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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

1000 replies

Thescornedwife · 25/10/2025 10:03

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Tallerandtall · 26/10/2025 15:28

@Thescornedwife

dont listen to any of the don’t take him back people.

ask youself

  1. what would be different?
  2. How could he prove he has changed?
  3. What makes you happy?
  4. can you imagine life on your own?
  5. do you want him back?
  6. how do you see that happening?
  7. how can he get your trust back?
  8. what would you miss if you never saw him again?
  9. what would you say to a friend or you kids in later years in the same situation?

if you are ok answering this?

you might be able to plot your way and the way that suits you.

good luck either way.

outerspacepotato · 26/10/2025 15:34

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 14:22

I can only go by what he’s telling me and his reasons for having to come clean

But he's told you himself he's a liar. Go by that.

Believe nothing he says. His actions show he's a cheating lowlife using you and your family while he disrespected all of you and did something financial that could have lost your dad his pension.

You can never go back to the little family you were. He broke that irreparably. Everyone knows he's a lying, cheating, reckless asshole who now has nothing due to his own actions. No one will want him around. Would you force him on your family?

He wants a safe nest for a while. He wants you to support him and pretend everything's fine when it's anything but.

At least take your time. Tell him to get a job and show he's a man who can support himself and to get individual counseling for at the very least a year. He won't be able to keep up his facade for more than a couple months. He has to accept consequences and rebuild his life, not slide into yours so you and your family will do his work for him.

moderndilemma · 26/10/2025 15:35

A long affair like this is especially hard to find out about. In a moment, it changes your idea of who your husband is, and the shape of your future. It is no less shocking than a sudden bereavement. You believed him to be an honest, loving man who valued and prioritised his family, who was part of a partnership with you, who worked hard to contribute to all that you jointly wanted. You believed you could overcome challenges together (e.g. his previous gambling) and you probably imagined that you woud grow old together.

Now all of that has been thrown into question. What you thought was real was not real. He is a different person - one who lies, uses your shared family home to commit libidinous acts for his own thrills, abuses family trust by having sex in the workplace, undermines everything you and your daughters thought was safe.

Not only that but it rocks your own self perception and idea of who you are. For many years you have known yourself as an individual AND ALSO as half of a partnership. Your own values, ideas, opinions, priorities will have been shaped by those of your husband. Your husband's treachery (it was nothing less than that) has not only broken your image of who he was, but his revelation has also broken your image of who you thought you were. You were (and still are) strong, hard working, succesful, loving, forgiving. You prioritised your family, made compromises to maintain your relationship. Your were trusting and faithful. Your husband's betrayal might be 'only sex' for him, but for you it has shattered who you knew yourself to be. Some posters have called you stupid, naive, deluded... You may even be telling that to yourself. You are none of those things but this massive shock impacts you on so, so much more than whether your husband had a physical relationship with another woman.

The same goes for your daughters. Their concept of who they are, growing up in a secure, loving, stable family. That has also been shattered. Not by you, but by your husband's selfish, self-centred, deceitful behaviour.

The impact you, and your daughters - that is what he should be divorced for (if that is what you eventually decide to do). Where he sleeps or who he has sex with is a small part, but not caring enough to think about the consequences for those he professes to love. That is close to unforgivable.

How dare he, how very dare he, think that his tears and hand wringing over a few days can address the aftermath of that? That only goes to show how little he loves and values you all. He need to spend a long time getting to grips with the reality of what he has done to you. If he thought he was at rock bottom now... well there's a lot further he has to go.

Of course, it is very tempting in the face of all the hurt to imagine that taking him back will restore not only the marriage and family stability but also your shattered sense of who and what you are. It will not. And worse, it may fundementally change who you are - rather than someone principalled, equal, generously loving it may result in you being anxious, distrustful, willing to accept less than you deserve.

As others have said, please take your time - months not days. Understand how this has affected you on all levels. Seek professional support for yourself. Rebuild your own sense of worth, and help your daughters to do the same. Only then, can you make a decision about whether you want to rebuild a relationship with your husband.

Wrenjay · 26/10/2025 15:38

I wish I hadn't let him stay. Too old now for all the hassle.

babypickles · 26/10/2025 15:40

Sorry you have been through this

Even more sorry that your self esteem is less than zero.

like FUCK do you take this piece of shit back.

Get a grip. Get some support in real life. Think of your kids. Do you want them to think his behaviour is acceptable.

