Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

i Love reading all your updates. A bit depressing that none of us seem to have found our person though !
am finally getting near to some dates I think.
had another call with Mr big dog tonight. I think he’s “friend -zoned “ though from my POV. He texts me a couple of times a day so I feel like I know him a bit but no suggestion of meeting up yet. It’s getting too boring tbh and he’s not good on the phone. He “man-splains” a lot . He’s a nice person . I don’t want to hurt his feelings . I was thinking of just telling him I’m sorry but I don’t feel a spark but we could be friends if he wanted to. Wwyd

theres Mr old - he seems nice - im Not sure how much we have in common but im giving him a chance. He wants to phone:

then there’s a new guy from today - very keen- we meeting at the weekend which is good. Very very sweet. Unless he’s love bombing me. But nice to have the attention for once! Don’t worry I’m not getting attached yet I am a bit stronger than I was when I started. I’ll call him Mr Russian - he speaks Russian

then there’s Mr flaky - he’s been away but had said date next weekend… so wait and see for him

so yeh I could ….. have a busy weekend for once !! If I like more than one though how will I choose 😆

@ElleintheWoods Yes, you are right - I wouldn’t prefer to have it the other way around. And yes I am doing my best to use enjoy it. Gah, I wish I wasn’t such an over thinker!
The way you write it sounds as if men put you on a bit of a pedestal. They see the superficial attraction without really appreciating you for who you truly are. I do think a real challenge with OLD is that people place a much greater emphasis on profile photos (and therefore how someone looks), perhaps much more so than in real life where you get more of a sense of the other person as a whole. Although sounds like you met Mr RFP in real life, and I wonder if perhaps he suffers from similar being quite good looking himself by the sounds of it.

@Ceci693Sounds like it’s time to let Mr BigDog off the leash. While you might not want to hurt his feelings, it’s better for both of you if you don’t waste each other’s time. Plus it sounds like you have a few more on the go! And I think if you like more than one and are genuinely having difficulty choosing, then the answer is that none of them are quite right. I do genuinely think if there’s a real connection with someone then you’ll just know.

Despite saying you want something beyond the superficial and that you would prefer the start of a romantic relationship to be one where perhaps the man doesn't have any real idea what you look like, where you bond over other things, you seem to place an enormous amount of value on your own looks. There's no reason, for example, to describe yourself in this way 'a redhead with a tiny waist and big boobs under 5ft 5' on a thread you share with (mainly!) other women. They don't care what you look like but there's a reason you've described yourself in this way and I wonder if you place far more importance on your looks and the superficial that you might first think.

You sound very intelligent, ambitious and have clearly built a great career for yourself as well as being very astute at knowing where you're going in life. Those are great qualities. It might help to vary the sort of man you attract if you placed more value on the above and less so on your physical appearance.

Have you had therapy for your avoidant attachment style? Unfortunately love doesn't come in the package we always think we'll have or expect. It might be that Mr RFP doesn't have some of your pre-requisites but actually brings out another side of you that's more relaxed and brings you laughter and fun. Not to say that he will be a forever love but I do wonder if your requirements are actually acting as a sort of suit of armour to make the reality of finding a life partner almost impossible so that you don't have to face getting hurt again.

There is nothing wrong with having high expectations, it sounds like you have a lovely life and you're right to think about the values the other person would need to have to align with yours. But I would consider being a bit more open about the package they arrive in.

@Ceci693 would you want a friend who mansplains?

@BoxOfCats how are you doing?

Kicked Mr X into touch...again. No other irons really.

Hi all 👋🏻

Been following these threads for a while now! Am hugely invested in your tales of dating, and the highs and lows in between.

