How to handle an angry partner?

[holleeamara]

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

Don’t get involved any deeper with a “fixer-upper”

Oh love. This is domestic violence. You cannot “fix” this.

Ok this might be slightly different but im married and have 3 children with my husband.

For the past couple of years I dont want to say he was angry it felt more like exhasperation, little things became huge things, he made mountans out of molehills, he started shouting alot, not aggressivly but angrly. It seemed he couldnt have a normal coversation without getting annoyed, his communication was shocking.

He is a fantastic father, and is very commited to our family, he makes me feel desired and loves me alot.

But i was fucking misrable, he had chipped away at me, i was so deeply unhappy, i was withdrawn, edgy in my own home, anxious.

Anyways one night it happened again and i offloaded, i told him everything, how i was misrable, how i wanted to leave, at this point i didnt care who was wrong i just knew i hated our marrage, i loved him but i didnt have it in me anymore, i didnt want to be mean to him and i didnt want to blame him because quite frankly i was exhausted and done. I told him i was a shell of myself, i didnt recognise myself when i was with him.

The utter shock in him was something i hadnt really seen, he didnt interupt me once, he just stood and listened quietly, once i was done he said how sorry he was, how he was 100% to blame and that he would change.

And from that day he did, its been a few years now and we are happily married, of course we can have times when we disagree but nothing ever like what it was.

My husband is a good person, loyal and commited, i dont know what was going on with him, maybe it was stress, his mum wasnt well so perhaps that but really it doesnt matter what it was, he changed.

Don't be embarrassed love, and you are not a disappointment - as @AttilaTheMeerkat says, he has pretended to be nice to reel you in, but that's not who he really is.

There is a meme on fb which says that the person you see at the end of a relationship is the real one, not the person you met at the beginning, and that could not be more true; my XH got very nasty very quickly when I told him I wanted a divorce, couldn't be more different to the sweet loving and affectionate chap I thought I had finally met...it has been hard to realise I had been taken in, but life has been so much easier without him in it, being a single mum is a lot easier than living with that kind of fear and tension, for you and your child.

This reply has made me very tearful. Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about your previous partner. Some days I feel like he’s going to be the best father, other days I feel like he’s struggling to even be kind to himself. It’s very conflicting, and I’m very confused. We can go weeks without even the slightest problem, then suddenly everything is the end of the world. I myself am very “oh well” about things in life that go wrong, because it’s the only way I can manage stressful situations. It’s hard being with someone who doesn’t understand that not everything needs a reaction. Thank you again for your reply. I am taking everyone’s responses into deep consideration.

I’m sure they will understand, and once you have told them you will have so much more confidence in yourself and your ability to see this situation more clearly. Because you will have support.

Thank you. I’m so glad to hear that your situation turned out like that. Whilst he was behaving like this, was he still kind to the children?

Abuse thrives on secrecy, please tell your mum and other trusted relatives. Hopefully they can get you to safety too. You are not a failure at all but were taken in by a man who has turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

You are not responsible for him; only your own self and now your unborn child. You are not his mother and he’s perfectly capable of arranging blood tests (waste of time in his case) and anger management courses. He does not want to and besides which AM courses are no answer to domestic violence which is what you are describing.

The thing is, we cannot use people's childhoods to excuse their awful behaviour as adults. Perhaps it was the cause but, it's not an excuse. He's a grown man. And even though he's had you in tears at his behaviour, he hasn't bothered to seek help to change. That's not a safe person to be around. Let alone with a vulnerable little baby too.

Abusers can be lovely 90 percent of the time but...if a sandwich was 90 percent all your favourite fillings and 10 percent rat poison, would you eat the sandwich? Would you feed it to your child?

He has shown you the nice and nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He will do the self same to your child . I have no doubt whatever that if you are still with him when your child is say 3 or 4 years, your child will be in bed terrified at the sounds of things being smashed and raised voices coming from downstairs. It’s no life for you or your kid.

I think this is for me? OP you can tag people in your posts by pressing the @ button or also quoting there reply by pressing quote on the bottom left of their post.

