Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Haha answered my own Q.

I asked Mr Copper if he was 100% single and POOF! 🌬he vanished.

@ElleintheWoods Great that you are living your authentic life and feeling good about it. I could do with taking a leaf out of your book at times!

For me the independence comes from learning at quite a young age that I could really only depend on myself. As an adult I’m self sufficient to a fault. Earlier this year I had to have surgery and it was strongly advised I needed someone to take care of me for 12 hours after. I felt worse about that than the actual surgery! And ended up a taking ex up on his offer to look after me (we had only recently split at that point). Bloody disaster, although that’s another story altogether. But yes I’m very used to living away from family and friends and have lived in many different countries.

I'm not sure if it’s so much damsel in distress that men like, so much as women they feel they themselves can be vulnerable around. Perhaps @BeAppleNowcan shed some light for us!

As for Mr Nomad’s temperament, I’m still very much getting to know him, but like me he seems to be a mix of very confident at times, and but on occasion really lacking in confidence. In fact, it was me who made the first move on our first date!

@BoxOfCats Pros and cons I think. I do the things I like, eg lots of cultural events and trips, but often I do them alone, my best mate is a likeminded guy but outside of that, people have other commitments, meaning they might not want to spend their leisure time/ money doing the elaborate things I do.

However I’m more than open to meeting someone through these activities.

Being with a partner, unless they’re super similar to you, requires more compromise than I currently make.

On that note, do you find yourselves doing things you don’t necessarily love, but they feel like what you should do when in a relationship? Eg watching tv, dining out several times a week or drinking wine aren’t things I’d often choose to do, but in a dating/ relationship scenario they feel like what one should do?

I’m perhaps not quite as self sufficient as you, I looove being treated like a big baby sometimes when I’m already close to someone, eg really appreciate being looked after when sick. However I tend to usually see myself as the one that needs to take care of the other person without counting on them to take care of me, as that’s how my relationship with my parents was. I also don’t tend to run my decisions past others, whereas I hear that in other couples many things are discussed together. Eg I would never consider asking my partner’s permission if I should apply for x job or spend money on y, as I don’t consider as something that affects anyone other than me. Sorry, that sounds selfish and horrible, promise I’m not 🤣 I just consider two people in a relationship as independent people that can do as they please, with their shared part being love and commitment to one another, and supporting each other near unconditionally.

Yes @BeAppleNow , would be good to hear what you think!

I’m a (very much unlicensed 🤣) therapist for men, so they’re definitely more than comfortable being vulnerable around me! They just ask for me to open up to them too and I don’t usually have much to say. So it can be a little one-sided. How do you think that might affect the connection?

Oh, first move! That’s actually really interesting! How did you know it would be welcome? I’m not sure if I’ve ever made the first move on someone even though many times I’ve grown frustrated and wanted to. By first move I mostly mean kissing.

So guys, have any of you any experience of matching with someone, chatting to them, deciding it’s a no cause they’re just a bit full on, then changing your mind?

I’ve been chatting to someone for a couple of weeks. He was sending messages that were a bit graphic and asking for photos all the time. I asked him not to ask for photos and he stopped. By his own admission he’s got a high sex drive and he’s always after it, but I have to say, some of the messaging is quite fun/hot. I’ve hung around cause I think there’s more to him, he’s had an interesting life and has a good job in a role where you have to care about people. I think it’s just a bit of bravado but I’m not sure. I’m
possibly meeting him later but I can see where it’s going and I’m not sure I should, then again it might be the best night of my life, thoughts?

Hi @PinkNeonSignI guess it’s a good sign he wants to meet up? I can’t seem to get that far 🙈just be careful if you do go - take precautions don’t trust him yet - but why not if you’re up for some fun you might as well - life is short 😂😂see what the others think as well though

Hmm, I dunno @Ceci693 maybe I’m counting my chickens cause it’s a bit of a ‘see you later on, I’ll let you know what time’ kind of arrangement and he seems to have gone a bit quiet! He seems very self confident, but maybe he isn’t! x

Well it’s better than the offer I had last night that I was “welcome” to join him and his mates on a night out on Saturday !! Or if not he could possibly do sat 15th . Honestly why are they on dating apps if they don’t want to date I don’t get it. This guys profile even says he’s not into long term texting but he prefers to meet up in person . Yeh right .

@PinkNeonSign Please let us know how it goes, or doesn't!

@Ceci693 Guys love attention and chat. Sadly it's my experience also that actually going out is a struggle, unless it happens pretty quickly. I've had a couple of guys recently that have initially asked, I've said I can't do the day they're suggesting but haven't made an effort to counter it with another offer, as I feel they should. They then text enthusiastically daily and even chase me if I don't reply, but there's no new suggestion of meeting up. I told one that I didn't want to chat anymore and got a reply like 'oh we can meet if that's what you want'.

To be honest I'd only be interested if he shows a high level of enthusiasm, and I am also excited about him. If not, no loss.

Wonder if that's how many people think.

