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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle an angry partner?

155 replies

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 13:58

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

OP posts:
JaneEyre40 · 21/10/2025 14:13

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 13:58

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

You wanted to have a baby with someone who you know behaves like this!? WTF?!

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:13

Thank you for this response, I really appreciate it. Am I able to talk to women’s aid just as a casual conversation? I don’t wish for anything imminent to happen.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 21/10/2025 14:14

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:02

I’m not sure about “danger”, this man is not dangerous.

He is potentially dangerous. His behaviour is already abusive, and this often ramps up during pregnancy/ when children arrive. He might become physically violent, he might not but his anger issues are already an issue. You say it’s not directed towards you, but who else is it impacting ? You, the cats, soon your DC. Look at the Freedom Programme online, and other support for women suffering domestic abuse.

He may be loving in other ways, you may love him but this is who he is. He won’t change, you can’t help. If you don’t get out now you’ll be ground down year by year until you don’t know what’s going on. Not to mention the impact on your DC. It will be far more difficult to leave further down the line.

Take from those of us who’ve been where you are now, and wish we’d got out sooner.

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2025 14:14

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:02

I’m not sure about “danger”, this man is not dangerous.

He is
At a minimum to your MH and that of your child
You CANNOT fix him and usually pregnancy makes things worse - how do you think he will react at 3am to a screaming collicky baby?
You either put up with it or leave

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 14:14

Well you’d like to think that but he will not do so. Take off the rose tinted glasses here and see this man for what he really is. You and your unborn child are at risk now because of him.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:14

No, as I stated I was on the DEPO shot. I’ve never wanted children and never planned for them. Getting pregnant was a freak accident. Please read my post before making comments that are unhelpful and unkind.

OP posts:
SkinnyOatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 21/10/2025 14:15

It’s not your job to fix him. Save yourself and leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 14:15

And yes you can talk to Women’s Aid, this is a sensible thing to do for yourself here.

Thundertoast · 21/10/2025 14:16

Im really sorry you are in this situation. This is not your fault.
Im not here to tell you what to do about your pregnancy, but as the child of a man like you describe, I beg of you to do some research online, or on this forum, on the impact on children on living with a father like this.
If you continue with the pregnancy, you need to make sure you are fully equipped on:

  • How this behaviour can be red flags of things escalating further down the line.
  • How lots of people say 'i would have said he never would hurt me or the kids, until he did'
  • How it doesn't matter why he is the way he is, every second he spends subjecting a child to this behaviour is a second damaging that child's sense of safety
  • How it can impact a child's whole life. Cause anxiety issues (look at threads on here from women who talk about how their kids reacted after leaving an angry partner) cause future relationship issues (they themselves turn into angry partners or get into relationships with them, or like me, be so conflict avoidance and people pleasing i let myself get trampled over) cause disruptions to their education and their future financial stability because they are unable to concentrate in school, control their anger themselves so get into trouble and miss school, are unable to deal with disappointment, failure or conflict at work so get fired or held back from promotion. It ripples throughout a life.
  • How a man who isnt horrified, and actively working on it (I mean, making an action plan and trying to stick to it, not just 'I'll try harder') is not a man whose in a place where he's ready for a relationship full stop. If a man isnt horrified he's frightened his partner, he shouldn't be in a relationship until he's had some serious professional help.
Best of luck to you.
Jellybunny56 · 21/10/2025 14:17

He is throwing things and going into a fit of rage over tiny things- that is dangerous behaviour. Behaviour escalates, one day it’s not aimed at you & it’s the wall but it’s not too long before it is you, and it’s your face.

Even if it remains the wall, he hasn’t changed in 12 years, he’s not going to change now. The only answer is to leave, no child deserves to grow up like that.

TucanPlay · 21/10/2025 14:17

I know you’d like there to be a solution but ultimately he has to recognise there is a problem first. If he won’t/ can’t and you have tried explaining this to him then you have to focus on yourself and the unborn child first. That means being in a calm environment as you say. He can’t/ won’t provide that and you need it now. He is doing nothing to address this and you cannot fix it for him. I’m sorry. Please prioritise yourself now. If you live apart and he changes, truly realises he needs help and doesn’t blame it on you you can get back together. What worries me is he accepts no responsibility for his behaviour and how this scares you, I very much doubt you can stay safely. Your mental and physical health will suffer, he is putting you in a constant state of anxiety. That’s not a loving partner.

GoldDuster · 21/10/2025 14:17

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:13

Thank you for this response, I really appreciate it. Am I able to talk to women’s aid just as a casual conversation? I don’t wish for anything imminent to happen.

Yes, of course. You can contact them as many times as you like, and say whatever you feel you're ready to. There's also an online chat function if you would prefer not to voice call.

