My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

I am disgusted, trust me! And my family despise him. I literally can’t get the images out of my head and my god it’s disgusting, which in turn makes me have disgust in him

So much deceit. What did he tell you he was doing when he was sneaking off to have sex with her at the workplace in the evenings and at weekends? Hundreds of lies over 2 years

Many women have been in similar situations and have had to cut that man from their life.Hope you can too and also know that you have a lot of support from people who have been posting on here.

He worked a lot anyway, he worked at weekends all the time and late after work, it wasn’t unusual. It was unusual for her to be there at the weekends though and he risked her being caught on camera arriving there or staying behind after, but it was a risk they both took willingly.

If you are always right you learn nothing. If you are wrong you learn lots!

I'm afraid I can't understand how you can even look at the man, let alone consider reconciling with him.

I don't understand why he still has carte blanche to walk into your home when ever he wants.

To an outsider it is just so patently obvious that now his OW has split with him and he has no job and is living with his parents then of course he is trying to work his way back into your life and home. It's all about him and nothing to do with care or love for you. It's total self interest.

Why would you allow this lying, cheating excuse for a man back into your life? I mean it's not only you he treated with utter contempt. He abused the trust placed in him by his employers- your family - and treated them as fools as well.

Please find your self respect OP. And think of yourself and the good of your children. If you don't you are setting yourself up for future misery with someone who has no honesty and no sense of decency.

I’ve got a horrible feeling that you are trying to justify and minimise his appalling behaviour OP and I fear that you will take him back.

So he’s not actually taken responsibility at all. He’s minimising it. Making excuses. Downplaying it.

this is NOT a man who deeply regrets his actions. This is a man who deeply regrets things didn’t pan out quite as he hoped so he is desperately scrabbling to clawback what he had.

he has shown no genuine remorse. He has shown no love for you. He has shown remorse at his dream going wrong.

I’m really not, the absolute magnitude of it is going through my mind in a constant loop and has been for 4 days solid. The thoughts of them together is killing me, I have my family round me and they have been amazing, believe me, they aren’t letting me for one second think any of this is excusable. I have over the last few days had to pinpoint lies that were told so he could be with her etc, it’s all the adding up and the lies told at the time that I’m dealing with now. I shouldn’t be contacting him I know that, but it’s hard when I hear something else or discover something else and I want to tell him I know! But all I get is sorry or an excuse or even blaming the OW, he’s thrown her under the bus now.

I’m not actually sure there is any excuse for any of this that he could say anyway. I’m not even sure because of all the lies what genuine remorse would even look like to be honest

That’s good to hear. You deserve so much better than this piece of shit.
It is good that you have a great support network so keep strong. You can do this. 💐

You don't sound ke you're minimising to me, you sound stunned

How are your children?

No. Don't even think about it.

This feeling of disgust is what I spoke about in my previous post and over the years it didn't diminish. It doesn't go away.

The kids are in a daze, worried about me. They are old enough to also pinpoint where they have been lied to too, which is heartbreaking

Because he doesn't give a shit.

maybe he can seek help for that

One day you will realise this makes about as much sense as seeing a crocodile at the zoo and saying the same thing.

This person is utterly incapable of emotional depth or integrity.

It's a crock of shite @Thescornedwife

Get on to Chumplady. She talks sense.

If he left you and your daughters for six months for someone who “means nothing to him”, what exactly does that say about how much you mean to him?

Such nonsense

I would go through the "grieving process" as it were and no, not take him back.

That is exactly what is happening. He doesn’t want to live at his parents’ house so he’s saying what he thinks he needs to say to persuade you to take him back.

It’s up to you, but all he would get from me is the word no.

We remortgaged to do some large amount of work on the house while he was in this affair, if I knew there’s no way I would have made such a large decision knowing that I would be doing maybe doing this myself financially. How could he do that?

Where's that money?

If he just told you all this 4 days ago, I think it's emotionally abusive of him to try to return when he hasn't given you the time nor the space to try to deal with this. You need both.

How are you even considering taking him back when he put getting his dick wet above feeding his children?

Now he all of a sudden wants back home

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live.

is sorry and it meant nothing

So either he lied to her that he loved her, or he's lying to you now that it meant nothing. He's a liar, whichever of those is true.

she was more into it than he was

Blaming her for his actions is a form of misogyny known to FWR regulars as the first rule. This man is a misogynist. Divorce him.

You're in absolute shock at the moment.

Don't make any big decisions just yet.

Rely on your family and friends and ask for your help to

Get that therapy sorted.

Get legal advice.

Get financial advice.

Find out about those shared parenting aps.

Oh, dear. If he told you he cut off contact for you, he’s really awful. Why would you believe that after all the lies? She dumped him, he needs someone to take care of him unto her gets his life together, you deserve better,