The weekend before last I met up with a guy I've been seeing on and off since February. Since then I've had nightmares, been really jumpy / easily startled, just generally been feeling awful. I think it is because it reminded me so much of the dynamic I had with a much older, very violent "boyfriend" when I was an incredibly naive teenager.
We hadn't seen each other in a while due to the summer holidays and me also having plans I'd made not being sure about him and postponing things to give myself time to think. I was very close to breaking things off due some red flags.
I was late to arrive as I had to deal with my son who was having a meltdown (he is autistic). I text saying I'd get to his as fast as I could, rather than him meet me at the at the pub, and to order without me as we were going to get a deliveroo. When I got to his block of flats I found he'd gone out. Where he lives is quite rough (stabbings etc.) and it was about 10pm at this point so I felt quite anxious. Every time I rang him it was immediately declined. I was almost on the verge of leaving when he called me and said he had gone out for food and he sounded really angry then he comes storming round the corner with a pizza yelling at me saying how selfish I am, how disrespectful of his time, etc. I said I hadn't meant to be late and he just started saying I always had excuses then started mimicking me giving excuses. He said he thinks I am a narcissist multiple times and also that I reminded him of Donald Trump. At the same time he's telling me "eat!" and "eat the pizza!" and also some sushi he'd got for me. I do not even like sushi!
He said he's had peace over the weeks we were not in contact and as soon as we are back in touch now he is stressed again.
Eventually he calms down and we just watched a film like nothing had happened.
The next day was better we went on a day trip but on the way back he got into a huge argument with me about why hadn't we seen each other and how I had ghosted him, that from now on he would do his own thing cos I don't care about him and he was planning to travel the world. He was ranting and raving on the tube saying about my having "ghosted" him when I hadn't (phone got damaged and I was offline for everyone not just him) and everyone was looking but nobody said anything. I was just sat there crying and then when we got off at his stop he put his headphones on and stomped off, and I was just sort of trailing after him and crying. Then he started saying it was like being with a child and started mimicking me crying and started saying how can I parent my children (who he has not met) if I am always crying. And that only a narcissist or psychopath would be crying. I went on holiday with a male friend over the summer which was booked before I had even met this guy and he has been annoyed about this the whole time and was insinuating that I had slept with this friend and other people whilst on holiday. Then he was like "why don't you just go and hang out with your friend who has herpes?" - I didn't know what he meant at first then I remembered I had told him someone I knew had caught herpes but that was months ago. Then he started mimicking me when I couldn't understand what he was saying (English isn't his first language and he has a very thick accent; I have hearing loss in one ear and also can't concentrate in noisy places), every time I tried to speak he'd cut me off and yell "what??" or "pardon??" in this really crazy way and was saying "how do you like it??" but he definitely could hear me.
The next day I went home and as I was leaving he said he was glad we had argued, basically he seemed to have found the whole thing quite sexy and like it'd cleared the air or something.
I feel sick thinking about the whole trip because he was so horrible; he was sober the whole time as was I, so it wasn't like a drunken argument.
Lastly when I was half asleep and spooning with him I am pretty sure he randomly put his hand around my neck; I said stop and he did but then he did it again. I had always said to never choke me, that is an absolute boundary for me because the "boyfriend" I had as a teenager would choke me till I blacked out when he was angry. I have had friends hook up with guys and they've just randomly started choking them during sex so I wanted to make sure that this didn't happen. I was half asleep so I can't be sure this actually did happen but when I asked him the next day, did he put his hands round my neck? The way he responded seemed really off and over the top like "nooooo I would never do that".
I just don't know what to do, he has gone on holiday and is out of the country at the moment and it's weird but I am kind of glad there is this physical distance between us as this has just unlocked so many absolutely horrible memories I have from over 20 years ago. He only seems to have booked this holiday out of spite, because I went on holiday with my friend. He is sending me loads of pictures of foam parties and it is like he is trying to get a reaction out of me, like I am missing out or should be jealous or something. I haven't really been able to relax for over a week now and have no idea what to do, I just want some peace in my life and not to feel like a battered teenager all over again. I thought I had a hold of my CTPSD but apparently not ðŸ˜ðŸ˜±