Dating thread 53 - 2025. Cuffing Season

[ElleintheWoods]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
• Develop a thick skin
• Do not invest emotionally too soon
• It's all BS until it actually happens
• Trust your gut instinct
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
• Know your wortH
• If it's not fun, stop
• Loo update is mandatory
• No dating the thread
• Treat others as you'd like to be treated
• Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
• The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
• OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@bluedabadeedabadoo I hope you don't mind me commenting as I'm not an active thread participant ( single, just still at the stage of not being ready to engage with OLD though due to previous mishaps, so not a lot to report anyway) but don't regret this - ultimately what you will gain from the conversation is further insight into his true intentions. You were fair to cut some slack over Christmas as it's a hectic time and most people have less headspace for messaging. Also many of us wouldn't be willing to commit without knowing the sex part of the connection was good, so there's nothing wrong with the fact it's being discussed. What will be telling is his reaction from here in. Just remember that his response reflects more on him than you - there's no reason for you to feel bad if it turns out he is primarily interested in only sex, it just means he wasn't actually being that honest in the first place, in which case you've been clear about what you want and he can't offer that, so stick to those boundaries and NEXT!

@Nosdacariad I imagine there will be a new thread once we hit page 40, yes 😊I'm not super active here right now so happy for anyone to start it. Don't make promises you can't keep tho 😉

@bluedabadeedabadoo Everyne always says they want a relationship. Doesn't rule out a few flings along the way though.

Remember he's a psychologist - so he's better at these games than most. Did he avoid responding to your invitation of plans to test of you stick around, how invested you are? And after the sex chat he's established in his head that you'd be up for nipping around?

It depends on what you want. Sex is of course a part of a relationship, and everyone gets there at different speeds. Some guys try to push for it early, some not at all.

So depends on what you want out of it.

For me for example it's important that a relationship is sexual, so if I am keen and ready to sleep with the guy (which unfortunately I rarely am), I'd have gladly 'nipped around'. But if you aren't ready and don't want that, then I'd possibly step back from that dynamic.

As for my own news, I'm heading to a solo city break in Paris tonight, for art and culture, but secretly hoping to lock eyes with a handsome stranger. Clearly been watching too many romantic comedies over Christmas!

@EarlNeedsAHomethankyou. That makes me feel a bit better and you are right. I suppose now is his chance to show me what his intentions are.

@ElleintheWoodsfirstly I said for him to ‘let me know’ when he was free and he said he would and didn’t provide a date. They a few days later I said that we haven’t arranged our 3rd date yet and could we get it in the diary. He said realistically it would be after the 2nd but didn’t commit. Incidentally the day he wants me to ‘nip round’ is before the 2nd don’t feels like he has availability if sex is on the cards.
Yer the vibe we were both giving during the chat is that we both want to engage in sex etc so I see why he would think that, but what upsets me is the suggestion of ‘nipping round’ on a date he was previously not available, opposed to actually setting up a 3rd date.
I am up for it, but not as something casual, only with a view to progressing to a relationship.

@BoxOfCatsthankyou. Although he has been non committal with arranging a date, the communication has been pretty good so I figure why would he stick around (before the sex chat) if he wasn’t interested.

So he did reply with quite an ambiguous response that he does want a relationship be he doesn’t know if things will work out (well neither of us does 🤷‍♀️)

I felt I needed to explain why I felt like this and mentioned that his suggestion felt like a ‘hook up’ when he hadn’t suggested any concrete plans for a date until sex was on the cards.

He then replied saying he was glad I said something that he does want to have sex but not in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable or like a hook up and that wasn’t his intention.

He then said he likes me and is attracted to me but he doesn’t want either of us feeling this HAS to turn into something serious (although said he is open to that). He said he’s more into seeing how things feel and keeping it easy and fun, without pressure on either of us.

I was a bit confused about this and can’t work out if he was backtracking what he was saying at the start (re wanting a long term relationship) or whether he is talking about the natural progressing of seeing how things go before determining it is a ‘relationship’ but then isn’t that obvious?

I then told him what I want which is to date, (regularly as I don’t want a pen pal and I want to develop real connection not just over text) have sex, have fun, do things together such as meals, drinks, trips out, nights in etc with a view to a relationship that could become serious if that was right for us both…but that I however wouldn’t want to just date casually long term.
He said that he agrees and doesn’t see the point of casual dating long term.

I feel glad I’ve brought this up and made it clear that i do want to date… let’s see if he comes back to me re plans for Friday.
I haven’t told him about my last relationship yet where I was blind sighted after 2 years which does contribute to my worries. I am worried that this could go the same way so I am hyper vigilant- but it’s just too early to tell yet x

@bluedabadeedabadoo it sounds like you did a great job of communicating your needs, that was impressive.

From what you have said it sounds quite positive from him, and importantly you have called him on potential BS so if he sticks around he'll know where your standards are.

Thankyou. I thanked him this morning for listening to me and not making me feel like I had done something wrong by bringing this up but he has said again about not wanting to rush thing, etc. I think this is making me uneasy as I haven’t said anything at all to make him believe that I’m viewing this as anything more than dating. I’ve checked the messages and I haven’t been too heavy or mentioned the future or anything like that at all so I am a bit puzzled.

