Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@BoxOfCats yes 100% to the not wanting to catch feelings although I'm definitely falling for him. Sorry about the complete idiot who changed his mind after sex. I think you're right to not get too involved and let him take the lead really in terms of making it official etc ❤️

Oooh do tell us more about Mr Skaterboy 🙂 Have you been chatting long?

Urgh it’s so hard not to catch feelings! I’m someone who cares a lot for other people, so letting someone into my life like this I can’t really help but start to care. Why is it so difficult 😩

No, barely at all but I was passing his and suggested a quick coffee then had to cancel due to insane traffic. He was super nice about it then I suggested he come 🛼and he's game 😁 maybe.

@Ceci693 I sometimes think it could be a good idea but then reality hits and I just hate the distance so I think I'll just have to tell him and we can just be friends. Pity he seems the only decent one that's around though 🥴

Thoughts on a guy asking you to his place to cook dinner on first meet up? Obviously red flags. I didn't even reply to him

@BoxOfCats I hear you. Got my guard up a little bit after the hurt of my previous awful relationship too. But the heart wants what it wants 😬 only time will tell I suppose ❤️

Been a little absent... My head's a bit of a mess...

Mr RedFlagParade 🚩is on my mind more than I thought. He's been calling me every day, we've spoken an hour or so each time, and it's been brilliant. Also, did I mention he's exceptionally hot? Oh yes, only 25 times, Elle 😂It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to a man with that level of openness and intelligence.

Been waking up thinking about him and looking forward to our chats and it bothers me. Feels like he's falling for me from how he's behaving, completely gone with the playboy act and turned into a total gent, little gifts, remembering everything I say etc. And what's worse is that I see how I could fall for him, too. My attachment style is avoidant and right now my brain is in total panic mode. Very much 'end this now, this could be something real and you could get hurt'.

So could we be an item? Well, no... Let me list a few red flags:

• Slept with probably half the city, women literally chase him
• Very insecure, needs a lot of propping up, and does things that give him that self worth fix, like chatting up girls at parties
• Low effort and proud. He's just so laid back about organising anything thoroughly that he's almost horizontal - and that's not just in relation to me. I mean, the man regularly gets parking tickets! He's also used to getting women so easily as he's so hot, so he doesn't do proper plans
• No life plan, he's acting like he's 23 but he's 35
• Has some very traditional ideas that don't match with mine
• Completely opposite lifestyles
• There's about 10 more red flags...

I'm supposed to be watching him play football right now as he invited me, but found a solid excuse not to go. Truth is I'd have liked to have gone.

I need to tell him, don't I?

Got a date with someone else tonight that's a far better match for me, so that'll hopefully distract me, and be a nice evening.

@ElleintheWoods being honest right now with him would give you clarity though you might not like the answer.

How traditional are his views?

How many (are any) of the red flags dealbreakers?

@Nosdacariad To be honest I think he's in a similar place to me, he must have realised we're quite different.

Pretty much all the red flags are dealbreakers. I couldn't seriously date someone like him or think of a future, I'd want to significantly change him to live up to his potential. And that's not a good foundation to be with someone. He's not my DS or a project.

Don't really want to go into how traditional as it would be an essay but he seems to have a strong madonna/whore complex, and different standards for men and women in terms of morality.

I'm thinking about being totally honest with him. 'Look, I thought it was just a casual flirtation, but as I'm getting to know you I realise we have a really good time together and you engage me in a way nobody has for a long time. However, a serious relationship between us wouldn't work, we are too different and would both get frustrated, so maybe it's best if we stop now'

That is a lot of reasons not to. Still I can't talk 😅

@ElleintheWoods You’re blaming your attachment style for sending you into panic mode, but I wonder how much if it is just your gut telling you he’s not the one for you now that he appears to be showing you some serious interest?

@BoxOfCats Good point. I know very well he’s not suited to me. I’m feeling myself starting to care for him and that if we keep going, he could break my heart. So…

Suppose where it’s come from is he’s been busy and slow to text back. When he hasn’t texted for half a day, I’ve actually thought about ‘why isn’t he texting’. That’s rare for me, usually I really don’t care or check when and how someone texts me.

For me, the ‘oh my god, I care about this man’ is where the avoidant mechanism gets activated. My brain sees caring about somebody and missing them as a threat, feeling anything for somebody causes anxiety for me, it’s the most unsettling feeling. But perhaps it wouldn’t be so intense if that person felt ‘safer’ and with real potential to be a good couple. However it does worry me that liking someone causes me such discomfort at the moment - I thought that was what people wanted out of dating, and at the moment I hate that part

@ElleintheWoods Yes that makes sense. I understand the anxiety of being unsure if there’s real potential and so not wanting to get too attached. I’m in a similar place myself really. Don’t want to get too attached as there’s a high chance Mr Nomad is around for a fun time not a long time. It doesn’t help though that he appears to be treating me a lot like we are in a relationship - is still calling every day, seems to show a lot of interest in me as a person, shows kindness and consideration, and is generally just acting like a decent human being. Argh.

