ducks in a row so you're prepared - my sister didn't do this and believed the lies whilst the ex was working behind the scenes getting things in order to screw hwr over. Despite my warnings she didn't wake up until it was too late. Don't do the same thing!!

5678XXX · 27/10/2025 09:15

GAJLY · 27/10/2025 08:13

I'm sorry but, he slept with her because he felt SORRY for her?!! How come he didn't feel sorry for you and his children??!! Or does it only work when they are attractive and sexy?! He is a rat for telling you that, and you know it.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Let's hope Dave from Accounts or Sweaty Jim from HR don't have sob stories too or else he could feel sorry for them as well, and then who knows where that twist could lead...

HelenSkeleton · 27/10/2025 09:46

@mummytrex Prioritising his penis. I love it. Not funny for the OP of course but you know what I mean. Too many men do that

Original poster
Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 13:07

mummytrex · 27/10/2025 09:05

I'll preface this by saying I'm a cynic but for what it is worth, I agree with PP that I wouldn't take him back. My reasoning:

  1. He didn't end things. The OW has ended things - likely because this relationship isn't so shiny now they've both lost their jobs.
  1. After having cheated for 1.5yrs he left you for OW. It's only now he has lost his job he has had an epiphany and wants to return.
  1. You say it's a family business. I presume as a result he had a reasonably senior position? If so, he is likely mourning his loss of "status" and realising he isn't going to get that elsewhere.
  1. He MIGHT be attempting reconciliation in an attempt to geg his job back.
  1. Even if 4 is wrong, you say you earn more than him. He knows that whilst jobless he needs you financially to survive unless his parents are willing to fund him given the OW has ended things.
  1. This wasn't a brief mistake. This was a long calculated affair.
  1. The "good dad" you referred to prioritised his penis over the financial stability of the kids sleeping with OW at work. It was disrespectful to you and your family. It also smacks of arrogance that he had the audacity to do it. He frankly has no respect for you or his former employer.

I could go on, but long story short. You deserve better. Regardless of what you choose to do get a decent solicitor now and get your ducks in a row so you're prepared - my sister didn't do this and believed the lies whilst the ex was working behind the scenes getting things in order to screw hwr over. Despite my warnings she didn't wake up until it was too late. Don't do the same thing!!

This is exactly spot on, on all counts

OP posts:
Original poster
Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 13:17

A little update for you all since you have all been so kind to me and helping guide me.

i have had to come to work today, one of us has too! But I need the normality for now and to explain when I need to take time off for appointments etc. the kids are still in bits but I have cut contact with him and he isn’t allowed at the house. I have spoke with my uncle and wider family on a group chat and the general consensus is, is that he will NEVER get his job back, I never intended to help him with that, no matter what decisions I made! That’s on him! The workforce know what he and her did and an example needs to be set, especially as he is senior in the business. He will find it incredibly difficult to find another job that pays the same or has the same perks as well as the position held. It will be back to basics for him.

I need and want space from him, I can’t bear to even look at his name on my phone never mind his face! I have the unfortunate thing where my youngest is feeling sorry for him, he’s not helping, because he doesn’t have a car or job or anything! I don’t think she gets the magnitude of it all. She’s very upset for him, I’m not sure if that’s normal or his influence. I have an appointment on Friday with the family solicitor to find out where I stand. I feel a little stronger today. Being distracted at work is helping. I am still absolutely in shock, how could he??? How could he risk so so much! He must have known the risks were colossal and took them my way, time and time and time again! The shock of that is not subsiding for me.

OP posts:
mummytrex · 27/10/2025 13:17

I honestly am sorry you're going through this. Also wanted to add, if he plays the "I'll commit suicide" card. It's further manipulation. The reality is, he almost certainly won't kill himself - I mean he was happy to leave you and the kids for the OW when things were going well. Even if he did do something stupid (and again I'm a cynic and suspect this is pure manipulation), it would be on him. Not you. You can't sacrifice yourself and your happiness for someone who doesn't respect or value you and your kids. As I said you deserve so much more.

mummytrex · 27/10/2025 13:21

Apologies, last thing and I'm sure your uncle will be all over this but make sure the dismissals are watertight. Misconduct etc as I'm sure once the dust settles and your husband realises he has blown up his life and career he could get nasty with the family business by trying to bring an employment claim. Also be on guard re him turning b on you. Good luck.

Original poster
Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 13:23

LadyGAgain · 27/10/2025 04:18

Head to affairrecovery.com
lots of balanced perspective and things to read. Not designed to make you stay or leave.
good luck OP. Being the betrayed is beyond awful.

This is the worm hole I went down to begin with and all these sites are based on reconciliation with advice such as “be patient while he grieves the affair partner”

no!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 13:24

Rooroobear · 27/10/2025 07:59

If you do decide to not take him back be prepared for him to turn nasty. So many posters previously have said how their husbands won’t be horrible or turn against them or their children until they don’t get their own way and realise you’re not jumping to their tune and taking them back. . He will turn in the blink of an eye. I would, if you have the energy, get on the front foot now.

It would be so unlike him!

but I thought an affair was too

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 27/10/2025 13:25

To be honest your dd feeling sorry for him is perfectly normal emotions for that age group. You aren't responsible for what she's feeling, you have the right to refuse to take him back. My son was 2 when his dad broke both my legs and effectively tried to kill me. He was still DS dad but that didn't mean I had to stay with him ! Seperate the two things and make sure school know so that they can give pastoral support. A teenage girl can't understand the magnitude of a presumably much loved dad destroying everything so you'll need to give her space. I reiterate, YOU are not responsible for what she's feeling even if she uses you as her safe space for her anger.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 27/10/2025 13:26

If he threatens suicide, you MUST call the emergency services. If he means it, they are the ONLY ones who can help him. If he says it to manipulate you, he will not enjoy all the attention from paramedics and possibly an enforced hospital stay, and he likely won't do it again.

Ohnobackagain · 27/10/2025 13:28

Lightuptheroom · 27/10/2025 13:25

To be honest your dd feeling sorry for him is perfectly normal emotions for that age group. You aren't responsible for what she's feeling, you have the right to refuse to take him back. My son was 2 when his dad broke both my legs and effectively tried to kill me. He was still DS dad but that didn't mean I had to stay with him ! Seperate the two things and make sure school know so that they can give pastoral support. A teenage girl can't understand the magnitude of a presumably much loved dad destroying everything so you'll need to give her space. I reiterate, YOU are not responsible for what she's feeling even if she uses you as her safe space for her anger.

This @Thescornedwife he is her Dad and it is a separate relationship. Her feelings. But her feelings don’t determine your feelings or actions. Stay strong!

Trallers · 27/10/2025 13:29

OP given how back and forth your thoughts are, I think you need to just take some time to slowly work out what you want to do. My suspicion is there'll be a moment of clarity that will come to at some point, probably in the direction of 'what the hell have I been doing, I want no more to do with this man', but you never know, it may be that you can't live with yourself if you don't give it everything you've got. Everyone else's feelings about what you should do are only so useful - you need to be able to take some ownership of your next steps.

WLnamechange · 27/10/2025 13:29

Thescornedwife · 27/10/2025 13:23

This is the worm hole I went down to begin with and all these sites are based on reconciliation with advice such as “be patient while he grieves the affair partner”

no!!!!!

Show quote history

Oh absolutely not a chance with that. What the hell have you been reading 😅
You've done the right thing denying him access to the home and going to speak to a solicitor.

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