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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle an angry partner?

155 replies

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 13:58

My partner has had anger problems from the moment we got together. I’ve known him for 12 years, but only been together for 2.
He rages at things I don’t think are a big deal. For example yesterday he accidentally dropped a cup of water, and then proceeded to throw the bean bag into the wall and swear and shout. Today the cats accidentally knocked something over and once again, he’s raging, storming around, swearing. This is nothing new. This often makes me cry. I don’t like being around anyone who’s miserable and enraged. Me being upset just aggravates him more. He tells me he’s allowed to be angry. I always follow this up with yes, you’re allowed to feel angry, but you can’t behave like that. I am now 16 weeks pregnant. No, I will not be having a termination or abortion. I got pregnant on the DEPO shot, 0.01% chance. Anyway, the fact that a man would act like this around a woman that is currently carrying his child is strange to me. Anytime something goes wrong (we’re talking small, fixable things) he is flying into a fit of anger. Nothing I say or do calms him down, and when I call him out for this behaviour, he either tells me he’s entitled to behave like this, or starts pointing out my non-savoury behaviours (e.g, crying a lot..). I would like to mention he pays the bills, he gives me foot massages every night before bed, anything I want.. I get. He is not un-loving in that sense. He always tells me he loves me and comforts me when I’m having a hard time. It’s JUST the anger problem, which I would like to point out is never directed at me, I just can’t stand being around it everyday, it makes me feel uneasy and on edge. Now I’m pregnant, I’m extra sensitive.. I feel like I need calmness in my life and my partner either brings that, or destroys it, no in between. Has anyone else dealt with this? Did it change? If so, what happened for things to change? He has ADHD, but is unmedicated due to seizures he had years ago. I really have tried everything to settle him when this happens, but he never wants my help, he never thinks my advise is worth while, and just continues to be angry and upset himself further. All I know is I absolutely cannot raise a child around this. Please help and advise me. I’m desperate for a solution before I give up.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:32

I’m autistic and could never be away from my family, I see them every day and they are my support network. I am not fearful of my partner “hunting” me down anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:33

I live with him, he rents and my name is not on the lease.

OP posts:
Eightdayz · 21/10/2025 14:33

Have you actually asked him why he's so angry?

Plugsocketrocket · 21/10/2025 14:33

For me love is connection, kindness, gratitude, empathy, generosity, being present, respect. What you are describing from him is rage, control, disrespect… They are not love. His behaviour towards you is not any version of loving I believe in.

Anditstartedagain · 21/10/2025 14:34

He is abusive.
Abuse often gets worse durring pregnancy or when a new baby arrives.
Any child living in this environment would be a victim of abuse and by keeping a baby in this environment you would be failing to protect your child from abuse.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:35

Thank you, yes I do talk to him when he is calm and he is very remorseful, he says in the moment he doesn’t get a chance to think and just “reacts”.. I was this way many years ago with undiagnosed autism, but I am never like this now. He does understand, but I don’t think he was taught how to handle emotions as a child, therefore is like this as an adult. It’s sad.. I wish I could help him.

OP posts:
Proseccoismyfriend · 21/10/2025 14:35

What advice would you give to your child if they were in a relationship like this?
He has to want to help himself, and realise this isn’t healthy. What if your child copied this behaviour in the future? I personally worry that this escalates and turns onto you or your child.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:36

Oh yes, he says he’s not sure. I don’t think he was taught how to handle big emotions as a child, and has never learnt.

OP posts:
Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:37

What style of abuse does this fall under? When I read about emotional abuse it just doesn’t correlate.

OP posts:
Eightdayz · 21/10/2025 14:37

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:35

Thank you, yes I do talk to him when he is calm and he is very remorseful, he says in the moment he doesn’t get a chance to think and just “reacts”.. I was this way many years ago with undiagnosed autism, but I am never like this now. He does understand, but I don’t think he was taught how to handle emotions as a child, therefore is like this as an adult. It’s sad.. I wish I could help him.

This is the crux of the problem. He's still going to act without thinking when baby upsets him. Very dangerous territory.

Would he consider therapy or anger management?

Anditstartedagain · 21/10/2025 14:37

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:35

Thank you, yes I do talk to him when he is calm and he is very remorseful, he says in the moment he doesn’t get a chance to think and just “reacts”.. I was this way many years ago with undiagnosed autism, but I am never like this now. He does understand, but I don’t think he was taught how to handle emotions as a child, therefore is like this as an adult. It’s sad.. I wish I could help him.

But he has been doing this for you for years and has never thought to seek help to stop it. He doesn’t care about the way he treats you.

Sodthesystem · 21/10/2025 14:38

Is it possible for you to move in with family to help support you through things?

You can't have an angry volatile man in the home with a baby unfortunately.

Imo he is abusive but even if it was anger issues...why hasn't he volunteered to see his GP or get therapy... especially with a baby on the way? That's quite telling in itself.

