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Original poster

How to handle an angry partner?

155 replies

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 13:58

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 21/10/2025 21:37

Look up shaken baby syndrome

GoldDuster · 22/10/2025 09:11

Sometimes I spill things and mess things up, he catches his breath and tells me that “it’s okay..” then he cleans it up

This says more to me about the dynamic than most of whatever else you've written.

Why do you think that he wouldn't harm you or your baby when he's being physically and verbally violent right next to you while you're carrying his baby? This is happening, and you will not find the answer in a book on how to categorise and fix this, and there is no happy ever after that involves the three of you together.

Tell your mum the truth. Speak it clearly to people you trust and the path out will appear.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/10/2025 09:19

Bloody hell. He is awful. Of course he’s not vile all the time because then you’d leave, right? He is nice enough for enough of the time to make you think it might be ok.

Believe me, it never ever ever gets better. It only ever gets worse. And he is testing your boundaries now. Seeing how you react. Seeing how far he can go.

In the future, (and this will happen), when he screams in your face over some minor misdemeanor or even wallops you in anger, his rationale will be, “But you knew what I was like. I showed you.” And in his mind, it will be your fault for staying and accepting him.

Angry men like this always aleast indulge their rage. They simply do not see why they shouldn’t.

You are going to be in danger. Maybe not this year or the next but eventually you will. And your poor child.

It happened to me. It has happened to so many women.

The key thing to remember is that it only ever gets worse.

No amount of foot rubs or loving hugs can eradicate the violence.

Protect yourself. Protect your child. Take this behaviour very seriously. It is already unacceptable but he has not stopped it, has he?

Dunnowhatimat · 25/10/2025 00:30

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 13:58

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

Given you want a possible solution other than leave I suggest that you strongly encourage him into anger management or therapy. He most likely will not change given time, and needs to actively acknowledge his anger issues and work on them for the situation to improve. Ideally he would begin and be in this process well before you child comes along. If he's as loving as you feel he is, then this is something he should be willing to talk about and explore further

Givemeachaitealatte · 25/10/2025 08:20

Honestly, having been through the exact same thing for years bringing 2 children into the dynamic - leave now. He won't change and the anger will at some point be directed at you or your child, it just will - babies don't sleep, children are more annoying (and genetically likely to have ADHD so even more hard work.)

ADHD is no excuse, emotional dyregulation may be a reason but get medicated, therapy and look at different outlets - if your seizures are controlled you can take medication. My ex didn't want to change and he lost his family and is now alone.

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