I’m currently on a dating embargo feeling like I’ve dated all the types of men out there and I’m just a bit bored/drained of it all now. (Link to a thread I posted if anyone is interested https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5431397-the-men-ive-metdated-since-divorce-what-next?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share)

Looking for some advice on a matchmaker situation. I spent the weekend with my cousin and she was telling me about a single friend of hers and her DP who was joining us later that evening for a party. Now me and my cousin are very different, she would admittedly say she married for money, lifestyle and common interests. For me… I guess I’ve wanted attraction, deep love and underlying friendship in my relationships. Anyway, the guy came along to the party, perfectly nice guy, well spoken, clearly well-off. I felt he’d been a bit “scripted” on what to say to me as he seemed to go off on a monologue about his life and career. He’s 12 years older which I know isn’t a great deal (I’m late 30s) but he really SEEMED 12 years older. The way he looked, the fact he talked about his pensions 🤣. Also I have young children and he doesn’t have any which is also a concern as I don’t know if anyone could ever “get” how full on young children are if they’re not there or been there themselves.

My cousin has since messaged to say he liked me and would like my number. She has emphasised what a solid, great guy he is, which I don’t doubt. But is this ever enough?? Thoughts please oh-wise-daters?!?

@justsurvivingnotthriving I replied to your other thread so glad to hear you’re taking a break. It does get draining.
If you weren’t feeling it with the guy you were set up with I’d politely decline. I have a lovely friend who is similar to the guy you’re describing who’s made it clear that if I was ever interested in him he’d love to get together with me. I see him regularly and we’ve been for dinner with friends. We get on well but we’re just in different life stages. His kids are all adults and before too long he’ll be taking early retirement. I’m doing well in my career and still have ambitions. I don’t want to be a nurse with a purse in a few years. He’s very well off but that’s not enough for me.
Go with your gut.

@OneOliveOtter Hi and thanks for taking time to write such a detailed reply, I do appreciate it 😊 You sound like you know your stuff.

Apologies for the misunderstanding, I wasn’t describing myself at all! I was describing how a subset of men think, reducing women to just physical features. I’m not a redhead with big boobs unfortunately 🤣

I do certainly enjoy doing my hair, playing with fashion etc. It’s a source of fun and joy for me. Previous partners have found it a bit OTT, they’d have preferred me with no makeup and in camping gear.

Let me try to explain the kind of attention that gives me the ick with examples. Let’s say you’re Thai, black or Brazilian. Or a model. And you get spoken to like this:
• Oh, I only date Thai girls, they’re so submissive, not like these Western women
• Oh I love black women, they are [enter stereotype]
• Oh Brazilian women are the best, I heard they’re insatiable
• Oh I only date models, other women are just not comparable

I’m fortunate or unfortunate to look like a particular stereotype popularised by, hmmm, online videos that men watch 🌽 So when a man starts making comments about my ethnic background and saying how women from my background, with my body shape and colouring, are superior to other women… I’m sorry, no. Especially considering that these are usually the kind of guys that love Farage, Trump, Tate etc.

Also, I have dated these kinds of guys. What do they do when you put on 3 stone and stop doing your nails? They say it. In a horrible way. They don’t care who you are on the inside, they just want to be able to say they’re dating a skinny Thai girl with perfect skin that hasn’t gained weight since age 15.

Growing up, I wasn’t the pretty girl, I was the smart girl. And the men I have dated and that I generally surround myself with are uber smart. For me that’s the most attractive quality in a guy. That’s really what I want. I swoon over professors and scientists. But yes, I do also want them to notice and say when we’re about to go out the door and I look stunning.

Actually, I don’t have high requirements and standards, and that’s partly the issue. I’m open to dating pretty much anyone from any background and looks if they are interesting to talk to. I was out with friends when I met Mr RedFlagParade 🚩 My friends’ reaction was ‘I can’t believe you gave your number to that guy, you do know he tried to snog 2 other girls after you left?’ He doesn’t really work and sleeps around because he can. But he’s a smart guy with original ideas under all that and therefore I kind of like him.

The guy before that I really fell for was a junior in my office that lived with his parents and spent all his money on football and beer. Aged almost 40. Just loved talking to him because he saw me for me, made me feel seen and heard.

There’s other far worse examples of who I’ve chosen out of all available men on earth but let’s not go into them. People are shocked at who I choose, even the people that I choose are shocked and go ‘why would you want to date someone like me?!’

So I’m trying to make better choices. Not get attached to the first guy that has an actual conversation with me.