@ElleintheWoodsyes it’s depressing isn’t it. So many guys but no actual dates. Mr old is still attentive. Mr Russian txt this morn but nothing tonight. I’m determined not to chase him. Mr Francais popped up last night and we chatted til 3 am on txt. I really like this guy he’s my fav by far: but again I’m not chasing him so. I did say to him I didn’t think I’d hear from him again - he left it a week - but he said don’t be silly?! So dunno/ am not chasing these guys. All the advice says not to but it’s frustrating. Like do they even want a relationship . Unless it’s just to me and they r going out with other women. Anyway im getting a bit down about it all having been excited at the beginning.

Trouble is it’s hard to leave it when there’s a chance ! Am just not as happy on my own as I was before I started all this ! It’s chasing that high you get when it “works” but if it’s so hard to find is it worth it . What do we think

@Ceci693 I think we’ve gotta give it a go, I just don’t know how else people meet one another now.

I met the guy tonight, had a walk along the beach in the dark which was nice. He’s very confident (and quite posh) had a bit of a fumble, not feeling it to be honest. Still like MrElusive but he’s gone again 🙄

The quest continues x

I do think most relationships involve some element of compromise. My ex of 10 years for example was not only into dining out much more than I was, he was into birdwatching in a big way. It tended to dictate some of our leisure activities as well as where we went on holiday together. To some extent I’m happy to accommodate things like that because if it makes the other person happy then I’m happy, the issue for me is if it feels one way and like I’m the only one compromising, or if we are just such fundamentally different people that it feels like a compromise all the time.

Interesting about the therapist dynamic. I don’t really know the answer to how that might affect the connection. I guess if they’re looking for you to do the same it won’t help much if they’re trying to get to know you below the surface level stuff?

Ah, so the first move! We had FaceTimed, and even though it was just a video call it was just instant chemistry. Same sense of humour, lots of banter, thought he was attractive and articulate. We ended up chatting for 90 mins and at the end he suggested a date the following weekend, and that he would drive the 2 hours to see me. Chatting during the week, I mentioned that it felt like there was genuine chemistry and he agreed. So I definitely got a good sense before the date that he was quite interested. Aaaand between the video chat and first date, there may have been a couple of semi-sexy (but still tasteful!) photos exchanged on both sides 😬

Then meeting for the first time in person - as soon as i saw him it was instant attraction. Chatting was a little awkward at first - probably because I was so damn nervous! But it wasn’t long before the chemistry kicked in again. He didn’t actually give me any particular signal - I basically ended up having too much wine, thought “fuck it, I really like him” and ended up inviting him back to my place 😂 Oops.

I do think that’s kind of how the dating apps keep people hooked - it’s the constant stream of people with the promise that the next one might potentially offer what you’re looking for. There are many more lows than highs, but the next high is always just around the corner…

What’s been helpful for me is to have high standards but low expectations. I kind of just view the dating process as a form of entertainment. If something good comes out of it then great, but I basically just expect that 99% of matches/dates will go absolutely nowhere.

I personally have also found it extremely hard to judge what connection will be like in real life based on messaging. At best, it’s been a good way to filter people out (e.g. if they say something that makes me realise it’s not a good fit) and that’s about it. So I usually will message for a couple of days then ask to meet, unless they’ve said/done something that makes me think it’s not a good fit / they’re not that interested.

Ahhh that’s a shame it wasn’t quite the right fit. Still… onwards and upwards!

I think one of the problems is I seem to be matching with guys who are far away. Maybe I will change my settings as I live in a big city so there must be guys around😄
@PinkNeonSign that’s a pity if the chemistry wasn’t there. It’s always the ones you’re not that keen on who are keen to meet up isn’t it.

think i have locked in a date with Mr Russian for the weekend. Yay. I’m not sure he’s long term material - I don’t think he has any money - but it will be fun to meet up and be complimented - he is very attentive which is refreshing !

am hankering after Mr francais but not sign of him at the moment. Maybe I’m being too strict about not messaging him. I’ll leave it a few more days and the ask you guys again…. Probably I should leave him alone right .

mr old is still texting me - sigh. Well I suppose he can have a pass as he is sick. He’s quite near too so no reason we can’t do a date. But will wait and see.

am not getting hardly any matches atm. Maybe I should move to a different app . You seem to get loads at the beginning

I think I have this replying working..

Damsel in Distress - I think most men like to feel like a hero once and a while - help someone out- but there is a limit to that, being overtly masculine is obviously frowned on in society these days - so you have to be a bit cautious when offering help -

Does anyone on here use “Our Time “, or should that be “ waste of time “, seems to be dead loss for me - not many people in my area and those that are seem so unresponsive 🤷🏼‍♂️

Sounds encouraging @Ceci693 it’ll be good practise even if you’re not that sure about him, what will you do, drinks, walk?

My date last night was a bit of a scruff, he needed a shave and his teeth cleaned, that’s not asking too much is it?!

