How to handle an angry partner?

[holleeamara]

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

You shouldn’t be the one trying to find a solution and fix him.

He’s the broken one and that’s his responsibility.

And I have a big news flash for you, if he wanted to he would.

Leave before it’s too late, you have a child to protect now.

@holleeamara my ex has anger issues. It was there from time to time when together but i didnt see it for what it was. Then I was pregnant and it was there as soon as I had my child. We split about 1 year later. Then I was stuck having to tiptoe around him having them because I knew something could make him mad so I avoided it. Then he got more angry. Years later, he's done a ton of work on himself yet im still scared to let him have the kids just in case. I think you should make up some excuse and leave him. Unfortunately you are stuck with him now. Im stuck and hate it, yet my ex has really improved but the fear is still there. Imagine yours not changing, and being around kids!

You’re not extra sensitive, and a lot of what you wrote seems to accept blame for what he’s doing. You’re actually right: he’s an adult and absolutely should not be behaving that way. He has no right to act like that in your home, his home or anyone’s home when it affects others. Especially his pregnant partner. Listen to your gut, this isn’t right, isn’t safe and he’s not willing or open to changing. Having witnessed the impact of an angry father and scared/sad mother on a child, I’d never encourage someone to endure that.

Some great responses here, OP. This is abuse, and I really hope you confide in family and friends. You have nothing to be ashamed of - it's him who is the problem

He won't change, because this way of behaving works for him - do you think he's on a men's forum asking how to control his anger because it's ruining his life and relationship? No, of course he isn't, because he just has to play nice, fake some remorse, and he's off the hook again.

If it were possible to change an angry man, I would have done it - and I tried for 6 years of ever-increasing violence.

Ending this relationship is the only way to guarantee safety for you and your baby.

Please, for the love of God, leave this man. I was once married to someone like him. Take it from someone who knows. It will NOT get better, it will get 100 times worse and he will probably end up punching you instead of the walls.

You cannot, you really must not, bring a child into a relationship where its father is subject to angry and violent outbursts.

Well he needs to go and see a psychologist or a counsellor about his unresolved issues that make him a boiling pot of rage. And now. Before the baby comes.

There isn't a solution. This is a man who feels entitled to express his emotions with outbursts of aggression. To him, this is his right, why would he change?

Explosive anger like this is extremely damaging to children and will traumatised them. As a mother you will need to safeguard your child to ensure they are not around this behaviour as this will have lasting effects on their sense of safety, sense of self and what they understand as love.

Why would he if he believes he is entitled to behave this way and mocks OP when she challenges the behaviour?

You and your child absolutely deserve a safe, calm home OP. He is making that impossible.

What will you be saying when social services are involved with your child because he's done something in anger and the police and/or social services get called? You need to think of your unborn child here.

You're not replying to posts, so the poster probably doesn't know 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is a difficult situation OP. I once was in a relationship with someone that would have anger outbursts. First towards things or other people and eventually towards me.
I tried to be positive and focus on the many good parts of that person but in the end I decided to leave because I started to get physically ill from being on edge and walking on eggshells not knowing when the next rage would come.
Above all there are 2 (soon 3) people here:
-You know that you can’t and don’t want to raise your kid in this environment.
-You’ve tried to do his job by attempting to regulate his emotions (I did that too and it never changed anything)
-He doesn’t acknowledge his problem or the effects that it causes on you and he “attacks” you by criticizing your reactions, crying etc. That’s a massive concern.
If he screams because of the cat knocking something over imagine your life with a baby that will naturally cry, have tantrums, misbehave etc
If you feel on edge now imagine how you’ll feel once the baby arrives having to also worry about protecting him from his dad’s rage.
All in all OP, I think that the question here is if you can change him before the baby arrives, but for someone to change they need to want to change and even then nothing is guaranteed.
Wanting to shield your baby from that already makes you an awesome mum 💖and I hope that you can find the energy on that big love to put your sanity and safety first.
I wish you all the best 💐

@holleeamara I am really sorry that you find yourself in this position but statistics will tell you that your present predicament will get worse when the baby arrives. I am the dauhter of a man who behaved in this way and spent my childhood worrying about what would set him off and what the consequences would be... do you want this for you and your child?

