My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

You might want to think about getting your girls into therapy. I witnessed my family exploding at 17 - my mother had an almost fatal heart attack, and 6 months after she got out of hospital, my father (who had cheated on my mother their whole marriage and probably was to some degree responsible for her ill-health due to the endless stress he put her under) left her. I heard a lot of justifications and self-pity from him, while at the same time seeing my mother reeling in utter devastation and terror.

It was a really confusing time for me, because I loved both my parents, and couldn't reconcile my love for my father with his horrendous behaviour. Like your DD, I actually kind of bought into his bullshit for a while, which I felt guilty about for years.

I think it would have helped me process this terrible, very disorienting time better if I'd had a neutral third party to talk to about it.

One of my daughters always felt sorry for her dad too. Was blooming galling tbh but that was her right.

15 years after the divorce she is one that loathes him the most out of all her siblings.

So just suck it up, hard though it is, and ignore her feelings for him. She can feel how she wants. Truth will out eventually and sadly she will feeling more disgust to him than your other child/children do, precisely because of how she originally felt and realising he didnt deserve it.

Super woman - big respect for you! 💐

I think your child's feelings are entirely normal.
They have a different relationship with him & whatever he has done he's still their Dad & they will still love him. At the moment their feelings towards him will be confused & don't even be surprised if they seem to take his side or say things like "poor Dad, it's ok for you, you still live here" or whatever.

That's the part of splitting I found the hardest & it's where you really have to put your big girl pants on because, unless he is a danger to them, they need to still see him & love him. So no involving them from now on in the crap things he has done to you & no slagging him off to them.

It's hard at times but children do need both parents even ones that have behaved like he has.

From everything the OP has written about him, I would bet money this isn't his first rodeo.
It is simply too brazen to be shagging a colleague in a business your wife's family own.
Too brazen.

My friends went through similar a lifetime ago - she’s been happily married for years a second time to a lovely man. She never said a bad word to her 3 girls who were all under 10 at the split desire loathing husband - interestingly all 3 realised what he was like when they were older and each one had their Mum walk them down the aisle - Dad was an onlooker only - totally due to how he treated them.

The cheaters make fantasy lands in their heads where everything turns out roses for them.

In these delusional fantasies either no one finds out or nothing kicks off.

We had a very good therapist who took no sides and pushed no agendas. All she did was explain certain psychological facts and let us figure out what's next.
My wife had built up things I had done in the past like when i'd lost a job and hung onto them as her reason for anger and reasons why what she was doing was ok when she was doing it.
The therapist took all of five minutes to break all of those and leave nothing from the past to stand on.
She explained that outside of extreme sociopaths there are very few who have affairs activly thinking of the consequences rationally and the pain it will cause. Instead they make up their own version of what will happen and start to believe that as reality.
She said thats why very few affairs last long or remain secret forever. As when cracks apear or questions get asked they start to realise what reality is and then start to make mistakes or come clean.

You’re sounding a bit stronger today OP. It’s a horrific situation to be dealing with, and you’ll be reeling with shock for some time to come, but going back to work and talking about solicitors shows you’re starting to think about your next move. You don’t have to do anything drastic immediately, but you’re sounding more determined and that is a fantastic start. You can get through this. Other women have done, and so can you. Hang in there!

Your youngest is 14, right? So she won't quite understand the issues fully. And it's really important that your kids aren't made by him to feel responsible for fixing his problems in any way.

You can let her know that it's kind of her to be concerned about her dad, but her dad is an adult and he is working on solving these problems himself, because that's what adults do.

You may need to remind the girls regularly, especially the younger one, that whatever happens between you, you both love them and will be there for them, even if right now you have agreed you can't live together and you don't know what the future holds for your marriage.

Try to use neutral language, e.g. don't say you've kicked him out or he's not welcome at the house, say something like "It's best if Dad doesn't come to the house at the moment because it is upsetting and unsettling for everyone. You need to be able to see your dad without the problems in our relationship affecting your time with him"

You said your family are well off and willing to help. This puts you in an immensely better position than 99% of the women who find themselves in this awful position. Cut him loose. Enjoy it.

I'm so sorry you've been through this OP. I think you're phrasing here is the best sign to go with - in an attempt to gain back your trust. Because he doesn't currently have your trust and thanks to his selfish and cowardly actions of two years it's unlikely anyone in your position would ever be able to truly trust him again. I think you know from your posts that the real motivation for him trying to reconcile and to tell you everything was still motivated by that same selfishness on his part. You honestly deserve so much more than what he has offered you and is able to offer you going forward. It hurts so much now, but I believe if you did accept him back into your life it will inevitably lead to more hurt later on.

I’m just saying, be prepared. I’m sure lots of women here will say the same thing. Very unlike him until you don’t do what he wants and he will screw you over. Trust me. Sort your financials out

I second that. Well done OP, you can do it.