I only turned to OLD cause I left someone behind in a previous job that I cared about more than I realised. He gave mixed signals and I never knew of he was single not. I miss him, and I could contact him but I’m scared of making a fool of myself so I’ve been distracting myself with this in the hopes I’ll meet someone who’ll make it all go away. Not so far though! x

Interesting point about not being available for a particular day - I would have thought that the person being asked out might have countered with another day, kinda “ unfortunately I cannot make Friday , but am free Saturday “, or something along those lines

@BeAppleNowi heard that Our Time was a waste of time 😂

that’s a pity @PinkNeonSignabout your colleague. All the advice seems to be let the man chase and don’t chase them - if they like you they will contact you. It’s hard though as a lot of them seem so dozy . Your date last night doesn’t seem great tbh🤣bit of a cheap date too a walk on the beach - did you get a drink as well. I think I’d at least want a drink or they are obvs not invested.

another guy has come back - not sure if I named him - maybe Mr serious as I’m not sure if he has a sense of humor !! He’s hinting at meeting at the weekend but is being a bit coy. Just ask me you dozy yoke 🤣🤣

not sure what I’m doing with Mr Russian. Am traveling an hour so I’m expecting lunch or a coffee at the very least. He told me he will find a place for us “to sit” . I’m assuming somewhere inside 😁🙈probably just a language thing I’m hoping he doesn’t mean in a park or something !!!

Yeah @Ceci693 I posted on here about it at the time under a different name an the advice was quite split between ‘if he wanted to, he would’ and ‘just tell him, you’ve got nothing to lose’ I don’t think I’d make a move without knowing if he’s single, I suppose that’s why the apps are good, I know it’s not 100% guaranteed they’re single but at least you know they’re looking x

Nice work @BoxOfCats !

@PinkNeonSign shame about the chemistry ☹️

Nothing doing here, endless inane messages.

@Ceci693 Oh let me help you out with one of your questions... No, most do not want a relationship! Some of them don't even know it themselves, but the majority of people you'll be interacting with on the app do not want one.

@BoxOfCats Haha, I've had a long back and forth about ChatGPT today about the therapist dynamic and think I have it more or less figured out. To top it off my ex from aaages ago texted me today and said something along the lines of 'I'm not really comfortable opening up to anyone but I've always felt so comfortable talking to you'. I think I replied something like 'yeah, don't you think I know that, I have 10 guys pouring their hearts out and nobody that wants to sleep with me!'

I think there's certain activities that are a compromise to both... E.g. let's say neither person in the couple likes wine and cheese, but they can tolerate it, so they go for wine and cheese. Instead of, erm, say bird watching, which one loves and the other's ok with?

Mmmm, spicy! I like your style. I'm not sure I could do that, I just struggle to trust anyone quickly, it's almost like a vetting process with me. But I have initiated sex before in a similar way, e.g. 'well I was just thinking you could come over' way if I've got bored of all the talking. I did with Mr RedFlagParade🚩 for example.

@Ceci693 Yes changing settings might help, would you realistically date someone 50 miles away? When I was OLDing my setting was 10 miles max.

Out of interest, why does having no money rule Mr Russian out? Are you looking for marriage etc? Date should be fun though!

I've mentioned this on this thread before but I was on a date with a guy who I already quite liked from chats and previous dates, he had a good chance. And then he said something like 'by the way, I have 500K in a savings/ pension and almost no mortgage'. Instantly went from 'interested' to 'not at all interested' as that line dropped.

@BeAppleNow I've found that guys love that 'hero' thing. I.e. if they've helped you with something, they're suddenly acting so invested in you. It doesn't even have to be something overly masculine, with me it's things like teaching me a skill I've not yet mastered in a working context, helping me find a new job if I dislike the old one, lending a listening ear if I'm having a bad day etc. But that can only be used sparingly, I'd think that if they constantly have to fix your life, they end up not respecting you.

To be honest in the cases where I didn't offer an alternative date and time, I wasn't hugely invested in going on said date. But that's also my general MO now, as previously I've been too eager and accommodating. If I actually really like someone, they'll know, as I'll be asking them. I'm not very patient when I really want something/ someone. Apparently it's not the usual thing for women to ask guys though as they seemed shocked at first.

Do you thnk the fact that I often dodge incoming calls when I'm busy, or if they ask me and I don't offer a different time back, sends the signal that I'm not interested in them?

@PinkNeonSign How long ago was this? Do you feel you're dating to move on from this person, using it as a bit of a distraction? Did you ever go out/ get any time outside of work?

@ElleintheWoodsyes ur right of course im not looking for a provider so money doesn’t really matter. I would love to have money spent on me extravagantly just once in my life though !

wow Mr Russian is really growing on me - we had amazing chemistry tonight messaging - I just hope it is the same in real life/ yes I matched with this guy when I was visiting my daughter - bumble seemed to know where I was and started throwing up guys near her 😀he sent me a voice note and omg I love his voice - so we shall see. Meeting on Sunday I’m excited to see him watch this space