He's quite at liberty to not want to rush things and that sounds wise, and that can include sex 🙂

Absolutely but I feel he has got the impression I want to rush things and I’m not sure where that’s some from. He has made it clear that he is up to progress things sexually.

I know FA about FA but...

Green flag, listening to your POV respectfully.

Potential amber flag, making you feel like you have given the impression you want to move fast. If you think you haven't then 99% sure you haven't, but it could be a way to train you not to ask for what you want for fear of being seen to be trying to move too fast.

Also potential amber flag, saying he's up for sex but not wanting to rush things...

If you back off from the sex, what does he do?

Speaking honestly @bluedabadeedabadoo… what he’s said to you has made me feel uneasy due to an experience I had with a man like this.

He didn’t want to commit, but wouldn’t be upfront enough to say so and so would dangle the carrot of a potential relationship under the “guise” of seeing where it goes!

The ironic thing was, I didn’t even know if I wanted a relationship with him! it’s laughable now that he had us both thinking he was some catch who I must have been desperate to pin down to a relationship 🤣But he automatically assumed I did and behaved as if I was trying to rush him.

I played right into his hands by then being super cool, zero pressure and “relaxed” about our situation which ultimately turned into a mindfuck for me.

I think if you’re fine with FWB, no strings and no expectations- keep going, but if you’re looking for something more solid or think you might develop feelings, walking away might be the best option.

This is exactly how I feel
here…. of course no one knows how things will progress and I may decide he isn’t for me but yes it feels like he’s now the one calling the shots but I’m not sure how it’s ended up like this when we matched because we both said our ultimate goal was a long term relationship, and he actually said in the first couple of messages that he wasn’t looking for a FWB type relationship.

Well doesn’t want to rush things in terms of relationship status, but was happy to invite me round for what was definitely going to be a hook up on Tuesday.
When I see him I’m going to ask if I’ve said something that’s given him the impression that I’m jumping ahead. He’s not giving anything away over text. All I can think is that he has misinterpreted something I’ve said. I’ve asked for some plans to be made re dating but nothing is going anywhere without that so it can’t be that.

Mr Mod's report card

On the plus side, I found him physically attractive, he had good basic manners, took initiative with organising and paying, said I looked like my photos, checked I got home safely, and seemed socially competent (if you don't count seating me with my back to the room).

On the downside, I noticed a slightly sneery tone at times, a mildly patronising comment about me being nervous when I wasn’t, physical familiarity that felt a bit forward, quite rigid views (Brexit, dismissive comments about Gen Z), a sense of self-importance around money, job instability framed as other people’s fault, and I felt he was Owl to my Tigger. I ended the date feeling a little flat.

Sounds like the report card is a fail then! 😩 Sorry to hear that!

@bluedabadeedabadoo I agree with what @justsurvivingnotthrivingwrote. It has all the hallmarks of someone who doesn’t want to commit but wants to give you the impression he is up for a long term relationship.

And OLD is full of them. I’ve heard it said that some men claim to want a LTR when really they’re only looking for sex because they think they’ll attract better quality women (their words not mine)

@BoxOfCats we'll see 🙂

Sorry bluedabadeedabadoo but I agree, I was reading along thinking 'I've had pretty much this exact conversation with men who had no intention of anything serious'.

And agree with TwistedWonder I was told by one man that he just says serious relationship just to have more choice of women.

Nosdacariad Oh so not completely perfect but not completely awful? What are you going to do? The rigid views would put me off the most, I think.

@TwistedWonder@BoxOfCats@justsurvivingnotthriving @Nosdacariad

I joined FAB and( left within 24 hours). I was shocked to soo so many people on there who are on the dating sites seeking a LTR!

I don’t know what to do…..do I just shut it down now and move on or give him a chance now I’ve made my intentions clear and pulled him up on the invite for a hook up? Part of me thinks I give him this week to set a date and if that still doesn’t materialise, move on.
I do worry that he is bread crumbing me though…. Just giving me enough to keep hanging on.
Since I’ve shut down the sex talk and brought this issue up, communication has been fine and seems back to normal, but it’s hard to really gauge through text.

@Nosdacariad that doesn’t sound like you got much out of the date. I presume you don’t want to see him again?

Yep and I was in that situation for 2 years so I’m petrified of going there again.

bluedabadeedabadoo Oh it's so difficult isn't it. Maybe go with your plan of giving him a week, although that also seems a little too long!

I may approach a second date with curiosity and I agree about the rigid views - but I challenged them and he took that so we'll see.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I'll try once more and see. I think so long as you are clear in your own mind what you're available for and not available for, you can give him a chance to course-correct or just say "Next".

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, so if it were me I’d continue but watch very carefully what his actual behaviour signals rather than listen to what he actually says.

@NervesOfCotton @Nosdacariad well I’m away this week so I couldn’t meet up anyway even if the offer was there but if there’s no plan to see him at the weekend it will have been 2 weeks since the last date. It’s a long time…. I hate the focus being on messaging and I want to actually date. I just can’t fathom it.

Should I ask him now? (Since he’s had a day to check if he does have his kids at the weekend) or let him come to me?