My husband was always an amazing father to our children, as they got older and they were able to communicate better (age 9 and above) thats when i noticed it more because if they answered him back or became smarter than him in a conversation where he was telling them off he would tell them to "shut up" or say " thats the end of it"

My approach when dealing with teens was more of a conversational one and being able to let them talk and express themselves freely so i think i really started to notice it more and more as they were older and they would say to him " Why are you shouting cant you just have a normal conversation" or things like that.

Edited - sorry pressed send too soon.

But to answer your question he never lifted a finger to me or his chidren, he also never scremed in their face or acted aggressivly towards them or threw things, However, I do think at that time his behaviour would still have been somewhat damaging.

The only “solution” is him have therapy to discover and the resolve his issues. That will only happen if he he accepts and engages with a therapist.

Until then, or when hell freezes over, he won’t change.

There is no solution you can supply.

The best way is to leave him.

You will be more of a disappointment when your child is removed from you because you failed to keep it safe from a man you know to be abusive.

Oh grow up. You’re a mother now. Think of your child not the man child who created this baby.

The solution is not within your gift. This man is abusive and your child will suffer from being around an angry man with zero emotional regulation and zero ability to reflect and change. That's all there is to it. If you decide to stay that it what you're signing up for.

If his issues are due to unmedicated ADHD and a bad childhood how is he going to magically control them when a baby comes along? Either he can control himself, in which case he's choosing to abuse you, or he can't, in which case he will traumatise your baby.

You asked earlier which of his behaviours were emotional abuse. This is - when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..)

Of course he is. When your DC grows up learning to walk on eggshells and is living in a house where he/she feels scared to put a foot wrong because of dad's outbursts. Children are absolutely TERRIFIED of parent's anger and this manifests itself in all sorts of MH problems. Of course he's a bloody danger!!!

I talked like you. Trying to find solutions and to manage the anger. I was where you are. I remember being pregnant and thinking I'd trapped myself.

The best thing I could have done is to have left then. It will always be hard. The longer you leave it the harder it will become. If he can't control himself now how will he when he's tired and has the challenges of a child?

My ex's behaviour damaged my child. It's a massive thing to give a child a crap parent. I changed who they could have been and who they could have become.

They'll sense it. They'll know. They'll tip toe round him.

Your only 2 options are 1) stay and hope he improves his behaviour, but that is very unlikely, or 2) leave. There are no other options.

If he has ADHD what is he doing to address these meltdowns and explosions of anger? If he can't see that this behaviour is unacceptable then I don't think there is any hope that he will actually change, and your choices are to put up with it and expose yourself and your baby to a volatile living situation, or leave. That's it.

This is not a man suitable to have a child with. Your child won’t be safe.

Unlike many people, I do believe that a man with anger issues can improve.

But. and the BUT here is HUGE.....

It can ONLY improve if they acknowledge it's a problem, and do the hard work to fix it.

Remorse is not sufficient. If he was really remorseful, when you told him you couldn't live like this, he would look into what he can do to manage his anger. He would seek therapy. He would go to groups. He would explore tools and tactics to improve.

Remorse is completely meaningless if it's an excuse to carry on doing things.

As for not being harmful to you or the baby. Bollocks. What happens when he throws the beanbag and it hits your toddler/ When he breaks a glass and it shatters near your baby's head? When he bangs a wall and scares your child. As I tell my children all the time - if I make a mistake while driving and plough into a pedestrian, I did not MEAN to hurt them, but I'm still 100% responsible for any harm that happens to them.

He's not had this problem since you got together. He's always had this problem. Its who he is. This behaviour will make you ill and damage your child's mental health.

No. She won't be able to do that when there's a child around. She would spend all her time placating him and trying to keep him calm around the child. She'd be treading on eggshells constantly. I was stupid enough to be in a relationship with one of these for seven years. Lived with him for 3 months until I threw him out. Absolute nightmare...have never been so stressed in my life. I did manage to keep him calm but it almost killed me.

“All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this”, can’t in all honesty say i blame you. He will not improve.
Not really sure whether you can be certain what the heritable possibilities there are either.