You are not the first and you won't be the last, but it's misguided to feel that you can "love" him out of this behaviour. You don't have a magic wand, this started a long time before he even knew you existed, and it's likely to be passed on to your DC if you stay. Put yourself first. You weren't put on this earth to deal with this, and your DC most certainly shouldn't be.

JaneEyre40 · 21/10/2025 14:17

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:02

I’m not sure about “danger”, this man is not dangerous.

Oh please. Not dangerous YET, look at his behavior!! You don't think a new born is going to piss him off!?

Jack2025 · 21/10/2025 14:17

What will you do when the baby arrives and starts crying?! Or won’t settle during the day / night? Will you be confident in leaving your baby with your partner by himself?
If your partners anger issues over the smallest things make you feel upset, imagine throwing a baby into the mix…

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:18

Thank you. Yes you’re right, I probably am hoping for multiple miracle stories. I never considered my partner abusive, just cranky and short tempered. I just get on with it, but I know a baby/child will not be able to “get on with it” and shouldn’t be expected to. I’m just clutching at straws.

OP posts:
BouseHeutiful · 21/10/2025 14:18

The solution would be for him to choose to have anger management counselling, but he doesn’t want to. He clearly doesn’t care about the impact of his rage on those around him.

Angry men are always dangerous to some degree, and they rarely improve with time - usually the opposite.

I can see why you want to believe he won’t rage at a child but I think you’re kidding yourself there. Also even if his rage isn’t directed at a child it would still be terrifying for them to see.

You cannot fix people or save them from themselves. You can only make a safe & peaceful life for yourself and your baby by leaving him.

Best of luck x

Gasbox · 21/10/2025 14:18

Isn't it interesting that you are the one 'desperate for a solution' while he is busy justifying his behaviour and carrying on regardless? He's making you cry on a regular basis and yet he sees nothing wrong with throwing these tantrums and scaring his pregnant partner, does that seem reasonable to you OP? There is literally nothing you can do to fix this, he is the only one who could but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong so that's never going to happen is it?

There are no magic words you can say that will make him suddenly see this from your point of view, he doesn't care that he's upsetting and frightening you and nothing you can say will change that. My advice is to leave before your baby is born, it will be so much harder afterwards and if you stay then your baby will be exposed to his temper too, which is very damaging to a child however young. Probably not popular advice on here but I would seriously consider moving far away from this man and maybe even concealing that you've continued with the pregnancy if possible, and I certainly wouldn't be putting him on the birth certificate.

Plugsocketrocket · 21/10/2025 14:18

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:12

I think perhaps because plenty of parents who have issues keep them hidden from children, I’d like to think he would do the same when the time comes.

Plenty of parents don’t keep their issues away from children though.

Do you realise his behaviour towards you is abusive because? it is abusive. If not then how do you hope to show a child what is and isn’t abusive behaviour? You won’t be able to because you don’t recognise yourself so from the minute you are born you will be programming your child how to accept abusive behaviour.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:19

Thank you, and I’m sorry to hear about your father. I understand I cannot raise a child around this behaviour, that’s why I am hoping to put a stop to it before the arrival of the baby. My mother works with children and has done for many years, I do deeply understand the importance of a child’s home life. I’m just wondering if there is anything I can do before I walk away. I hope you are well. X

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 21/10/2025 14:20

Leave. You can’t change him. All you can do is change your reaction to him.

You are not put on this earth to fix unfixable or broken men.

If you stay, your DC will be brought up in the sane atmosphere, which will be terrible.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:20

Thank you for your response, I did consider whether this was abuse, but when I research emotional abuse I don’t think it really fits. Is there anywhere I can look that speaks about men being angry in general, rather than just focused on being angry at the partner? Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:21

Thank you

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 21/10/2025 14:22

@Gasbox such a good point, unless he is "desperate for a solution" to his behaviour there is zero chance of change, and even then, it would take a lot of hard work to rewire his thoughts and beliefs, and therefore his reactions to what sound like really benign normal "life" situations.

Make plans to leave, as safely as you can, seek help and take it. Honestly, it won't be any easier with a six month old, or a two year old, I promise you.

JustMeBoo · 21/10/2025 14:22

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I'm wondering, does this man manage to hold down a job? If so he's making a choice to act as he does with you as no employer would tolerate it.

Please, please don't subject your child to living with this man. I'm also very sad and worried for your cats.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 14:22

Anger management courses are NO answer for domestic abuse which is what the OP
is describing here. He has a problem too with anger, her anger, when she rightly calls him
out on his behaviour.

How does he conduct himself in the outside world?. He’s likely quite plausible to outsiders and can control himself.