Just popped on here for a bit of nostalgia. I was on this site around 7 yrs ago, I even helped with the 'rules'. Changed names a few times due to sheer embarrassment at my disasters, lol, the stories I could tell you!

The other reason I'm on here is because I'm seeing someone I first met on OLD around 7 yrs ago. Funnily enough, I kinda ended it as I ended up too distracted by other 'irons'. He's been in and out of my life over the years. We dated a couple more times but every time we tried to make it work, our difficult circumstances (and stubbornness) got in the way. However, we remained friends and still met on the odd occasion. Sometimes I think it's mad that we're giving it yet another try but we both felt that the other was the one that got away. My circumstances have changed dramatically. He truly has been the perfect match for me out of probably 50 or so I dated. Moral of the story is - you do have to kiss (not waste time messaging) a lot of frogs I'm afraid. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and - be bold!

Anyway, sorry that was so long.

@TheSilentSister thanks for sharing - how lovely 🙂

MrSkaterboy went quiet and last night I found out ANOTHER lie of MrX who says his memory is so bad he can't be relied on for the truth.

Hi everyone, just jumping on this thread as I’m in a similar position as@TheSilentSister. back and forth a few times over the last 7-8 years but we’re not going to work out. He just doesn’t want a relationship. Hope you have a different outcome and can make it work!
I’ve got 4-5 matches on various sites and none of them are filling me with enthusiasm.
Got a few nights out planned soon so let’s see if I have better luck IRL!

@BoxOfCats But would you rather have it the other way around? Hot and cold behaviours and late night booty calls? I'd say what you guys are doing is the best way to 'do' a relationship, of any sort. In fact, I told Mr RedFlagParade 🚩early on that even if we were to have something that's just sex, I'd still expect us to treat each other with kindness, consideration and respect, and really connect.

Sure, you don't know where things might go with Mr Nomad and have to protect your heart, but it does sound like the best kind of start to any relationship. Generally I do find that 'good' men over 35 are really hungry for emotional connection and real intimacy, so when they find that with someone, they do appreciate it. Enjoy, you deserve it!

@TheSilentSister sounds lovely. How have you found your dating journey overall, have you enjoyed it? And what did not work out the previous times/ what were your doubts?

@Brightbluesomething Thanks for sharing :) In what ways does it manifest, are there particular lines this guy won't cross? And I'm assuming there were signs in the past where it felt like he might want to progress? Or is it just pure passion for one another that keeps you going back?

I'm feeling very thoughtful this morning, so apologies in advance.

Mr RFP 🚩asked me after the first time we were together, 'what's missing from your life that would make you feel perfectly happy and fulfilled?' I didn't answer. But the truth is, I'd like unconditional romantic love. Someone that wants to hold me and make me feel safe and loved even after I've had a bad day, and doesn't mind if I put on 3 stone or stop doing my nails. And vice versa.

I've realised recently a lot of men that want to date me aren't that pleasant, and I see right through them and strike them through. I hate comments like 'you have such a beautiful body/ dress sense/ long hair, most women don't make an effort' or generally any other type of comment that compares me against 'other women' like it's some kind of competition/ scoring system. So many men that I meet seem to think in that way, put people into leagues.

I also have some public profile, and some men seem to not cope with that (thinking they don't play in the same league), and a few seem to be obsessed with that and date the idea of me, not the person underneath.

I'm truly not sure how to find a way around it all.

Would love someone that initially doesn't know much about me or ideally we don't even know what each other really look like, and just bond on the basis of ideas, talking, common values. Or meeting someone IRL, of course the way they move, their presence, what they wear, can create that initial attraction. But I just hate the idea of a guy going in their head 'I want a redhead with a small waist and big boobs under 5ft 5, oh look, there's one, let's see if she's game'. I just don't want to date that kind of guy.

Suppose with Mr RFP🚩, he didn't really know much about me, still doesn't, I was just 'the cute girl at the party', and I didn't expect him to be such a deep person. So with him, it feels as close to someone liking me for me as it has recently gotten (and maybe despite of me, because we have totally different backgrounds), not trying to woo me with expensive dates and weird compliments.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have an issue with an expensive date, but it's about the motivation behind.

Just feeling a bit sad today and wondering if I'll ever get what I want in this 21st century world where everything and everyone is so commodified.

