How to handle an angry partner?

[holleeamara]

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

Leave.

Obviously you leave him immediately. Don't subject your child to this behavior too.

Like I said, I’m looking for a solution before I give up. I don’t want people telling me to blindly “leave”. This is a man I love and care for, he is also the father of my unborn child.

As I stated, I’m looking for a solution before I leave him. I’d like to hear from other women who have maybe dealt with this situation. I’m not just going to up and leave at 16 weeks pregnant. It’s not that easy.

There is no solution. You're putting your child in danger, if you stay.

Honestly I think you’re kidding yourself. The anger might not be directed at you at the moment, but it will be one day, or it’ll be directed at your child. Foot rubs and material bollocks are not worth your peace and happiness.

I’m not sure about “danger”, this man is not dangerous.

It's not easy but it's what you have to do.

There is no solution. If he consistently acts like this, thats who he is. He will never change and his behaviour is simply not good enough and shouldn't be tolerated.

Leave now, or leave in 5 miserable years, or 10, or after he hits you... but you need to leave.

Maybe.. I was just trying to state that this isn’t the complete dynamic of the relationship. But when it does happen, I don’t know what to do.

Thank you for your input, I do appreciate it.

Do you really honestly think this is a good environment to raise a child in? How is he going to handle a baby just being a baby?

You need to leave. Do you want to wait and see what happens when your baby cries, or your toddler knocks over a glass of water?
You say the anger isn't directed at you, but you feel it emotionally. You cry. This is not a healthy way to bring children into the world.
He needs anger management and counselling and it doesn't sound like he would be open to that. And I wouldn't advise you to suggest it given his propensity to rage.
You need to talk to your midwife and women's aid and make a safe plan to leave..

So what will happen when your baby/toddler knocks something over accidently and he kicks off then around the baby? If your not going to leave him I'd be asking him to complete anger management therapy at the very least and get onto of it before the baby arrives

Perhaps not. The pregnancy was unexpected, and I found out quite late on.. I haven’t had much time to digest and think these things through. I’d like to believe that he may get angry at himself, but would not get angry at a child.

I’d like to think he wouldn’t react like that if a baby/toddler did it. He only seems to get angry at himself for making mistakes. I’m really not sure.

You’re not a rehabilitation centre for a badly behaved man. And yes I can control it, he chooses not to. I guarantee he doesn’t act like this at work or with friends

He’s an agressive man whose behaviour is borderline abuse - you can’t fix him you hade to think of yourself and your unborn child. I’d this an environment you think a child should grow up in?

If he's fine with shouting and swearing around you, at a level that makes you cry, then what makes you think he won't do this to a child?

Even if he isn't physically violent (and I doubt he'll stay that way), he is still abusive.

You’re right, thank you. It just hurts to see someone you love behave like this. I never planned to have children, and now it’s happening it’s put a lot into perspective and made me think about things I never had to think about before. The thought of being a single mother before baby even arrives makes me feel like a failure.

What kind of a solution were you thinking of? The only solution here is for you to leave, I appreciate that's not what you want to hear.

You say that he is not dangerous. A man who is not in control of his behaviour and has lost his temper to the point he is throwing things around his pregnant wife is dangerous. If you add a new born baby and all the pressure that brings into this situation, it's not going to get any better. If you don't like it, you can surely imagine that a child will also not only not like it, but will feel more scared than you, you can contextualise it, you're an adult.

Contact Women's Aid, describe what is going on, they have heard it all before and can advise you from a professional standpoint of how best to move forward to keep you as safe as possible.

Instead of crying just roll your eyes and walk away. Tell him he's acting like a spoilt mardy twat.
Not everyone that acts like this is dangerous, they just can't control their emotions. If you've known him for 12 years and married now it's about time you told him to grow up.

But you say he is raging today because the cats knocked over something....

Shouting and banging around is terrifying for babies and children. It intrinsically affects how their brains wire and develop.

I am genuinely sorry you are experiencing this and my response is quite blunt as I work with children who have been brought up in this environment (and worse) and I cannot begin to describe the impact this type of behaviour can have.
I really hope you are able to find the strength to leave. You would never be a failure for making a choice to protect your child from abuse.

I can see and get what you’re asking, you’re saying you’re not leaving and you want to work towards a solution. Unfortunately, the breadth of us on here are coming from real experience and saying that what you want is almost non-existent. Change of abusive behaviour is vanishingly rare. We can’t advise you because I doubt you’ll find anyone on here that’s turned an abuser around. We’ve probably all been there (I have), and tried and tried and tried for our marriages and “for the kids” and we’re telling you it doesn’t work because it just doesn’t work. Men who think it’s ok to rage and smash things over split water are not people that you can change with pressure, begging, or pleading. He’s a bully and he won’t change.

My ex husband was like this. No amount of my strength or fortitude could bend him to my will and make him a decent human being. I stayed for my kids until he turned on them and then he was gone as I was not having that at all. At no point was there any change or true remorse.

I think perhaps because plenty of parents who have issues keep them hidden from children, I’d like to think he would do the same when the time comes.

There is no solution other than to leave. Give this child your surname going forward too rather than his. You clearly do not know this man as well as you thought you did.

I doubt very much he has ADHD and besides which his behaviour towards you is abusive. Abuse often ramps up in pregnancy too. You’re going to tell me next he’s had a tough childhood. Well many people do and they do not go onto abuse those they profess to love.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no one would want to be with them. He’s been showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse this whole time.

Abuse is about power and control and he can likely control himself around other people. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviour. Get him out of your home and life before he completely destroys all you hold dear.