How to handle an angry partner?

[holleeamara]

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

I really thank you for your reply. I’m unable to move away from him due to my family all being here and me being extremely close to them. We also share a few friends, so I can’t disappear off the face of the earth.. unfortunately.

I understand I cannot raise a child around this behaviour, that’s why I am hoping to put a stop to it before the arrival of the baby.

You won't. And you are completely and utterly irresponsible if you bring a new baby into your home with this man there.

But you know that deep down.

What is the situation re the property?. Whose house/flat are you living in?. If it is rented is the tenancy a joint one?

Does it happen all the time or have their been times when he doesn’t behave like this at small upsets?

Does he eat sleep and exercise well?

you say he had seizures previously, what triggered them?

Is he happy and satisfied with his life and where it’s going?

Are you married?

Is he particularly stressed about anything?

Yes you can call them or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) and it is confidential. They will advise and support you.

Thank you for your reply. Do you really think this is abusive? That hurts to hear. I just thought I was dealing with a man with temper tantrums. To think this is abuse really cuts deep. But I appreciate and value your words, thank you.

what solution are you looking for?

read Lundy Bancrofts book Angry Men, why do they do that.

that’s your solution.

in a nutshell, you can do nothing about this, he won’t change, he’ll only get worse.

you getting pregnant is one scenario where he escalates his behaviour, but just wait until you give birth!! Then it’ll be on another level.

it will only ever get worse.

get yourself and your unborn baby out of this mess before something truly tragic happens

Can you talk to him about it when he's not angry, ask why he reacts that way to pretty trivial things and explain it's not good for you while pregnant and will terrify his child. He needs other coping mechanisms, I don't know enough about it to suggest anything but there must be some out there. Just googling:

'in-the-moment techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or physical activity to cool down, and longer-term strategies such as identifying triggers, using relaxation methods like yoga or meditation, changing thought patterns (cognitive restructuring), and finding healthy ways to express feelings through journaling or talking to someone.'

You could discuss the deep breathing, counting to 10, or maybe a walk round the block if he feels like exploding. Or look for real help from a therapist.

If you are close to your friends and family and tell them that you are frightened of him because he flies off the handle and shouts and throws things, and you are scared for your safety, they will support you to leave, not expect you to stay.

If they do not support you to leave when you tell them the truth about what's going on and how you feel then you need to find professional support that will help you.

Is it possible that you have grown up with a belief that this is "normal" somehow, and you should put up and cope with it?

Does he act like a big child getting angry etc at work or with his friends. I bet he doesn't

You realise that he could kill you or your newborn baby in one of his “temper tantrums”, right?

im sorry, i know this is all a shock, but he’s abusive and escalating the violence

you’re not safe

You need to leave. You're failing as a mother if you force your child to grow up in a home with this completely unnacceptable behaviour. It will affect your child for the rest of their life. Shame on anyone who choses that and makes excuses for it because they "love" the violent man.

Months can go by without this, but sometimes it happens a few times a week. Nothing in particular seems to trigger it.. not that I’ve noticed. Yes he sleeps well. No we are not married. He’s easily stressed about everything, but I’m truly unsure why. We’re fine for money, I don’t do anything “wrong”.. I know his mother is quite emotionally unavailable and always has been. He had a bit of a tough up bringing I think. Well fed, spoilt, but not well loved.

Men throwing around temper tantrums are abusive. It’s all designed to keep you in check, on the back foot and fearful. Such men too do not change and hate women, all of them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad behave like this?.

No. Not shame. People making choices based on their beliefs and life experience and circumstances, and doing their best until they know better.

I don’t think shaming anybody is correct. This is my first time living too. This is my first baby. I’ve never been pregnant, and never been in this situation before. I have simply turned to other women and mothers for advise. It’s not like I’ve said “oh well, this is my life then!”. I’ve stated I’m aware I can’t bring a child up around him, so as a final act of love I am seeking a solution, if there be one.

OP, I take it anger management is out of the question? Seriously, though, is this the sort of behaviour you want modelled to your child? Tell him that it’s not OK to behave like a petulant toddler, and that if something minor goes wrong, he’s allowed to be momentarily cross, but that’s all. What’s he going to do when something really goes wrong? How is he in a car - he sounds dangerous if he can’t cope with his emotions. He needs to learn strategies to cope - you need to sit down and have a serious talk, and let him know that things have to change now a baby is coming into the equation. It’s not normal to throw a fit at every minor hiccup - swearing, shouting and (particularly) throwing things is really not OK. As for getting at you for crying, tell him if he weren’t so off the wall angry, you wouldn’t. Is he aware that you are considering leaving him over this? How does his own family react? My own DS has a temper, and one day at home he was about to lose it and I asked him what his newish lovely GF would say if she could see him, and that I didn’t think she’d put up with it because nobody needed to. Son has since pulled in his horns and they’ve been happily married for some years. Your DP needs to be made aware of how his anger impacts on other people, and that you are not prepared to put up with it any more, and particularly not once there is a baby.

The solution? You leave.

Anger as an emotion is not abusive. His behaviour is abusive. It leads you to have to walk on eggshells, to try to fix him, to try to calm him. In effect his anger and how it presents is controlling you. It is absolutely abusive.

I did. Many women do because they need to prioritise their child.

You can’t subject another human being to him. It would be immoral.

No, not at all. My mother left my father when I was 4, because he was a shit. He wasn’t angry, just a selfish idiot. My mum got with another man when I was 6, who was the best father I could have dreamed of. They split up when I was 12, I’m now 25 and still regularly see him for dinner and a catch up. My step father is the softest, sweetest man I have ever met. My mother would never tolerate a “shit” man. She is very self aware and I look up to her greatly. I hide a lot of this from her because I know she wouldn’t have it.

Honestly OP forget about any “final act of love” for him- he doesn’t love you because if he did he wouldn’t continue to behave this way.

Think instead of your baby, and let your FIRST act of love for them be walking away and ensuring they arrive home to a house with no slamming doors, no raised voices, no stamping feet or items smashing against the walls.

If you’re interested in the impact on children of growing up in a violent explosive household, even if not directed at them, please feel free to research that. You might be really shocked and also scared by what you find.

And there is it, his tough upbringing. I knew you were going to write that!. You knew about this re him to some extent yet you did not walk away far earlier which says to me that your boundaries are skewed.

Many people have tough childhoods and yet they do not go into abuse their loved ones or the ones they profess to love. It is no excuse or justification for how you have been treated by him. They take responsibility for their actions and apologise rather than blaming everyone else.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship to him is over or it should be.

It'll be a lot harder to leave with a baby.

You cannot change you to fix him.

Also he doesn't have anger issues, he has abuse issues. I don't care how angry a person gets, they know it isn't ok to scare their partner. At best he doesn't care he scares you. Which is abuse. At worst he INTENDS to scare you. Which, is abuse.

Get the fuck out of there.