@ElleintheWoods There’s years of backstory to this! But I don’t think he’s equipped to be in a relationship with anyone. He said this years ago and I should have believed him. His MH has been poor and I made too many allowances for this. He could never trust anyone and that’s the crux of it. He did make progress and we met each others families. Our DC’s are still good friends and loved it when we went on holiday together. When things were good it was fantastic, we had real chemistry.
But I wanted a relationship and he wanted to casually date when he had no other plans. Whenever I questioned anything he’d ghost me for days. I was always the one to open communication, then set aside my own needs to keep the peace.
I wanted to make plans to live together and blend our lives, and made this really clear when we got back together once. If he didn’t want that I said we should end it there. He agreed. Then did nothing about it. He’d shut down any conversation about what kind of house we might both like so we could plan to move in future years. I wasn’t even wanting it immediately.
I think he’ll spend his life procrastinating, with the occasional fling thrown in to turn his head temporarily, but ultimately end up alone. This is what he wants, so I left him to it.
Bumble seems to be quite busy today. Although Ive run out of men I’ve had 3 matches this morning from previous swipes so let’s see what happens!

Just seen your next post and thankfully I don’t have a public presence, but I agree that some men see us as a commodity and not a person with all the complexities and benefits that come with that!

So one of my last remaining single mates got married yesterday and it was , well, a wedding. It was OK until it got a bit loud and then I knew it was going to be time to go home soon.

This wedding had decided that all singles were going to be on a singles table just for the food section of the wedding which I wasn’t sure about but I didn’t know much about it till i got there. Now there had been some time invested in the whole wedding. We had ice breaker questions to ask each other, and im sure the idea was to spark interest in each other.

You had to introduce yourself to the table, say how long you’d been single and then tell everyone something interesting. Two women went first at there was 4 men and 6 women and then i went and immediately found there was a sense of shock. At “I’m (no names here ) and I’ve been single 20 years on November the 5th and Pogonophobia is a fear of beards” one women said “two years ? That’s a long time isn’t it ?” I had to correct her and said “no, it’s 20 years”. The bloke next to me dropped his knife.

More stories were shared and it’s fair to say that i was about as popular as a horny dog in a Miss Lovely Legs competition. The other three men went on a drinking bender in the garden, where testosterone flowed liberally and the women fought over which one they were taking home. I thought when a scuffle broke out over which of the Fast and the Furious films were best it was probably time to hide somewhere.

The groom, who is a personal friend I have known for years, was lovely about it and knew my brain was a bit full and couldn’t take much more, so I went home with his blessing and relaxed with a complete history of the Soviet Empire box set, with some nice fruit and yoghurt and hot tea.

Looking at it today, im still not sure what i did wrong. So there we are - say no to weddings.

@Brightbluesomething he sounds like my ex. Frustrating x

@ElleintheWoods sorry you're sad. I don't think you'll find unconditional romantic love, I don't think it exists, but I think you'll find equal, straightforward love in time ❣️

@Thatsthebottomline that sounds hideous and I'm so glad you escaped!

Sadly the apps has made people commodified it's gross but it's true. I dont know if proper true love exists anymore.

@Brightbluesomething Gosh! In fairness that sounds like someone I attempted to date for a while. Agree with everything you've written down to a t. Pleased the kids still get on though and it's all calm and settled.

@Thatsthebottomline Weddings are f**g horrendous, I'm sorry. You're a very honest person, aren't you? Tea and soviet box set actually sound delightful, what box set was it?

@Nosdacariad @Kat888 I'm not sure, I still believe in it. My ex DP probably loves me unconditionally, even though I sometimes frustrate the hell out of him, for example I'm still the beneficiary of his will and if anybody would hurt me, they'd be in big trouble with him. I generally feel that some men from my past deeply care for me and if I called them in the middle of the night, even as an old wrinkly lady, they'd probably come and deal with whatever situation I was in.

But I'd love to meet someone who sees the real me, can handle it, and also, crucially, wants to stay up with me all night. Unfortunately that seems to be a challenge. Men seem to be really comfortable being vulnerable with me, taking me to days out, meeting their families and friends... and then putting me to bed at the end of the day and tucking me in like I'm their sister.

Even Mr RFP 🚩who I literally went for because I thought he was promiscuous. He has offered to come round and fix my broken shower, and probably wants to talk about his childhood trauma, not what underwear I might have on.

And then the ones who are interested in said underwear are superficial and transactional.

Yeah, definitely being emotional today, I'm sorry.

Did anyone actually have any fun dates this weekend?

@ElleintheWoods - not sure if you mean dating in general or with my current guy. I'd say 'flakiness' was the issue with all of us, lol. I had several 'irons' on the go and meeting up with whoever asked - FOMO I guess.
Previously with current guy, we both had kids at school, add that to shift work, it just became too frustrating. I also lived with my ex for several years. Now I have my own home, both our kids are older.

At my age, I really don't mind a genuine compliment and sorry to report, even if it's on the back of negging others. I work hard to maintain my aging looks/figure, lol. I'm very down to earth in looks and nature, which men seem to love

@Thatsthebottomline - you are great at painting a picture, sorry the wedding and unexpected 'singles table' didn't appeal. Out of interest, if you've been single 20 yrs, why are you dating now? Is there a backstory I've missed? Didn't no one ask you at the table?