Have a glug of wine and tell him to take a running jump.

Autumngirl5 · 26/10/2025 15:57

Barney16 · 26/10/2025 14:46

It's most likely been said already but you need to find your rage OP. I'm sure you are in complete shock right now but really he's not fit to lick your boots is he? How dare he behave as he has. Some two bit cheat and liar. Change the locks, block his number, parenting app for child related matters. Stay strong.

That is a very extreme response.

Enrichetta · 26/10/2025 16:01

Ellie56 · 26/10/2025 14:19

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

Yes of course he wants to come home and is sorry, it meant nothing etc etc. The lying, cheating, manipulating scumbag would say that wouldn't he? He's saying what he thinks you want to hear and what he thinks will get him what he wants:

1.The family home and all the creature comforts funded by you and your good job which is far more appealing than living with his parents.

2.Someone to sleep with until he finds someone better or OW decides she wants him back.

3.It'll be easier to worm his way back into your daughters' affections if their Mum has seemingly forgiven him.

Don't take the bastard back. You are worth better than this. This wasn't a one night fling. This was a full blown affair for TWO YEARS. He has treated you like shit and shown you total disrespect. Not only that, he has lost his job and in doing so, thrown the whole family under the bus. What an irresponsible twat he is.

Show your daughters that strong women do not allow themselves to be treated like shit or allow men to walk all over them. Show them their father's behaviour is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any relationship.

Find your anger and stop letting him come and go as he pleases. Take his keys off him. Stop answering his phone calls and texts. If your daughters want to see him they are old enough to make their own arrangements with him and it needs to be outside the family home or as PP said when you are out doing your own thing. There is no need for you to see him or speak to him at all.

Don't even think of taking the faithless arsehole back. You deserve far better than him. Instead, as the wise women of MN always say, get your ducks in a row and see a shit hot divorce solicitor.

You can do this @Thescornedwife. Do it for you and your daughters.

Totally this.

@Thescornedwife - read this.

Then read it again. In fact, print it and tape it to your refrigerator.

And read it at least once a day, until it sinks in.

MyPeppyCat · 26/10/2025 16:12

TalulahJP · 25/10/2025 10:15

Nope. He wants to use you. But I imagine he will be thinking about other women.

He can get a flat and in six months you can then see how you feel about him and if you want to date him again. I don’t know how you’d trust him….

This 100%.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 16:14

Autumngirl5 · 26/10/2025 15:57

That is a very extreme response.

Its a perfectly reasonable response.

The OP has to protect herself from him. He is an abusive lying manipulator who will clearly do almost anything to get what he wants. She needs to make sure he is kept as far away from her as possible.

She doesnt need to see him or speak to him about anything in person. Thats exactly what those apps are for. Divorce can be done through solicitors and if the girls want to see or speak to him they dont need the OP to facilitate it due to their ages.

He is her enemy, literally. He could destroy her, he has already had a damn good go. She needs to put her defences in place as soon as possible.

Autumngirl5 · 26/10/2025 16:21

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 16:14

Its a perfectly reasonable response.

The OP has to protect herself from him. He is an abusive lying manipulator who will clearly do almost anything to get what he wants. She needs to make sure he is kept as far away from her as possible.

She doesnt need to see him or speak to him about anything in person. Thats exactly what those apps are for. Divorce can be done through solicitors and if the girls want to see or speak to him they dont need the OP to facilitate it due to their ages.

He is her enemy, literally. He could destroy her, he has already had a damn good go. She needs to put her defences in place as soon as possible.

This is not a war situation!

frostedpixie · 26/10/2025 16:41

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 12:27

I hasten to add that it’s terrified me of therapy! The hundreds of comments on here can’t be wrong! And some from people who have experienced it! Yet I’m worried therapy will try and take advantage of my vulnerability and not guide me where I need to go.

You don't need couples therapy. That ship has sailed after 2 years of complete disrespect and betrayal.
But therapy for your own personal journey towards a future that doesn't include a lying cheating scumbag is worth considering. But make sure the therapist isn't going to try and sell 'reconciliation'. If they do they have another agenda ... one that doesn't centre you. x

Horses7 · 26/10/2025 17:05

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 14:22

I can only go by what he’s telling me and his reasons for having to come clean

The last thing you should do is go by what he’s telling you - wake up please!
He’s a liar and a cheat.
He was probably dragging his feet over commitment to OW as he realised his job was in jeopardy NOT BECAUSE HE WAS THINKING OF YOU!!
He now has no job, no home, his kids are disgusted with him (take note of this and get angry yourself) and so is trying to worm his way back.
Please please realise this is going to do you no good at all - I’m so sad that you can’t see this yourself despite almost EVERYONE telling you so!
Get angry and get a grip OP!!