Andthatrightsoon · 21/10/2025 14:38

I can't even continue to read this thread. OP, youre choosing to allow your poor innocent baby to have this life ahead of them? For shame.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:39

I believe we have all those things, he goes out his way to do things for me that no other partner has done for me. He sat with me in A&E for 12 hours, rubbing my back and reassuring me for what turned out to just be a panic attack. I have awful health anxiety and he has stayed up many nights just to comfort me until I fall asleep. Our relationship does not lack love or connection whatsoever. He does dote on me and tries to make sure I am eating well and to take my pregnancy vitamins, etc. I struggle to believe this man is abusive, and rather just doesn’t have good emotional regulation. Sometimes I spill things and mess things up, he catches his breath and tells me that “it’s okay..” then he cleans it up. He only gets angry at himself making mistakes, it’s just hard to watch and be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:40

I’m not even going to dignify that reply with a proper response :) have a wonderful day x

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 21/10/2025 14:40

I don’t think he’s abusive I think he uses outbursts to manage feelings of irritation with his own clumsiness and frustration. He can learn to change those self soothing behaviours. The question is does he want to? And I suppose if he doesn’t want to can you see clearly and surely enough to accept this deficit in him?

Anditstartedagain · 21/10/2025 14:41

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:37

What style of abuse does this fall under? When I read about emotional abuse it just doesn’t correlate.

Does it matter which boxes it ticks? I would say emotional, physical and coercive control? I understand that an autistic person you may like to put things into neat boxes (I do!) but some times things are messy and don’t work that way.

tryingtobesogood · 21/10/2025 14:41

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:31

No, not at all. My mother left my father when I was 4, because he was a shit. He wasn’t angry, just a selfish idiot. My mum got with another man when I was 6, who was the best father I could have dreamed of. They split up when I was 12, I’m now 25 and still regularly see him for dinner and a catch up. My step father is the softest, sweetest man I have ever met. My mother would never tolerate a “shit” man. She is very self aware and I look up to her greatly. I hide a lot of this from her because I know she wouldn’t have it.

please please please talk this over with your mum. She knows you and your partner and I am sure will be the best person to support you.

If you want your partner to change, to manage his emotions in a more mature way, then you need to tell him, clearly that is what you want. You don’t have to stay with him while this happens, and if he takes this on board and does the work hopefully you can have a future. If he won’t take this on board, then I’m sorry but all the previous posters are right, there is no relationship here.

in the shorty term please get some support irl and put yourself and your baby first.

BTW - men often start by being abusive towards pets before humans. If he can become enraged by the actions of a little cat with a brain the size of a walnut, how will he have patience with a screaming baby.

putthekettleonn · 21/10/2025 14:41

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:32

I’m autistic and could never be away from my family, I see them every day and they are my support network. I am not fearful of my partner “hunting” me down anyway.

I'm also autistic and was very young at the time. I was also physically disabled and didn't know if I could manage. The only choice was to leave though, my child's safety and wellbeing was the priority. It sounds like your family would support you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 14:41

He targeted you OP , I have no doubts whatsoever of that and he has ramped up the abuse of you over time and by degrees. He is really a despicable human being targeting you as he has here.

How supportive are your family?. You need them now more than ever for you to get away from your abuser. Your name is not on any rental agreement and that will make it easier for you to leave.

Tatiepot · 21/10/2025 14:41

My lovely girl, I'm sat here wondering if you are my abusive XH's new partner...I really, really, hope not.

Like you I spent a long time thinking my ex had anger issues, I tried to get him to have counselling to deal with it; he dealt with it, or so I thought, and life got a lot better for a few months. And then our son was born and his true abusive nature got more and more obvious - he shouted at the baby in his cot when he wouldn't sleep, he shouted at me for cuddling the baby instead of having sex with him, when the baby was a toddler he got shouted at just for doing toddler things...and one day I realised, with the help of MN, including some of the girls on your thread, that it wasn't "just" anger, it was abuse and he chose to do it.

It was a sickening realisation and I imagine you're now feeling exactly what I did...give yourself a little while to gather your thoughts, and then make plans to leave. You cannot help him, only he can change his behaviour and if he's anything like my XH he won't...he just blames me for not being able to cope with it, because "it's normal, everyone gets cross now and again...and it wasn't very often".

I can't tell you how stressful it was listening to him interact with our son wondering how quickly I'd have to intervene, I was literally stood elsewhere in the house waiting to hear tears and/or raised voices. That's no way to bring up a child, and it'll be harder to leave once your baby is here. Get yourself away from him as soon as possible.

Original poster
holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:42

Yes, most definitely. I’m just embarrassed to tell my family. I feel ashamed of my situation and am worried about being a disappointment.

OP posts:
TheBlueHotel · 21/10/2025 14:42

holleeamara · 21/10/2025 14:01

Like I said, I’m looking for a solution before I give up. I don’t want people telling me to blindly “leave”. This is a man I love and care for, he is also the father of my unborn child.

You'll have social services involved with your child before long and your poor child will be destroyed by growing up in this abusive household. There is NOTHING you can do to change him. Get out now while you can still protect your child.

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 14:42

Leave

LeanToWhatToDo · 21/10/2025 14:44

I think you know you have to leave but want to know you did all you could.

If he is on steroids that makes men irrational, jealous, mean and angry. Get him off them. Many men take unregulated ones at the gym and don't realise the effects.

Maybe get him to have a blood test to check his thyroid and hormone levels. This really is a last resort but it could be that there is some imbalance and he has become irritable easily as a result. He needs to be able to explain to the doctor why he wants bloods done though, so if he doesn't accept he is irrationally aggressive this might not work.

Again, anger management courses - he should do those if the above aren't an issue. It's unlikely he will though unless he can reflect on his behaviour and realises his issue, which it doesn't sound likely.

Those, I'm afraid, are your last three straws to clutch.