The avoidant attachment style? Suppose it’s a combination of things. I’m lucky to have a lot of really lovely men in my life that treat me well and look after me like I’m their daughter/ sister (which in some cases is frustrating), and I see that really positive relationships are possible, therefore I do kind of know on the inside when the guy I’m going for is a ‘wrong ‘un’ and try to avoid past mistakes.

But equally, I am lucky or unlucky to come from a line of women where the women had the power and wealth, and didn’t need a man financially. I’ve seen these women being miserable with partners who were alcoholics or physically abusive, or unable to handle a higher status partner. Seen them in bits suffering with awful mental health. And I’ve seen them alone, thriving, smiling, with no relationship drama to carry. Two different people. A man that takes, takes, takes can literally destroy a woman.

So I’ve decided that for me, I already have a lot of love in my life in many forms, and I’m totally comfortable ‘growing old’ alone. But in terms of a partner, I do want someone that sees all of me, and loves me when I’m an occasionally grumpy wrinkly old woman with multiple health issues, and receives the same love back from me.

Already having people like that in my life, I just want to find one that wants to rip my clothes off, too.
Thanks for listening and apologies for the essay 😊

Anyhow, what’s your dating situation? Do your comments come from any particular issues you’ve had to deal with yourself?

@justsurvivingnotthriving Hmmm I’m in 2 minds about it. It could be worth seeing where it could go if the initial encounter was pleasant enough. But it sounds like you’re looking for what I’m looking for, actual love and friendship. So if you aren’t feeling it now, probably give it a miss.

You have 2 types of older men, those who still have a lust for life and those who are just wanting to retire, slippers and pipe. I have some friends in their 50s and 60s who I’d probably date, because they don’t look or act their age, they’re probably more active than me! If you want someone whose lifestyle, stage and goals are aligned with yours, sounds like he isn’t the one for you

@Ceci693 Oh, that’s a lot of action! Why is Mr old called Mr old? Are the dates based close to you?

@BoxOfCats Yes, sounds really lovely. What’s this weekend been like that with him? Maybe you need to watch Eat Pray Love to get into the mood of enjoying this more 😉

Oui, I don’t OLD, IRL only for me. And I think you’re right, women seek him out for sex, and I’m not convinced he makes the best choices women-wise generally (party girls), so he’s used to being an object and plays into it. He’s probably surprised someone wants to chat geopolitics with him, and to know him, warts and all. It probably tracks with him.

I do think they put me on a pedestal, but more to do with personality. I’ve actually asked close guy friends why they wouldn’t date me and it’s very much ‘you have this amazing personality, you’re so full of life and have everything figured out, and you’re kind of pretty, I feel I’d be punching’. Whether they’re just letting me down gently and think I’m just a crazy car crash and past my expiry date, we’ll never know 🤣 But considering how much platonic love and support I get from men and how often they call and check in, they probably actually like me as a person.

Oh dear I had a long post written and clicked off the app by mistake
I really like 2 / Mr Russian an Mr flaky - both messaging me tonight about dates at the weekend. Mr Russian is very very sweet I could fall for him but Mr flaky is exciting - am slightly nervous to meet him but excited too. Mr Old - he’s slightly older than me but looks kinda older - still attractive but a bit of weight on him but very solid and cuddly - he’s working nights but wants to phone . Oh dear I like all of them atm 😁

Sounds like a nice dilemma to have @Ceci693

In my world MrElusive resurfaced yesterday, we exchanged a few messages. I think he was testing the water, but he hasn’t asked me out. I’m a bit at a loss, I must be on his mind but I don’t want to ask him out again as he said no last time (for legitimate reasons) but made no attempt to arrange for another time and I’m worried about making a fool of myself!

Mr Redhead got his photos then disappeared, lesson learnt there.

I’m messaging Mr Engineer, I think I like him, he seems really genuine. We do similar jobs in different places and he’s not someone I couldn’t have met at work (and I like my work colleagues).

Mr Riverboat said he’d like to meet for a coffee/drink I said yes and we exchanged numbers but we’ve not sorted anything - dunno if I’m that bothered.

Mr Straightlaced seems sweet but I can’t get he sense he fancies me, the messages are very well mannered.