Elsvieta · 26/10/2025 17:34

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 14:22

I can only go by what he’s telling me and his reasons for having to come clean

You can go by what your own brain and common sense are telling you. When it comes to him, maybe go more by what his behaviour tells you, rather than his words. Does anything he's done indicate that you ought to believe a word he says?

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 17:48

Autumngirl5 · 26/10/2025 16:21

This is not a war situation!

Dealing with someone like this very much IS like being at war!

He will use any weapons at his disposal to get what he wants....so in the affair period he used lies, gaslighting, emotional stonewalling. When he left, more lies and gaslighting. Now he wants back in he is using tears, yet more lies, manipulation and worst of all his kids.

This is someone who has already almost done for the OPs mental health, her stability is gone, her life is unrecognisable and her future unsure. All because he wanted to get his leg over with OW. This man is her enemy!

What do you think will happen when he realises that his life really has been utterly destroyed BY HIS OWN ACTIONS, because she wont take him back? He will not react in any way that will be respectful, amicable or kind to the OP. He will go all out for himself. We know this because that is what he has done so far. Thats why she needs to build a wall around herself and her children to protect them all in advance of his attacks, because sure as night follows day,they WILL come.

If you dont think that this will happen, that this isnt a war then I am glad, genuinely, because it means you have absolutely no experience of what this can be like.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/10/2025 18:04

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 14:19

My family are well off and would help, it’s hard to think of having to take help but I do have that option. If only so the kids can have their home still and safety net of their home. I have no idea as yet even where to begin financially with everything

Your family sound supportive and could help you get financial and legal advice. ASAP
I worry that you have been persuaded to remortgage to do major works on your house. That sounds like a large sum was borrowed. Has the work been started/completed.. and where is that remortgaged money now?

You say you would never had agreed to if you'd known. You asked why He did that. He did that because he doesn't give a monkey's. He probably wanted some extra cash. I don't know what actually happened but it sounds like bare faced financial abuse.

You already know He's a gambler, who jeopardised your Dad's pension fund.

You won't have a chance to think about protecting your financial security if he's still turning up whenever he likes and constantly sending you wounding new information dumps about his affair that send you reeling.
So you must get space to get your head straight. If you are not fully up to taking steps to financially protect yourself and your children's interests , ask a family member to help with the admin

BobsterRobster · 26/10/2025 18:04

OP,change the locks, accept and process the hurt and how your relationship is over.

Move on. He is not your problem.

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 18:19

Elsvieta · 26/10/2025 17:34

You can go by what your own brain and common sense are telling you. When it comes to him, maybe go more by what his behaviour tells you, rather than his words. Does anything he's done indicate that you ought to believe a word he says?

No! Everything is just typical stuff. Either he doesn’t know why he did it, he felt sorry for her, he wanted to break up with her for ages (he slept with her and was at her house watching a movie etc 2 days before it all came out). He was depressed, some blame on the marriage, we didn’t date etc. I’m not sure there’s anything he can say anyway! All that could be said for a one night thing maybe but not for 2 years

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 26/10/2025 18:20

Two years isn't a stupid mistake while thw balance of your mind is disturbed. Two years is a relationship.

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 18:22

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 17:48

Dealing with someone like this very much IS like being at war!

He will use any weapons at his disposal to get what he wants....so in the affair period he used lies, gaslighting, emotional stonewalling. When he left, more lies and gaslighting. Now he wants back in he is using tears, yet more lies, manipulation and worst of all his kids.

This is someone who has already almost done for the OPs mental health, her stability is gone, her life is unrecognisable and her future unsure. All because he wanted to get his leg over with OW. This man is her enemy!

What do you think will happen when he realises that his life really has been utterly destroyed BY HIS OWN ACTIONS, because she wont take him back? He will not react in any way that will be respectful, amicable or kind to the OP. He will go all out for himself. We know this because that is what he has done so far. Thats why she needs to build a wall around herself and her children to protect them all in advance of his attacks, because sure as night follows day,they WILL come.