I am affair partner of 23 months. He believes he loves his wife. (I say believes because there are people who will say he can’t possibly love her if he’s having an affair. I genuinely believe he loves her, and so does he). You can have a two year affair and love your spouse. I’m not saying your betraying spouse loves you - there are important differences and I think it’s unlikely, but I am saying it’s possible for loving spouses to betray.

Affairs rarely turn into successful relationships. You should not take the failure of the affair as proof of anything but the naivety of both of them thinking that their relationship would be the same once they moved in together.

When I found out he was married, I learned everything I could about affairs, because I couldn’t understand how someone who seemed liked such a good person, who clearly loves his wife, who really isn’t a piece of shit, could do that to her. What I knew he was doing simply didn’t fit with everything else I knew. And most of what people think they know is wrong. There is a LOT of stigma and judgement around affairs, for obvious reasons. So I would be very wary about taking the advice of anyone on this thread. Particularly anyone who says you ‘should’ categorically do one thing or another. I encourage you to source your own knowledge from people with either personal experience or actual expertise and base your decision on that. I’m telling you this because I genuinely think it could help you to feel better about your marriage and make the right decision for you.

How do you justify your behaviour to yourself?

Hi OP. I’m so sorry to hear of what you’re going through and I’m sending you a big virtual hug.
I agree with the post above which says you’re in an incredibly fortunate position where you have your families support , financially and emotionally.
I know how your feeling right now I went through something similar last year except I was thrown out with nothing and was made homeless .
My ex is now expecting a baby with his affair partner and moved away with my youngest.
My ex was also abusive , physically and emotionally but I kept all of that hidden as best as I could and for a while my children hated me because they thought I’d left on my own accord. It took months for our relationship to get back to normal. My daughter thought I’d ruined her life for a while and there was alot of resentment .
I never slagged ex off to the children but my daughter has realised the kind of man he is herself . He no longer speaks to her as his affair partner already has a little girl and it’s like she’s been replaced. That hurts more than what he did to me .
I just want you to know it does get better . I’m a year down the line now , it’s unbelievable to think that this time last year I was homeless and in a crisis house because I had a breakdown .
I think if you do take him back you will feel on edge all the time , wondering where he is , who he’s messaging , whether he thinks of her. You won’t ever feel at peace again.
Yes he’s your husband , the father of your children and you’ve built a life together but he didn’t give you or your children a second thought when he was with her . He’s only guilty now because he had no choice to come clean.
When people show you who they really are , believe them xx

There is little point in answering that, because you have already decided there is no possible justification and that I am selfish and uncaring person who can’t get a man of her own. I don’t feel it would be fair or kind to post that right here, do you? If it’s a question asked in good faith I will happily PM you, or you can start a thread asking affair partners how they live with themselves and tag me.

Wow, how dare you! Would you like to speak to my children who are distraught and let them know your thoughts! The audacity! Please do not comment any more on my thread when I have daughters and myself sitting with a devastating blow. I blame HER AND HIM! But he is our family and she’s isn’t so I can at least give a bit of grace on that. Only a little though. I would have to categorically NOT love my husband to have an affair! END OF STORY! That’s the realisation I am having to come to today! How can he love me and do all of this at the same time? It’s been 2 years, not a one night stand drunk or something like that.

I don't think this is the right thread for you & I think it's pretty misjudged to come one here with your "helpful" view from the side of the affair partner.

Personally I would have been incensed to read your post when I found out about my exH's affair. I actually find it pretty irritating now and i'm a long way on from where the OP is.

You have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be where the OP is and, to be honest, I shouldn't see why she should care in the slightest what it's like for the husband's affair partner or to hear things from her point of view.

Well said OP.

I’m not sure I could. 2 years is much more than a casual fling. But, you need to do what feels right for you. 💐

Wow, well done OP!
I didn't see your post when I wrote mine.

I would have been equally as furious & am still rankled by that post now.

So poorly judged & such utter rubbish.

@MarianaMonterey when you found out he was married you could have ended it. Should have ended it. Of course there is 'stigma and judgement' around affairs - it's because they are morally reprehensible and deeply selfish. I think plenty of people on this thread have expertise and are giving the OP the benefit of their experience - very condescending of you to warn her off taking anyone's advice... you think your advice is somehow 'better' than other people's? Well your morals aren't for a start. You are breathtakingly arrogant. I'm glad @Thescornedwife has given you short shrift because you are insensitive and supercilious.

It sounds like you have fallen for a cheats lies too. No he doesn’t love his wife. He doesn’t love you either. He is not a good person at all. He is a nasty manipulative wanker who is happy to ruin lives for his own selfish desires.

"I am a selfish and uncaring person who can't get a man of her own"

Your words. No one else's.

So you DO know then.