You say you want to hear about cases where this has changed and worked out, but you can see by this thread that they are damn few and far between, so talk to family and friends, and make yourself an exit plan. Your life does not have to be like this and, you and the baby deserve so much better.

There's a psychological cost to walking on eggshells all the time. My dad was a very angry man until old age and illness mellowed him. It wasn't a fun way to grow up.

There is a solution, but only your DH can implement it. It involves him choosing to behave better. He can't help it if minor things annoy him, but he can certainly stop acting out in such an aggressive and intimidating fashion. Does he act this way at work/ parents evenings / wider family gatherings/ church if you go to church (etc.)? Of course not. So he does have self control but chooses not to use it when it's just you and him, because he can get away with it. He'll keep getting away with it until you leave.

as a psychotherapist who treats people with complex PTSD far too often from domestic abuse, you leave.

you dont want to hear it. But it’s your only option. Leave immediately.

in all my experience and training the most troubling fact that has always stood out to me is that domestic violence often STARTS or increases 10 fold when a woman is pregnant.

you have no option to leave.

it’ll be your head next or you will at least be subjecting an innocent baby to this abuse. Which WILL be abuse of the child too regardless of whether he ever lays a finger on your child or says anything to them. Children living in abusive homes ARE experiencing abuse themselves.

you will be subjecting your child to irreparable trauma which can last a lifetime.

please put yourself and your child first and leave and don’t look back.

yourself and your child will thank you. It will not get better.

Hmmmm, you seem to have quite a limited insight into the risk posed to babies under 1 in particular by (usually) men who are aggressive/abusive or violent

Also to second @scoobysnaxxas a child therapist a huge proportion of young people I see impacted by mh issues like anxiety, depression and PTSD are those who grew up with abusive hostile environments where none of the caregivers did what was needed to protect them
harsh but true sadly

Please tell your midwife

It might not be the whole relationship. People are complex. He can treat you nicely, be kind and thoughtful, funny. Just like everyone. But something like this HAS to be the most important part. Someone who is throwing things and shouting and swearing has no ability to control their emotions. Over minor things like dropping a cup of water?

how do you expect this person to behave and respond with a new baby? Sleepless nights? Crying? Stress? Other life stuff? You asking for support? He will snap in much worse ways than this.

he is in no position to even have an adult relationship and provide that emotional support let alone for a child who needs STABILITY, a calm and consistent environment and much much patience.

please leave. Your head and heart will catch up and you’ll realise it’s the right decision.

please do not subject yourself and your baby to this.

the baby will feel any stress from you walking on egg shells all the time in your stomach already

There is no solution. He won't change unless he wants to. He quite clearly doesn't want to. He's told you who he is, you are not paying attention.

You either put up with it and accept that it will get worse when the baby arrives, or you leave now.

Read through the Relationships Board. It is littered with threads from women just like you who thought they could fix or change things by altering their own behaviour. Don't waste your life on this man, he's not worth it.

Bet he doesn't throw tantrums at work with his boss and then blame all his colleagues when they call him out. He does it to you because he intends to do do. It's a choice. To intimidate and to leave you walking on eggshells.

Leaving him is not "giving up" .... it is making a rational (indeed the only possible) choice.

YOU are looking for a solution, but it’s not YOUR behaviour that is the problem. Only HE can solve this and he sounds a LONG way from even accepting that there is a problem. Leave, before your child is exposed to this anger.

But you have said in your OP that he got angry because the cats did something so it isn’t him only getting angry at himself for mistakes. Sadly it will be a case of when he gets angry with the baby / toddler not if. No matter how hard you try you can’t make changes to his behaviour - only he can do that.