Then there’s the sexter who must have found someone else to bother tonight. I should block him really, I just keep thinking there must be more to him but maybe there isn’t!

it’s fun this isn’t it?!

@NosdacariadSounds like you are well rid of Mr X! Do you think he’s got the message?

l’m good thanks but had a surprise yesterday when Mr Charismatic messaged me out of the blue. We met on Bumble earlier in the year. Date 1 the physical chemistry was there, however it felt a lot like I was being smoothtalked (hence the name Mr Charismatic). We met a total of 4 times, however his messaging was getting more and more sporadic to the point where I felt like I was being breadcrumbed. He did have some stressful things going on in his life at the time so not sure if it was that or if he was never actually looking for a relationship in the first place. When I pulled him up on it he said he was sorry but he wasn’t in the right headspace to meet up again. That was in August so a surprise to hear from him now. I’ve no interest in picking things up with him again so not replied yet!

@PinkNeonSignMr Engineer sounds promising! Any plans to meet?

@ElleintheWoods I’ve tried twice to reply to you and the post has somehow been lost! Luckily I screen grabbed the 2nd attempt. So please excuse the screen shot to save me typing it all again!

@ElleintheWoods please send one of your friends my way!

@Ceci693 it's a good problem to have, better than liking none!

@PinkNeonSign Mr Elusive sounds like a no-no?

@BoxOfCats he rarely gets the message but he has hung up on me more than once when he has complained about something and I've gently pointed out he caused it with his lies...if anyone comes accross him on Tinder wearing a DrWho Tom Baker scarf, you've got the heads up!

Anyway I find that disrespectful.

Mr Charismatic sounds like he got together with someone and it fizzled out?

No irons here to speak of. Hoping MrX will finally go quietly so I don't have to block him which feels wrong after getting on for three years.

@Nosdacariad He sounds infuriating. Is there a reason why you have continued to stay in contact?

Yes that did occur to me too re Mr Charismatic, I’ve replied to his message, having left him on read for 24 hours. I’ve no intention of seeing him again but I’m curious to know what he wants (or if he will even reply, perhaps he will just disappear once again!).

Hi - long time lurker - out of a messy divorce and nervous about OLD -learning so much from lovely posters on here.
What apps would anyone recommend for older people (50+). Have friends who have had success on OLD but they are in their 30s/40s and I get the impression that the ones specifically designed for older people attract s lot of scammers… would welcome any views.

@BoxOfCats sounds like he’s genuinely very busy! So it’s lovely he is making time for you. Also lovely about the present, hope he cherishes it 😊

How does one show their more vulnerable side? Genuine question, I can’t imagine how I’d do that…

@KittyCorncrakewelcome! I’ve only started OLD in the last couple of weeks and am around your age. I’m on bumble. It’s ok so far. Only had 1 creep!

i woke up to 3 messages from my 3 guys - it is weird to have this much attention lol. Hopefully it will lead to actual dates now

Ooooh -thanks!!!! Will watch with interest! I have been on Bumble for a tentative look around 😂and actually saw three men I know in RL… All giving correct ages.
Two of them are actually very nice men -I just don’t fancy them. One is a total useless specimen😀.

I expect he wants to pick up where he left off 😁

The reason is he plays the victim and I feel sorry for him because I'm an idiot...

@KittyCorncrake we're of ages but I have no useful advice 😁

@KittyCorncrakeyou saw men you know - that must be a bit disconcerting 🤣🤣I treat it a bit like a job / I spend about half an hour a day going thru the likes and replying and liking profiles - then sit back and see what comes back 😆

when I started I was very naieve and fell for a guy very quickly as I really liked him but we never got to a date and he ghosted me gradually. So I learnt my lesson and the girls on here have had great advice - best one being it’s not real until it’s real . So am just bantering and having fun until we meet in real life cos it’s not real / at the end of the day we are strangers

@KittyCorncrake we are of a similar mould.
last time I went on a first date was 30 years ago and the world couldn’t be more different now!
Tentatively thinking of dipping my toe into OLD but am terrified. Also can’t find a photo I’m remotely happy to post which doesn’t help!

Sorry bet this question has been asked a million times but which apps are best for 50+? Just Bumble?
Any guidance on best approach to take?