Fighting starting an affair

[wsido]

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

Don't shit where you eat.

You've built up fantasies around your boss, that just feeds you crush or limerence.

If you do go ahead, it will likely end in marriage ending, job loss, and nobody will want to listen to your tale of cheating woe.

You can think about it, but don’t do it.

I kind of disagree. What you give attention to, that's where your energy goes. If you think about having an affair multiple times a day and fantasize about the other person, that creates neural pathways and normalizes it more in your head. I think it's better to starve the desire for an affair rather than feed it.

OP might want to look at what's lacking on her own life instead of.

Well I was the cheated on spouse in one of these triangles.

My spouse did not like it one bit, when they got an email to them at work telling where their possessions had been put and that the they should not return home. They never slept in our house again. I cc:ed the affair partner and also demonstrated I had the contact details for the other cheated on spouse.

Do not start an affair unless you are prepared (properly prepared) for it to blow up massively in your face. Especially if you have children. Do not expect Him to stand by you in any way either.
Getting divorced is very very expensive and painful, and even though a few years down the line the dust settles, everyone always remembers. (And your chemistry /star crossed lovers narrative will be retold as “skank”/“zip up your Mickey”)

This will end very badly. Your morals, marriage and workplace reputation could all end up in tatters.

There are so many things that could go wrong here, if you think it’s worth the risk for a quick bunk up then I guess you’ll do it. Feel sorry for your dh though. The fact you’re even considering it means you don’t respect him at all. I’m married and occasionally see guys I think are fanciable, the thought is a million miles away from actually considering it however.

Keep fighting and don't do it.

Have you got kids?

Affairs involve the abuse of the betrayed partners. It removes their personal agency, right to informed sexual consent, it involves manipulation, lying, gaslighting, minimising and devaluing.

The damage done to the betrayed partners often leads to trauma, PTSD and suicidal ideation.

And this doesn’t even touch on the damage done to the families if children are involved.

Get hold of a copy of ‘cheating in a nutshell’ and come back here when you’ve read it and tell us that minor arguments with your husband are worth this devastation.

Grow up!

You're building this up in your head. You fancy the man which is fine but don't take it further. You're on a hiding to nothing. It'll be messy as fuck. Avoid yer man as much as possible and work on your relationship with DH to see if its worth saving.

Basically, catch yourself on. 😁

Do you think marriage counselling would be helpful?

It's a choice.

It's very unusual to go through life never meeting someone else that you are attracted to or where the attraction is mutual. It's normal. The whole point of a committed relationship is that you choose not to have sex with other people.

I mean, it's literally written in the vows if you marry - forsaking all others. It means no matter how much you fancy someone you've promised not to shag them.

We all have opportunities. You choose what matters most to you. It's not rocket science.

Well it's really not ok to be considering having an affair. If you don't trust yourself, it's time to start looking for another job. And maybe working on your marriage better?

Split up with your husband . If you have any love/respect for him then leave.
Having an affair will cause him a lot more distress.
Also consider the wife of the man you want to have an affair with.
And any children that may be involved.
Very selfish behaviour if you pursue it.
And I bet it ends up having a negative impact on your job.

Have you ever heard of someone who did this and ultimately had it pan out well?

This 100% this.

So this is all about your desires and problems. Am I right? Have you got any head space for this man's wife (and kids if he has any)? No. I thought not. I considered suicide when my husband cheated on me so good luck with exploding someone else's life and creating a fucked up mess OP.

You would fuck up your marriage and your job, so most of your life basically
This man is actually being very sleazy if he is your boss, I doubt you are the first and once he had had a shag or 2 and blown up your life he would probably move onto the next adoring subordinate

@Furrylittlesweetpotatoes "The damage done to the betrayed partners often leads to trauma, PTSD and suicidal ideation."

I wouldn't want to self-diagnose PTSD but, as the betrayed spouse in an affair that ended over a decade and a half ago, I can confirm this.

@wsido, If you don't love your husband - and I don't think you do - leave him, take a break from romantic relationships, then start afresh with a clean slate.

You answered your own thread in the first line of your post.
"this is a stupid route to even consider"

Ultimately, affairs are escapes. But they very rarely lead anywhere but heartbreak and regret.

What are you trying to escape? And how could you solve it instead of running away from it temporarily?

Affairs aren’t a thing you do when you’re a bit annoyed at your partner… That is next level vindictive and self absorbed. You’re probably better off divorcing him if that’s where your head goes after a disagreement.

Most people in LTR have temptations at some point, I know that both DH and I have had other ppl interested in us and have wondered what it would be like.

But you have to consider whether it’s worth ending your marriage for, because it’s highly likely that your DH will end it if you cheat. Is that what you want?

If you do want to end your marriage, end it before getting involved with anyone else. Don’t create a mess.

@LochSunart i have never suffered with my mental health but after being a betrayed I developed hyper-vigilance, anxiety and panic attacks, I suffered triggers which last to this day. My best friend after being a betrayed ended up with suicidal ideation. She is the LAST person I ever believed would be affected like this.

It’s because of this that I have ZERO time for anyone justifying an affair with stupid self indulgent, entitled comments such as ‘it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.’ And claiming they’re drawn to abusing their partner and involving themselves in the abuse of another because they have minor arguments.

I’m sorry you struggled to, it takes a long time to heal.

As someone who did start an affair I can honestly say it was the stupidest thing I could have ever done.

it was limmerance. It was pathetic. He left his wife. I stayed and confessed to my husband.

none of it was worth it. It was cheap and pathetic. It took me 3 rounds of counselling to even feel remotely like myself again.

my husband and I are in a great place now but it has taken YEARS. He was not at fault at all. People would think there had to be something wrong with the marriage. There was not. I was bored. I still can’t believe I did it. You would never think I was capable of you met me. I am the epitome of ‘good’.

when I ended the affair I was damn near suicidal. It was horrific. Don’t do it! Even if best case scenario some how it all works out you won’t be able to look yourself in the same way ever again.

I’m so sorry and his wife and children are very much in mind when I try and fight my feelings. It would change the trajectory of my life if my husband cheated on me, because I know I would never be able to trust anyone ever again. So I always do think about why I would ever consider doing that to another woman and her children.

The nature of my work means I can’t actually avoid the other man so it’s a battle of me trying to be professional whilst also trying to deal with my attraction to him. I think it’s easier said than done to tell myself to stop feeling some type of way towards him or to focus on my marriage.

Strangely enough the only thing that completely turns me off the other man is the thought of him propositioning other younger females in the past/in the future. He’s been in the profession a lot longer than me and the way he hinted at being down for an affair was almost seamless, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t his first rodeo. I do keep on telling myself I’m nothing special, that him letting me know of his attraction was at a point where he only saw my appearance and not my personality (so it’s purely lust and to stick his friend into anything that he’s mildly interested in) and if it wasn’t me working with him and being DTF, he’d seek out another willing subordinate. I just wish that was the situation and perhaps if I just hold out a bit longer, he’ll move onto someone new and I’ll be old news for him. But at this point in time, it’s been over a year and my feelings aren’t letting up (and neither are his).

Affairs are awful and you should end your marriage if you are so unhappy.

Either way, you don’t have a relationship at work. It won’t end well and you will be alone and out of a job before you know it.

Grow up . Bloody hell you sound like a teenager who is struggling to cope with hormones.
Leave your husband.
Be used by the creepy man at work...then move on.
Once he has got what he wants you will be of no interest to him. Then you just get to feel like crap in work evertime you see him.
But im sure he will be nice enough to you. So you dont tell his poor wife .
Also book in a sti test for after. Sounds like he does the rounds..