If you dont think that this will happen, that this isnt a war then I am glad, genuinely, because it means you have absolutely no experience of what this can be like.

Edited

He hasn’t done or said anything so far to indicate that BUT he is clever and could play the long game with the sympathy act and the tears and regret etc. I would prefer it he did just get mad and throw his toys out his pram

OP posts:
Milosc · 26/10/2025 18:28

OP, he willingly had an affair. No one made him do it. He claimed he was playing you to his OW. He abandoned you and your daughters to go have sex with her free of guilt. He lied repeatedly about why he left and clearly showed he is incapable of love to you or your daughters. He left on his own free will. That is not man who loves his wife and daughters. That is a selfish man who thinks with his dick.

Now, he lost his job and has no money, car or place to live. His OW.is mad so he has no one to have sex with. Poor, poor man. So he comes crawling back to get to come to his comfy home and reel you back in. Then he is sure he will get his job back. Coincidentally he can still fuck around with the OW because now you already know so she has no leverage.

He never would have come back if it was still hidden. He is using you and you are letting him. It is hard but you need to see him for who he is now. He is not the man you married. Please have respect for yourself and tell him to fuck off.

As for worrying about him running back to the OW, let him. Clearly he does want to be with her. He is using you. Be a strong woman and show him what he lost and go live your best life without him. You will never trust him again. He isn't remorseful. He is panicking he got caught. Realize that he doesn't think of your feelings at all. You don't need to worry about his anymore. Show your daughters that they deserve better from men because their father is a shit example of a man.

AnonymouseDad · 26/10/2025 18:33

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 18:19

No! Everything is just typical stuff. Either he doesn’t know why he did it, he felt sorry for her, he wanted to break up with her for ages (he slept with her and was at her house watching a movie etc 2 days before it all came out). He was depressed, some blame on the marriage, we didn’t date etc. I’m not sure there’s anything he can say anyway! All that could be said for a one night thing maybe but not for 2 years

My wife when found out said she regrets things but also put blame everywhere else too like mental health. We didnt date. She was vulnerable. It didnt mean anything.
She kept saying all sorts and it just felt off. Exactly the same as how you feel about his words. Just a bit hollow.

For me there was a moment when everything changed and her words had substance. She stopped blaming everything. It was like a switch got flipped and she was then and only then actually regretful and sorry.
It does not sound like that has happened with him and it may not.
If you dont believe his words then they are not true and that is all you need to know.

Anyahyacinth · 26/10/2025 18:46

Sharing all you have, the back story of gambling and lies. Working for your family..the sexting, more lies.
I don't understand why you aren't utterly repulsed by him and thinking your feelings are for someone who never existed.
He is disgusting...there is no work in counselling that would overcome that huge chasm of no morality.
I think it boils down to respecting your family...your wider family who had helping him by giving him work, your faith in him crushed, the pain of his phoney 6 months break and his willingness to prioritise sex over time with his children - family holiday etc..

CelerySticker · 26/10/2025 18:49

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 18:22

He hasn’t done or said anything so far to indicate that BUT he is clever and could play the long game with the sympathy act and the tears and regret etc. I would prefer it he did just get mad and throw his toys out his pram

He hasn't because you haven't told him in plain words that it's over and there is no going back. As soon as you do this, be prepared for the change.

Gagaandgag · 26/10/2025 18:52

He was being more affectionate because he is manipulating you. Sending a huge hug xx

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/10/2025 18:57

Thescornedwife · 26/10/2025 18:22

He hasn’t done or said anything so far to indicate that BUT he is clever and could play the long game with the sympathy act and the tears and regret etc. I would prefer it he did just get mad and throw his toys out his pram

I agree with @PyongyangKipperbang
I'm sorry to say this OP, its not tears and pleas for sympathy that matter, but all the actions he has taken so far indicate that he could be a formidable opponent, trying to get as much benefit from the situation as possible.

And at the moment you are still tolerating him. So he's switched on the waterworks
When he realises he hasn't swayed you...what then?

He has proved himself again and again to be utterly ruthless;
in pursuit of his affair, towards his employers your uncle, putting your father's pension at risk, persuading you to remortgage when you were unsure. He has been ruthless in sending you all the sordid affair details, ignored the pleas of his children to come on the family holiday and ruthless in lying to you continuously.

Based on this evidence, once he starts looking for a pay off - he will be just as ruthless, that is why so many pp are suggesting that you should take steps now to protect yourself financially and legally.

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